Orange Pee

I have orange pee...again!! It's not a uti though this time around they gave me a note for 2 days off work. It hurts so bad I writhe around in pain for at least 10 minutes. At work I made it to lunch yesterday and told them look Im off to the er I dont know if Ill be back. I could have gone back but Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan i didnt wanna and the stuff takes effect pretty quick but damn give me 3o not 6 lol.

this keeps up ill have to go to the urologist.

I think Ill be getting a change in my meds because of the tired and depression. I dont think the effexor works as well as the prozac. but what do i know. Nothing except im up im down im up im down. Works well with having to work. Lets hope they dont fire me, but ill have a lawsuit for them if they do.

And hopefully ill get the bonus this week and be able to pay the mortgage with it and then with fip ill pay all the other bills that always come.

anyways nothing else is going on except the neighbors mowing the yard looks like ill have to find some cash for my friends boy to mow mine lol.

have a great rest of the day.

Closer and closer to the start of my work week and closer to my birthday. And theres nothing going on in life except im going bat shit crazy sitting around gettting fat. one of my meds is making me gain.

nothing to do but fight all the urges and drink lots of water instead.

im bored!

bored bored bored bored! have no money, noone is doing anything and now im sitting here waiting for a phone call or for it to be med time. oh and the 803439 texts from the kids dad.

though he is paying for school pictures! And taking her for my birthday. Ive spent so much time hating him its hard to be nice to him. but i just feel theres an agenda of some kind.

But im going to try to not hate for a while but who the hell knows.

back to im bored bored bored!

So once again I am on the child abuse registry. This time though I'm not alone! As i blogged, in which i thought was realitivly safety cuz i thought people had grown up. Well DHS was here twice and the case was founded.

Those of you may rememeber 6 years ago we had a domestic disturbance and we were both arrested. I however got to stay out of jail because i was nursing Mae. The officer wrote in his report he wasnt calling dhs because of this.

Well imagine my surprise when now im back on the registry and have to have home visits from the stupid dhs.

Here's where it becomes interesting the dhs lady asks me about my blog! Asks me about giving my knives away to a friend because HE SHOWED HER MY BLOG! And then the asshole feiend innocence about it like what did you want me to do lie to her? Um helllo she has no idea it even existed. This is all after he is telling me the wars and battles are over.

And yet another lie was that he got it from Robin who thought i assume that they just had to have this as ammunition to get them to take Mae from me.

So now Ive gone private when I shouldnt have to and it pisses me off that after 6 years he is still a fucking liar and lying to me. Why lie i wouldnt lie. But the whole blog thing never should have been brought up. I already disclosed my mental status.

So im all bright shiny and pissed off! Maybe that wasnt as interesting as i thought but it sure did piss me off!

Screw This

Ok so i figured out how to get the old blogger back and I can sort of run it but facebook me your email addy's and then ill just go ahead and make this one private. And when it is Ill fill the few readers I have on what the deal is. I tried the other blog i have but i dont like it so i want to stay here.

So send me your addy and Ill add you to my reading list. But you know its gotta be good bullshit if i have to go private since Ive never had to go private before now.

as soon as i get it set up ill post the new addy to my blog and youll just have to ask me on facebook for the password. Seems that some like to show my blog to dhs and ill leave it at that til i get set up. i have several to pick from so it will take me a minute or two to figure out where im going.

Well it looks like i've got my birthday covered! I know I know I have bills but those bills will be there after my party lol.

I plan on hanging out in my friends backyard and have a bonfire....IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK!! lol cuts down on the party goers and the amount of money i have to shell out for booze lol.

Butter crowns and beer...going redneck this year. Plus I have my ride all lined up so were good.

Mae didnt sleep last night so i didnt sleep last night. This is why i only take the ambien when shes not here because its hard to wake up wake up when shes up.

And thanks to the kids dad mae will not be around me til the next day lol. Im going to buy my own cake and smooosh it on someone lol.

Ok not much else to talk about except please let Mae sleep tonight lol

I'm sitting here procrastinating AGAIN! This time i dont want to take my meds. There's nothing to do and nothing to keep me awake. I just dont wanna go to bed now lol.

im used to keying down for hours after work not after only being home less than an hour lol.

though i am mulling over something the kids dad said. Ill ask him next week, but he offered to take mae on a day if i needed someone to take her. now im pretty sure thats applying to mental health issuse.

The question becomes does my birthday equate to a mental health issue? Is is worthy of him taking her after school on that day or not lol. im hoping yes. I think i know what  i want to do and i know where and who to do it with. Though my ride home probably wont attend the party lol.

i really want to party on my birthday and i have the time off already. Ahhhh i can almost taste my birthday lol.

I don't have a lot to say though Im pretty sure I do have a whole lot to say I just cant get it out of my fingers. so today im going to be a complete lazy slob who's gained a whole ton of weight back and do nothing.

i need to get back to work and be around the real people. talking to the voices i hear sometimes doesnt seem like that good of an idea. but what do i know. Oh yeah i took every psych and therapist apptmnt i could this week. I was told good job and petted on the  head.

i made my mom cry twice because of me this week, wasnt intentional. i  just dont think she gets the whole bi polar thing and that some little corner of her brain still thinks im just fucking around. dear god i wish i was fucking around. i wake up two ways...good mood or pit of rage in my stomach. i prefer good mood. but for those days that i feel rage ill have fmla to get out of work. thank goodness cuz i cant fake it for 8 hours lol.

everything is good im just bored to death and i dont want to hang out with my friends, just wanna be a blob in a blog lol

$1 Bottles

I'm broke! I have no money but the mortgage is paid. I also have friends who work and have money on Friday. They new where $1 bottles were at.

Since It's been MONTHS since they set eyes on me guess who got invited out! Yup me and they killed my ass lol that or the butter crowns bit me lol.

They had to send me home. OMG it was nice being out with my guys! Now the puking later part sucked ass lol. Well dollar bottels and a couple shots plus a can of soup will do that.

Now its not even 8 in the morning and  I dont have to work til 3....a nap is sooo in my future but man i had FUN!

She's home!

Yay my girlie is home! Bathed and clean and full of happiness. I invited him in because I didnt want to text everything i wanted to talk about. I have to get over the fact that the girlfriend watches her Friday night while he works but since he works 3rd shift I can't bitch.

To be honest I don't even want to bitch. I just want to say if she is curious about me be an adult and come to me don't stalk a social networking site because those things don't tell the real story.

She's going back next week and it looks like a permanent thing. Crossing my fingers. At least until she's old enough to want to spend nights at friends houses then we will deal with that.

So mission accomplished a good visit. I just have to remember and try to believe in what he says when he says the war and battles are over. Excuse my hesitency on that one,,,, but time will tell.

Now I have to wait for my hospital psych dr to fax back my fmla papers and THANK YOU LORD JESUS i was covered for real title 19 and wont have to pay the bill. Though with all the tax money ive put in the system I feel a bit entitled to a free stay lol.

I dont know much of anything but i do know that in 2 days i havnt had any suicidal thoughts which is an improvement over last week when 3 out of oh hell lets be honest all week i thought of ways to off myself.

Maybe its the nature of the beast or maybe i just havnt gotten all my meds adjusted correctly. We'll get there though just hard to adjust to everything ya know.

Brenda...your doing a great job with the girls...i say if your capable of taking them in tell them to call cps themelves and tell them they dont feel safe there but there is a safe place for them. Sorry our phones dropped the calls.

Well im going to enjoy haha this instant cup of coffee and pray for real coffee tomorrow maybe lol

Sometimes aware isnt even enough

In just a couple hours me and 2 friends will be going to the viewing of a friend we lost in a motorcycle accident. We've been talking about what to wear and finally we decided he wouldnt want us all dressed up..just come as you are and bring a drink lol. Im really almost certain it would be those words.

They were able to get some help through the VA, my mom rocks at her job!

He had 2 little children at home and grown if not almost grown children and i know his partner and mom are losing there minds.

My cousin was a great friend to him and is broken up.

We have all known this man for at least a decade plus. We've known his partner Beth from almost the get go.

I hate losing people but damn why all the ones that make you laugh and smile and are the life of the party.

i wish his family nothing but the best.

Soooo stupid

Ooooo how stupid I am! Turns out that the person keeping tabs on me is dj's girlfriend. WTF really? And now hes taking her to lunch to tell her the ground rules. Um that should have been done a long long time ago!

But back to the soo stupid. I contacted who at home we call Jackass2 in an effort for Mae. Why I felt i had to do it today i dont know. oh wait cuz his girlfriends following my movements!

He played it just like I knew he would....you know all my fault blah blah. Whatever just pick a time to see your kid while Im in a semidecent mood. Hell he could have come and taken Mae out to eat with them, but i guess that didnt occur to him.

HOWEVER I am not taking any responsibility for him not seeing her in 2 years because while he was quoting me the email he left out all the other stuff that was in there. He knew he had the option of seeing her. Jackass2 choose to not see her. But thats typical obviously.

But now I guess Ill have to let him  pick her up on Friday because her school is down the street.

Yup I went stupid again, lets hope its for the best of Mae!

Today is one of my bad days. My meds which i thought were kicking in, arent. Ive been depressed so much today that i couldnt do anything. Pacing, laying down, sitting up, trying to read, trying to play games. I just couldnt do it.

Tomorrow my friend is coming to get the bright shiny knives out of the house. Yup they are looking bright and shiny again so they need to go.

I dont know whats wrong with me but today i woke up and just couldnt function. I think I was scared to be diagnosed because then I would have to do something about it.

So I called a friend of mine and she talked with me for a bit and will be here tomorrow.

Mae is growing like a weed. Shes so smart and sometimes i think its only her that keeps me here. I would hate to leave her because well shes my love my life my everything.

Ok so im done with blogging tonight because even it has lost its appeal. Oh and hello to my ex who is keeping tabs on me...still dont know the why for that one lol.

Thank you very much anonymous. Well it's either one of two people and the names i threw out gave a facial change in the lady. Hello I'm your friendly DHS worker! I have never had DHS in my house except once when someone said we were making meth, unfounded of course!

So today I get DHS in my house and it's funny when you can see the a ha moment on the workers face. Supposedly 6 years ago i hit the ex in the head. Um yup I remember hitting him in the head...not with a fist but a frying pan when he had me backed into the kitchen.

Lucky for me I am a good parent and my child is surrounded by those who love her. Hell she forgot dj was her dad because she considers another man her daddy.

Oh and just because I forgot about him and dont look for him doesnt mean he forgot about me. I hope that whatever i write here keeps you as up to date as youre willing to be where Mae is concerned. Sadly when I told the worker about the "demands" i had she asked well when does he see her. Had to tell her he was to busy being a martyr and blaming me for everything to see the girl. Not my problem.

BUT from what it sounds like I have nothing to worry about. However if I was him Id be worried since someone hasnt paid all their fines and such.

Just remember people when you do something for an actual good reason things happen that are good. Pulling stunts like this does nothing but make the other person stronger and you more pathetic!

Welcome Back

It's now a full week since I hit the crazy train real hard. I've always been honest about wondering if i was bipolar. nobody would listen and so i kept living with the depression.

Well the last psych appointment ended up with me behind locked doors for 6 days. 6 days that so far have made a world of difference. However I do know that I can never go to jail because yesterday kind of sucked because i had to do things and go places when all i wanted to do was go home and get reacquainted with no restrictions lol.

This is the short version of the story because the long one has been told already. I got a change of meds at that psych apptmnet and it was a bad reaction. So i ended up in the psych unit but now so far the meds have made a difference.

i scared myself and people i love and all i can say to them is sorry and i have but i needed to be seen and have someone listen to me about whats going on....however the med search is killing me becase its 170 a month for my meds, i dont have them...but ill find a way to pay for them.

i wake up a little groggy but thats what coffee pots are for lol. but i feel better, still axious as hell but im feeling much better.

and i even had a  huge screaming meltdown that ended with this big guy being restrained after i yelled at him and then was all for him coming to beat me...that was my rage day and i obviously wasnt thinking clearly. then  i ended up with ice water n a cup thrown at me...i couldnt go off because they wouldnt get out of my way lol and i wasnt gettin restrained so i just seethed but calmly.

i cant go anywhere i tell ya lol but i did pet the fish! I know see even more proof of my new diagnosis lol.

All jokes aside I really do feel better. Today I started my day and did all my running before anyone was up lol.

now the mission is to keep the meds at a good level without having to be hospitalized again.

So I'm not blogging anywhere lol. I've just been really really unbloggable. Today will be day 7 in a row at work and when I get home I dont want to do anything but love on Mae and sit on my butt lol.

The kids dad got fired so we are without that extra money. It's really really tight around here. I'd get rid of the internet and direct tv but you know those wonderful 2 year contracts. It would cost more than the bill to get out of the contracts. I maxed my credit cards and now there isnt even that to fall back on. Well not only is he going to be an absent father he will now also be lumped into the full on dead beat dad department. But i'm working and all i have to do is just keep getting up and going to work and eventually all the bills will get paid...i hope!

But we won't have to worry about eating because they upped food stamps since we dont have that income. I used the child support for things we needed and without that money well never mind it doesnt matter because those who read this have been there done that.

Mae has to go back to iowa city to see if she has any kind of autism and they say yup she has adhd and pica...lovely!

But shes medicated now and it seems to be helping sorta...i think we need a med adjustment but what do i know.

So the best part of my day is Mae and the worst part of my day is a toss up between work and mae lol

other than that life is life and i really dont have anything to complain about.

Well it looks like im going to be moving my blog because i am not downloading another browser. I am no longer supported by blogger lol. Not sure where im moving it to yet but there are a couple options but seriously what a pain in the ass to have to move my blog AGAIN. First yahoo, then myspace, then livejournal, then something else, something else and blogger...ugh im spread out all over the world wide web. Tales of woe and tales of triumph all kinds of tales.

So instead of a big update like i wanted lol im just going to stop because i have no clue how to do the big update because...my life is in its own form of turmoil and its not dire but enough to send me over the edge...im hanging in there and hanging on...but seriously...ugh....life isnt all roses right now but hey at least i have the thorns!

4 months is a good run for me. I usually bolt at the begining of the 3rd month. But this time I didnt and well it ended. As happy as it all was going the crazy route would have been ok but add to that how attached he is to his mom...well lets just say he decided that he would rather live at home then be here. Ohh but he wants to be friends. There are some ex's I can be friends with. The love I had for this one means I can't be friends with him. He was forever, I saw forever, I heard the click...and now its back to doing it the way it was done before him.

Hell i thought we were getting back together and nope he was getting his big stuff from my house. Ha so funny the way men will get to you.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. My world is upside down right now but thats a good thing because now it looks like im smiling! lol lame i know.

Thankfully I had a relationship with his mama before him and her and I are all good because her and Mae clicked real well and I want her to still see her. He doesn' t get the confusion it would cause for her to hang with him because well she wanted a daddy she chose him and well didnt last long.

Though to his credit he does love Mae and is willing to give her rides to see him and shit so at least he has one up on the donor.

Anyways im gonna get my ass ready to take this kid to school and chill before work.

Holy crap batman! Up at 3 am again because Mae had to get up. So of course I had to stay up to make sure she went back to bed and stayed there. About an hour and a half later I was snoring on the couch because I just had a feeling she'd get back up lol.

Today I don't have much of an agenda except do the dishes and sleep and be lazy. I figure what the hell are two days off for lol.

Soooooo we're both covered in bruises from our romp on the hardwood floors. BUT lol the best part is that the wine made for some pictures that um omg what the hell lol. He lost his hat yesterday and looked and looked and looked for it. Then for some reason I got my phone out and was looking at the pictures. Well we have the proof of hat and that there is baby makin equipment lol. We didn't even remember it til we saw it lol and then of course we promptly found the hat lol. OMG we are bad bad bad people lol.

Well nothing going on still just living life, enjoying our family, and trying not to strangle the kid lol have a great one.

HOP HOP HOP

That's what the Easter Bunny does! I was the bunny! I had a great time until they told me I had to go to lunch. Damn it I was enjoying all the kids even if i was sweating to death.

Hardwood floors need to have rugs on them lol we keep ending up with bruises in places we shouldnt have them lol. Yeah we're working on that making a baby thing. Hopefully it will happen but if not then we still have Mae.

There really truly isnt anything going on in the life of the crazies. Work, love, food, and do it all again lol.

The only interesting thing to happen is that Earl thinks he saw the kids dad. He calls him Skullet and the woman he was with Fugly. Not my words but i find them amusing. What I don't find amusing is that if it was him that he saw, he was two blocks from my house. Which means he either walked down or the woman gave him a ride. Guess that I was right when I said he wanted nothing to do with her because if he did he would have used that woman for a ride to get his kid.

Oh well, the only thing that thought does is freak out Earl because he's afraid Mae will forget him. What he doesn't know is that yesterday Mae started talking about (we'll go with skullet lol) and she started to call him daddy and then stopped and called him dad. He had two years to be with her and now she has a daddy she isn't worried so much about him anymore so now she has a dad and a Daddy. Daddy wins everytime because its the daddy that does the most work.

Life is good and i didnt get screwed at work as much as they tried lol they fucked up and yay im good!

Almost over

Literally 2 minutes to type this before I have to get my ass back out the door to go to work. However by wasting gas and coming home I spent all my paycheck lol. Bills bills bills! But the bills are paid and I only have to work til 3 today with tomorrow off.

Since our fight things have been great. Its weird again let me tell you being at the place where youre good. I think ron was the guy who showed me good guys are out there and i got practice. and my Earl whos as crazy as they come is who i was waiting for.

Him and Mae have really embraced their father/daughter relationship. He has graduated to taking her to school and waiting with her til Tammy gets here on the weekends.

Like I said 2 minutes my pants are screaming at me lol the alarm says run so i must run!

Yay

TGIF~~ crosses self~~ I have today off! Ooo i am so happy to have a day out of the crazy place. I am really starting to believe if you weren't on medication before you started working where I work that you will end up medicated in some form.

We have one who drinks and falls down every couple months and fucks up her nose lol, another who sometimes is hungover but still there and doin her job, then theres me and well you know me lol ill medicate however i have to lol, and then add in all the actual crazy people who work there lol yea a day off is a good thing!

So not only did i go the crazy route in this relationship lol i took on a mama's boy. It doesn't bother me just its occasionally irritating. However lol if she has her way lol he won't be leaving this house alone in the near future lol. Her and Mae have this relationship that is awesome. She has herself a new grandma lol and this grandma is different then her other grandma. Its a beautiful thing to see.

I told my mom that I'm done with the family and to please not invite me to things or contact me blah blah. She made me talk to my dad. But seriously with everything that has occurred and will occur it's better to do it now. She doesn't realize how toxic our relationship is. Her personality and mine clash as much as they mesh. Im just done trying to live up to someone elses expectations and live the life they want for me instead of living the life I want to live.

By choosing my Forever I have set the path of my life. I will never have money, new cars, vacations, the extras. Guess what Im ok with that because I get to have my Forever and the family i want and need. Its going to be a lot of work lol but all I can see is this new family forever. I didn't cut Mae out of anyones life. Told them if they want to see her they just have to come get her.

I just want to live my life with as little toxicity as possible. Be entertained by the things that I find entertaining, knowing that with everything Ive done Ive gotten lucky to have a chance at a forever that will be good for me and my kiddo.

So im going to enjoy the net for two years and my direct tv for two years lol and at the end of those two years Im going to cry when I have to give them up lol cuz ya know bills gotta be paid and I make just enough money to not qualify for much of anything lol. Good thing Ive always known I have to work and ya know what as hard as this is....im willing to get it done for the sake of me and my kid because we deserve the love that this family brings to ours!

Already better

Today is already starting out better then the last two days! And I look goooood lol, make up is flawless and im smelling pretty to go to work with the public and be super happy lol.

Seriously though I do love my job its just the politics that suck. But i did get made full time before I get into trouble about my attendence lol.

I even have time to type this out before work. You know youre doing good when you have extra time.

Im going to work today and just gonna make it my day because only I can choose to have a good or bad day.

Kinda hoping that I dont work with his mom today just because i dont want to talk about yesterday. Especially when it hurt so much.

Ok so its off to work I go, come home and rush to take movies back and know its going to be a good day! whether it wants to be or not lol

FML lol

I had two fucking mondays in a row! Let me tell you what if it wasn't for anxiety meds and my girls I'd be in a much different place right now.

the first fight happened and it was ugly. It was soooo ugly and sucked ass. Much crying was involved and then the girls jumped in and talked two crazy people off the ledge.

The end of the day was much nicer. Kimmi made it all better and helped us to see the situation through different eyes and well...yeah make up sex is good. But you know how it is as a chick. It's going to linger which sucks because i cant bitch about shit because its over with. which is the truth can't hold onto something ugly makes it so you can't hold onto something beautiful.

i choose something beautiful. what i have is what i want. its what i need, its something my kid needs and beyond that there is the love. Im a lucky girl to have good friends and how refreshing to have a fight that didn't involve violence. Crazy but i have to look at this as the glass half full because it's half full lol.

He's not staying the night but he did put the kid to bed and got the daddy call out of the way, and he'll be leaving soon. Me, im going to bed. Told him to lock the door on his way out. Figure its been a long day and I'd like to just go to bed lol.

Please dear god lol let everyones medication keep working lol

So my anxiety is up. Not sure why..ok lets be honest, it's up because I have everything I want. Not used to having it so Im nuts over it lol. Thankfully I have a trusty scrip that will help me manage the anxiety and hey it makes work a whole lot more fun lol.

It's sooooo strange hearing Mae calling for her Daddy. For so long I had to make an excuse about where he was and why he wasnt here and now I just have to go hey Babe the Mae wants you. Sooo strange that I can sleep til the alarm goes off. Soooo strange that I'm not tucking her into bed often anymore. She has her dad. Like I told my mom a few weeks ago...it took you forever to find my real dad, well looks like it took me 5 years to find Mae's real dad.

I also have help with the housework and stuff that I havnt had help with again in years.

I realized that I love coming home and knowing he is going to be here. I love that he needs me time too, likes the same music i do, all kinds of things.

Annie said something to me once and I can't remember all of it but it was about being with someone and trusting them, loving them, and sticking with them. Well i know why i couldn't do it with the person she was referring to, because my forever was still out there.

It's difficult getting used to sharing the house just because its just been me and Mae. But now we have a family and wow....family is actually nice.

Time to go to the salt mines, two more days and then I get a day off. Stupid me took more hours and gave up a saturday off to work. LOL needing money sucks but at least I know how to take care of my family.

Have a good Wednesday all....im just waiting for friday lol

I love drama lol

As you know I got engaged. Who knew that one little ring could create so much drama. Life is great at the moment. I still love my job, the kid, my man, and them damn cats lol.

However lol one jealous little girl threw a hissy fit and it was like the whole world was ending. When you get engaged you show it off. Well I did, kinda had to lol cuz one of my work friends kept eyeballing my finger lol.

Anyways there was a possible promotion at work, which will never happen now(no biggie), but it resulted in me being called into the office.

Because my future mother in law is one of my supervisors i would have to step down, take a pay cut, or just not work anymore. Um hello Ill step down, yeah its gonna suck but I'll do it. Yes i picked a guy over money lol so sue me i love him lol.

WELL....after some more drama which is to long to go into, they say they will look into one other option. Well that option was viable and my future mil decided she would take the paycut and step down from her job and alls good. yeah they didnt like that but whatever lol im getting a good family with this one. oh and she would have done it for anyone else. she would do it even if we broke up tomorrow because shes like that.

So as you see drama follows me everywhere lol.

Trained a new cashier this week, guess we will see how well i did. but nothing is going on. just loving life and its like i found the male version of me lol or something like that and Mae is loving having that constant male figure. hell i dont even put her to bed when hes here lol. Yay i get a lil break from the constant mommy stress! I even got to sleep til almost 930 this morning because he was up with her. wow is this what a family is...who knew but were luvin it lol

Happy Day

Well what a surprise I was in for this morning when I found that Brenda's blog was MIA and then I realized hey I can see Dawn's blogs again. Sheesh what a begining to my computer time today lol. But the best part of today was it being Valentine's Day! We had a great day at the house!

Mae got a box of chocolates, a card with money, and a stuffed animal all from the Man and his Mama. I made out good too! I got a box of chocolates, the most beautiful card, and a blanket and pillow. I got him a tshirt and his mom a flower that opens and says we love you.

It was the best Vday in a long long long long time! The day didnt just end with that, the day totally continued on a great note!

Today was Mae's sharing day at school so i took the kitties to school. They share something with a letter from the alphabet and the letter this week was T...so tucker n tillie went to school today. AND THEN....because we have the most awesome man, we both went to her party at school and helped out. It was a great time and we are so lucky!

The day ends with a bottle of wine, fancy schmancy for dinner and some tv all cuddled up. Im just waiting for my turn for a cuddle lol Mae is monopolizing the Man so I have to wait. But its ok lol cuz if I only have to come in 2nd or 3rd to her and his mama Im good.

Im thinking before the year is out its marriage city cuz I don't want to run and I don't want him to run and well ya know we're in luuuuuuuuuv lol.

Last night we all went out for supper to the mexican restraunt. He already thinks of her as his kid and that's cool with me because he deals really well with her. Well she shocked the shit right out of us both when she asked him if she could call him daddy and would he be her daddy. Ok so we may have cried a bit, but it's what she wants and who am I to tell her no. He looked at me and I told him that it was up to him but once you commit youre committed.

Today as we're pulling into the garage she goes I really miss my daddy. Since this is the first time she has called anyone else daddy i had to ask who her daddy was. She goes E is my daddy and where is he. Well since we arent living together yet he's at home, told her he would be here tomorrow and she was all good.

We had our adhd appointment today and if you compared mine and the teachers scorecard we both came up with an adhd child and we left with to prescriptions. 1 for the adhd and 1 for the no sleeping. Yes we are back to not sleeping again. She asked if we used anything, um yea the adult dose of melatonin that did nothing. So now its something for anxiety and sleep. Yes at almost 6 my kiddo has inherited anxiety lol its a family affair lol.

But things are really good with us and things are all progressing in the right direction. Hey did you know that for 88cents at WalMart you can buy a pregnancy test? lol yea i thought i read it wrong too lol.

family life

I'm alive I'm alive! I just have been doing the whole family thing and well not much extra time to blog because im a huge bejeweled addict lol.

Sometimes in life you have to really say it's my life and i'm going to live it the way i want. No matter what others think, say, or imply. no matter what i do i'll be judged by somebody and instead of letting that rule my life it's time to say fuck it and do what's going to make me and my kiddo happy.

And family makes us happy. Though i do admit lol that the poor guy doesnt stand a chance with Mae lol i told him he needs to learn the phrase "lets ask your mom" lol. That way she doesn't get him in trouble lol.

It's the house of a 1000 crazy people lol and we're loving it!

Done!

Thank you sweet jesus they are done! Completely totally 100% done! I am so very very happy that it's over with that I could dance a jig! Yes it is that time again and again I'm done and over it except for the spending, which I kinda already did lol.

Taxes! Yes they are done! And just like last year lol I had to do them twice because my refund wasn't anywhere near where it should be lol. So i waited a day and redid them. The refund went from a grand down to six hundred yesterday lol and today went way up lol like ill have a grand leftover once i get my bills paid!

Which means we have new socks n underware money lol.

Also got the BIG grocery shopping done! Im such a good foodstamp mama I filled the freezer and the cupboard with FOOD and still have almost half my stamps leftover. Nothing irks me more than watching some of the foodstamp mama's come through at work and all they have is tv dinners, soda, frozen burgers and quick shit. I dont know how they do it because we have to have food. Though I must say that paying attention to the ads and buying the yellow tags make it a lot better. I overestimated my meat bill today and was off by like 10 bucks which was really nice because I bought some soup because it was on sale. So coupons and match ads made it so we could have a box of poptarts and some chocolate milk(which i also ad matched lol).

Anyways I think Im going to go breathe a big sigh of relief and when I stop by to get water bill money from my fund lol i can tell them don't worry ill be adding money back to my fund with the refund lol.

Gotta love the bank of dad...wont give me my own damn money unless i have a really good reason lol.

Truths

While wandering the halls of the net this morning I found a couple comments that I believe are pure and simple truths and thought i would share them!

It takes more than child support and presents to be a dad.

If you're not getting your kids every other weekend then you're only being a dad when it suits you.

You don't get any rewards for paying child support.....YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO!!!!

Maybe you should take the time to see your children and not just around once in a while

Seriously, did you expect some kind of award for "sometimes" buying your kids presents on their birthdays, seeing them periodically (but not every weekend), and calling your ex a bitch?

---Those comments just say all that I can't articulate. And the funny thing is that it's all truth. Truth hurts and sometimes it's good to see people called on it. Fortunatly for me and my kiddo there are people in her life who are willing to pose as a good male role model and a man who actually cares about her and would love to be her Daddy. Maybe one day the rest of the donors who bitch and moan will get a clue and make changes that will not only help them feel better about themselves but will enrich their own kiddos lives.

But then what do I know...I'm just the mama who's doing it on her own.

Seriously lol

Do most websites think we're stupid lol because I'm pretty sure that when I want to delete an account I'm sure I want to delete it lol.

Things in my life have changed rapidly. With these changes and upcoming changes I felt the need, desire, drive to delete myself from dating websites and alternative websites.

This is no longer something that is applicable to my life. While I love the lifestyle for me it isn't something I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness over. To be a healthy whole person you have to know what isn't going to work for you. I will always respect everyone's beliefs but that's it. I don't have any reason to be on those sites because I have what I need.

Want and need are two different animals and need always wins out. I need to be loved, I need my kid to be loved, I need to have support...yes I get that it's a lot of I need but it's my life so it's supposed to be about me!

Sure it would be fun to do all the things I've done again, but truthfully I really like having what I have now. I shouldn't have spent so much time looking for something that wasn't ever going to work in my life. At one time it worked for my life but now, I've grown as a person and the person I've grown into knows that what I have is right, real, and what I need.

Which brings me to the first sentence um how do i delete lol. Why should i have to email to delete why cant i just delete lol. It took me what seemed like forever to get off of the sites. However I triumphed over them and have been removed

Ya know, it didn't hurt at all getting deleted lol more people should try it!

A pictures worth a thousand words

Early

The house is quiet! But then again it isn't even 6 am yet lol. Have probably about another half hour to an hour of just plain quiet. Hoping that today is a good day at school for my kiddo! I have lots of plans today....all of them include sleep, laying down, sleep, laying down ooo yeah and probably a bit of snuggling.

Did I mention that it's my day off lol. Sadly though I start a 5 day stretch on Friday. Which includes 3 nine hour days in a row lol. Good lord help me to not roll my eyes too much at work lol.

I have three movies to watch that I'm thinking aren't going to get watched lol. I really need to stop throwing money away on movies I won't watch lol. By the time I'm ready to watch a movie my eyes are already closing and my ears are getting rid of the beep beep sound lol.

BUT today I don't have to hear it unless I decide at some point to go and return cans n bottles lol. I think I may say fuck it and just lay up on the couch or in bed all day. Hell I don't even have to take the kid to school today because I don't have my car at this moment lol.

That is the only bad part of life at the moment. Well it's bad for my friend but inconvienent for me. We're sharing a car right now because hers went tits up! So we share the gas and the keys and everyone gets where they need to go.

Well I think that its time to crawl back into bed before the house wakes up, it would be nice to have a little more sleep lol. Ok so I got 5 hours in bed and like 3 on the couch before I woke up and dragged my ass off to bed lol.

See I'm rambling again! Its early lol but hey at least now its after 6!

Shorty

Nothing to bitch about for a change lol. Ok so yes there is but that's because life happens. Today I ended up having to leave work early because Miss Mae got sent home from school. She had a complete and total meltdown at school and they couldn't do anything with her and sent her to the principals and home she came.

Work is going good. My hours aren't so late anymore and I'm getting a chance to spend more time with Mae. Driving me nuts but hey lol she's my kiddo and i love her even if shes a complete terror at times lol.

There is some news that I'm not sharing just yet; but if it comes to fruition trust me I'll fill you in.

Grandpa has come to visit my house a few times over the last 4 months. I have a clock of his that once upon a time glowed in the dark. Well it's one of his possessions that I got to bring with me. It doesn't glow anymore HOWEVER on about 3 seperate occasions it has all of a sudden started glowing. I havn't moved it, changed positions, put it in different lighting...none of the things that you could attribute it to. I choose to believe that my Gramps is letting me know he's still hanging around.

My life consists of work, Mae, and paying bills that I have no idea how I'm going to pay them lol. But I get up and go to work and enjoy my job. Hell all I have to do is show up and every two weeks half my mortgage payment goes into my account. Doesn't get much better than that.

I really really want to spill the beans but I'm totally afraid of jinxing it lol but when the beans get spilled make sure you're sitting down and have some cornbread to lap up that bean juice lol.

Ok thats it for now...a boring normal life is whats going on over here. Brenda im jealous you got your taxes done and Dawn I think you were just looking for an excuse to not have to really blog blog ha ha ha...but i do love the picture idea too bad im not as disciplined as you.