OoOoOoOoOoOoOhhhhhh my tummy hurts just thinking about it. It's Halloween. The time of year that adults get to eat all kinds of good chocolate without having to buy it. The time of year where kids all over the country are going I swear to gaawwd that I had (insert name of good candy here) when I went to bed last night, what happened to it? As parents all over wipe their mouth a lil more, tuck in the wrapper behind them on the chair and just smile and say I dunno lol.

Mae will end up with 3 bags of candy this year. I'm taking her to a church down the roads trunk or treat and then tomorrow night is trick or treating. Tonight we brought home a little goody bag from a party we went to.

My cousin and his family moved 2 months ago and they had their housewarming/halloween party tonight. WE HAD A BLAST! His wife had bought these halloween stickers and blank bags at hobby lobby for 40% off and we decorated bags. She sent them home with a goody bag of candy, pencils, suckers, and a cup. I know there are snickers in that bag lol I swear I think she made them up for the adults.

It was a nice time, though it was work. When I was a child, and I mean like Mae's age, just a little older I saw my cousin all the time. His grandma used to babysit me. But after we got older we only saw each other at family stuff. Now as adults you have to work to have a relationship. Facebook is a wonderful thing for helping relationships. Though we know it works the other way too. But I don't know his wife, or even his kids. I know who they are, I can look at a picture and tell you who it is, but I don't know them. So I had to make an effort to talk to his wife and my cousins daughter in law. All people who I like and are very pleasant, but its still work to try to engage people when you dont really know each other than to say hey this is my family.

BUT i had a good time, it was worth the effort, and I got to talk to my Aunt and let her know that I'll be going to church tomorrow. Ive been out of town the last 3 weeks and havn't gone. And I left her a message letting her know that i wasnt going to be able to go til this weekend and good thing i said something because she thought i was going out tonight. LOL i wish i was out and about but truth is...the no alcohol party was not a bad thing.

Anyways....happy halloween, i'm off to raid the candy!

Let me direct you to take a second look at my new profile picture. I may not have updated my background and made it all pretty, but I did get off my butt and get a new picture.

It's Halloween time again. The wind has picked up, the cold has set in, the snow is trying to fly. And little kids from all over town will be banging on doors for candy, being scared silly at some of the houses, and we will be freezing silently pleading with them to be done after 3 houses lol.

Mae loves all those trinkets you can get at the holidays. You know the silly headbands, the rabbit ears, the reindeer nose, and of course the funny glasses. Yesterday at my friends house she put those on and I just had to take a picture!

If that picture doesn't make your day any better I don't know what will. We got her school pictures back yesterday. Next year I'll be getting just the first pose lol. The pose I got this year is really really close up of her face. BUT I was smart I bought the dumbed down package that had the cd in it! That way I can make pictures anytime I want. Probably a little waste of money, but you never know!

And it's way early in Iowa right now. I've been up for an hour with heartburn. I forgot to turn the kitchen light off last night and that didn't help. I have to make a cover for my modem because the lights on it are very very bright lol. I got a new modem when we upgraded cable and this one the lights are just a lot on the bright side. So I've choked down a few tums and have been sitting here waiting to be able to lay back down lol. Heartburn sucks and at 5 am it really sucks!

With the day starting out like this...the rest of it has to be better lol.

Todays blog is brought to you by schizophrenia and bi polar disorder! Did you know that bipolar disorder kills? I didn't know that until a couple days ago. Yup something like a 1/4 of the people with it will die because of it or some disorder that it caused!

I know this because one of my very good friends started out as bipolar and has now also been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I am so greatful that it isn't happening to me. Though in a way it is.

I ride that ride because I'm close to my friend. And let me tell you that isn't the prettiest of rides at times.

On top of all that my friend has other medical conditions. Her life is spiraling out of control at the moment and I wish it could all be blamed on the mental parts of it.

Soooo while I'm dealing with a friend who has issues, I'm having my own issues. So far this month I have had one anxiety attack, a panic attack, and a half assed attempt at a second anxiety attack.

The first one was on the 5 month anniversary of Grandpa's death. Of course it happens when I'm driving and my anxiety medication is in the trunk of the car. It also happens when I'm turning onto the busy highway to my mom and dads house. It was so bad that I almost called them to come and get us not more than 20 minutes from there house. BUT I kept driving because sometimes that's what you have to do.

The panic attack happened last weekend on my way down to my mom and dads again. This was a bit scarier because it was exactly how it was when I went to the hospital when Grandpa was in the hospital dying. I couldn't stop crying, I was getting the shakes, and of freaking course I was driving the car. Mom called just as it was getting bad and she suggested I stop. I couldn't because I was going in the wrong direction of the town she said to stop at. Again I just kept driving because sometimes that's all you can do. I really didn't see it as an option to pull over and just break down where Mae could actually see me and scare her. Pointless. I got to mom's and proceeded to chill out.

I felt better after spending time off the computer, off the phone, not at work, and with family. Hell I slept most of sunday away on various couches and it was needed.

Yesterday my car decided that it was time to fuck up on me. I have no idea what is wrong with it, I just know I'm not driving it until someone comes and looks at it. But I know it's bad because the check engine light is flashing and dinging. Soooo I'm driving Grandpa's car.

My friend calls me because noone is at work but her, the boss, and the boss's girlfriend. Can I puhleas come to work til 5. Sure. I need the money, tammy can watch the kid, and I NEED THE MONEY! While I'm driving Grandpa's car to work, it's all I can think is..I'm driving Grandpa's car. Hello half assed attempt at another anxiety attack!

I've also crossed over into some kind of anger in the grief process. It's bad when you add it to the fact that I don't know if I'm working my way to the good place or if I'm still stuck at the begining. My mom called the Hospice and I have an appointment with a grief counselor on Monday after I take Mae to school.

The kids dad won't stop emailing me asking if he is seeing Mae. I have laid it out to please not contact me but he refuses. Says he will just keep emailing me...well guess what? I'll be the bigger person and just block your email address. I'm not going to argue and I'm not going to beg that you leave me alone. That's why they have a block feature because some people don't get it.

I have also laid out the way he can see her. He has to provide the ride to and from, have a clean house, not smoke around her, have food for her and clothes she can wear at his house. I do not think that is in any way, shape, or form unacceptable. I do not think it is even asking a lot.

Mae lives in a clean house. She has plenty of food and drink. She isn't smoke around at home. She has clean clothes at home. All the things that I laid out for him are the same things she has at home. It isn't that difficult of a thing to accomplish.

After all the bullshit that I have had to go through with him as a woman, and as Mae's mom...I am done with him. I am not going to provide all the things I used to do. I am not going to be disrespected, I am not going to allow my child to see or hear me be disrespected. I am not responsible for her seeing her dad. I am responsible for letting her go if all her needs will be met.

I am not responsible for anything else. I used to take it upon myself to make sure she had what she needed and that she got over there. I am DONE! It wasn't appreciated, it was taken for granted, and I was the one who had to deal with his instablity in his life on all the levels. I'm done.

So right now in some areas things just suck. But that's life and you keep going.

With another friend of mine happiness is endless at the moment. Her and her boyfriend just got a new place! Not even a new place but a new house! She has been living in this one bedroom apartment for like 4 years. It's a hell hole! Her ceilings are falling in, the plumbing has been an issue and it just sucks!

Well a couple days ago she got lucky! And like they say its always about who you know! Our boss knows the landlord. He put a good word in for her. She now has a 3 or 4 bedroom house, less than a mile from me!!! She has a yard, a laundry room, a deck, an attached garage. She has such a nice place!

I couldn't be happier for her. BUT ask me how happy I am for her on Sunday lol. Thats when all the big moving is happening and I'm one of the lucky ones who gets to help! We moved two carloads over last night and tomorrow night we're doing her kitchen. Which I'm sure will turn into something more. I need to tell her to get her clothes together that can be moved now. Hell even see about getting the dresser drawers over there so its just the dresser part to move.

I also have to figure out how to help for my first friends benefit that we are starting to plan. I don't want to do anything but go to stores and ask for stuff lol. But I will do all that needs to be done because its what you do.

I'm just pretty greatful right now that my life isn't in the shitter. I have moments where I think it is, but then I just turn on the computer and look around. Doesn't take long to see how good you have it.

I don't talk much about my sexuality. Mostly because I'm not getting any lol. Also because I havn't been out in society looking for the next THING. I'm still apart of several sites that are for people looking for luuuuuuuuv lol, but in reality most of the guys just want sex. Yea well I'm not just having sex for the sake of having sex. If I want sex that bad I can ask my friend to watch my kid so I can go find some random person at a bar.

On one of these sites it caters towards the side of me that I really don't talk about. My submissive side. If I was going to be honest, I have to say I'm just there now looking, watching, and being envious of those who have that kind of relationship. It astounds me though how many of the Men there feel the need to tell me how I am jaded and not worthy to be anyones submissive. How unattractive I am to Dominant men because I have issues that I worry about, mainly my kiddo. And that they feel the need to do whatever it is they want to do to my head. The problem is that, yes I feel I am submissive. But NO I don't feel the pull of any of the people on these sites. I felt a pull with the kids dad. Sooo I do know the feel of that pull and if I ever felt it again...I'd probably want to pursue it. Though right now I'm not feeling it.

I am to the point in my life where I would much rather have a vanilla relationship because those are ooo so much easier(yes that was sarcasm), but in truth I think with having to raise my daughter that is the kind of relationship I should be in. With a Dominant man in my life who lives the lifestyle I just can't give up ALL the control that would be needed to make that a successful relationship.

My daughter is my first priority. She has to be. I've gotten emails from Men and Women who applaud that and they all say the same thing. A real Dominant will understand and give room for that. Yea see as much as I'd like to believe that...I just don't. You want me naked sucking your cock in the kitchen at 4pm...Um sorry can't I have my girl. Small things like that, that a regular person wouldn't have an issue with. But Dominants who happen to be assholes, which is what I attract, don't want that. They want the girl with no baggage who can be tied up 24/7 and all these other scenarios that are straight out of pornos.

I am still the submissive girl at heart. I still find myself doing things with a mindset of well if I had a Man I would do this. I havn't forgotten my submissive self. I've just put her lil ass to sleep.

AND have taken control of my life into my own hands. I want to be at the place in life where I could let go a bit. But man let me tell you Mae is just first. Period!

So now my dilema becomes not only how to find a Dominant man, but to find a man period lol. I would like to have someone in my life who I can watch movies with, hang on the deck with, go out somewhere with. But I have Mae and I would rather have a safe happy healthy Mae then become the mom who puts her kid on the backburner for another guy.

Hell when I had that boyfriend for a couple months...I couldn't let go enough for him to tell Mae to stop something because shes my job. She's my responsibility and your just a guy I'm seeing. See my problem?

Maybe I am a switch. Or maybe I'm just a sexual submissive who knows enough to be submissive in ways out of the bedroom that noone would notice. I don't know. I do know one thing though....a sadistic man is not the way I want to go at this point in my life. Sadism was ok when there was no Mae, but with Mae....No!

So there you have it, I wish I had a man to help me through this life, but I just can't settle. So I'll do what I've been doing and maybe some day I'll even up grade to owning a BOB...until then....I'm good without any sex lol Companionship I'll take!

Saturday was another mile marker in the death of my Grandpa. It was 5 months that we had lost him. I took the day off work because I'm just no good at this point on the marker dates.

I decided to go to my mom and dads this weekend. They were looking to get new babies for their house. I figured it would be nice to go along with them. Poor poor poor Mae! She thought she was going to get to take home a baby. We told her after Christmas we will go and get her a baby. She isn't old enough for a kitten but she is old enough for a year old kitty. They need love too!

On the way to my mom and dads though I ended up having a huge anxiety attack. Of course it happened once I was on the real busy road, and of course it happened at the time Grandpa died. And of course I didn't have a clue what to do. My medication for anxiety was in the trunk of the car, and I almost pulled over. Though Highway 30 isn't really a good place to pull over. I knew though from previous attacks that it would probably be better to just keep pushing through it. If I couldn't push through it then I could always pull over and make the call for one of them to come get us.

We got the babies, and then ended up a lil inebriated and Mae was in charge lol. Made dinner and the next day Mae hung out with her Grandpa Rex. It's good to see him stepping further into his Grandpa role.

This whole losing Grandpa thing is easier some days and harder on others. But we are pushing through it and trying to heal. It's going to be a while I'm thinking.

I got home yesterday from work and my mom had been here. She still thinks the fucking house is a disgusting pig sty. Funny she is the only one who thinks that. My friends all tell me how clean the house is now that Grandpa isn't here. Um he was a bit of a pack rat lol. But I had the house clean before he passed on. It's just never going to be good enough for my mom.

Hell I don't know. I just keep pushing along and hopefully one day it will be ok. It won't be but hey I have to have hope right lol.

Tomorrow is picture day for Mae. That has caused a bit of an uproar. To get Mae her pictures Mom has to not get any money from me. I was willing to go without them. She isn't! The problem will be next week when she goes well you know you didn't give me any money last week.

Augh! Money and the house being clean. I'm sooo over them. I give my mom pretty much every cent I get. I try to save my tips from the good days so that I can give her extra when I hand her money. BUT now there is a party she wants me to go to. Guess what? I have to take time off of work to go. Guess what that means lost money because not only do I have no pay I have to pay my friend to watch Mae!

Oh joy o joy! Other than money and the house me and mom are getting along good lol.

But this morning before 830 I had the bathroom and kitchen both swept and mopped. And I mean mopped the right way. You know actually moving the chairs off the floor, actually moving the table so you can mop under all of it lol. All I have to do now is laundry and the bathroom fixtures. Fun Fun Fun!

But this weekend we are going to the hotel so it will be worth it to do all this work and come home to a clean house!

Anyways I guess that's my same ol same ol!

First! What the hell is going on with blogger? I want my side bars back that seperated everything. I don't like the way it looks today!

Yesterday was a gorgeous day in Iowa! Was the perfect weather to go to THE PUMPKIN FARM!!! Insert several loud Mae squeals here lol.

Yesterday was field trip day and I went along as a parent volunteer. Teared up while we were there because we went with Grandpa last year. But I held it together and we had a wonderful time.

The kids jumped in the bouncy houses and maaaaaaaaaaan I am sooooo glad I never became a teacher. The amount of energy in those kids was SCARY!

We all went on a hay ride and I took pictures of me and Mae. Some were good some were bad, and eventually they will all make it onto facebook.

We did the haunted corn maze and a couple of the displays freaked Mae out. Bad mama Bad mama...i was glad to see she could be freaked out. Sometimes that girl just isnt right lol. So it was good to see her react appropriately.

The guy turned on the tame haunted house, minus the sound effects and kept the lights on. We went through that and it was me Mae and the boy set of twins in her class. We looked at the stuff and I said stuff about it and we had a good time. Even the lil boys were scared of a couple things. Good to know that our kids arent completly jaded at 4 years old.

Then it was off to the animals and then THE PUMPKINATOR!! Thats where they shoot the pumpkins. I made sure to ask about that when we first got there. Cuz come on thats just cool watching them shoot pumpkins lol. Miss Crystal the either young teacher or teacher aide or in training...Im not sure what she is, anyways she was volunteered to be the puller of the pumpkinator. We cheered her on, we counted down. And then BAAAAM she hit the old van with the pumpkin! The kids loved it! They then shot off a pumpkin into the air and we lost it and couldnt see where it landed.

The kids all got a pumpkin. Mae has all but been demanding that her mother buy her a pumpkin! I told her at the end of the month we would get one. So shes happy with her pumpkin.

It was a great thursday with Mae's class.

I had a rough Wednesday. I had to open at work today because all three girls were going to a funeral. I've never opened on a Wednesday, let alone sliced for a lunch shift during the week.

Well I can now say I can do it both of those things. Hell I was even doing two rows of subs at one point. Have got to love those call in orders!

I get to work and after NOT screwing up the money, I proceeded to screw up the next three things I swear.

Totally dumped half a bag of soup on the floor. Totally went blonde and couldn't figure out that you put an unopened bag of soup in the micro for it to thaw. You DONT put a chicken noodle soup popsicle into the soup urn. You shouldnt really dump the onions into the reach in cooler, and catching the falling meat before it hits the ground is a good thing lol.

So my morning really kind of sucked ass.

But I was off at 2 and then we had a couple drinks on the deck. Now I'm just getting ready to fall in bed. Tomorrow...ahh I'm so glad tomorrow is coming, even though it means another night at work. Good blog coming soon!

Ooooo man be happy that you're not sharing a house with me today lol, and last night for that matter lol. Nothing says gas like a good meal out at Red Lobster lol. My belly was so full last night that it didn't know how to process the food except make me noisy lol.

Yesterday my mom and dad were coming over and she called to see if we wanted to go for Mexican at the restraunt here in my little itty bitty town. Well unfortunatly they closed. Sooo sad because Mae and I loved loved loved their tamales.

Mom said she had mentioned it to dad because she knew that Mae, Grandpa and I would go out to eat at least once a week. Not McDonalds, and that she knew we hadn't gone out in a long time. The last time we went to a restraunt restraunt we went with the kids dad.

Since the restraunt here was closed I said well why don't we go to Los Cabos because Grandpa REALLY liked them. Mom wanted me to call and see their hours and I was like you have Grandpa's wallet, look for a coupon in there to see if it has their hours. No hours, but there was the coupon(i knew it was there), thats how much he liked them he cut out coupons for them.

They finally made it here and they had their own errands to run and I was all bad mommy and said TAKE THE DEMON SPAWN WITH YOU!! LOL ok so maybe not that, but i did HIGHLY encourage them to take her with them lol.

Thanks to Demon err Mae lol we were upgraded from mexcian to Red Lobster lol. Mom came in and said do you know where Mae said she wants to go? I did, because she has been asking me to take her to Red Lobster for a month now lol. I can't afford it, hell I can't even afford lunch there lol. We used my tip money the other night to go to Fazolis...12 dollas lol.

They thought I had put Mae up to saying RL but really its all her. I dont know why she wants to go, but she did. She ate 2 crab legs and then said she didnt like them lol. Last time she had some of mine she loved it.

We had drinks, and endless shrimp and topped it off with an apple pie alamode thing.

All in all a pretty good night! The pictures are on facebook to prove it lol.

Theres more i want to blog but really....i dont feel like blogging more than this lol. Lazy lazy i know!