So I should definitely be asleep but I can't.  He's in my bed and I just want to cuddle and enjoy. Fortunately for me I took a huge cocktail and will have to sleep lol.

This in love thing has me fucked up.  But it's also showing me my weakness and I can correct that lol. 

10 years of stuff to unlearn lol

Surprise sex. And good sex. Best thing ever before it's time to sleep at 4 or 5 when you have a donut shift. 

Going to grab some cuddles before I pass out lol.

Damn sex is a necessity who knew lol?

Oh this communication thing is hard. Not being in charge of Everthing is hard.

Today sucked ass. A customer is actively trying to get me fired. If you dislike me that much...get your coffee somewhere else. Leave me alone.

Back to my house isn't clean enough.  Ugh give me a break I didn't have time to do it right because the move was so quick.

Thursday I'm going to the movies with my friend no matter what.  We had this planned before we were together.

It's just been a crappy Monday.

He is willing to communicate.  He is going to have to learn that I may need 10 more minutes then him to process. That and I need to learn to shut up and just listen and not interrupt. Doesn't matter who it is I'm an interrupter lol.

I also have to learn to not vent to his dad about him. We can talk about him but I need to find the boundary line. This is a lot all at once.

My house and garage are a bigger wreck than before.  Cleaned it just to fuck it up again lol.

We have so much work still to do and I'm sooo over moving.

Tonight he kisses me, hugs me, and says I love my baby. I just looked into his beautiful blue eyes and he held my gaze and said I do.  And hugged me again.

I'm a very insecure person when it comes to men. I don't know how to just trust. I don't know how to communicate.  I don't know how to do this. I haven't done it in like 10 years.

I'm processing all of my emotions and trying to not over think things. Because if I'm honest with at least myself I started falling for him the minute I looked into his eyes. I tried to be slow. I still am. But I do love him. I just don't know how to love without waiting for it to go away.

How do you let decades of bullshit go just like that? I guess I'm going to have to figure a way to explain it to him in a way a guy can process.

I'm scared and nervous and insecure and immature. I have to step up if I want this. And yes I want this. Time to start over. He doesn't deserve to be punished for the asses who came before him.

Well all the big stuff is now in my garage.  Tuesday I'll go to the apartment and do dishes and bring them back.

I was going to do it tomorrow but I realized I have a meeting at 3. So I'm thinking after my short Tuesday shift I'll do that. Tomorrow when I get home I'll bring in the stuff from today's haul that's in my truck.

This moving shit sucks! Especially on a new relationship. We're hot, stressed, tired and irritated.  Which has us bickering with each other.  I'm like seriously i don't know what the deal is...tell me so I know.  Same for him I'll tell you when I have a problem.

I'm just ready to be done.  If we're going to bicker then let it be about something not just because we're both stressed from this move.

His dad is doing really well. I did forget just a little what it's like living with an old person.  But thanks to Grandpa I'm adjusting. Hell I'm in my room right now chilling out. He's got everything he needs and if he wants he can get up. He's ready to tear it up lol a broken hip hasn't kept him down.

I really hope we can get everything settled so we can start this thing we're doing.  Because I'm ready for as close to normal as we'll get.

So there is  a lot of manipulation going on in the world of Ryder Mae. 

Her dad is making promises and telling her that she can this or that. 

Well as much as I don't like it. I played the game right back. 

The difference is that I can make sure the promises can be made and kept. So I pulled out all the stops and gave her an alternative. 

Funny she seemed to really like my idea. One day she'll be a mom and get it lol.

Yesterday got the cat and a bunch of clothes moved.  Tonight I think we're taking pictures off the wall and bringing them here. I'm packing knick knacks tonight.

Saturday I think is dishes and Isaacs stuff. And Sunday is the big stuff. He got at least one big guy to help and a guy to drive the uhaul so I don't have too.

This move needs to be done and over. I'm ready to start really living together and nitpicking because that's what couples do lol.

I hope I picked right. Because I really really like him. 

So texting with Brenda I think I've got my blog able to come out lol.

Yesterday showed me his insecurity and leftovers from previous relationships.  I'm thinking there may have been a few ladies who lied and schemed who came before me.

The school sent me an email and then called. Because I didn't want to deal with the voicemail I answered and hung up.

I don't know why but I told him it was just the school. Maybe because it was odd to answer and then hang up.

We'll about 5 minutes later I hear something like you're lying to me. I was like wtf are you talking about? And he repeats him. And I go again wtf are you talking about. 

Turns out when I flipped my screen towards him showing the number flash by he read it wrong.  He thought it was a cell and I was lying about who was calling. 

Told him dude I don't know what your deal is but I'm too lazy to fucking lie. I can't keep shit straight. Turns out the number he "saw" is an actual number to a guy named randy. I know a randy but not his # and he would never have mine.

So we had our first argument and no I didn't let that shit go. I even looked at him later and Told him I wasn't letting it go yet.

I'm not other girls. I use my words. If I say something you can usually take it to the bank. 

So this morning I have to go meet with the people at the hospital because the dad is coming home Friday.  Which means I have to get shit done at 2 places. 

Never again lol am I moving anyone like this again lol.

You know i love and live for this shit lol.

I've been awful. Pms is crap and my attitude has been shit. He keeps bringing me chocolate. I'm putting a stop to that lol.

Today has been particularly emotional for me because it's Katie birthday, my Mae isn't here, and I'm living my life and it's going a thousand miles an hour. I'm exhausted and cranky and I need a day off for me. 

So I pick him up after work and he's tired and I'm quiet and just letting him talk because I didn't have anything to add and my mouth on pms is a dangerous weapon.

Then out of nowhere he got a burst of something and next thing I know he's being a goofball and laying his head on my shoulder and kissing my arm in an exaggerated way. I couldn't help but laugh and my mood lightened.

He looked at me later and was like we had a good day. It was a good day. I just think I need a day so I can get my cleaning done and my laundry done. I need to take care of me. 

So tomorrow I'll say something and if he doesn't get it then he'll just have to get over it because I've got to take care of me and eventually Mae. So I need time off to take care of business. 

I'm working the weekend so hopefully I'll get my afternoons off to do some work. And if I'm really good.... a nap lol.

Did I mention that the nice big beautiful bed I bought....yeah he's a cuddler lol. I am never getting my bed again unless I have a day off opposite him lol.

Did I mention I'm scared. And when I'm scared I do stupid stuff. But I'm being very good and not putting myself in situations.  However customers from work saw me out with him and then proceeded to hit hard on me and try to get with me. Wtf? I'm not bored or unhappy.  You just want to hit it because someone else is. We decided that it's probably a real good idea I just float in by when I see him outside of work.

People really suck when you are happy and got what you asked for. It's like another damn test. Ok universe put us back on the good side lol.

Permanence. That's the conversation I didn't have today because I'm all pms girl. Or maybe I chose to ignore it and not acknowledge it.

But I'm really starting to get a clue that he doesn't like even the joke of not being together. 

He's all excited about us moving in. I am too but it's going to be a big change.  

I'm just scared that I'll let myself be too happy and it will disappear.  I'm not easy to live with and I know me.

Anyways..... permanence.... scary.

Seriously i thought we had the job figured out. Extra running today to get the job and they haven't done the paperwork or started the payroll card. 

We went from way happy to irritated. Seriously just do your job so he can get working. I can see he isn't happy with not working. That's why we've been hitting it hard.

Just what is needed more stress. Joys of adulting. 

Another day another color I didn't quite choose lol. 

I've been up since 430. It's surgery day for "dad". So we're sitting in the room waiting for them to take him to surgery. 

What I didn't expect is the sheer anxiety and horrific feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought I was over my grandpa experience but obviously I'm not.

It will be a fun day with anxiety. But I brought my xanex so I can grab one as needed. 

I'm the other half according to his dad lol but the fun will really happen when Isaacs brother and sister get here. 

Life needs to cut us a little slack because I'm starting to get exhausted from all this excitement. 

Have a great day and Brenda I'm glad crystal got to hear what her uncle said.

Ok so once again life is hitting us HARD! Went to work at 3am and  about a half hour later I checked my phone and there's a message telling me Ron fell and possibly broke his hips.  Turns out its a leg break and we might be moving his dad into maes room before she gets home that way he has a place he can get into.

Told Isaac you keep joking about marrying me...well you just might have to if I'm going to be around and need to leave work.  Father in law trumps boyfriends dad. 

But fortunately I had all my work done way early and I didn't take too much shit for it.

So now it's on and we gotta get this done. 

I have a boyfriend who freely admits he comes with a damaged goods label. Ok well so do I. But to have him speak so openly is a good thing.  It means we're communicating.

I'm very glad that we can talk. With all the time we're spending in the car job hunting we get to talk. Sometimes it's funny and light hearted. Sometimes it's dead serious.  Our honeymoon period is seriously jacked up.

Tomorrow will be a serious one depending on how the interview goes. Totally not cool to add shit to what could be a shit mood. If that's the case I'll just wait. Only because it's the money talk.

Yes he's been great about making sure everyone is taken care of but I have to be able to understand his money system. That way I can figure out how to work with the money so bills get paid.

I don't mind doing the money but for fucks sake we just had 2 major financial burdens hit at one time. And I have to remind myself this is my boyfriend and not a husband. 

See I still have most of my wits about me even if I'm falling faster and faster.  There's just something about a man who wants you next to him. Who doesn't want to let go when you're cuddling on the couch. Who puts his hand on your thigh while driving. 

I think I'm moving from last to love. So until I get all the way there I won't be initiating the I love you at the end of a call or dropping off.  It will do us good.

So I also 5 days in wrote him a letter. You know the high schooly letters you passed in the hall. Tonight I wrote him a big one and folded it like high school lol. After I give it to him I'll ask what he thinks and if he likes them I'll write if not I'll just blog lol.

I like him I really do. I hope our demons can play nice and that our crazy matches. I'm ready to be sharing a house on a full time basis. I don't know how this will go. But from what he's shared he's a long term kind of guy so I can work with that. Plus I hate him as much as I hate my loves lol so that's good.

Donut shift in the morning so it's time to let the meds do their job and put me out.

Much love 

So 5 days ago he said I love you. Today he said it again.  I took a long pause before replying. 

This is so strange for me. I haven't gone without anything since I met him. Life is throwing tons of things at us. Yet we just keep chugging along.

I love you sweetheart.  Wtf is that shit? Of course I want that. But man I really like to sabatoge. 

I guess I'm just going to have to go with it lol. Though we did have the conversation about not telling me to go play,party or have fun with my friends lol. I get kissy  when I drink. So tonight I was told no kissing no touching lol etc...I was like I'll be good I'm with girls . Get me with the guys and I act like one lol.

Well I think it may be Netflix and chill time.

Ok so I never know what color I'm going to get because I'm on the phone lol.

Lots going on.  Big changes for me. It's crazy.

Holy hell! Be careful what you ask for!  Lots going on and at the top of the list...he needs a job. Shit happens and add an unfiltered mouth...well you need a new job. 

He has an interview Friday and we have our fingers crossed. But because of circumstances things have shifted but not in a completely horrible way just I'm convient.

I know he was joking but it was funny because we were sitting talking and he goes well I guess I have to marry you now. You adopted Dad. Lol I looked up at him and said is that a proposal or an Oh fuck lol. Goofy guy.

Funnier yet lol dropping him off last night he's hugging me and drops the L word.  Basically he went shit I said that (pause) I mean it though. Awww I wormed my way in. 

But at the moment we have some hoops to jump through but hopefully it works in our favor because we need to get them out of their neighborhood and some place a bit better.

Everything about this is crazy but it's working.  Only one thing I'm not looking forward to... football season. Ugh he's determined to get me into it. Little does he know others have tried and failed lol.

Ok well enough already guess it's time to drive more and then take a friend to the doctor.  Pretty sure he's hungover lol and needs the doctors note lol.

Never dull in my world lol.

Dear God lol this is seriously getting stranger and stranger. It's like the boat ride in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. 

So I go to work today and get a kiss goodbye...aww...aww ND then worked for 4 hours that seemed like 6. Then I get home at 215 and holy hell! 

My trees have limbs that got knocked down in the storm and took out my power box. I have absolutely no idea what the hell was up with the storm but it fucked my shit up.

So now it brings me to the point that I had to share him with my blood family.  My mom is not going to help me out at all. He talked to her and handled her. Thank God because I was totally not in my right mind.

He hands me the phone back and she starts. Who is he? Does he live there? Why not get money from him?

This is why I was keeping him away from people. Yes I know how fast were flying. Yes it's crazy. But I'm 40 years old. I get to have a life. I get to have a life with my child. I get to have a life with a man. I get to have a life with my friends.  No he's not living here...yet. that's just a matter of weeks. 

It's crazy that all this stuff is being thrown at us at once. Like one thing on top of another. And they aren't little things. Big money fml things lol.

So I was supposed to be sleeping in my bed alone in the ac tonight. Well that didn't work out lol. I was going to be strong and resist temptation and do some adulting lol. Well we did some adulting lol we bought a second fan lol.

So bottom line he gets to prove he's the man he says he is very quickly. Is this a test?  Is it a trick? What the hell did the universe think by giving me beauty then trashing my house?

I do the 3 am donut shift tomorrow that's why I wanted to be home lol. Guess it's another night away from the lonely kitties.

Now time to let all the sleep meds kick in and shut my brain off. Living dead girl tonight lol.

I'm choosing to put my faith and trust into Isaac. It's the first thing that's come up. So let's run this shit. Together I think our personalities can get along enough for us to run this shit lol.

I looked at him this morning and told him...........................
..

.








........

.......
I like you😊

Well here it is 5am lol and I'm awake. Not a bad thing just pretty early when you don't have to be at work til 10. But tbh today I don't mind.

We did some talking yesterday while watching movies. God really? Wow the difference between those before and him is really night and day.

Half jokingly he said he was getting used to my mood swings lol. I had to laugh because who says that lol and is serious about they're not bad lol.

It's looking like for real we're going to move in. Yes yes I know fast but damn when I'm actively trying not to sabatoge something you know it's big.

He was so supportive yesterday with all the crap going on in my life. Just to have him call me baby and draw me in to hug me is worth so much.

 I'm trying and not trying to keep him hidden because when you share your happy some people just have to crap all over it.

But he might get to meet Mae this week.  He said he would go with me when I drive to visit her. It's going to be interesting lol because she'll be all about the boy lol and forget her mama lol.

Tonight I have to sleep away from him because I have a donut shift Friday at 3 am! I've only spent one night without him since we physically met. I can't remember the last time I was loved on like this. Affection is so good. I'm eating it up with a spoon and it tastes wonderful. I don't know how this happened but I'm running with it. Soon I'll start posting on Facebook.  But for now fuck Facebook.  I get all the validation I need from him, by him, and with him. Yup...I'm falling and it's gonna leave a mark😊

This is the strangest relationship yet. The "problem " is i just got everything I wanted. How the fuck am I supposed to process that in 7 days? 

I'm already not used to a 50s style man. Like how do I not push it away because it's scary and wonderful.  How do I let go of the scary and turn it into 100% exciting scary?

He talks to me if I ask questions.  Not wishy-washy answers but blunt answers. I asked the universe for this and I got it. 

I don't really want to go home because he won't be there but I keep trying to go home. I'm not going to do anything but be pissy because I left.

He held me so tight. He doesn't call me by my name. I get alot of baby. That gives me a thrill. 

Communication is happening.  Wtf? Really I have a man? Thank you universe for sending him my way. Thank you for the attraction.  Thank you for his patience because lord knows I'm testing it.

Again I am in serious like. So much so I asked why he wanted to move in so soon. He laid out his past on moving in with women and then why so fast with me. At one point he said I was sweet.  I couldn't say anything. 

I am falling,falling,falling. I'm not sure about the landing but the fall won't kill me. The landing is another story. 

Went and got birth control.  No babies here. I want to enjoy this. I don't want kids. I have kids. I want to be selfish and when Mae turns 18 it's just us. No little one running around. Thank you depo lol.

I guess I should get all ready for bed and find something to watch and go to bed. Though it's nice having arms that want to hold me.

1950s here we come.

So here I am...again. personalities are starting to come out and there is actual talking about these things. He did two wonderful things for me today. 

He mowed my yard and bought my brand of cigarettes instead of what I thought I was getting.  I didn't question it more than once and just said thank you.

You know how there are people who say that's my job I'm the man?  Well that's him. And he follows through. 

I should be asleep but the need to pee was strong lol. Oh my Oh my I'm so glad tomorrow is the Dr's appointment.  I have decided that there will be no babies or talk of them except to just say no lol. I want to be selfish and not share with more than I have to.

Still not ready to post a picture publicly. But I've opened up to a few people and have gotten some great advice and words of kindness.

I'm going to just go with this because in the end we end up in my bed not a twin air mattress.  Guess this is the part where you support so you end up where you want.

It's not love but it's serious like. And I'm loving every insane moment of it. It's interesting to get to know him.  A man...I forgot they existed.

I'm keeping him for as long as he wants to be here.

Ooo it's bedtime and I'm going to try and curl up with my sexy tall skinny ginger who is going to steal me. 🎵👣👣💋