Mae will be visiting her dad this Christmas after all. I was offered to go with my friend home for Christmas, but as I had already emailed him, I didn't think it would be real fair or nice, and would be some what cruel to take it back. So Mae will go to her dad's Christmas night after he gets off work!

We are going to go to my friend Brigitte's for Christmas lunch. Now I'm making some kind of screwed up pecan pie. Last years didn't turn out so hot lol, but I'm willing to try again.

I had a real rough night and not so better morning. I'm close to tears, and I just want them to stop. I want to be able to be such a cold hearted bitch that I can forget about the child I had. The child Ilove, the child the child the child!

These feelings are why I don't just cut off the kids dad from her. I know how it feels! I am not above, like I've said before, having conseuences for your actions. I don't take lightly the fact that a person will tell you Maybe you will get your child back after a visitation. I don't deal with that! I will protect mine. But in this case, I havn't done anything except pine and whine for my child.

I'm so tired of this struggle. I'm so tired of being told how horrible a person I am. I am so tired of all the bullshit! I am soo tired of my sister being the right one even when she is horribly wrong. I wouldn't ever try to turn a child against their parent, though god knows i have wanted to. I don't think it's right that mine has been turned against me. If I was truly like her father, then I would have stopped all contact. I wouldn't be struggling to be with her.

Poor Mae has to take the place of both my daughters. I smother her with all the love I can, even if some of it is for her sister. I look at Mae and I am greatful that I am the parent I am to her and that she is here.

One day...god like everyone keeps saying, One day...I hope that Katie will want to hear the other side of the story! If she doesn't, well then I guess my sister got her way... Me out of the picture totally!