I wasn't capable of reality today. I couldn't even reach the playground gate! I had a total emo day. The only thing I did was take care of Mae.
I just couldn't pull myself out of the hole I was in. I'm not out of it now, but I am trying to climb up.
Tomorrow I have to play in reality. I have no choice. I just don't even know how to handle all of this and process it.
Thank god the day is over and I can sleep. Let's hope tomorrow is much better than today!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Welcome to yet another BiPolar Moment with your hostess with the mostess! It's a rainy, nasty, dreary, yucky day in Iowa. Totally fitting for the mood that I acquired this morning.
My friend Kimmi and I talk a lot in the morning around 8. Today was no different. She did her bitching and I did my bragging about what a good night Grandpa had when I stayed. We both were in really good moods. Things were going ok, we were just having girl talk, when my mom called in.
It's just way easier to take her call and see what she wants right away. I wish I wouldn't have answered the phone. That's when the BPM started. God it kind of makes me wish I was bipolar because at least then I'd be medicated for it ya know what I mean?!
She was calling to tell me that Grandpa's night wasn't too bad, but his oxygen numbers dropped again and... They were taking him to ICU! Not what I wanted, or needed, to hear! At that time they were talking of putting him on the ventilator. Now I know they didn't. He is back on the bipap machine, THAT HE HATES. Mom was telling him if he just left it alone she would ask the doctor if he could go home tomorrow and if he said yes she would. She lied lol ok didn't lie but coerced or lied by omission..something lol, but it worked he settled down.
I am really in a funk right now and I'm just going to go with it. With the weather and my mood why fight it. Tomorrow is another day and there are plans for it. So get it out of my system now!
Yea easier said than done. I am depressed and sad and all kinds of things. But at least I know it and know what I need to do. I'm going to wallow today, and tomorrow be ok. I rented a bunch of movies for me, and me and Mae. Then tonight we will cheese out to tv and have fancy schmancy for supper!
Seee it's not all horrible, just enough good to keep ya afloat....ahhh life!
My friend Kimmi and I talk a lot in the morning around 8. Today was no different. She did her bitching and I did my bragging about what a good night Grandpa had when I stayed. We both were in really good moods. Things were going ok, we were just having girl talk, when my mom called in.
It's just way easier to take her call and see what she wants right away. I wish I wouldn't have answered the phone. That's when the BPM started. God it kind of makes me wish I was bipolar because at least then I'd be medicated for it ya know what I mean?!
She was calling to tell me that Grandpa's night wasn't too bad, but his oxygen numbers dropped again and... They were taking him to ICU! Not what I wanted, or needed, to hear! At that time they were talking of putting him on the ventilator. Now I know they didn't. He is back on the bipap machine, THAT HE HATES. Mom was telling him if he just left it alone she would ask the doctor if he could go home tomorrow and if he said yes she would. She lied lol ok didn't lie but coerced or lied by omission..something lol, but it worked he settled down.
I am really in a funk right now and I'm just going to go with it. With the weather and my mood why fight it. Tomorrow is another day and there are plans for it. So get it out of my system now!
Yea easier said than done. I am depressed and sad and all kinds of things. But at least I know it and know what I need to do. I'm going to wallow today, and tomorrow be ok. I rented a bunch of movies for me, and me and Mae. Then tonight we will cheese out to tv and have fancy schmancy for supper!
Seee it's not all horrible, just enough good to keep ya afloat....ahhh life!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I really have the distinct impression that I am supposed to be doing it all. I also have the distinct impression that I'm disappointing everyone around me. I also don't understand how my parents want me to be looking for a fulltime job, but then expect me to spend every day, or every other day at the hospital.
I can't please everyone, though lord knows I try. I don't deserve the guilt my mother is laying on me. It isn't my fault that things cost so much and we have to do the work. I'm not complaining about the work, I'm complaining about feeling like I'm ignoring my daughter. I had to explain to my mom that Mae is acting out. She is having bad days at school, being mouthier, just plain being irritating because it's getting her attention. Attention she didn't have to fight for before.
But some how Maes needs arent coming across as important. That or mom is too blinded with the begining of grief and needing to take care of her dad that noone else matters. WHICH I UNDERSTAND.
But we can't do it all. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him on his own because who knows if we would have another incident. I told mom if it keeps up I'll be back on the edge again.
I tried explaining to her how the drug made me feel better but too much of it hurt. Guess you just had to put lots of substances in your body to know what i mean. I tried explaining to her that its like a withdrawl. That its not fun after it stops being fun. I've had my fair share of experience in this department. It makes you snappy and jumpy and crabby and it's hard. Glad that I only spent 4 bucks for this instead of what street drugs go for lol.
I guess its a good thing i blog, can you imagine all this still stuck swirling around my head? Please let something normal happen. I asked for Saturday off and Monday off so I can do Mae things...please let me get them!
I can't please everyone, though lord knows I try. I don't deserve the guilt my mother is laying on me. It isn't my fault that things cost so much and we have to do the work. I'm not complaining about the work, I'm complaining about feeling like I'm ignoring my daughter. I had to explain to my mom that Mae is acting out. She is having bad days at school, being mouthier, just plain being irritating because it's getting her attention. Attention she didn't have to fight for before.
But some how Maes needs arent coming across as important. That or mom is too blinded with the begining of grief and needing to take care of her dad that noone else matters. WHICH I UNDERSTAND.
But we can't do it all. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him on his own because who knows if we would have another incident. I told mom if it keeps up I'll be back on the edge again.
I tried explaining to her how the drug made me feel better but too much of it hurt. Guess you just had to put lots of substances in your body to know what i mean. I tried explaining to her that its like a withdrawl. That its not fun after it stops being fun. I've had my fair share of experience in this department. It makes you snappy and jumpy and crabby and it's hard. Glad that I only spent 4 bucks for this instead of what street drugs go for lol.
I guess its a good thing i blog, can you imagine all this still stuck swirling around my head? Please let something normal happen. I asked for Saturday off and Monday off so I can do Mae things...please let me get them!
I feel like I'm neglecting Mae. I told my mom today that I'd put her on the back burner, because that's exactly how it feels to me, and she blew up at me. She doesn't want to hear it, I need to tell my friends that and not her.
But she is the reason why I am putting Mae on the back burner. Monday was their birthdays. I wanted to take treats to her class and have lunch then, but I had to drive to get my Uncle from the airport. 4 hours roundtrip. Then I had to stay with Grandpa, not complaining, so that ruled out Tuesday. Well I was going to do it today, but my mom told the bed place it was ok to come today. Doesn't matter that I wanted to do Mae today. So I said I'd do it tomorrow. Only way I can do tomorrow is if Grandpa has a good night tonight. Because I have to stay with grandpa tonight because if he goes to the nursing home mom will be there and it would mean two nights up for her. Um hellllo!!! I was all freaking drugged on Saturday when I checked out of the psych unit(partly because of "my responsibilities" that she reminded me of) and I spent the night with him.
We got into it! I have had like 2 nights since all of this that were for me. To do something I wanted to do, or nothing at all. I am not counting the 36 hours in the psych because even if I hadnt gone I wouldnt have been able to help anyone because of the state i was in. I don't like the feeling of neglecting Mae.
I don't like feeling I'm neglecting my grandpa. I just can't get a break. Mom talks to me like I havn't done anything and I'm so ungreatful when I say that I want to do something for me and something with Mae. I yelled at her that I have done just as much as her! If not more since I'm the one with the image of my grandpa helpless on the fucking floor!
My friend told me today that she was talking to another friend of ours about me. She said it was like he didn't know me. Didn't know that I take on everything! I do take on everything. But I can only take so much. I'm really really looking forward to having someone to talk to. Someone who is paid to listen to me and to help me figure things out.
I don't think I'm being selfish. I don't know what else I can do for everyone else. I just want to have a little fun in all this swirling mess. I really need to just get out and be the good kind of crazy. At least I go back to work next week. Hell maybe I should have just said schedule me. Let mom figure it out how to make me feel guilty about working during the week. No not a good idea. Then she will just drive me further crazy.
What a viscious cycle!
But she is the reason why I am putting Mae on the back burner. Monday was their birthdays. I wanted to take treats to her class and have lunch then, but I had to drive to get my Uncle from the airport. 4 hours roundtrip. Then I had to stay with Grandpa, not complaining, so that ruled out Tuesday. Well I was going to do it today, but my mom told the bed place it was ok to come today. Doesn't matter that I wanted to do Mae today. So I said I'd do it tomorrow. Only way I can do tomorrow is if Grandpa has a good night tonight. Because I have to stay with grandpa tonight because if he goes to the nursing home mom will be there and it would mean two nights up for her. Um hellllo!!! I was all freaking drugged on Saturday when I checked out of the psych unit(partly because of "my responsibilities" that she reminded me of) and I spent the night with him.
We got into it! I have had like 2 nights since all of this that were for me. To do something I wanted to do, or nothing at all. I am not counting the 36 hours in the psych because even if I hadnt gone I wouldnt have been able to help anyone because of the state i was in. I don't like the feeling of neglecting Mae.
I don't like feeling I'm neglecting my grandpa. I just can't get a break. Mom talks to me like I havn't done anything and I'm so ungreatful when I say that I want to do something for me and something with Mae. I yelled at her that I have done just as much as her! If not more since I'm the one with the image of my grandpa helpless on the fucking floor!
My friend told me today that she was talking to another friend of ours about me. She said it was like he didn't know me. Didn't know that I take on everything! I do take on everything. But I can only take so much. I'm really really looking forward to having someone to talk to. Someone who is paid to listen to me and to help me figure things out.
I don't think I'm being selfish. I don't know what else I can do for everyone else. I just want to have a little fun in all this swirling mess. I really need to just get out and be the good kind of crazy. At least I go back to work next week. Hell maybe I should have just said schedule me. Let mom figure it out how to make me feel guilty about working during the week. No not a good idea. Then she will just drive me further crazy.
What a viscious cycle!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The trip through hell continues. Yesterday my mom tried to suggest that I do two nights in a row with grandpa. Yesterday I did a 4 hour drive to pick up and bring back my Uncle from the airport. My grandpa has problems at night right now and is a lot of work.
I don't mean a lot of work as in I'm bitching. But two nights in a row with grandpa right now isn't a good thing, for me at least. He changes at night. It's like an alzheimers patient. We do good(ish) during the day and then at night the fun begins.
His hands go, legs go, gets combative, angry, mean, funny, loving, storyteller, all these things. It's a mental and physical struggle with him. It's not his fault, I'm not angry with him, I won't not take care of him. I'd just prefer to not do 2 nights in a row because I've found out if I don't recharge then I creep toward the edge, and the edge sucks lol.
Last night I had to explain to him the concept of the foley, fun! Mom left instructions for no haldol unless she approved it. I CALLED MY MOTHER!! I've spent a lot of time with Grandpa since he's been in the hospital. I've been through almost as much, if not as much as my mom has with this. I have watched his behavior. At night around 10 we start to lose him. Like literally it seems like we start to lose him.
The last few nights he's had a fever start. Then we give him haldol to help him rest and relax from the restless leg syndrome and whatever is going on with the night thing, and his breathing gets worse. He will wave his hands and fight to get out of bed if not medicated. Thank you mom for saying yes when we called!
He doesn't sleep much. Or if he does it's not good sleep. It's like he is fighting sleep and I don't know why. Luckily there is enough of my Grandpa in there that you can make the best of the situation...if your not doing your best not to break his arm from having to hold him.
Mom called me a little bit ago, which is why I'm blogging, to tell me my Uncle had called her to tell her that it had started. It started earlier tonight. He has a fever and took the tylenol. Now though he is refusing to take anything else. They are going to give him the shot of haldol. I'm glad that our night was fairly easy after he was given it last night and didn't fight us on it.
I have no idea what's going on. I have no idea about anything really. I wish I could get the answer but I know there are only two possible outcomes.
It will be what it will be and like I told my mom tonight. I am going to spend this time with grandpa and just love him. That all I can do is be there and love him because it's what ive got.
I don't mean a lot of work as in I'm bitching. But two nights in a row with grandpa right now isn't a good thing, for me at least. He changes at night. It's like an alzheimers patient. We do good(ish) during the day and then at night the fun begins.
His hands go, legs go, gets combative, angry, mean, funny, loving, storyteller, all these things. It's a mental and physical struggle with him. It's not his fault, I'm not angry with him, I won't not take care of him. I'd just prefer to not do 2 nights in a row because I've found out if I don't recharge then I creep toward the edge, and the edge sucks lol.
Last night I had to explain to him the concept of the foley, fun! Mom left instructions for no haldol unless she approved it. I CALLED MY MOTHER!! I've spent a lot of time with Grandpa since he's been in the hospital. I've been through almost as much, if not as much as my mom has with this. I have watched his behavior. At night around 10 we start to lose him. Like literally it seems like we start to lose him.
The last few nights he's had a fever start. Then we give him haldol to help him rest and relax from the restless leg syndrome and whatever is going on with the night thing, and his breathing gets worse. He will wave his hands and fight to get out of bed if not medicated. Thank you mom for saying yes when we called!
He doesn't sleep much. Or if he does it's not good sleep. It's like he is fighting sleep and I don't know why. Luckily there is enough of my Grandpa in there that you can make the best of the situation...if your not doing your best not to break his arm from having to hold him.
Mom called me a little bit ago, which is why I'm blogging, to tell me my Uncle had called her to tell her that it had started. It started earlier tonight. He has a fever and took the tylenol. Now though he is refusing to take anything else. They are going to give him the shot of haldol. I'm glad that our night was fairly easy after he was given it last night and didn't fight us on it.
I have no idea what's going on. I have no idea about anything really. I wish I could get the answer but I know there are only two possible outcomes.
It will be what it will be and like I told my mom tonight. I am going to spend this time with grandpa and just love him. That all I can do is be there and love him because it's what ive got.
Thank god they finally answered their phone lol. Yayyyy I can stop taking the pill! The lady there said that if it was making me feel like that then definitly stop it.
Back in my wild and crazy 20's i did a whole lot of things that arent good for you and one of them made me feel like this. Um hello I quit for a few reasons but one of them was i really dont like feeling like this lol. I mean if i wanted to feel like this id have found some friends and wed have taken a trip with the street lol.
I just wish that I hadnt taken that morning pill, or maybe its really a good thing that i did so i saw this effect.
Maaaaaaan let me tell you lol....i dont know why i thought this was fun in my 20s lol but in my 30s im not enjoying it lol~
Back in my wild and crazy 20's i did a whole lot of things that arent good for you and one of them made me feel like this. Um hello I quit for a few reasons but one of them was i really dont like feeling like this lol. I mean if i wanted to feel like this id have found some friends and wed have taken a trip with the street lol.
I just wish that I hadnt taken that morning pill, or maybe its really a good thing that i did so i saw this effect.
Maaaaaaan let me tell you lol....i dont know why i thought this was fun in my 20s lol but in my 30s im not enjoying it lol~
Sooo not liking the anti depressant they put me on. Sooo not liking the fact that ive been pawned off to another place who isn't answering the phone during their business hours. Then if they can't help me I call back the place that is pawning me off lol.
What a freaking viscious cycle. I tell you what though, if i dont have an answer by tomorrow mornings dose...I wont be taking it.
Its making me jittery, my heart feels like its racing, i cant key down to sleep, when i do sleep i dont think im sleeping. Thursday Im supposed to start taking a whole pill. Well fuck me, if a half a pill is making me feel this way, whats a whole pill going to do?
Yes, i know your not supposed to stop them, but man i have to sleep! Not sleeping is part of what got me here in the first place.
The upside is ive lost 4 lbs since ive been on it lol. Wonder if that has anything to do with all the jittery heart racing stuff....im pretty sure it does!
God i love modern medicine, but seriously, i cant take this medicine. I know there are other meds out there that wont make me feel like this, but because i have no money i have to go to the sliding fee place. My first therapy appointment is May 25 and then i see a psychiatrist on June 15th.
Seriously lol it just keeps getting better.
My grandpa is still very ill, and at night he sundowns and can turn into a wild man. The haldol theyve been giving seems to help...if you get him early enough. But he isnt sleeping well either. Its crazy its horrible and im pretty sure my mom is next for a lil mental break!
What a freaking viscious cycle. I tell you what though, if i dont have an answer by tomorrow mornings dose...I wont be taking it.
Its making me jittery, my heart feels like its racing, i cant key down to sleep, when i do sleep i dont think im sleeping. Thursday Im supposed to start taking a whole pill. Well fuck me, if a half a pill is making me feel this way, whats a whole pill going to do?
Yes, i know your not supposed to stop them, but man i have to sleep! Not sleeping is part of what got me here in the first place.
The upside is ive lost 4 lbs since ive been on it lol. Wonder if that has anything to do with all the jittery heart racing stuff....im pretty sure it does!
God i love modern medicine, but seriously, i cant take this medicine. I know there are other meds out there that wont make me feel like this, but because i have no money i have to go to the sliding fee place. My first therapy appointment is May 25 and then i see a psychiatrist on June 15th.
Seriously lol it just keeps getting better.
My grandpa is still very ill, and at night he sundowns and can turn into a wild man. The haldol theyve been giving seems to help...if you get him early enough. But he isnt sleeping well either. Its crazy its horrible and im pretty sure my mom is next for a lil mental break!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Soooo yea I totally lost my shit! I had the big great breakdown. It was so very very wonderful. So wonderful that I spent almost 36 hours in the psych unit of the hospital my granpda is in. After I posted that blog a couple days ago, I went to take some stuff up to the hospital and just walking in the doors started to set me off.
My mom called me as Mae and I were on our way to wallyworld for a night light. She asked why i was so damned angry with them. I was like im not angry with you, and then fucking lost it. I couldn't stop crying.
Crying so bad that Mae was asking me mommy are you crying again. That is sooo not what you want your child to be asking you. Ranks right up their with mom why does the dog get that red thing when hes happy. Yea not good.
Mom told me just to take her to daycare and go to the ER. Which I did! They got me into the back and took all the things that could hurt me lol. I didn't have anything and while I really had had thoughts, I wasn't going to do anything.
I just couldnt get a grip. Reality had left the building, or maybe it was the weight of reality crashing down on me. I don't know but it wasn't very fun. I couldnt stop crying. I was half ass hyperventilating. I was rocking myself. Can you say mental breakdown?? I can!
Mom told me she was sorry for telling me I had to be the strong one, I believe her, but then in true mom form told me i had to be there lol. I love my mom i really do. I scared my friend kimmi so bad she couldnt do the driving and the thinking on her way to get to me.
BTW now i feel like an attention whore, embarrased, and stupid for going to psych and only being there a day and a half. BUT IM NOT FUCKING CRAZY AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING NUTS!!! lol. but i didnt do it for attention, i did it because i needed to be away, i needed to be safe and let someone else do the looking after, and the vistral didn't hurt either. The ativan was really really nice though it hurt like hell lol.
I slept all day friday and had trouble interacting with the fellow nuts, and just kind of wandered and ended up in bed before 9. That makes for a restless night. But i toughed it out. Got up the next morning and was feeling a bit better and just wanted to go back to bed. the people were stressing me out, making me anxious. Then of course you get art therapy. I went cuz I had to and sat there. Then the fun thing sent me running for a vistral and a nap. Some lady needed a bed alarm and it kept going off and i just couldnt deal. I dont think ill ever be able to hear an alarm like that without a reaction.
Soooooooooo because i am stronger than i give myself credit for, the vistral, the antidepressent w/some kind of anti anxiety or somecrap...i was at the hospital last night with grandpa. Though i think if i would have flipped out on psych any more with the 2 1/2 hours it took to discharge me i probably would have had to stay lol.
But Tammy stayed with me last night and we stayed with grandpa.
It was not a good night. 1. Im just out of psych and ty for the anti...the anxiety part was working. 2. Grandpa went on bipap and fought. 3. grandpa wouldnt rest and we had to hold him like last week, but it wasnt as bad, but when you know how bad it can get you just wait for it to happen.
Im home right now obviously, DJ(Maes dad) is staying the night with me. Yes I broke down and asked for a mans help. My mom asked me why i wanted him to stay the night. I told her because I need someone! I need it to be about me is what i told him. Hes out in the living room leaving me alone. WTF lol he did my laundry. Thank you DJ! I could have done it but like he(didnt order) said just accept it.
I thought last weekend was the hard part. I believe I had my meltdown, break down, attack, when i did because the hard part isnt even here yet. Its working its way faster than we would like, but its coming. I hope and pray that it turns around but its one thing after another. Heart, then kidneys, now lungs. We cant catch a break. I want my grandpa, i am selfish, but its time to face reality that maybe its time to be selfless. I will continue to pray and hope for his recovery. I pray that I get up tomorrow and my mom says we had a good night and grandpa is eating breakfast. I just wish I could make myself believe it will happen. I hope that truth can equal positive because I only want positive thoughts. But reality truth it all can be something different....I dont know
Im off to watch one of the 2 dvd's i got out of the redbox and I bet I dont see much lol
My mom called me as Mae and I were on our way to wallyworld for a night light. She asked why i was so damned angry with them. I was like im not angry with you, and then fucking lost it. I couldn't stop crying.
Crying so bad that Mae was asking me mommy are you crying again. That is sooo not what you want your child to be asking you. Ranks right up their with mom why does the dog get that red thing when hes happy. Yea not good.
Mom told me just to take her to daycare and go to the ER. Which I did! They got me into the back and took all the things that could hurt me lol. I didn't have anything and while I really had had thoughts, I wasn't going to do anything.
I just couldnt get a grip. Reality had left the building, or maybe it was the weight of reality crashing down on me. I don't know but it wasn't very fun. I couldnt stop crying. I was half ass hyperventilating. I was rocking myself. Can you say mental breakdown?? I can!
Mom told me she was sorry for telling me I had to be the strong one, I believe her, but then in true mom form told me i had to be there lol. I love my mom i really do. I scared my friend kimmi so bad she couldnt do the driving and the thinking on her way to get to me.
BTW now i feel like an attention whore, embarrased, and stupid for going to psych and only being there a day and a half. BUT IM NOT FUCKING CRAZY AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING NUTS!!! lol. but i didnt do it for attention, i did it because i needed to be away, i needed to be safe and let someone else do the looking after, and the vistral didn't hurt either. The ativan was really really nice though it hurt like hell lol.
I slept all day friday and had trouble interacting with the fellow nuts, and just kind of wandered and ended up in bed before 9. That makes for a restless night. But i toughed it out. Got up the next morning and was feeling a bit better and just wanted to go back to bed. the people were stressing me out, making me anxious. Then of course you get art therapy. I went cuz I had to and sat there. Then the fun thing sent me running for a vistral and a nap. Some lady needed a bed alarm and it kept going off and i just couldnt deal. I dont think ill ever be able to hear an alarm like that without a reaction.
Soooooooooo because i am stronger than i give myself credit for, the vistral, the antidepressent w/some kind of anti anxiety or somecrap...i was at the hospital last night with grandpa. Though i think if i would have flipped out on psych any more with the 2 1/2 hours it took to discharge me i probably would have had to stay lol.
But Tammy stayed with me last night and we stayed with grandpa.
It was not a good night. 1. Im just out of psych and ty for the anti...the anxiety part was working. 2. Grandpa went on bipap and fought. 3. grandpa wouldnt rest and we had to hold him like last week, but it wasnt as bad, but when you know how bad it can get you just wait for it to happen.
Im home right now obviously, DJ(Maes dad) is staying the night with me. Yes I broke down and asked for a mans help. My mom asked me why i wanted him to stay the night. I told her because I need someone! I need it to be about me is what i told him. Hes out in the living room leaving me alone. WTF lol he did my laundry. Thank you DJ! I could have done it but like he(didnt order) said just accept it.
I thought last weekend was the hard part. I believe I had my meltdown, break down, attack, when i did because the hard part isnt even here yet. Its working its way faster than we would like, but its coming. I hope and pray that it turns around but its one thing after another. Heart, then kidneys, now lungs. We cant catch a break. I want my grandpa, i am selfish, but its time to face reality that maybe its time to be selfless. I will continue to pray and hope for his recovery. I pray that I get up tomorrow and my mom says we had a good night and grandpa is eating breakfast. I just wish I could make myself believe it will happen. I hope that truth can equal positive because I only want positive thoughts. But reality truth it all can be something different....I dont know
Im off to watch one of the 2 dvd's i got out of the redbox and I bet I dont see much lol
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tomorrow I'm calling the mental health place that works on a sliding fee scale. I have to for my own safety. I have never EVER thought about actually committing suicide until a day or so ago.
I was either going to drive my car into a telephone pole or a tree or I was going to come home and take all the medication in the house.
I am not as strong as I thought I was. I need outside professional help. The stress of this situation has made me think crazy things that I would normally not think of.
I almost checked myself into the psychiatric unit at the hospital I was so scared of myself.
I know I was really ready to do it because I didn't even care what would happen to Mae. Everyone who knows me knows i would die for the child. That I would give everything for her. And I just didn't care about what would happen to her.
I feel anxious, nervous, scared, and sometimes I just don't know how to deal with this.
On top of everything with my grandpa, my bio dad has to have heart surgery to. It is just supposed to be stents but you know how it is. If it's to bad they will just crack his chest for open heart surgery.
I tried telling my mom how I felt, but I don't think she quite gets(until a few minutes ago) how deadly serious I was about hurting myself.
I know that I don't want to hurt myself because while I was having these horrible thoughts I just kept thinking something like this isn't right. This isn't you.
Since I have noone to actually be there be there for me, like a spouse would be, I am going to seek help tomorrow. I have the phone number to call and I am going to call.
After I had Mae and had the issues with her dad, I went and talked to someone. I wasn't diagnosed with any mental illness. So I don't think I have one. I do think I am seriously severely depressed.
I didn't want to blog this, but I need to so I can get it out. So i can have my outlet for just a moment. I just don't know where all this came from all of a sudden. Ok so I do know and I hate myself for even thinking it. But sometimes our brains just don't do what they are supposed to do.
My mom called me a bit ago and grandpa asked her to stay with him tonight. She said his legs are starting to do what they did when it was really bad. His hands arent doing it yet she said. Now I'm all worried again. I just don't know. I just need someone or something to help me.
And that's what professionals are for. Hey who knows maybe after 3 years of not seeing a professional I'll be diagnosed with bipolar and i can become all inappropriate and stupid and blame it on a disease. Maybe they will diagnose me with schizaphenia. Hell maybe they will tell me Im normal and nothing is wrong with me.
I just know that if I don't get some kind of help, there is a distinct possibility that I will do something stupid. Not like what i described above, but you know like drink til i hurt myself, or just be plain stupid and pick a fight with the wrong person.
It's serious. I'm scared. I wish my friends could help me, but they can only do so much.
All this stress and anxiety has got to stop sometime. Things have got to get back to somewhat normal soon.
God I'm such a cry baby lol...well I guess I should be greatful I'm smart enough to not do anything and maybe the professionals can fix me so I can truly be the strong one and be there for everyone like always.
I was either going to drive my car into a telephone pole or a tree or I was going to come home and take all the medication in the house.
I am not as strong as I thought I was. I need outside professional help. The stress of this situation has made me think crazy things that I would normally not think of.
I almost checked myself into the psychiatric unit at the hospital I was so scared of myself.
I know I was really ready to do it because I didn't even care what would happen to Mae. Everyone who knows me knows i would die for the child. That I would give everything for her. And I just didn't care about what would happen to her.
I feel anxious, nervous, scared, and sometimes I just don't know how to deal with this.
On top of everything with my grandpa, my bio dad has to have heart surgery to. It is just supposed to be stents but you know how it is. If it's to bad they will just crack his chest for open heart surgery.
I tried telling my mom how I felt, but I don't think she quite gets(until a few minutes ago) how deadly serious I was about hurting myself.
I know that I don't want to hurt myself because while I was having these horrible thoughts I just kept thinking something like this isn't right. This isn't you.
Since I have noone to actually be there be there for me, like a spouse would be, I am going to seek help tomorrow. I have the phone number to call and I am going to call.
After I had Mae and had the issues with her dad, I went and talked to someone. I wasn't diagnosed with any mental illness. So I don't think I have one. I do think I am seriously severely depressed.
I didn't want to blog this, but I need to so I can get it out. So i can have my outlet for just a moment. I just don't know where all this came from all of a sudden. Ok so I do know and I hate myself for even thinking it. But sometimes our brains just don't do what they are supposed to do.
My mom called me a bit ago and grandpa asked her to stay with him tonight. She said his legs are starting to do what they did when it was really bad. His hands arent doing it yet she said. Now I'm all worried again. I just don't know. I just need someone or something to help me.
And that's what professionals are for. Hey who knows maybe after 3 years of not seeing a professional I'll be diagnosed with bipolar and i can become all inappropriate and stupid and blame it on a disease. Maybe they will diagnose me with schizaphenia. Hell maybe they will tell me Im normal and nothing is wrong with me.
I just know that if I don't get some kind of help, there is a distinct possibility that I will do something stupid. Not like what i described above, but you know like drink til i hurt myself, or just be plain stupid and pick a fight with the wrong person.
It's serious. I'm scared. I wish my friends could help me, but they can only do so much.
All this stress and anxiety has got to stop sometime. Things have got to get back to somewhat normal soon.
God I'm such a cry baby lol...well I guess I should be greatful I'm smart enough to not do anything and maybe the professionals can fix me so I can truly be the strong one and be there for everyone like always.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Yesterday, when noone told me they had lowered the sedation, I came out crying because grandpa was there! And people were like why did you think he wouldnt be blah blah lol.
Well today my cousin Mary Ellen came out crying....because he said her name. I grabbed her and gave her a real big hug and made a crack, yes i was joking, about see why i was like that yesterday.
Today I got there real early and when I went in my uncle was there and nurses. They were respiratory and a students(it wasnt horrible) and they were talking about getting dialysis going, and trying to wean him off the vent, and giving him meds.
One of the Dr's came in and said maybe in an hour we'll get the vent out.
(im leaving little things out so not to make this hugely long and keep me out of my bed lol)
Well the dialisys lady said they wouldnt take the vent off during the dialysis. The Dr came to talk to us and said they would be taking him off the vent and I told him what the DLady said and he went back and came back and said he's off!
Oooo I was soo glad that he came off the vent. Sometimes even though other treatment is working they don't come off the vent. I will be perfectly honest, I was preparing myself to have to vote for turning off the vent. That's how bad its been!
When we saw him first after the removal he wasn't real with it. Sedation, tired, procedures...who wouldn't be all there. Plus his throat was raw and all that good stuff. BUT he knew we were there. He was trying to say things. I told him don't worry about talking your throat is all goofy because you were on a tube.
He doesn't remember much, but he knew he was sick. He slept all day. We had moments where he was awake. And moments where we KNOW he was woke up when SHE was told not to wake him up! How do we know SHE (the girlfriend i bitch about even though he loves her) woke him up? Because I sat next to his bed QUIETLY for about 20 minutes before he woke up. My mom, my sister and I had a conversation in there QUIETLY and he didnt wake up. So Im sorry Im not buying him just happening to wake up! LET THE MAN REST we did, didnt want to but we did.
My cousin Jamie and wife Lori brought up dinner tonight..ooo it was nice to eat. But my body isnt happy with food today. I was fine until I put food in my body then my body rebelled. I havnt been eating but once a day and if my friend hadnt handed me the bottle of pop after she had a drink, i wouldnt have been drinking. Again its been bad.
Before I left though, the best thing happened. As i said i went back and sat quietly,watching wheel of fortune with Grandpa and then at 7 i turned it to his MMA fighting thats on spike. He woke up and looked at me. I told him hi and i had his tv shows on for him. He said he didnt think he wanted to watch them. I told him that was ok they were on if he wanted to. That time was when i told him he needed to squeeze his hand for the fluid. He said he would remember to squeeze it. I went back to the waiting room to tell them he was awake.
AND I DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT GOING OUT TO GET ONE OF THEM RIGHT AWAY. I DONT CARE THAT I HOGGED AWAKE REAL GRANDPA TIME!!! I WONT AND NOONE CAN MAKE ME! PFFFFT
So my cousins bring up supper and we are sitting there talking about the drama with my grandpas girlfriend. she dumped herself out of her wheelchair/walker and we were going on about her always wanting him to drive her, how her family....i looke up and their are her daughters lol oooooops lol. Well they went to see him and said he was awake. It was close to 8 and i needed to get home to Mae.
So I went back to see grandpa again. I stopped and talked to the nurse for a minute and looked over and grandpa was squeezing his hand. I went in and told grandpa i was going home for the night but i would be back in the morning. I told him i loved him and bent down for a kiss and he returned the kiss. Told me he loved me too and wanted me to kiss Mae or something and to be careful going home.
As my facebook says I AM FUCKING ELATED!!!!!!
Please please please let it just keep getting better! Even if we have to stay on dialysis so what! The only thing we want to go along with this is for his legs to not hurt so he an walk around!!!
Ooooo it was a good day...except for my belly/butt rebelling against the onslaught of food.
I appreciate all my online/offline friends soooo very much. Now I just have to wait til Mae gets up and see how bruised her face is from a tumble off the tire swing at the park lol god i love that girl, god i love my grandpa ......and I made a promise to my grandpa that when he gets out we will be going to church. It wont kill me, but it will take a bit of getting used to!
Well today my cousin Mary Ellen came out crying....because he said her name. I grabbed her and gave her a real big hug and made a crack, yes i was joking, about see why i was like that yesterday.
Today I got there real early and when I went in my uncle was there and nurses. They were respiratory and a students(it wasnt horrible) and they were talking about getting dialysis going, and trying to wean him off the vent, and giving him meds.
One of the Dr's came in and said maybe in an hour we'll get the vent out.
(im leaving little things out so not to make this hugely long and keep me out of my bed lol)
Well the dialisys lady said they wouldnt take the vent off during the dialysis. The Dr came to talk to us and said they would be taking him off the vent and I told him what the DLady said and he went back and came back and said he's off!
Oooo I was soo glad that he came off the vent. Sometimes even though other treatment is working they don't come off the vent. I will be perfectly honest, I was preparing myself to have to vote for turning off the vent. That's how bad its been!
When we saw him first after the removal he wasn't real with it. Sedation, tired, procedures...who wouldn't be all there. Plus his throat was raw and all that good stuff. BUT he knew we were there. He was trying to say things. I told him don't worry about talking your throat is all goofy because you were on a tube.
He doesn't remember much, but he knew he was sick. He slept all day. We had moments where he was awake. And moments where we KNOW he was woke up when SHE was told not to wake him up! How do we know SHE (the girlfriend i bitch about even though he loves her) woke him up? Because I sat next to his bed QUIETLY for about 20 minutes before he woke up. My mom, my sister and I had a conversation in there QUIETLY and he didnt wake up. So Im sorry Im not buying him just happening to wake up! LET THE MAN REST we did, didnt want to but we did.
My cousin Jamie and wife Lori brought up dinner tonight..ooo it was nice to eat. But my body isnt happy with food today. I was fine until I put food in my body then my body rebelled. I havnt been eating but once a day and if my friend hadnt handed me the bottle of pop after she had a drink, i wouldnt have been drinking. Again its been bad.
Before I left though, the best thing happened. As i said i went back and sat quietly,watching wheel of fortune with Grandpa and then at 7 i turned it to his MMA fighting thats on spike. He woke up and looked at me. I told him hi and i had his tv shows on for him. He said he didnt think he wanted to watch them. I told him that was ok they were on if he wanted to. That time was when i told him he needed to squeeze his hand for the fluid. He said he would remember to squeeze it. I went back to the waiting room to tell them he was awake.
AND I DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT GOING OUT TO GET ONE OF THEM RIGHT AWAY. I DONT CARE THAT I HOGGED AWAKE REAL GRANDPA TIME!!! I WONT AND NOONE CAN MAKE ME! PFFFFT
So my cousins bring up supper and we are sitting there talking about the drama with my grandpas girlfriend. she dumped herself out of her wheelchair/walker and we were going on about her always wanting him to drive her, how her family....i looke up and their are her daughters lol oooooops lol. Well they went to see him and said he was awake. It was close to 8 and i needed to get home to Mae.
So I went back to see grandpa again. I stopped and talked to the nurse for a minute and looked over and grandpa was squeezing his hand. I went in and told grandpa i was going home for the night but i would be back in the morning. I told him i loved him and bent down for a kiss and he returned the kiss. Told me he loved me too and wanted me to kiss Mae or something and to be careful going home.
As my facebook says I AM FUCKING ELATED!!!!!!
Please please please let it just keep getting better! Even if we have to stay on dialysis so what! The only thing we want to go along with this is for his legs to not hurt so he an walk around!!!
Ooooo it was a good day...except for my belly/butt rebelling against the onslaught of food.
I appreciate all my online/offline friends soooo very much. Now I just have to wait til Mae gets up and see how bruised her face is from a tumble off the tire swing at the park lol god i love that girl, god i love my grandpa ......and I made a promise to my grandpa that when he gets out we will be going to church. It wont kill me, but it will take a bit of getting used to!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Adventure through Hell
I'm at home right now waiting for my clothes to finish drying so I can get back to the hospital. I know Dawn I said I didn't feel like blogging, but like we talked about yesterday....I need to get it out and out and out lol.
As a lot know my grandpa is very very sick. He had a catheter put in yesterday so they could begin dialysis on him.
He has been in the hospital since Saturday morning. His condition has deteriorated very bad. He was coherent when we first got there, he was coherent til sometime Saturday after I left to go to work.
Then the creatinin(sp) levels, thats from your kidneys, started going up. It went up then went down some point of percent. Then yesterday we find out that it has gone to 5. For my grandpa this means kidney failure. We had two options die from the kidney failure that would lead to multisystem organ failure OR go to surgery to start dialysis.
My grandpa was not capable of making any decisions for himself. Hell he wasn't even there most of the time.
He was so full of poison that he wasn't sleeping(not sure if that was the poison or just being sick) and he was violently moving around. Think grand mal seizure type of moving around. SCARY! We(cousins, mom, me, my friends,) all trying to keep him in bed, all trying to keep his hands occupied so he wasn't picking things out, keeping them occupied so he wasn't just reaching and pointing at things.
For a while it helped(late saturday night) that we just held his hands, then Sunday we were still doing that but then late Sunday we had to give him things to hold and play with in his hands so he wouldnt throw all the covers off.
I apologize this will be all over the place.
Like I said before my friend Tammy was with me and my mom all night after we sent my cousin home because she didn't know if she could get work off. Not judging at all because we all have to work even when our family is in crisis sometimes. My work is taken care of for at least this and next week. Thank you Kimmi for doing that for me.
Well I got to have an hour of rest/sleep...i dont know what it was.
Sunday night though we arrived at the gates of Hell. I now know what a true form of hell is and I am not driving that bus or even showing my ticket for that ride!
(excuse the caps youll see why they are there)
WE DID NOT LEAVE MY GRANDPA ALONE FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THEM COMING IN TO HELP HIM POTTY AND FOR TESTS THAT WE COULDN'T BE IN THERE FOR!! AGAIN WE DID NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE FOR ANYTHING WE DIDN'T HAVE TO! WE DID NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!
The nurse had come in Sunday to take his vitals and the family all hustled out of the room. I mean the cousins and stuff who were there. My cousins wife Melissa and I were still there, why I dont know or care, but he had to go potty. So WE DID WHAT THEY TOLD US TO DO! We pushed the button for a nurse. We got a SRN...S is for Student!
She came in, we said we'd be right back. We had the good room. Nurses station 2 steps out the door to the right, public restroom 2 steps to the left. PRETTY FUCKING PERFECT ROOM! Down the hall about 10 steps is the waiting area they have divided into 4ths. 1/4 was the computer and dining tables, 2/4 was a partitioned area with some chairs, 3/4 was the tiny vending area and like a breakfast bar, 4/4 was the area that had a tv a small couch and some chairs. ALL WITHIN STEPS OF OUR ROOM!!
When we left for him to potty, I walked down to this area, remember STEPS AWAY! I played with the baby for a minute, talked to my neice for a minute, walked to the partitioned part and said something. Then went to see if he was done.
THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! This indicated to me, BECAUSE WE NEVER HAD THE DOOR SHUT BEFORE UNLESS HE WAS GETTING SOMETHING DONE, that he wasn't done. Take a quick turn and I went potty. I pee fast. Really like abnormally fast lol. I opened the door and his door was still shut.
I thought, well I'll just peek in and see. I FOUND HELL! Nobody EVER wants to go to hell like I did.
When I opened the door, SLOWLY because I didn't want to startle or disturb. I became the startled and disturbed.
I FOUND my grandpa laying on the floor with some puddles of blood around him. I FOUND MY GRANDPA LYING ON THE GODDAMNED FLOOR WITH HIS BLOOD AROUND HIM!!!!!!!!
I tried to pick him up, i was shaking so bad, i was trying not to lose it. I couldn't pick him up. I couldn't get him up, i had no strength. Our nurse was in the next room doing the vitals of that patient and I ran to her. I don't know if i was screaming at this point or not. I NEED HELP MY GRANDPA IS ON THE FLOOR HELP ME!!!!!!
Her and like 3 other nurses rushed in. I tried to help them. I tried to help my grandpa. I COULDNT DO IT. I was HELPLESS. I couldn't find the strength to help. I had to let them do it. Told them I can't help, they were soooo not upset lol cuz yea not my job theirs. As i was running out of the room i said...my mom is going to yell im sorry. Because well wouldnt you?
Mom told me this yesterday when I asked what I did(trust me I couldnt remember). She said I came running down the hall yelling grandpas on the floor hes on the floor!!!!
My mom took off running, my sister too. I ended up holding the baby and i was shaking so bad. So very bad that i was afraid Id drop the baby. I begged Melissa to take the baby, because thats all i could do. Anthony her husband had to tell me to talk lower so i wouldnt scare the kids, sorry i was freaked.
IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED. THAT BITCH LEFT MY GRANDPA ALONE. SHE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT HE WAS DONE. ALL GODDAMNED DAY WE NEVER LEFT HIM ALONE. NEVER NEVER NEVER!!! He has a fall risk bracelet on. They have procedures for fall risk people!!!!!!!!!!
I got back to the room when I had myself partly under control and they had him sitting in the chair, but to me it looked like he was still sliding out and noone was right in front of him. Obviously they were within an arms reach so if he slid they would get him. BUT NOWAY WAS I SEEING THIS!!! So i helped keep him in the chair, i talked to him, tried to make sure it was ok.
Head wounds bleed ALOT even if they are just scratches. He hit his head we think on a drawer handle. Well they went to take him to CT and YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS I WAS TROTTING ALONG WITH HIM. They told me i needed to leave the room for the ct because well i have to. They locked the door i couldnt get out. So i got to stand there while they did it and i saw his brain. I'm glad that i was locked in because I got to hear the Tech tell me with his 16 yrs experience he didn't see anything.
I'll be honest i trust the nurses and techs like that more than doctors. It turned out nothing was going on. THANK YOU LORD JESUS!
We got him back to his room and people started leaving. It was me, my mom, and Maryellen(my cousin) and we were fighting to keep him in bed, we were fighting his arms, we were trying to talk to him.
We got a few moments of funny during this time. Thank god or I think we would have hurt ourselves.
My friend came up after she left and I told her what id just been through. Got the lecture of next time tell me why your calling calling so i can just leave my walmart cart and come up! Yea i know i have great friends lol.
She helped all through the night, and I was able to get a lil sleep, my mom was able to as well. But it just got worse and worse.
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, sometime after the sun came up he was out. They said they didnt know if it was sleep or lack of oxygen. But it was a short time we didnt have to fight him.
Sorry I didn't get to the 2nd stage of hell. My friend had to leave at like 630 to go get her son up from school, thank god she literally lives across the street from the hospital. Mom and I were with grandpa and he was in the chair.
Fighting us the whole time. Finally my mom broke. What we had been dealing with, what we were in that moment dealing with. Him saying things. She broke.
Ever see terms of endearment where shes screaming to give her daughter the shot? We had a moment like that! I don't know what exactly my grandpa said but it sent my mom over the edge.
She wailed deep from her soul, she moaned deeper from her core, she screamed and cried. I lost it! I started crying and sobbing BEGGING my mother to please dont lose it, you cant lose it or Im going to lose it.
We both lost it completely 100% lost it. Luckily my mom had gotten us a hospitality room and I literally hugged/dragged her and my sobbing sorry asses to this room. Shaking while i tried to fit the key in the lock.
We cried and sobbed and called my dad and I guess i just went talk to mom and handed the phone off. I called Tammy who had been gone not even an hour and she came flying back up. I called Kimmi who came flying up and rearranged her schedule. My Girls took care of business. Tammy helped my mom, Kimmi took care of Mae, DJ took the day off. They rallied round the family!(yes, i stole that from RATM)
They took mom's blood pressure, they told us we had to rest. They did everything they could. Then Adventure 3 took place!
I finally laid down about 1230, but my friend Kenny had come up. So i visited with him for a half hour maybe. Took him to say hi to my gramps. He recognized all 3 of my friends in his moments of lucidity. I told him kenny was going to cut his grass for him. OOo that set gramps off lol. We told him no no no not today just later he would. Gramps was good with that.
So after all this stress and trauma they give us a sitter for the room. Yayyyy we don't have to worry! I can stop making side comments about now tell me the minute i need to come back and dont you leave til im here!
Yea what a fucking joke the sitter was!!!!!!!
Remember that we have been boosting him up on the bed cuz he slides down til his feet are at the end and pushing. My cousins boosted him without help, me and my cousins boosted him, the fucking nurses came in to help us boost him. NO BIG DEAL TO BOOST THIS MAN UP!!! NO BIG DEAL NO BIG DEAL YOU HEAR ME NO BIG DEAL!!! til the sitter came!
My sister and cousin MaryEllen were with him, I was sleeping, even though i didnt think iwas lol. And they asked for a boost for him because he had slid from the last boost. THE SITTER TOLD THEM WHY HE WILL JUST BE DOWN THERE IN ANOTHER 10 MINUTES ANYWAYS!!!!!!!
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BITCH! We want him boosted. My sister said well its 10 minutes hes comfortable! THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH! So the lazy ass bitch boosted him up. Ok remember i wasnt there because i was sleeping because i was sleep deprived like the rest of us. THEN later they tell us not only did she say that....SHE FUCKING FELL ASLEEP!!!!!!!! WHY DO YOU GET THE LUXURY OF FALLING THE FUCK ASLEEP AND WE DONT!!!!!!!
Mom came and got me as I was just getting ready to come back out of the room. It wasnt a restful sleep it was a sleep just for my body for a minute. I had washed my hair in the sink, did the whore bath and was talking to DJ before I went out. I had an alarm set. But mom came in and told me I had to go help. My sister couldnt do it anymore.
OMG it was fucking worse than ever! Now not only was he combative, not only was he violently moving, now he was verbally assaultive as well. My sister sat there crying through it all, I did what i do best. I yelled back at him. I told answered him like he was talking to me.
I told my sister, cousin, and nurses....Im sorry you have to hear me yelling at him, im just trying to blah blah blah. I guess I wasnt as bad as i thought because they all told me no no its ok. I just wanted to keep him with us. I wanted to keep him fighting. I wanted i wanted i wanted!!!
So now my clothes are done drying, Im going to take a shower, and get back up there. He already has had a bronchoscopy done. He doesn't have pneumonia he has a mild case of bronchitis. So now its up to the dialysis, its up to his heart, his mind, and the ability to come off the respirator!
I have some really good friends. Online and Offline!
As a lot know my grandpa is very very sick. He had a catheter put in yesterday so they could begin dialysis on him.
He has been in the hospital since Saturday morning. His condition has deteriorated very bad. He was coherent when we first got there, he was coherent til sometime Saturday after I left to go to work.
Then the creatinin(sp) levels, thats from your kidneys, started going up. It went up then went down some point of percent. Then yesterday we find out that it has gone to 5. For my grandpa this means kidney failure. We had two options die from the kidney failure that would lead to multisystem organ failure OR go to surgery to start dialysis.
My grandpa was not capable of making any decisions for himself. Hell he wasn't even there most of the time.
He was so full of poison that he wasn't sleeping(not sure if that was the poison or just being sick) and he was violently moving around. Think grand mal seizure type of moving around. SCARY! We(cousins, mom, me, my friends,) all trying to keep him in bed, all trying to keep his hands occupied so he wasn't picking things out, keeping them occupied so he wasn't just reaching and pointing at things.
For a while it helped(late saturday night) that we just held his hands, then Sunday we were still doing that but then late Sunday we had to give him things to hold and play with in his hands so he wouldnt throw all the covers off.
I apologize this will be all over the place.
Like I said before my friend Tammy was with me and my mom all night after we sent my cousin home because she didn't know if she could get work off. Not judging at all because we all have to work even when our family is in crisis sometimes. My work is taken care of for at least this and next week. Thank you Kimmi for doing that for me.
Well I got to have an hour of rest/sleep...i dont know what it was.
Sunday night though we arrived at the gates of Hell. I now know what a true form of hell is and I am not driving that bus or even showing my ticket for that ride!
(excuse the caps youll see why they are there)
WE DID NOT LEAVE MY GRANDPA ALONE FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THEM COMING IN TO HELP HIM POTTY AND FOR TESTS THAT WE COULDN'T BE IN THERE FOR!! AGAIN WE DID NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE FOR ANYTHING WE DIDN'T HAVE TO! WE DID NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!
The nurse had come in Sunday to take his vitals and the family all hustled out of the room. I mean the cousins and stuff who were there. My cousins wife Melissa and I were still there, why I dont know or care, but he had to go potty. So WE DID WHAT THEY TOLD US TO DO! We pushed the button for a nurse. We got a SRN...S is for Student!
She came in, we said we'd be right back. We had the good room. Nurses station 2 steps out the door to the right, public restroom 2 steps to the left. PRETTY FUCKING PERFECT ROOM! Down the hall about 10 steps is the waiting area they have divided into 4ths. 1/4 was the computer and dining tables, 2/4 was a partitioned area with some chairs, 3/4 was the tiny vending area and like a breakfast bar, 4/4 was the area that had a tv a small couch and some chairs. ALL WITHIN STEPS OF OUR ROOM!!
When we left for him to potty, I walked down to this area, remember STEPS AWAY! I played with the baby for a minute, talked to my neice for a minute, walked to the partitioned part and said something. Then went to see if he was done.
THE DOOR WAS CLOSED! This indicated to me, BECAUSE WE NEVER HAD THE DOOR SHUT BEFORE UNLESS HE WAS GETTING SOMETHING DONE, that he wasn't done. Take a quick turn and I went potty. I pee fast. Really like abnormally fast lol. I opened the door and his door was still shut.
I thought, well I'll just peek in and see. I FOUND HELL! Nobody EVER wants to go to hell like I did.
When I opened the door, SLOWLY because I didn't want to startle or disturb. I became the startled and disturbed.
I FOUND my grandpa laying on the floor with some puddles of blood around him. I FOUND MY GRANDPA LYING ON THE GODDAMNED FLOOR WITH HIS BLOOD AROUND HIM!!!!!!!!
I tried to pick him up, i was shaking so bad, i was trying not to lose it. I couldn't pick him up. I couldn't get him up, i had no strength. Our nurse was in the next room doing the vitals of that patient and I ran to her. I don't know if i was screaming at this point or not. I NEED HELP MY GRANDPA IS ON THE FLOOR HELP ME!!!!!!
Her and like 3 other nurses rushed in. I tried to help them. I tried to help my grandpa. I COULDNT DO IT. I was HELPLESS. I couldn't find the strength to help. I had to let them do it. Told them I can't help, they were soooo not upset lol cuz yea not my job theirs. As i was running out of the room i said...my mom is going to yell im sorry. Because well wouldnt you?
Mom told me this yesterday when I asked what I did(trust me I couldnt remember). She said I came running down the hall yelling grandpas on the floor hes on the floor!!!!
My mom took off running, my sister too. I ended up holding the baby and i was shaking so bad. So very bad that i was afraid Id drop the baby. I begged Melissa to take the baby, because thats all i could do. Anthony her husband had to tell me to talk lower so i wouldnt scare the kids, sorry i was freaked.
IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED. THAT BITCH LEFT MY GRANDPA ALONE. SHE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT HE WAS DONE. ALL GODDAMNED DAY WE NEVER LEFT HIM ALONE. NEVER NEVER NEVER!!! He has a fall risk bracelet on. They have procedures for fall risk people!!!!!!!!!!
I got back to the room when I had myself partly under control and they had him sitting in the chair, but to me it looked like he was still sliding out and noone was right in front of him. Obviously they were within an arms reach so if he slid they would get him. BUT NOWAY WAS I SEEING THIS!!! So i helped keep him in the chair, i talked to him, tried to make sure it was ok.
Head wounds bleed ALOT even if they are just scratches. He hit his head we think on a drawer handle. Well they went to take him to CT and YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS I WAS TROTTING ALONG WITH HIM. They told me i needed to leave the room for the ct because well i have to. They locked the door i couldnt get out. So i got to stand there while they did it and i saw his brain. I'm glad that i was locked in because I got to hear the Tech tell me with his 16 yrs experience he didn't see anything.
I'll be honest i trust the nurses and techs like that more than doctors. It turned out nothing was going on. THANK YOU LORD JESUS!
We got him back to his room and people started leaving. It was me, my mom, and Maryellen(my cousin) and we were fighting to keep him in bed, we were fighting his arms, we were trying to talk to him.
We got a few moments of funny during this time. Thank god or I think we would have hurt ourselves.
My friend came up after she left and I told her what id just been through. Got the lecture of next time tell me why your calling calling so i can just leave my walmart cart and come up! Yea i know i have great friends lol.
She helped all through the night, and I was able to get a lil sleep, my mom was able to as well. But it just got worse and worse.
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, sometime after the sun came up he was out. They said they didnt know if it was sleep or lack of oxygen. But it was a short time we didnt have to fight him.
Sorry I didn't get to the 2nd stage of hell. My friend had to leave at like 630 to go get her son up from school, thank god she literally lives across the street from the hospital. Mom and I were with grandpa and he was in the chair.
Fighting us the whole time. Finally my mom broke. What we had been dealing with, what we were in that moment dealing with. Him saying things. She broke.
Ever see terms of endearment where shes screaming to give her daughter the shot? We had a moment like that! I don't know what exactly my grandpa said but it sent my mom over the edge.
She wailed deep from her soul, she moaned deeper from her core, she screamed and cried. I lost it! I started crying and sobbing BEGGING my mother to please dont lose it, you cant lose it or Im going to lose it.
We both lost it completely 100% lost it. Luckily my mom had gotten us a hospitality room and I literally hugged/dragged her and my sobbing sorry asses to this room. Shaking while i tried to fit the key in the lock.
We cried and sobbed and called my dad and I guess i just went talk to mom and handed the phone off. I called Tammy who had been gone not even an hour and she came flying back up. I called Kimmi who came flying up and rearranged her schedule. My Girls took care of business. Tammy helped my mom, Kimmi took care of Mae, DJ took the day off. They rallied round the family!(yes, i stole that from RATM)
They took mom's blood pressure, they told us we had to rest. They did everything they could. Then Adventure 3 took place!
I finally laid down about 1230, but my friend Kenny had come up. So i visited with him for a half hour maybe. Took him to say hi to my gramps. He recognized all 3 of my friends in his moments of lucidity. I told him kenny was going to cut his grass for him. OOo that set gramps off lol. We told him no no no not today just later he would. Gramps was good with that.
So after all this stress and trauma they give us a sitter for the room. Yayyyy we don't have to worry! I can stop making side comments about now tell me the minute i need to come back and dont you leave til im here!
Yea what a fucking joke the sitter was!!!!!!!
Remember that we have been boosting him up on the bed cuz he slides down til his feet are at the end and pushing. My cousins boosted him without help, me and my cousins boosted him, the fucking nurses came in to help us boost him. NO BIG DEAL TO BOOST THIS MAN UP!!! NO BIG DEAL NO BIG DEAL YOU HEAR ME NO BIG DEAL!!! til the sitter came!
My sister and cousin MaryEllen were with him, I was sleeping, even though i didnt think iwas lol. And they asked for a boost for him because he had slid from the last boost. THE SITTER TOLD THEM WHY HE WILL JUST BE DOWN THERE IN ANOTHER 10 MINUTES ANYWAYS!!!!!!!
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BITCH! We want him boosted. My sister said well its 10 minutes hes comfortable! THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH! So the lazy ass bitch boosted him up. Ok remember i wasnt there because i was sleeping because i was sleep deprived like the rest of us. THEN later they tell us not only did she say that....SHE FUCKING FELL ASLEEP!!!!!!!! WHY DO YOU GET THE LUXURY OF FALLING THE FUCK ASLEEP AND WE DONT!!!!!!!
Mom came and got me as I was just getting ready to come back out of the room. It wasnt a restful sleep it was a sleep just for my body for a minute. I had washed my hair in the sink, did the whore bath and was talking to DJ before I went out. I had an alarm set. But mom came in and told me I had to go help. My sister couldnt do it anymore.
OMG it was fucking worse than ever! Now not only was he combative, not only was he violently moving, now he was verbally assaultive as well. My sister sat there crying through it all, I did what i do best. I yelled back at him. I told answered him like he was talking to me.
I told my sister, cousin, and nurses....Im sorry you have to hear me yelling at him, im just trying to blah blah blah. I guess I wasnt as bad as i thought because they all told me no no its ok. I just wanted to keep him with us. I wanted to keep him fighting. I wanted i wanted i wanted!!!
So now my clothes are done drying, Im going to take a shower, and get back up there. He already has had a bronchoscopy done. He doesn't have pneumonia he has a mild case of bronchitis. So now its up to the dialysis, its up to his heart, his mind, and the ability to come off the respirator!
I have some really good friends. Online and Offline!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Yesterday, and today I'm betting, sucked major ASS!!! My day started somewhere between 3 and 330 am. It involved chocolate and spankings. Usually two of my personal favorite things lol. Well yesteday they were my two most unfavorite things!
Mae decided that she needed to be up and into the drawer that had the reeses' peanut butter cups. I heard something and I don't know what I heard but I heard it lol and the result was Mae got a spanking and had to stay in her room til it was time for swimming lessons. Yes, when she decided that 6 was the good time to watch tv, I put her ass in her room! She was naughty no treat! The only treat she was getting was her swimming lessons and her dads house. That's what we do on Saturdays.
How I wish that was how the day had gone.
I didn't get back to sleep until 6 am. That whole time I listened to Mae babble and Grandpa.
His restless leg syndrome has been off the charts since he has come home from the first hospital stay. He jerks so bad his whole body moves. It's like watching a person with parkinsons. Not fun. We don't know if it hurts him, but it does stop a full nights sleep.
He also has been complaining of his legs hurting and not being able to get around real well. That was proved Thursday night when he fell in his room. He was just trying to throw something on the bed and fell backwards. Very Very Scary! I happened to be in the bathroom and mid pulldown I was pulling back up and running to his room. His room is about 3 steps from the bathroom so it wasn't a big run lol.
Anyways, back to yesterday. So I was listening to grandpa talk in his sleep, make all kinds of noises, cough...just about whatever you could think of. HOWEVER what I didn't know was that at some point between the time he went to bed and the time he got up....he took 3 nitros and had chest pain after the 3 nitros and it lasted about an hour AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME OR PUSH THE DAMN LIFELINE BUTTON!!! Oh it gets much much better!
I was getting RyderMae ready for her swim lessons and grandpa still wasn't awake yet. He ended up waking up right before we left, WHICH IS A FUCKING GREAT THING!!!
He's been really out of breath the last day or so. Thursday was when I noticed the start of having more difficulty breathing. He had cardiac rehab friday and i mentioned to them what was going on. But everything was fine they said. The nurses who come out here said he was fine. The machine said he was fine. He's not fine!
Before we left I , obviously, checked in on grandpa and found out something much more FUN! He had been coughing up blood during the night/'early morning. I didn't turn the light on right away so all I could see in the garbage can was the bloody coughed up stuff. But it didn't look bad at first, again lights off, so I called my mom to have her talk to him. That's when we found out about the damn chest pain and such. Yea we worry, Yea we were a bit ticked he didn't do what he was supposed to, but we love him.
I turned the light on after giving him the phone so I could get a better look at the basket. I took the phone from grandpa mid sentence and told my mom that I was taking him to the ER. The blood he was coughing up was not that old brown stuff you get sometimes. It was still bright red, not light pink, but red. Red is not good. Red means fresh blood. Red means ER!
Mom must have driven a 130 to get her, it seemed like she was here real quick. So Mae missed her lesson and we took him to the ER.
They did a chest xray and a no contrast CT. This is where it really sucks! He either has pneumonia or blood in his lungs...they couldn't tell because they look the same. But they dosed him with antibiotics and admitted him.
Obviously I can't recall everything, I just know that I came back from dropping Mae off and mom told me that the pneumonia diagnosis is what brought grandpa down. The doctor told him he could fight it and it wasnt a death sentence just because hes old.
I had to work yesterday. I half assed tried to get someone to work for me, but 1. i really need the money and 2. i really didn't want to be at the hospital all that time just worrying.
I AM SO GLAD I WAS AT WORK! Until...
I checked my phone. There was a voicemail from my mom. It freaked me the fuck out. I mean freaked me out and from then on out I was losing my mind because 10 pm closing couldn't come fast enough.
My mom was crying on the voicemail. The last time I never got any kind of message with her crying. We didn't do a whole lot of crying the last time. This time i get the voicemail. Grandpa had gotten up to go to the potty and something happened with his strenght and breathing on that trip that sent even my cousin basically running from the room.
I lost it at work! Not real bad, but still I lost it. I was putting my gloves on to help a customer and I just had to turn around and hit the store room and take a lot of deep breaths to get me back to coherent. I called mom and told her she can't cry with me right now, I can't lose it at work. Before I left for work I asked grandpa if he wanted me to come back up after i got off work. He said no to go on home. Mom's message said i should come back.
I got back up there and the first people i see are another cousin of mine and her man trying to work the stupid vending machine. She told me how it was scary and I could see on her face it wasn't real fun.
I got into the room and Maaaaaaaaaaan....he looked real bad, he was still coughing up blood, he was still looped out of his head, AND he had now started wheezing!!! So it looks like it is pneumonia.
Mom and I sat out in the hall while he used the bathroom and I told her how mad I am, how scared I am, how I prayed to god that he would give me back my grandpa and how i was a bit pissed that he isn't doing as well as he should.
He doesn't want to die! My mom asked, he told her he doesn't. So maybe that means there is fight left.
Today my sister and her brood are coming up. That should be wonderful. I'm going to get a shower and hopefully the kids dad saw the messanger status and has her all bathed for me. She has to go up and see grandpa. That will definitly make him feel better.
He has been real disoriented lately and like will ghost feed himself, be searching for change,(all while dozing or sleeping),and then you hear him talking to someone. Usually its his mom or Mae. He loves that little girl! So I'm going to make sure he and her and I get to be with him as much as we can. I don't think the hospital scares her because she always wants to go. So today she will get to go back up and we will see how it goes!
I'm hoping that it works out.
My friend Kimmi yesterday was a freaking lifesaver! I can never repay her enough. Ok so when she moves lol I'll be helping my ass off lol but honestly she has done so much for us in one day. Mae was getting her bed delivered yesterday and with the ER we didn't have anyone to be here for the delivery. We have been trying to get a bed for months lol. So I called my friend and I was like blah blah blah....she was like...come over after you drop Mae. She lives about 3 blocks from the ex lol.
I hung out with her and talked for a minute and she was coming to my house to wait for the bed and to tell them where to put it. Totally disrupting her day and I appreciate that!
Last night after I left the hospital my friend Brigitte called. I stopped at her house for a smoke. Oh yea did I mention that I quit smoking lol. So my two friends who I swore them to not let me smoke lol, chose the wise option of letting me have some nicotine lol. I was at Brigittes till almost 2 am. I needed to relax and decompress and have some girl time.
On the way home, I lost it! I was crying and singing along, badly, to the radio. A song I love and usually not one of my crying songs had me just going off. I had gotten myself under control by the time i pulled into my drive. I was thinking about putting on my facebook how great my two girlfriends are, or something like that. AND THEN I LOST IT AGAIN!
When you walk into my house, you walk into the kitchen. Well on the kitchen counter was a dozen white/pink roses and a bouquet of Dandelions and a note! When I first saw them I was confused. I was like who brought grandpa flowers. Oh kimmi must have let them in.
When I got to them, which is all of 2 steps lol, there was a very very beautiful note from my friend. She had given me the roses and her daughter had given me the dandelions. I lost it AGAIN! I called my friend i had just left and freaked her out lol. No warning on a phone call and my gramps in the hospital lol. Told her i was sorry and shared that I had gotten something real good.
All the while Im trying to hold it together. Yea not so much lol. Then this morning I go into the living room and my friend had also straightned it up for me. OMG I sooo owe her my 2nd born!
So here in a bit I'm going to shower and get ready for my day at the hospital. Hopefully the kids dad won't be mean and not let me bring her back later today if I need to. She can do the hospital for a bit but not forever.
So there's the skinny on our new trip to the hospital. I think that's going to have to do it for me. Cuz I just don't know!
Mae decided that she needed to be up and into the drawer that had the reeses' peanut butter cups. I heard something and I don't know what I heard but I heard it lol and the result was Mae got a spanking and had to stay in her room til it was time for swimming lessons. Yes, when she decided that 6 was the good time to watch tv, I put her ass in her room! She was naughty no treat! The only treat she was getting was her swimming lessons and her dads house. That's what we do on Saturdays.
How I wish that was how the day had gone.
I didn't get back to sleep until 6 am. That whole time I listened to Mae babble and Grandpa.
His restless leg syndrome has been off the charts since he has come home from the first hospital stay. He jerks so bad his whole body moves. It's like watching a person with parkinsons. Not fun. We don't know if it hurts him, but it does stop a full nights sleep.
He also has been complaining of his legs hurting and not being able to get around real well. That was proved Thursday night when he fell in his room. He was just trying to throw something on the bed and fell backwards. Very Very Scary! I happened to be in the bathroom and mid pulldown I was pulling back up and running to his room. His room is about 3 steps from the bathroom so it wasn't a big run lol.
Anyways, back to yesterday. So I was listening to grandpa talk in his sleep, make all kinds of noises, cough...just about whatever you could think of. HOWEVER what I didn't know was that at some point between the time he went to bed and the time he got up....he took 3 nitros and had chest pain after the 3 nitros and it lasted about an hour AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME OR PUSH THE DAMN LIFELINE BUTTON!!! Oh it gets much much better!
I was getting RyderMae ready for her swim lessons and grandpa still wasn't awake yet. He ended up waking up right before we left, WHICH IS A FUCKING GREAT THING!!!
He's been really out of breath the last day or so. Thursday was when I noticed the start of having more difficulty breathing. He had cardiac rehab friday and i mentioned to them what was going on. But everything was fine they said. The nurses who come out here said he was fine. The machine said he was fine. He's not fine!
Before we left I , obviously, checked in on grandpa and found out something much more FUN! He had been coughing up blood during the night/'early morning. I didn't turn the light on right away so all I could see in the garbage can was the bloody coughed up stuff. But it didn't look bad at first, again lights off, so I called my mom to have her talk to him. That's when we found out about the damn chest pain and such. Yea we worry, Yea we were a bit ticked he didn't do what he was supposed to, but we love him.
I turned the light on after giving him the phone so I could get a better look at the basket. I took the phone from grandpa mid sentence and told my mom that I was taking him to the ER. The blood he was coughing up was not that old brown stuff you get sometimes. It was still bright red, not light pink, but red. Red is not good. Red means fresh blood. Red means ER!
Mom must have driven a 130 to get her, it seemed like she was here real quick. So Mae missed her lesson and we took him to the ER.
They did a chest xray and a no contrast CT. This is where it really sucks! He either has pneumonia or blood in his lungs...they couldn't tell because they look the same. But they dosed him with antibiotics and admitted him.
Obviously I can't recall everything, I just know that I came back from dropping Mae off and mom told me that the pneumonia diagnosis is what brought grandpa down. The doctor told him he could fight it and it wasnt a death sentence just because hes old.
I had to work yesterday. I half assed tried to get someone to work for me, but 1. i really need the money and 2. i really didn't want to be at the hospital all that time just worrying.
I AM SO GLAD I WAS AT WORK! Until...
I checked my phone. There was a voicemail from my mom. It freaked me the fuck out. I mean freaked me out and from then on out I was losing my mind because 10 pm closing couldn't come fast enough.
My mom was crying on the voicemail. The last time I never got any kind of message with her crying. We didn't do a whole lot of crying the last time. This time i get the voicemail. Grandpa had gotten up to go to the potty and something happened with his strenght and breathing on that trip that sent even my cousin basically running from the room.
I lost it at work! Not real bad, but still I lost it. I was putting my gloves on to help a customer and I just had to turn around and hit the store room and take a lot of deep breaths to get me back to coherent. I called mom and told her she can't cry with me right now, I can't lose it at work. Before I left for work I asked grandpa if he wanted me to come back up after i got off work. He said no to go on home. Mom's message said i should come back.
I got back up there and the first people i see are another cousin of mine and her man trying to work the stupid vending machine. She told me how it was scary and I could see on her face it wasn't real fun.
I got into the room and Maaaaaaaaaaan....he looked real bad, he was still coughing up blood, he was still looped out of his head, AND he had now started wheezing!!! So it looks like it is pneumonia.
Mom and I sat out in the hall while he used the bathroom and I told her how mad I am, how scared I am, how I prayed to god that he would give me back my grandpa and how i was a bit pissed that he isn't doing as well as he should.
He doesn't want to die! My mom asked, he told her he doesn't. So maybe that means there is fight left.
Today my sister and her brood are coming up. That should be wonderful. I'm going to get a shower and hopefully the kids dad saw the messanger status and has her all bathed for me. She has to go up and see grandpa. That will definitly make him feel better.
He has been real disoriented lately and like will ghost feed himself, be searching for change,(all while dozing or sleeping),and then you hear him talking to someone. Usually its his mom or Mae. He loves that little girl! So I'm going to make sure he and her and I get to be with him as much as we can. I don't think the hospital scares her because she always wants to go. So today she will get to go back up and we will see how it goes!
I'm hoping that it works out.
My friend Kimmi yesterday was a freaking lifesaver! I can never repay her enough. Ok so when she moves lol I'll be helping my ass off lol but honestly she has done so much for us in one day. Mae was getting her bed delivered yesterday and with the ER we didn't have anyone to be here for the delivery. We have been trying to get a bed for months lol. So I called my friend and I was like blah blah blah....she was like...come over after you drop Mae. She lives about 3 blocks from the ex lol.
I hung out with her and talked for a minute and she was coming to my house to wait for the bed and to tell them where to put it. Totally disrupting her day and I appreciate that!
Last night after I left the hospital my friend Brigitte called. I stopped at her house for a smoke. Oh yea did I mention that I quit smoking lol. So my two friends who I swore them to not let me smoke lol, chose the wise option of letting me have some nicotine lol. I was at Brigittes till almost 2 am. I needed to relax and decompress and have some girl time.
On the way home, I lost it! I was crying and singing along, badly, to the radio. A song I love and usually not one of my crying songs had me just going off. I had gotten myself under control by the time i pulled into my drive. I was thinking about putting on my facebook how great my two girlfriends are, or something like that. AND THEN I LOST IT AGAIN!
When you walk into my house, you walk into the kitchen. Well on the kitchen counter was a dozen white/pink roses and a bouquet of Dandelions and a note! When I first saw them I was confused. I was like who brought grandpa flowers. Oh kimmi must have let them in.
When I got to them, which is all of 2 steps lol, there was a very very beautiful note from my friend. She had given me the roses and her daughter had given me the dandelions. I lost it AGAIN! I called my friend i had just left and freaked her out lol. No warning on a phone call and my gramps in the hospital lol. Told her i was sorry and shared that I had gotten something real good.
All the while Im trying to hold it together. Yea not so much lol. Then this morning I go into the living room and my friend had also straightned it up for me. OMG I sooo owe her my 2nd born!
So here in a bit I'm going to shower and get ready for my day at the hospital. Hopefully the kids dad won't be mean and not let me bring her back later today if I need to. She can do the hospital for a bit but not forever.
So there's the skinny on our new trip to the hospital. I think that's going to have to do it for me. Cuz I just don't know!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
What a loooong strange trip it's been! That's about how I feel right now. So this was going to be my diarreah blog, but things change in an instant. Now instead of taking Mae to her swim lessons we are headed back to the ER.
I'm sure they will say I was overreacting but Grandpa had a bad night. I didn't know til 2 minutes ago that he was coughing up blood. What's in the garbage can right now doesn't look to me like the little bit of blood you might get from coughing real hard and then spitting. Unless of course it's like that because he's been doing it for like 5 hours.
So here we go again, let's just hope that I'm overreacting because I don't think I can handle anything else.
I'm sure they will say I was overreacting but Grandpa had a bad night. I didn't know til 2 minutes ago that he was coughing up blood. What's in the garbage can right now doesn't look to me like the little bit of blood you might get from coughing real hard and then spitting. Unless of course it's like that because he's been doing it for like 5 hours.
So here we go again, let's just hope that I'm overreacting because I don't think I can handle anything else.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
My life if falling apart right now. It sucks ass but it happens and this time, I'm done building bridges and getting over it.
I've made the hard decision to leave Katie alone. I will not call, text, write, or send her anything. I will not buy her things, I will not ask her to visit. Ryder and I are now her Aunt and cousin. That's the way the MO family wants it, well now they have it. I'm just done!
I need to move out of here and just let my mom take care of my grandpa. I am the reason his house is so filthy nasty dirty and I am the reason for his depression. Funny thing about the house though, if you take our clothes out of the house, and Ryder's toys out of the living room....everything that is left is Grandpa's mess. It is his stuff that is overflowing from rooms. But that's ok because it's my fault.
I also have realized that I have some sort of mental illness that I never knew about. One that makes me delusional to the point of hearing words that people say they never said and saying things that they say I never said, though i clearly opened my mouth and spoke. But i guess that is just the nature of the disease I seem to have acquired over night. My mom says she didn't say it but I heard it!
I told her we weren't coming for Easter so I could get a break from caregiving. She said You didn't do anything last week he was in the hospital. Um ok I did nothing. I didn't sit there, I didn't drive back n forth, I didn't rearrange my work schedule, I didn't lose any money. Oh wait...mom says she didn't say that and I'm making it up. Sorry there's that pesky disease.
So fine fuck you, I'm done, I'm out, Just give me time to either live with the kid's dad or a job and on my own. Either way I'm done. Oh yea and now my mom doesn't feel comfortable with me being with grandpa.
Wow! Ok fine, fuck you again. You do it all, You rearrange your life, You take time off from your job, You fit him into your schedule. She could have stayed in town all week, but no! She went home at 6 oclock on the dot every night, except Saturday and that's when we played.
Even Katie got in on this newly acquired mental illness. I sat at the table with the new pill bottle and said I don't know how you want me to do this one and then it was something said. And I was like fine you do it. Then of course when I said I tried to ask you, mom and Katie both said you didn't say anything. OMG seriously..then why did I open my mouth and words come out??
Again I'm done! I tried 3 different times telling mom how the pills were done. She didn't get it, wouldn't get it, and fuck it...I'm done trying to explain to you. You do all the shit!
I am done with everyone but Ryder in this family! I am over them, I am sick of them, and I am tired of everything I say or do being turned into something else. If I was angry I would say so. But when you tell me your just pissed off and I tell you no I'm not, maybe you should believe what I'm telling you.
Oh wait I'm sorry I forgot I am not allowed to have my own pattern of thought process. So by me going I'm not coming this weekend Mae can go to her dads....I was angry...but what I didn't say was what all else was in my head....Mae goes to her dads, I get 2 days off from her and grandpa..I need the break...yes this is good...Nope because I didn't clarify my exact position I'm once again the horrible evil person.
I'm done, I can't keep being hurt. And if I have to live with my ex, who will drive me bat shit crazy, well then I guess that's what I'll have to do. Do I want to live with my ex, hell no. But is it better than the alternative of being with my family who I find toxic at best? Unfortunatly yes!
Ohhh but with all this going on...I did the right thing today. I did not take the car ride that would lead to naughty kinky things! I could have, but I decided my self worth and self healing were much more important. Oh well maybe I'll get invited another time.
I've made the hard decision to leave Katie alone. I will not call, text, write, or send her anything. I will not buy her things, I will not ask her to visit. Ryder and I are now her Aunt and cousin. That's the way the MO family wants it, well now they have it. I'm just done!
I need to move out of here and just let my mom take care of my grandpa. I am the reason his house is so filthy nasty dirty and I am the reason for his depression. Funny thing about the house though, if you take our clothes out of the house, and Ryder's toys out of the living room....everything that is left is Grandpa's mess. It is his stuff that is overflowing from rooms. But that's ok because it's my fault.
I also have realized that I have some sort of mental illness that I never knew about. One that makes me delusional to the point of hearing words that people say they never said and saying things that they say I never said, though i clearly opened my mouth and spoke. But i guess that is just the nature of the disease I seem to have acquired over night. My mom says she didn't say it but I heard it!
I told her we weren't coming for Easter so I could get a break from caregiving. She said You didn't do anything last week he was in the hospital. Um ok I did nothing. I didn't sit there, I didn't drive back n forth, I didn't rearrange my work schedule, I didn't lose any money. Oh wait...mom says she didn't say that and I'm making it up. Sorry there's that pesky disease.
So fine fuck you, I'm done, I'm out, Just give me time to either live with the kid's dad or a job and on my own. Either way I'm done. Oh yea and now my mom doesn't feel comfortable with me being with grandpa.
Wow! Ok fine, fuck you again. You do it all, You rearrange your life, You take time off from your job, You fit him into your schedule. She could have stayed in town all week, but no! She went home at 6 oclock on the dot every night, except Saturday and that's when we played.
Even Katie got in on this newly acquired mental illness. I sat at the table with the new pill bottle and said I don't know how you want me to do this one and then it was something said. And I was like fine you do it. Then of course when I said I tried to ask you, mom and Katie both said you didn't say anything. OMG seriously..then why did I open my mouth and words come out??
Again I'm done! I tried 3 different times telling mom how the pills were done. She didn't get it, wouldn't get it, and fuck it...I'm done trying to explain to you. You do all the shit!
I am done with everyone but Ryder in this family! I am over them, I am sick of them, and I am tired of everything I say or do being turned into something else. If I was angry I would say so. But when you tell me your just pissed off and I tell you no I'm not, maybe you should believe what I'm telling you.
Oh wait I'm sorry I forgot I am not allowed to have my own pattern of thought process. So by me going I'm not coming this weekend Mae can go to her dads....I was angry...but what I didn't say was what all else was in my head....Mae goes to her dads, I get 2 days off from her and grandpa..I need the break...yes this is good...Nope because I didn't clarify my exact position I'm once again the horrible evil person.
I'm done, I can't keep being hurt. And if I have to live with my ex, who will drive me bat shit crazy, well then I guess that's what I'll have to do. Do I want to live with my ex, hell no. But is it better than the alternative of being with my family who I find toxic at best? Unfortunatly yes!
Ohhh but with all this going on...I did the right thing today. I did not take the car ride that would lead to naughty kinky things! I could have, but I decided my self worth and self healing were much more important. Oh well maybe I'll get invited another time.
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