bored bored bored bored! have no money, noone is doing anything and now im sitting here waiting for a phone call or for it to be med time. oh and the 803439 texts from the kids dad.

though he is paying for school pictures! And taking her for my birthday. Ive spent so much time hating him its hard to be nice to him. but i just feel theres an agenda of some kind.

But im going to try to not hate for a while but who the hell knows.

back to im bored bored bored!

So once again I am on the child abuse registry. This time though I'm not alone! As i blogged, in which i thought was realitivly safety cuz i thought people had grown up. Well DHS was here twice and the case was founded.

Those of you may rememeber 6 years ago we had a domestic disturbance and we were both arrested. I however got to stay out of jail because i was nursing Mae. The officer wrote in his report he wasnt calling dhs because of this.

Well imagine my surprise when now im back on the registry and have to have home visits from the stupid dhs.

Here's where it becomes interesting the dhs lady asks me about my blog! Asks me about giving my knives away to a friend because HE SHOWED HER MY BLOG! And then the asshole feiend innocence about it like what did you want me to do lie to her? Um helllo she has no idea it even existed. This is all after he is telling me the wars and battles are over.

And yet another lie was that he got it from Robin who thought i assume that they just had to have this as ammunition to get them to take Mae from me.

So now Ive gone private when I shouldnt have to and it pisses me off that after 6 years he is still a fucking liar and lying to me. Why lie i wouldnt lie. But the whole blog thing never should have been brought up. I already disclosed my mental status.

So im all bright shiny and pissed off! Maybe that wasnt as interesting as i thought but it sure did piss me off!

Screw This

Ok so i figured out how to get the old blogger back and I can sort of run it but facebook me your email addy's and then ill just go ahead and make this one private. And when it is Ill fill the few readers I have on what the deal is. I tried the other blog i have but i dont like it so i want to stay here.

So send me your addy and Ill add you to my reading list. But you know its gotta be good bullshit if i have to go private since Ive never had to go private before now.

as soon as i get it set up ill post the new addy to my blog and youll just have to ask me on facebook for the password. Seems that some like to show my blog to dhs and ill leave it at that til i get set up. i have several to pick from so it will take me a minute or two to figure out where im going.

Well it looks like i've got my birthday covered! I know I know I have bills but those bills will be there after my party lol.

I plan on hanging out in my friends backyard and have a bonfire....IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK!! lol cuts down on the party goers and the amount of money i have to shell out for booze lol.

Butter crowns and beer...going redneck this year. Plus I have my ride all lined up so were good.

Mae didnt sleep last night so i didnt sleep last night. This is why i only take the ambien when shes not here because its hard to wake up wake up when shes up.

And thanks to the kids dad mae will not be around me til the next day lol. Im going to buy my own cake and smooosh it on someone lol.

Ok not much else to talk about except please let Mae sleep tonight lol

I'm sitting here procrastinating AGAIN! This time i dont want to take my meds. There's nothing to do and nothing to keep me awake. I just dont wanna go to bed now lol.

im used to keying down for hours after work not after only being home less than an hour lol.

though i am mulling over something the kids dad said. Ill ask him next week, but he offered to take mae on a day if i needed someone to take her. now im pretty sure thats applying to mental health issuse.

The question becomes does my birthday equate to a mental health issue? Is is worthy of him taking her after school on that day or not lol. im hoping yes. I think i know what  i want to do and i know where and who to do it with. Though my ride home probably wont attend the party lol.

i really want to party on my birthday and i have the time off already. Ahhhh i can almost taste my birthday lol.

I don't have a lot to say though Im pretty sure I do have a whole lot to say I just cant get it out of my fingers. so today im going to be a complete lazy slob who's gained a whole ton of weight back and do nothing.

i need to get back to work and be around the real people. talking to the voices i hear sometimes doesnt seem like that good of an idea. but what do i know. Oh yeah i took every psych and therapist apptmnt i could this week. I was told good job and petted on the  head.

i made my mom cry twice because of me this week, wasnt intentional. i  just dont think she gets the whole bi polar thing and that some little corner of her brain still thinks im just fucking around. dear god i wish i was fucking around. i wake up two ways...good mood or pit of rage in my stomach. i prefer good mood. but for those days that i feel rage ill have fmla to get out of work. thank goodness cuz i cant fake it for 8 hours lol.

everything is good im just bored to death and i dont want to hang out with my friends, just wanna be a blob in a blog lol

$1 Bottles

I'm broke! I have no money but the mortgage is paid. I also have friends who work and have money on Friday. They new where $1 bottles were at.

Since It's been MONTHS since they set eyes on me guess who got invited out! Yup me and they killed my ass lol that or the butter crowns bit me lol.

They had to send me home. OMG it was nice being out with my guys! Now the puking later part sucked ass lol. Well dollar bottels and a couple shots plus a can of soup will do that.

Now its not even 8 in the morning and  I dont have to work til 3....a nap is sooo in my future but man i had FUN!

She's home!

Yay my girlie is home! Bathed and clean and full of happiness. I invited him in because I didnt want to text everything i wanted to talk about. I have to get over the fact that the girlfriend watches her Friday night while he works but since he works 3rd shift I can't bitch.

To be honest I don't even want to bitch. I just want to say if she is curious about me be an adult and come to me don't stalk a social networking site because those things don't tell the real story.

She's going back next week and it looks like a permanent thing. Crossing my fingers. At least until she's old enough to want to spend nights at friends houses then we will deal with that.

So mission accomplished a good visit. I just have to remember and try to believe in what he says when he says the war and battles are over. Excuse my hesitency on that one,,,, but time will tell.

Now I have to wait for my hospital psych dr to fax back my fmla papers and THANK YOU LORD JESUS i was covered for real title 19 and wont have to pay the bill. Though with all the tax money ive put in the system I feel a bit entitled to a free stay lol.

I dont know much of anything but i do know that in 2 days i havnt had any suicidal thoughts which is an improvement over last week when 3 out of oh hell lets be honest all week i thought of ways to off myself.

Maybe its the nature of the beast or maybe i just havnt gotten all my meds adjusted correctly. We'll get there though just hard to adjust to everything ya know.

Brenda...your doing a great job with the girls...i say if your capable of taking them in tell them to call cps themelves and tell them they dont feel safe there but there is a safe place for them. Sorry our phones dropped the calls.

Well im going to enjoy haha this instant cup of coffee and pray for real coffee tomorrow maybe lol

Sometimes aware isnt even enough

In just a couple hours me and 2 friends will be going to the viewing of a friend we lost in a motorcycle accident. We've been talking about what to wear and finally we decided he wouldnt want us all dressed up..just come as you are and bring a drink lol. Im really almost certain it would be those words.

They were able to get some help through the VA, my mom rocks at her job!

He had 2 little children at home and grown if not almost grown children and i know his partner and mom are losing there minds.

My cousin was a great friend to him and is broken up.

We have all known this man for at least a decade plus. We've known his partner Beth from almost the get go.

I hate losing people but damn why all the ones that make you laugh and smile and are the life of the party.

i wish his family nothing but the best.

Soooo stupid

Ooooo how stupid I am! Turns out that the person keeping tabs on me is dj's girlfriend. WTF really? And now hes taking her to lunch to tell her the ground rules. Um that should have been done a long long time ago!

But back to the soo stupid. I contacted who at home we call Jackass2 in an effort for Mae. Why I felt i had to do it today i dont know. oh wait cuz his girlfriends following my movements!

He played it just like I knew he would....you know all my fault blah blah. Whatever just pick a time to see your kid while Im in a semidecent mood. Hell he could have come and taken Mae out to eat with them, but i guess that didnt occur to him.

HOWEVER I am not taking any responsibility for him not seeing her in 2 years because while he was quoting me the email he left out all the other stuff that was in there. He knew he had the option of seeing her. Jackass2 choose to not see her. But thats typical obviously.

But now I guess Ill have to let him  pick her up on Friday because her school is down the street.

Yup I went stupid again, lets hope its for the best of Mae!

Today is one of my bad days. My meds which i thought were kicking in, arent. Ive been depressed so much today that i couldnt do anything. Pacing, laying down, sitting up, trying to read, trying to play games. I just couldnt do it.

Tomorrow my friend is coming to get the bright shiny knives out of the house. Yup they are looking bright and shiny again so they need to go.

I dont know whats wrong with me but today i woke up and just couldnt function. I think I was scared to be diagnosed because then I would have to do something about it.

So I called a friend of mine and she talked with me for a bit and will be here tomorrow.

Mae is growing like a weed. Shes so smart and sometimes i think its only her that keeps me here. I would hate to leave her because well shes my love my life my everything.

Ok so im done with blogging tonight because even it has lost its appeal. Oh and hello to my ex who is keeping tabs on me...still dont know the why for that one lol.

Thank you very much anonymous. Well it's either one of two people and the names i threw out gave a facial change in the lady. Hello I'm your friendly DHS worker! I have never had DHS in my house except once when someone said we were making meth, unfounded of course!

So today I get DHS in my house and it's funny when you can see the a ha moment on the workers face. Supposedly 6 years ago i hit the ex in the head. Um yup I remember hitting him in the head...not with a fist but a frying pan when he had me backed into the kitchen.

Lucky for me I am a good parent and my child is surrounded by those who love her. Hell she forgot dj was her dad because she considers another man her daddy.

Oh and just because I forgot about him and dont look for him doesnt mean he forgot about me. I hope that whatever i write here keeps you as up to date as youre willing to be where Mae is concerned. Sadly when I told the worker about the "demands" i had she asked well when does he see her. Had to tell her he was to busy being a martyr and blaming me for everything to see the girl. Not my problem.

BUT from what it sounds like I have nothing to worry about. However if I was him Id be worried since someone hasnt paid all their fines and such.

Just remember people when you do something for an actual good reason things happen that are good. Pulling stunts like this does nothing but make the other person stronger and you more pathetic!