Almost a new year

We survived Christmas. Mae got her visit from Santa, just barely lol. I had to work Christmas Eve but only til 6. We had a Christmas dinner with my friend and her family. We did a gift exchange and played cards while working our way through a bottle of wine.

My friend from work came over and we all played cards and had a nip. It was a really good time.

Told Mae that if she was a good girl she would wake up and there would be presents wrapped differently then from the ones I gave her. Tell the truth I did a better job than the fatman lol, i admit i wanted to be the one remembered lol.

But she got up and lost her mind when she saw different wrapping paper.

One happy little girl was hanging out at my house that day! Then she was off to her grandparents house. Where come to find out she only made it two days lol shes coming home today because she just cant do what all the other kids do, which is sleep and stay out of shit lol.

We had our passive aggressive sperm donor visit us this year in the form of a card. Totally pissed me off. You can send her a card with some cash but what she really wants you cant give her? That cash would have paid for cab rides to get her to and from. But I forget Im such an evil beast I am the one keeping her away from him lol not the fact that he refuses to use his money and time and whatever friends he has to get her a ride to and from and to provide food for her. Whatever just means we know whats really important to him...being the martyr....

Other than that nothing new is going on. Im still waiting to see what the plans my work has for me are lol. I got pulled into hr last week and told to change my preferences for work. They wanted me to do it and fuck its a pay increase(i think) so I did. Now I just have to wait and see what happens. Good thing to have them wanting you to do something new at work kinda scary though when you know how crappy you can be lol. But i am a customer service kinda girl lol so im sure i can bs my way through it lol.

Anyways still trying to figure out what all we're doing for NYE. Several plans are viable but not real sure which route we're going but for sure we're going lol.

Happy seasons to all!

Sorry I laughed

Dawn, I'm so sorry but I had to laugh when you said your security camera was stolen. Why oh why would you steal a security camera and how do you not get caught doing that? I mean you have to walk up on the camera so you can see who it is and then get it right? Some people don't have any sense. The only problem with them breaking anything is that they would probably turn around and sue you.

Brenda, I hope you have a great vacation. I don't want to hear about 2 dollar pork tenderloin lol I just ate my last on sale one lol. I've caught up on your blog and it just makes me wonder how you stayed so long. He really needs to learn to own his shit. It's not the most fun thing to do in the world but hey ya gotta own who you are(which doesn't give people the right to be complete shits).

Ok so onto me! Still no net at home and today I decided would be library day. I had a shit ton of books at home and I wanted a movie lol. I have no money at the moment because Christmas is a bitch, bills are a bitch, and well to be truthful lol who couldn't just plain use more money. The next two paychecks aren't going to be real pretty for me. I had some kind of stomach thing and missed like 4 days of work. Not fun! What sucks most is that I've used up all my days and can't be sick again til May. I would have been ok but the dumbass that I am tried to go into work, made it an hour and then was done. Oh well! Let the talk happen. Though to be fair I actually was sick lol and when I walked into work people knew I was sick.

We put the tree up on Saturday and then realized that the cats make it impossible to put decorations on the bottom half lol so the bottom of our tree is naked and the top is dressed up lol. I've still got the wrapping to do, but I'm not really up for doing that right now lol. I think I'll wait for my friend to come over tonight to help me lol.

My friend's car broke down and we're sharing mine, we're hoping her brother will help them out with getting a new one. But from the sounds of it that's a long shot. So til they can get one we are sharing mine and my friend stays the night with us a lot lol.

Life just keeps moving along and right now I'm more excited about the possibility of tax money lol. I over extended myself a bit for christmas lol and tax money will put me back 100% straight. I have a little money that my dad is holding for me and I'm hoping to get some of that lol. That way it can tide me over and I don't get behind on bills. Hell its my money lol but its hard as fuck to get it out of the bank of dad.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope that Santa treats you all right and the new year brings all you deserve.

borrowed time lol

Well it's the end of 2 days off for me and tomorrow starts 2 days of 7am shifts. I asked for it I got it lol time with Mae. I asked at work about earlier shifts because i just don't seem to be able to get shifts that give me some time at home. Well this next couple weeks im off by 8 every day and I'll see Mae the days I'm off before 8.

Still sitting at the library, had to come and get copies of my paystubs so I can fill out more paperwork lol. It's looking like that with Christmas getting internet at home is getting pushed to the back burner again. I get 5 sites on my phone lol email, people, myb, facebook, and the local paper lol that's going to have to do. It's been working for me for the last 3 months so why not continue lol. There is after all always the library if I need to do stuff or my friends computers if I have to do stuff.

Know idea whats going on with Mae. Took her to the doctor and she says she socially/emotionally delayed like shes 3 yrs old that way but 5 for the rest of her. I knew my kid was special lol just not special enough to get a label lol. Sometimes the label is a relief because then you can go yup this is the deal but with Mae...its still the same...thats just Mae lol.

Our house is very excited right now we have our first loose tooth. They ick me out but it's exciting because Mae is all ready for the tooth fairy. Tooth fairy will bring something cute for the first tooth then its just cash lol.

Ok so since Im on borrowed time and Mae has to be picked up really soon Im going to try to sneek a look at others blogs. I do miss reading my friends blogs and I miss blogging. Maybe Ill get my friends kid to hook my computer up at home and ill offline blog and then later flood you with stuff...eh maybe not lol

Anyways hope everyone is well and happy because we're almost shitting sunshine at our house ha ha not really but we're pretty darn good!

bills

bills are paid, have a couple to pay on my next check and then just keep paying on the credit cards. good lord nothing but bills bills bills lol but at least i have a job to pay for them and all the extra curiiculars that i want lol.

anyways i just wanted to hop on and see if i could see updates from friends before i head home but blogger hates me and says im following nothing lol.

so back to my house i go and cry cuz im broke now lol but christmas is gotten for mae and all thts left is cheapo stocking stuffers and life is good.

have a great one 11-28-2011

quickie

Had to come to the library to get my work schedule so i figured id jump over here and wish everyone a happy turkey day and i hope that dawn gets well, cable gets turned back quick for brenda and those who deserve it get exactly what they deserve.

Still enjoying the house, had a party the other night and Mae had a freakin blast! Kids to play with, music to dance to and a late night snack!

Seriously....the only thing that would make life better is a winning lotto ticket so I didnt have to work so freakin much lol.

Anyways time to go get the kid from school. Hope all is well with everyone!

quickie

Gave the kid the day off and now we're sitting at my mom n dads house. they needed me to put something in the swap sheet and i havnt given the laptop back yet lol.

waiting to see about an interview at work. hopefully i get the interview. i am quite confident in myself at this moment for the interview. the confidence ends there though lol im afraid of change and will have to work hard if i get the job. so im hoping for the job and yet not lol.

i am so greatful that i am as well adjusted as i am because i have it so good. ive got friends, family, love, a car, a home, a job, food in the fridge, a healthy kid and the list just goes on and on. Yes i have the nastiness of depression that rears its head full force occasionally but at least i am able to deal with it.

ive lost enough weight that while if i lost another 10 to 2o pounds i would be crazy skinny but i wouldnt be able to maintain it. So im not worried about losing anymore weight because well i look good lol. when people gasp and exclaim when they see you lol you know you did good lol.

I am greatful that i don't have to live my life online, i feel bad for those who have nothing for a life but online but you reap what you sow and you have to live with it.

heres to a great weekend and to all those actually living life no matter how rough we have it at times!

Alive

I feel kinda like crap so it's a mental health day. Paid the electric bill and then paid my library fine. Soon Ill be back home to sleep. I am sooo tired and i have no idea why lol.

Life is good, the basement rocks for partying. You can dance and everything down there lol.

Kiddo is good, still driving me nuts with all the questions she asks.

Work is good, thinking Im going to interview for a new position and if that doesn't happen I will interview for yet another position lol.

House is filthy lol I really need to clean the bathroom and swiffer the shit out of the kitchen floor. Though I do think the smell we were smelling was the rugs cuz i dont smell jack now.

Did i mention im tired lol. Ok so nothing new to report except damn those pork tenderloins are freaking awesome!

borrowed

so i should have been grocery shopping right now but my friend had an emergency and so im sitting watching 2 kiddos. My friend is so nice that she even turned the laptop on for me to fart around on lol.

I had 3 wonderful days and nights off work this past weekend. Hell I even had a night without Mae. Yes I got fucked up lol. Once again the guys in my life came through and funded a night out. Which turned into going back to my house for beer and dominoes. God we had a good time. We were loud,drunk, rowdy, and then we were just fucked lol. Since Mae wasn't there i got to sleep til almost noon. What a wonderful way to start the day!

Saturday night we went to church and then trunk or treating. Mmmm candy lol. After all that fun I put Mae to bed and since I had such a long night the night before I decided to xanex and ambien so my butt would go to bed. Well I went to bed all right. Except I think I need a stronger ambien cuz i keep waking up and even the vibration of my text messages wakes me up.

Mr. Awesome is my late night friend lol. And what a friend he is lol. Im talking move the bed across the floor, leave ya bruised from tossing me around the bed lol. The only problem is lol i have to run away and hide for 10 minutes to get him to go ni ni lol. He thinks im banging lol but i think thats cuz im an old lady and hes a young stud lol. Ooo its so nice to have a good booty call with nothing to worry about except being awake when the call comes lol. If i miss it oh well lol Im totally enjoying the 2 to 3 hours of goodness lol.

I had to just bite the fucking bullet cuz i love my friend and call my mother, I have not spoken to her in over a month. Not one word, one text, anything! Soooo i opened up the fucking door. Not happy about that lol but im going to have to keep backed off if i can help it.

My dad gave me my credit card yesterday and didnt like it lol. Sorry i have shit i need money for lol and i just dont have it. Soooooo im going to have to be real real careful about using it for nonessentials.

Life is really good on my end. Yay me lol (this blog was written a week or two ago and blogger wouldnt let me post it lol)

In need of a break!

Please please please someone come and steal my kiddo for a day or two! I am in need of a break. She's 5 years old and all 5 year olds do is run there mouth ALOT lol. No matter how late you put her to bed she is up at the butt crack of dawn lol.

I keep debating about calling or emailing the kids dad but everyone tells me the same thing and I have to believe it. It's not worth the hassle. I am sick to death of having to explain to Mae though why her donor doesnt come see her.

Then I realize that if he even cared about her one little bit he would get a cab to get her, he would furnish food for her and he would make an effort. Hell my parents are even on my side in this one. I mean it isn't my responsibility to make sure she is fed or gets over there. Its my responsibility to let her go if and when he decides to show up.

But then again when talking about it last night with my friend she reminded me of all the reasons why I'm greatful he doesn't get her. I don't have to go through with the name calling, the threats of not getting her back, the possibility of having to call the police to get involved.

So as it stands life at my house is stressed lol but thanks to friends that come over and friends that have kids coming over we do all right. Thankfully with my job I am able to afford the little things in life lol.

The direct tv though is going to mean I have to probably stop smoking lol. Maaaan I really hate when I have to stop smoking lol. Thankfully Im a cheap drunk and a bottle of wine can last for more than a day lol.

The truth hurts more than anyone can ever know and that makes people bitter and angry. Though lol i do love how people still believe everything they are told online lol.

Its been almost a month since Ive actually spoken with my mother and life is great. I miss her sometimes but then its just like the ex I dont have to deal with any of the shit that comes out of both their mouths when they don't hear what they want.

My sister is pissed off at me because I told my daughter the truth of the matter that my sister is not her mother but is her guardian that she knew me her whole life as her mother. Now Im supposed to never contact them again. Ok fine but eventually she's going to want to know whats up with us. Hell my sister even took me off facebook.

The best thing about being blocked by people is that you don't have to look at their lies, issues, hypocrisy, and their need to make the world think everything is perfect.

I have had perfect moments in my life but nothing is ever perfect. Thankfully for me I don't have to hide behind anyone else, I dont have to hide from my own mistakes, I dont have to lie to myself and others just so i can be the victim.

On the work front things are going great! I have customers who look for me, my priest comes through all the time, and the managers like that Im constantly smiling and doing my best. Ok so Im still lazy lol but I do do my job and have even had several of the csm's tell me they think I would make a good one. So I guess now I have to decide do I want to be lazy and just be a cashier or do I want to actually move up the ladder and see where that takes me.

All I know is that besides having a nonstop running commentary from Mae life is good. There arent many extras but hey thats ok because we live in a nice, clean house that is ours and we are doing ok!

Aughh! Its my life

As we all know I have depression and right now it's trying to rear its ugly head. I have no idea why except to think it's all the stress of moving and getting settled, the newish job, the having a mortgage you know life! Nothing is seriously wrong Im just a little out of control right now but Im working on it. Pretty sobering when you realize you had to much fun and didn't save money for bills. Luckily though for me I started putting money into the bank when I first got the house. So Im up about a hundred that will help with the bills.





Mae is having issues at school because of her freaking pants and the fact that she doesn't have a problem with her butt crack showing. I have to get some money from my dad out of my money so after school today we can go running all over hell and back to try and find pants that are elastic waist for her.





I let a friend come back over and he tried to take control of my house. Um hello no! I just got out of that situation lol youre not turning my house into whatever you think you can turn it into. Thats our house, me and Mae.





I think what would help is if I would just go ahead and hook my computer up in the living room and blog offline just so I have a place to put stuff lol.





Though I do admit to feeling better after I F bombed the fuck out of dish network and their people. Tell me how the fuck other people get dish on my street with trees in their yard but I cant. Oh guess what directv works...so i went with them and it costs me less the only thing i dont get is tv in the basement. Thats ok cuz I cant find the damn remote for that tv lol.





I keep meeting inappropriate men lol. Love em but man they are young. Like 25 to 27 lol what the hell is up with that lol. Oh well.





Life isnt horrible and nothing is wrong just a case of the poor me's or some shit lol. Thankfully work is good. I am such a WM girl it's unreal lol. Still liking my job, still doing decent, hell Ive had 2 csm's tell me I would make a good csm...hello a whole extra dollar for a whole lotta headache...but fortunatly i have to be there 6 months before i can apply. Im thinking Ill be ok lol.





Ok so now its time to read blogs and see if my dad has my moolah lol hope everyone is happy and doing ok.

Yet another rant

It's been over a year since Mae has seen or spoken to her dad. Lately though she is bringing him up more and more. She wants to see him, she knows/remembers going to his place for the weekend. She is being mean to me and my friend sometimes about us not taking her and how we have to take her.

I am sick sick sick SICK to death of having to explain to my kiddo the reason why she doesn't see him. She doesn't understand that he is a selfish prick who has no concern for anything other than himself and what makes his life good. I explained to her that mommy told your dad that he had to come pick you up, drop you off, and feed you while you were there. She doesn't get why he isn't coming to pick her up!

How the hell am I supposed to explain it to her when I don't even get why a man who lives in the same town just refuses to find a friend, or pony up cab fare to come get her! I never NEVER said he couldn't see her. I just outlined the ways he could go about seeing her. Because obviously we do not communicate effectivly if at all.

Im just getting tired of having to watch her as she tries to comprehend why someone she obviously loves and feels a need to be around wont come see her. Hell even my dad is making an effort to see her. Next week when she's out of school he is coming to take her to lunch. And thats her grandpa but her dad can't do shit to see her?

Its good to know and sad at the same time that my stopping the bullshit of enabling him showed him for who he is, unfortunatly Mae has to deal with it.

Ok rant over! The house is still rocking out! We now have tv lol but I have to get cable before Thanksgiving since Im having thanksgiving at my house lol. Finally got off my ass and sent in all the paperwork for trying to get daycare assistance through the state. If that comes through then woohooo ill have an extra $300 a month and that will go A LONG WAY to all those extras we all want.

Brenda....i read your blogs and just didnt have enough time to comment on all of them. Bottom line is hes a doucebag who is totally getting everything he deserves and the next chick who he gets to live with him will definitly be an eye opener for him because i dont think there is anyone as understanding and nice enough to stick it out like you did.

Ok time to go read a couple more blogs and to get home. It's field trip day and of course I have the day off so Mama has to go to the pumpkin farm! Mama is having a nice big glass of wine with our leftover chili tonight lol.

Oh yeah and I joined Golds Gym for two months with a gift certificate lol. So now I have no excuse to go home and go back to bed lol. Plus they have a play area for kids so if I can get unlazy on Saturday I can go use their elipticals and Mae can play. Seriously lol id be home sleeping now if I hadnt had to go to a meeting at work.

Have a great one everyone!

House is great, kid is great, dishes are done, I need a swiffer and a rake and a shovel. My dad is bringing the vaccum today , the living room is clean, there are no clothes in drawers yet lol i lost my ambien and ive only drunk 3 bottles of wine. And not all by myself.

The booty call is crazy as fuck lol but thats ok because he's an idiot who is convient for the moment.

My friends are slowly making there way to my house and loving it. The mother is staying away and not calling me.

I still want to know where the other money is that was left over from the grandpa money. Because if it was 14 grand and they only had to put up 12 grand that means theres money. Why cant i have that money!

Still no cable no internet. Had to bring a movie back to the library so I decided to hit the computer. I use my phone but not as often as I would a computer. Facebook sucks but hey I have a house, wine, and everything else I need.

My kids happy, she loves her house and room. Her friend came over yesterday and they are both excited about 2 beds in her room so they can have sleep overs.

I have other friends coming over this week and eventually im just gonna put it out on facebook that its time to party bring some booze cuz I can't afford it and lets drink lol. Bring your kids let them play, dont get to drunk, and if you do better make sure you brought blankets and pillows cuz my bed doesnt sleep more than 3 lol.

And thats it in a nutshell.

Home sweet home

This is going to be real quick because im at the library and I have to go get Mae. The house is fabulous and we are totally loving it. Unfortunatly right now I am nursing a hangover and lack of sleep because well ya gotta christen a house lol. So we drank, had a good time, and then Evan came over lol.

Yup a good time was had by miss heather and poor evan, well if you dont get off before Im ready to pass the fuck out lol then to bad so sad lol. he really is kind of a doucebag lol but i find him very amusing and well hey i want a house to myself and him lol cuz yup it would be on like donkey kong!

Im slowly getting unpacked, my mom is pissed at me cuz of how im moving, and shes just like that in general. i dont care ive lefter her alone now she should leave me alone lol.

Well not much else to say except work work work and bills bills bills and i have food in the house finally!

Eventually Ill be back back but for now ive wasted the half hour before Mae gets out of school lol. Have a great one!

It's a mad mad world

As you know my mom and I had a HUGE blow up. Today it went to a new level of insanity! We had the final walk through of the house and I even put a pic up on facebook. After that my mom and dad are all like we have to talk to you.

Oh what the fuck now? Seriously isn't everything all fucked up as it is? So it seems that the amount of money needed for this deal lol didn't quite take up all of my inheritance. They came up with a plan for the rest of the money. While I wouldn't mind having more money lol I do like their plan. They thought they should get me a big flat screen tv for the new house. Yup I'll take it! However...isn't there always a however? However, my muffler/exhaust is making seriously bad noises and it should be fixed before winter. Especially since my new garage is in the alley and Iowa gets winter. So my dad says I should be able to get the tv and my muffler fixed.

Did I mention that my house payment is so low I can afford cheap cable? No net, but cable would be nice lol.

So later this afternoon my mother calls me. Considering the way things have been, even with the tv announcement, I choose to not answer the call. She called a little later and I again chose to not answer the call. I have voicemail and text if she really needs something. Well she wants me to call her. Dutiful daughter that I am, yes thats partial sarcasm, I called her back and more insanity.

She wants to know if Mae and I want to go out to dinner with her. Maybe go look at the tv blah blah. Then next thing I know she's crying because Mae and I are moving out and blah blah...seriously you were just bitching me out 2 days ago.

The new garage is getting put up and things are changing all over the place for everyone. Tomorrow the work starts and it sucks. Maybe after its all said and done I'll be more excited but right now all this does is make me want to puke lol.

Yes I'm excited but the sheer weight of the responsibility sucks. Before I could fuck up, I was young enough to have time to make up for it. Now..nope I have to be more of a grown up then the kid I am lol. But that's ok because so far it's not been a bad gig. The pay is much better too lol.

I'm a little crazier then usual right now and poor Dawn has gotten the calls. I figured call the sick girl try to cheer her up with my insanity. Ohh and she's really nice about letting me be a big whiny ass lol.

Anyways the library has the net, my phone gets facebook, and I have text lol. I won't be too far away lol but its going to be a whole new ride. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Not even close

I am not even close to being packed up. Hell as it is Thursday afternoon will be the last at home online I get for awhile. Unless of course I can figure out how to swing 20 bucks a month and go with the phone company's high speed net. But right now I'm afraid to go that route because I don't know exactly how much a change this is going to be in the money. Hell as it is lol all we are going to have is a dvd player for tv. I am not spending money on a converter box and dealing with all those issues. We can just live without tv for a little while. It definitly won't kill us.

I havn't even picked out my paint yet. I do have a new red garbage can...though no bags for it yet lol. I am all kinds of unorganized and not ready for this move lol. So basically tomorrow I need to make a big huge mess in the living room with all the laundry. Then make an even bigger mess out of mine and Mae's rooms just to get rid of stuff and to get ready to go.

Lucky for us we really don't have a lot of stuff. We have clothes, beds, a computer desk, computer and tv, and of course dishes. But really we don't have much of anything. It will be a pretty easy move. The hardest part will be painting the walls. I'm thinking that if we move all my shit over Saturday then we will be there Saturday lol even if it's not finished lol.

I'm not ready for this. I mean I am but it brings up so many emotions. Then the whole division of Grandpa's stuff. Yes i know it's not my stuff...but damn it lol it's my stuff. We are all psycho over that man lol, life or death he still gets to all of us. He was loved!

Work is going good. So good in fact that at least 2 sets of customers remember me and liked me enough to give me shit cuz i wasn't all bouncy lol. Ive got shit on my mind lol give me a break lol.

The boyfriend became a non boyfriend due to his own stupidity. It took Mae a couple weeks to notice he wasn't around. So that's all good. I've picked up a booty call but it's the worst booty call in the history of booty calls lol. He somehow thinks its ok for him to call me to come get him to have monkey sex at 2am. Ok if I didn't have the kid...cool, if i didnt have to work..cool...but um i am not wasting my gas for booty lol. If you got to drunk to drive your ass over for hot wild monkey sex then too bad so sad! I'm not chasing that. Though it was very flattering to listen to what he had to say all i could do was laugh. He's 27 and he could be fun lol if he can get his shit together lol.

Ok so what shouldn't have bummed me out just totally bummed me out. I lost my plates! Damn it i know all of the stuff here isn't mine but seriously theres a plate my mom is giving my sister and it pisses me off. My mom is seriously standing here ranting next to me and giving me a real hard time about this shit and shes talking to me about how i should be thanking her because of everything. I am not allowed to feel what i feel. I cant even have my own emotions and leave and stop something she follows me. I have thanked her and thanked her im not going to debase myself any further!

I am sooo fucking tired of all these fucking bullshit games my mom plays. Fuck seriously? And then tell me how to live in my house, what i can do in my house and what i should do and just be a bitch to me. She went without she this she that. She didn't do or say anything because it required an effort. Hell you want me to kiss your ass you better think again. I have said thank you. I had to be yelled at over 6 dollars and I had/have to repay 700 bucks that was actually mine to begin with!

I am going to miss that plate! The dishes are hard for me to part with because I used them my whole life. My mom says that means nothing because she used them too blah blah...um it is something to me and Im important. If anyone needs to be thanked its Grandpa because he's the one who worked all those years at John Deere to provide for his family! So thank you Grandpa for my new house!

Ok now im so pissed lol that i lost my train of thought. I'll probably have to blog tomorrow too because there are going to be words at this house! Words I tell you!!!

And im supposed to be excited lol

still

sore as fuck, think im still drunk, need sleep and details well lets just say at one point i had my pants round my knees outside lol

too damn early

happy birthday me! boy in the bed, dont remember the walk into the house, lost my clothes(still cant find them), drank a shit ton. Took a dare and now my lips are swollen i look like a fucking real housewife lol.

so yeah moms mad at me cuz i had some guy here and we had a fire and blah blah. fuck it i dont care cuz i just found out that i have to give up more stuff cuz my sister might want it...whatever fuck it i dont care.

im hungover lol leave me alone lol gonna eat then throw a movie in for mae and take a big ol mama nap on the couch lol.

did i mention there was a boy in my bed lol

EXHAUSTED

It has been one long fucking day! All day at cattle congress...google it if you want to a history lesson lol. Its the fair and Mae isn't a baby anymore!

That lil shit wanted to go on all the spinny rides! AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM! I screwed up on one of them because its been like 20 years since I went on rides lol but the one she really wanted to go on there was no way in HELL I was going on. Ive been on it once and that was enough and that was like 24 years ago since I went on it! We did not go!

Sadly i think one of the ride operators has something shady scary wrong going on with him. he creeps me out so bad i want to find out the hiring process for the carnival. Cuz this guy just was screaming pedophile to me. Yes i know thats profiling/sterotyping...but seriously if you would have seen him you might be thinking like me.

I am not getting on another ride forever! OMG I am too old for rides lol.

Basically the day went like this...start waking up at the ass crack of dawn because i hear my dad get up to start getting ready for work, later wake up at quarter after ass crack of dawn and am still up. Dealt with my mother and suceeded in not having world war 0802397 over wrinkles and her issue with them and my refusal to say i think her opinion is the correct way. her world not mine not my issue lol, drop her off, and a 12 minute oil change place turned into almost 3 hours with Mae, 89 bucks later and a future bill of almost 900 bucks later, and totally not the timetable i wanted to be on later we spend almost 4 full hours doing the rides, eat, do more rides, eat again, see the animals, pony ride, cowboy hat, and light up sword later we have movies and im exhausted lol.

if every fucked up day could end up like this I wouldnt have a problem lol. Cuz maaan today sucked for me and was the biggest blast Mae has ever had! Next year is really going to suck lol Im paying a kid to take Mae lol gonna cost me a grip lol but at least i wont have to worry about my stomach being where it started at lol

OMG OMG LOL

Hello from the land of wonderful intoxicatedness. Yes I'm sure that's a word; maybe I just made it up, but it's a word lol.

So lots of good and bad shit is going on in my world at the moment. Yes, karma is going to bite me in the ass for it; but the bank Of Dad has a grand that will get me out of whatever mess I get into lol.

I havn't officially broken up with the boyfriend but it definitly is in the works. I just can't do this. I love him to pieces but right now...sadly.. there isn't room for him in my life. That or I'm not willing to to let him have room in my life. Either way...I'm doing what's best for me! I'd like to stay friends; but only time will tell if he can be a friend or has to be one of those nice people I had to leave behind.

Ok so I got a shit ton of money today. Four grand is a lot of money when you have my name lol. I did the first of like 3 irresponsible things with the money tonight lol. Which in turn led to the realization that um hello Sunday is MY BIRTHDAY!!

Well my mom is completly worried because yes I do go overboard lol. But I'm going to blame Kimmi because she said is that the plan lol. Then I can blame Shayla cuz she said she'd come out for one lol. So now Tammy is going to be my DD and her kiddo is going to do the babysitting and after work on Saturday we are going for some tasty ass margaritas!

Ok so now to the part of the drunken mess that is Heather lol. I decided to call Brenda! Even after talking to Dawn previously about why Brenda doesn't get the drunken heather call lol. So I decided I'm calling Brenda. Yeah...um that didn't work out so well lol. I got her daughter instead who wasn't at home lol. To me they sound very much alike...sorry Brenda for drunk dialing your kiddo! Was soo not my intention. But the message stands lol your a butt for not having the phone lol.

Ok so I'm telling you everything was so good today and there is no way I can go on because OMG the drinks rocked and my birthday is Sunday and Im having rockin drinks Saturday! Time to celebrate my house, my birthday, and another begining in the story that is Heather!

Another Hat

Well from the furious blog posting I've been doing today you know a lot is going on in my life. Some good and some not so good. Well today yet another good happened.

The only reason people don't work is because they don't want to. There were jobs that I refused to do that would pay me a shit ton of money but there was no way I would do them. Well where I work now the can room is the shit job. Um hello all you do is empty the containers, reset the containers, and deal with grumpy ass people cuz youre slow. PLUS I'll still get paid my regular pay to do it.

So it's not a promotion but it is something that can add several hours to each week I work. Yes Ill be nasty and gross BUT I won't have to worry about getting 12 hours on a schedule. Hell I can even go and push cart for the same amount of money. Hello its all about making money. Sure I'd rather cashier for 8 hours a day but if I can't get that the house I'm buying is way more important so I'll smell like stale beer for a while lol.

Its not like I didnt smell like a nasty sandwhich for two years lol.

I'm doing all I can to make sure this happens and god knows I want this to happen. Now to get my butt back to church a little more often; even if it is just a day during the week and not on Sunday!

One last thing

Did I happen to mention that my dad is working first shift this week and I don't have to work til like 430 this afternoon. It is currently 934am. I have the house all to myself.

My friend/daycare is picking Mae up from school and I have many many hours to be by myself. I am soon getting off this box and going to do my favorite thing when I'm alone!

Sleep watch a movie! Get all comfy in bed and not have to listen to anyone say something about me just being lazy. I'm sorry I like to be lazy. My shit's all done let me have my time.

It really isnt very often that I am this alone lol. So when I am I want to just chill as much as heatherly possible.

And I am on my way to do just that. Money isn't just the root of all evil, it's the root of depression too. It might not make you happy but it sure does relieve stress when you get a little coming in.

Remember that blog

So yeah remember that blog I did a couple back that said if I had a check come in the mail I'd be ok? Well Um Yeah! I'm getting a check in the mail but it isn't for a little bit of money. It's big money! It's money to fix my car, get stuff for the house, take my kid to the fair, go out to eat once, and still save some money back.

My mom thinks I'm going to blow this money but really I can't! I have things that have to be done with this money and I really don't think going out to eat once and going to the fair is going to be that much money. The car will be big money and that has to be done. For me to keep getting to and from work I need my car. Granted its going to take about 800 bucks to fix my car...I can fix my car!!! One less worry.

Ive been worried about money lately. Thats why I havn't been blogging because while things are good the money is tight. And it's stressfull and I just have been holding it in. Thanks to this check I will be able to breathe. Hell I can even get cable right away lol. Maaaan I was worried because I have a back electric bill to pay and I was going to do it this check which was going to mean another two tight weeks with money. So I'm paying off every bill I have with this check and when tax time rolls around that money will be free money! That money will be money to hold back to pay my mortgage with so I have extra money through the year.

I can breathe again! Time to get excited.....oh and did I mention my birthday is coming up lol

Here we go

So I'm pretty sure that I've decided to end the relationship with the bf. Ok so I have decided to end it, I just havn't explained it to him yet. I could have done it yesterday but I chickened out. I'd still date him, but I don't want to be his gf anymore. I have my own needs and I have my own concerns and I just really don't have time to listen to someone other than Mae whine.

I have lots going on in my life and at this time I think I'm more cut out for dating and not a relationship. Too much work in a relationship and seriously I need to concentrate on the important stuff. I mean seriously who lets a doctor tell you that you may have had a mild heart attack and not insist they hook you up to the machines to find out? Yeah I'm not into that kind of drama. You want someone to feel sorry for you go talk to your Mama cuz I'm not that kind of girl.

Mae is having issues at school like noones business. She is very unruly and doesn't do what she's supposed to. As it is she spends everyday after school in her room because she couldn't get a good day or a fair day on her daily report. The problem is she just doesn't care. She thinks it's funny or something. So her consequences at 5 yrs old is that she can stay in her room and only come out to eat and she is limited to how many times she can go to the bathroom. I hate being mean mama but this has got to get under control.

The house! Ohhh the house! It is coming! It's coming It's coming It's coming! September 30th is the day I go to close on it! Then a couple hours later I go to work lol. I may be able to get into the house before the actual closing to do cleaning and maybe if I'm lucky some painting. Did I mention my room is this god awful color lol. I need to start pricing stuff when I'm on break at work so I can try to get a swiffer and other cleaning supplies. I need a garbage can and I really want to find a hamper with 3 bins that way we can just sort as we take off our clothes.

Life is moving along and I'm not in a horrible place. I just wish my mother would be able to let go. I have this huge fear that she's going to try to be at my house telling me how dirty it is and how crappy im doing with it. Hell everyone thinks I keep this house clean except her. So yeah thats my issue lol.

Now all i need to do is go fulltime at work and life will be all gravy!

Perfect Cocktail

I have found the perfect cocktail for when you have no ambien and want to sleep soundly. I really like to sleep and sometimes I have serious issues shutting my brain off so that I can go to sleep. The past two nights I've knocked my ass out with the perfect cocktail.

I get uninterrupted sleep and wake up feeling pretty good. 2 xanex and 2 ibuprophen pm's to chase away the aches and pains from working and help putting my brain to relax mode. It's been working. The only thing it doesn't work through is a bad case of gas and then it's ok because your phone is going off with a text lol. Nothing like a lil buzzing to catch your attention lol.

The house. I am so stressed out over it and come to find out...um as long as the appraisel comes through in our favor I have a house! I have to come up with the money to pay off a small back bill at the utility company(maybe a check for 125 bucks will show up in my mail lol); then I'd only have to come up with 11 bucks lol.

I'm working my ass off. Getting this new job gave me work hours. Maybe not 40 but enough hours to keep me out of trouble and off the streets lol. I actually like my job and am doing pretty good at it. I'm learning lil tricks that if I'd have known before a couple days ago wouldn't have left me standing around like a dumbass lol. But the dumbass moves are decreasing with every hour I clock in.

The boyfriend irritated the shit out of me. To the point that we're back to dating; i think, and we dont have any plans to see each other until the 21st because that's the next day off we both have that's together. Got drunk and let loose on him. He pissed me off. He was being a whiny ass and I'm just not into that. Hell if I'm not being a whiny ass then don't expect me to ALWAYS listen to you be whiny.

I'm just going to let that either work out or fizzle out because I have other things I can focus on. Things that won't make me go aww fuck why'd I answer that text/call?

Today was Grandparents day at Mae's school and they had a mass for them and special people. We took my Aunt with us and then had rolls in the church basement. It was very nice of her to come with us. I drove her by the new house and told her she'd have to come over for dinner after we got moved in. I'm really only like less than 3 minutes from her house lol.

Mae is having her usual issues. We are trying reward/punishment with her. She just doesn't care though. So now we are onto no dessert unless you get all smiley faces as a report on your daily chart. She's playing in the toilet water with toilet paper, drinking from the water table, not resting, not not not....if we are very unlucky she will end up in the school for kids with special needs. She's smart but she just doesn't want to do what is expected of her.

One day at work this week my ex sister in law came through my line and after chit chatting with me had the nerve to ask if there hard feelings. Hell yes there are duh but i told her yup but I'd still smile, sack her shit nicely and give her a good expierence.

It's getting around that I'll trade shifts and pick up shifts because I worked all week to get to my day off today because of a trade. Not only did I get Friday off I gained an hour or so of work. Yay me!

My coworkers and supervisors seem to like me. They tell me I'm doing a good job. I didn't think I'd like the job but I do lol. I am a WM girl and as the shifts go on the mistakes are less and less. I'm doing good with my items per hour; so far I havn't fallen below like 98%. I usually end up between 99 and 100 for the night. Depending on how many times I have to wait on a supervisor for something that either wasn't my fault or I didn't know about but now I do.

I've been reading blogs. Brenda's blog though didn't show up for several days and then when it did I was flooded. All I'm wondering is how he works for human services and still qualifies for the housing and stuff. Brenda I feel ya about the rolls of money and nails and stuff. With my food stamps being cut down I have to budget better and I watch people with multiple cards get truckloads of bullshit. What happened to actually cooking for your kids? Anyways not my problem cuz I know the food stamps I work hard for are at least being used responsibly by some people.

Dawn you didn't wake me up it was the horrible gas. I think I must have had horrible gas so I could text you back in my hazy phase lol.

I think right now I'm not blogging as much as I should be because when I get home from work I just really want to eat and put my feet up. Hell I havnt even brought up the laundry from downstairs in 2 weeks. Tomorrow I think I'm going to get every scrap of clothing I can find and wash it and then figure out what to do with it.

I also broke the lawnmower this week and then turned around and did a shitty job with the riding lawn mower; plus I still have to get the pool taken down, and you know mom has to get me to clean the house.

Nothing is wrong in my world I just want to vent a bit and let it out, but it seems so trivial compared to whats going on with other people. So basically I've been reading book after book after book and hiding out in bejeweled and farmville. Trying to keep a low profile lol.

But I did go to church today, took communion, prayed as best I could for people and Mae and myself. I know I left some out but not on purpose and thankfully God knows what's in our hearts.

Oh and my nephew got bit in the back 3 times at daycare yesterday. You could see the six sets of teeth. Then today found out they told his mom it was his fault because he couldn't walk well. Um hello he's a year old and he just got over a broken leg. How the hell do you blame a year old on that. So hopefully they will start taking him to my friends daycare.

My daycare friend is almost ready to get her shit with the state in so that I can apply for help with that. And so far my job is giving me the hours. I just have to go and figure out how to get fulltime. Though I don't think that will be too hard considering my attitude at work. The senior cashiers tell me I'm good with customers and when I told a supervisor ooo you want me to do my job she just laughed and said right but you know some people lol.

So everything is as good as it gets in my world. I'm just trying not to jinx it and I'm trying to figure out the stress of this house and the stress of do I really need a boyfriend, do I want a friend, a fuck buddy,or what the hell. Cuz right now my priorities are pretty straight...kid, work, bills and those are fairly interchangable for first place.

Whewww did that catch you up lol. Sorry to disappoint there is no Wheres Heather book currently in the making because hell who has time lol.

Ok so I think I've filled you in lol I'll try to not be a stranger but maaan I just don't have the energy to sit down and just vent. Though I should do it once a day just so I don't clog up with shit lol.

Xanex

Xanex has been a life saver these past two days. I worked 5 days in a row and then got lucky and had two off in a row. Do you think I got to chill? Hell no lol my life goes at a million miles an hour. If people didn't know better you would think I was all gacked out on meth. Hell as it is I'm not gacked out on anything lol. Well mom did buy a big bottle of wine the other night lol. But sometimes you have to drink a big bottle of wine lol.

Because my ex boss had fax troubles and such Mae and I have been denied food and medical assistance through the state. HOPEFULLY the fax that went through today got filled out and faxed back because it's almost time for that all important shot. Though if I were to end up pregnant lol the only person who would be thrilled is Mae lol she wants a brother and she wants my boyfriend to marry me. Yes she told him that lol.

So anyways working on Tuesday I get a phone call telling me the dentist had a cancellation for Wednesday. Hell yes I want it! I need to get there before my insurance ends. THEN I had to run all over hell and back to get court orders of the child support and official documents showing that the kids dad has been paying child support. Then if that wasn't bad enough lol there was the phone call from hell and another dentist appointment today to have fillings put in and fixed.

Thank god I took the 1pm appointment because I went through hell again today for this home loan. Earlier though in my rush to get to the courthouse, get Mae to school, and to the bank...I was a bad bad mama! I forgot to feed Mae breakfast! WTF seriously lol. Lucky for us the school offers breakfast and she was fed and tomorrow she will eat breakfast there since I have to work at 9 in the morning.

After I get to the bank and start giving her my stuff I ask her if she got the check. OMG i thought i lost a $300 check, luckily it was stuck to some papers in my folder. Signed all kinds of papers so they could keep processing the loan and get the appraiser out there.

So two days in a row Xanex has saved my stressed ass lol. AND THEN....i know can you believe there is more lol.

Remember how I said that just because Mae and I are ready for him to live with us he has to be? Well today on the website I met him on I put as a status: Life just keeps moving on and maaan its moving fast! Home ownership on the horizon!!

I come back later and find out that his reply is want a roommate? WTF what has changed lol. Not that I would have a problem living with him but seriously this is a big change in his attitude. I talked to him and talked to him to try and figure out what was going on in his head. Then I emphasised several times that before he can seriously consider living with us he has to be ready to be a Dad. Because this is all about Mae, not her mommy having a live in. If he moves in he will be becoming her dad because Im not going to live with a man who thinks he has no responsibility to me or my kid. So he's thinking about it, hard. Im sure we will make the right decision especially since he said he wasnt talking about the minute i move in lol.

Then while I was at the library today killing time I get a phone call from the bank needing information from my new job. Called HR an was on hold for a half hour and they had no idea what the hell i was talking about. So i had to log onto a computer and make another call and FINALLY i got the information my mortgage lady needs.

Thank god that I'm not crazy and the stress and anxiety can be taken care of with medication. But damn Im not used to having to use it daily lol. Oh and from my understanding this should be 99% done in 14 business days.

Holy fuck buckets....my life acts like its on speed and i just cant keep up lol. But ooo it looks like everything is going to work out and Mae and I will be in our own house for the holidays and it will be just us and we will see how we interact as a family of 2.

Hope everyone else is taking care of themselves and being good to themselves! For most of you the week is almost over mine is just starting up again lol.

Closer

OMG seriously the hoops that I have had to jump through to even get to this point are amazing. Add to that my selfishness in asking people with troubles in their own lives to add me to their prayer list it's even greater. Then remember somewhere, maybe Dawn's blog, I asked about divine intervention. Well I'm going to take it as some sort of divine intervention because the other night at work Father David from my church came through my line.

Yesterday we consumed a BIG bottle of wine because of some of those hoops. They had to send out for a supplimental credit report because of my stupid student loan that I have been too poor to have payments set on. Equifax needed to do a conference call with me because they were unable to get any answers from my insurance and sell phone provider. Add to that Progressive who I just dropped last year because they raised my rates.

It was PRICELESS the amount of times I watched my mother's jaw drop when she found out that yes when I said I was paying my bills lol I was actually paying my bills....ON TIME no less lol. Ooo it was great lol she even admitted she thought I hadnt been paying on time. Hey I don't blame her, with as much partying as I was able to do. But as my friend said today...you've always budgeted what you had. And if I only had 10 bucks that meant I only had 10 bucks lol.

The worst part about the calls was the guy had an accent and some of the people we talked with on speaker didn't understand him and I had to interrupt for them lol. Then at Progressive they couldn't find any information about me. I was with them for 5 years up til September. I made several folders awhile ago in my email because I got tired of trying to delete stuff and keep important stuff. Thank god I saved one email from progressive with my policy number and bam we were on our way lol.

So today I fell to the floor right outside the bathroom door after a phone call. I was getting ready to go to a dental appointment and my dad and I were talking. At this point in time....I have preapproval for my loan! They have to have it appraised but we're thinking that that won't be a problem because the loan is a very small amount....Ok not that small but in the housing market a small amount.

Today I had to go running all over hell and back; which I'll be doing tomorrow as well, to get the many pieces of paper we needed. Had to go to child support recovery to get a record of the payments that the kids dad has consistantly paid. It's the one thing I can thank him for! Tomorrow I have to go back to the court house and get a copy of the actual court order for the child support. I found my diploma from college along with my transcripts; yet another thing I'm glad I actually kept lol.

Sooo it looks like I owe EVERYONE a big thank you for putting aside your own lives for the moments that you took to think of Mae and I and for your positive influence and thoughts sent out. Because we are soooooo close to having this house.

This house is perfect! This house is the one Mae loves. We love it and for the two of us it will be great! Not huge or anything but perfect for my little family. Ooooo I am trying to not get too excited because whenever I get excited something happens. But it's so perfect that if for some reason Katie wanted to spend an extended period of time with us...all we'd have to do is put a bed up in the basement for her because it's a beautiful basement that can be used as a family room, card room, drinking room....whatever we would need.

Thank you EVERYONE who thought good for us....it is appreciated....Now to get through the appraisal and finding insurance!

Sorry I've been absent but I havn't wanted to say anything because very superstitious am I lol I didnt want to jinx anything and I hope this didnt do that lol.

WOW!

I read and watch a ton of true crime. One of them that Ive been interested in and just got done rereading was about the West Memphis 3. 3 boys who were railroaded and convicted because they were into the wrong kind of music(my opinion). After seeing the documentaries and reading numerous book and articles about them today I got a shock.

I got online to check my email and it said they were released. I dont know them, Ive never written them, Ive only read about them and visited their website but I was whooping and hollering because they were finally freed!

Yes I agree with Jason that having to say they were guilty to get out was shitty and wrong and they should have just gotten a new trial. However he took Damien's life into consideration because the state of Arkansas was trying to put him to death and took the deal. The defense attorney was right on, in my opinon, that the state wouldnt have let them out if they thought they were guilty at this point.

But after all the publicity, all the public documents, all the appeals....and in the enlightened age of 2011(sarcasm) I agree that there is no way they could have retried these men because noone in their right mind could find them guilty and never should have!

Jesse's confession was so screwed up that he basically had to be lead by the hand to get to the right times and circumstances of the crime to get a confession. Worse yet is that he was denied legal counsel and add on top of that his mental capacity.

Ooo what a wonderful day for their families and friends! It may have taken nearly 20 years, but finally they are free and I hope that some day they are able to totally clear their names because I know I am not alone in my opinion of these men were railroaded and did not get a fair trial and now they finally can go home!

Many prayers were answered today and Im glad theirs was heard!

Maybe Monday

The bottom line is I have a new job! That and Mae have to be my focus! Today is Mae's first day of kindergarten. Though I got screwed out of my first day without her lol. She has a 1pm dr's appointment and my new glasses are in lol. Damn here I thought I was going to be able to come home, turn on tv and sleep for several hours lol. So maybe monday!

Monday....we all hate that day but for me Monday means only having to get through Tuesday to have a day off. I have 5 days straight at the new job because I picked up a shift already! Yay me! And then Monday is also the day we find out if we get a new house or not.

I appreciate everyone who is praying for us! Especially since we all have shit going on in our lives that makes it hard to have hope for ourselves let alone anyone else. St Joseph...funny how when Dawn brought him up we had a bit more hope. She brought him up to me on the 17th, my Uncle was a Joseph, and his birthday is the 17th of september lol. Um its really hard to not take this as a sign. Because we all know that just because its a sign doesnt mean its a good one.

I go to church and I pray for everyone else. The only thing I usually pray for for myself is help with being a better mother, daughter, friend, and girlfriend. I don't pray for things to happen for myself. I think this Sunday if I get to church(have to work Sunday) I will be praying for this to happen for Mae and me. It will make our lives that much better and will give me more purpose for getting my ass to work.

Though I must admit getting my ass to work isn't a problem. No matter the job I have always gotten myself to work. Sitting around on my ass and collecting a check for nothing isnt my thing. I was going crazy when I was on disability. Yeah getting a check every week was nice, but thats not the same as going out and actually earning money.

So today I am focused not on the loan that I am having a hard time holding onto faith and hope of getting, but on my new job! Focusing on the constants in my life. My crazy wonderful terror of a daughter who starts at her " catholic school" today, and the fact that I need to get fast on the register so I can get more hours at the new job! And to get good enough to not have a freakin trainer and be on my own!

Here's to Monday and everyone having a great weekend!

Happy Birthday!

So this is about 8 hours early for my girly and at least 3 hours early for Dawns girl...BUT happy birthday to the two beautiful birthday girls!

Two mothers who never knew what was in store for them, but totally love their kiddos even with all the trials n tribulations that have surrounded both stories!

Two beautiful girls share the same day and both are so special that they don't make helmets big enough for the situation! :)

Two girls who have brought love and joy to the lives of so many and both don't even know how much their lives have made others better!

So tonight instead of worrying about the BIG issue in my life at this moment...Im going to rejoice in the fact that Dawn and I have two beautiful girls who are celebrating a birthday tomorrow and be thankful that we have them in our lives!

Wednesday came early

Have I mentioned at all that he's a real man? Doesn't hit, doesn't scream, doesn't go ballistic and then comes over so we can talk and try to figure things out. Work things out. Get things back on track. Though I know some people have reading comprehension problems, to those I say go back and get your education.

He came over tonight and we talked, cuddled on the couch, talked about other stuff, untangled a necklace and went over my schedule and found out that with WM we will be able to actually plan things.

I broke the no sex rule lol but that was only after a lot of hugging, couple hours of snuggling on the couch and while trying to say good bye lol we did lots of huggin n kissin lol.

He wasn't going to cuz it would make me feel bad cuz of some other issues we had talked about. Told him this was the exception...make up sex! I have never had make up sex that didn't result from physical violence. And let me tell you what! It was some good fucking sex!

We figured out that it was both our faults for the way I have been feeling and what is actually going on with us. We want to be together. When we are together we dont argue or fight. It's when we go days and weeks without physcially laying eyes on each other that it goes craptastic.

But get us together and we're all good. Hell not only did I miss him Mae missed him. She got up when she heard him and wanted to hug and kiss him. He is doing a good job with her and she got her hug and kiss.

We went over my schedule and we figured out when to see each other, what possible days he can stay over and he may actually get talked to at work because of all the overtime he put in that wasn't approved. I told him I get that you cant pass up 20 bucks n hour but seriously dont answer the phone lol.

The best part of him coming over was being on the couch. Watching tv curled all up on him and just being together. I told him this is what we have to do even if we have to do it with my mom and watch tv. I promised no bridezillas lol.

He loves me, i love him...but i dont know how to make things work when there isnt the threat of physical violence.

I knew he was different when I met him...wish i could quickly get over my issues so we can just enjoy what we have. We went a little overboard with the sex when it first started happening and i let it happen. now we know what we have to do and what we have as expectations.

Can you belive i was going to let a real man, a good man slip through my fingers because I'm not used to being with a real man! Someone slap me...ooo wait he already pulled my hair and gave me sex hair lol i think that counts.

This blog brought to you by the night time meds that make me sleepy and loopy lol...good thing they dont kick in right away lol or makeup sex would have been delayed if it even got off the ground! Did I mention he was hesitant cuz he didn't want me to feel bad...thats a good man!

Wednesday

I'm giving myself til Wednesday to decide if I still have a boyfriend or not. Tonight was just another disappointment and I'm tired of being disappointed.

I know it's wrong of me to feel this way and I know he has to work. It's just a seriously shitty thing whenever we try to get together to do anything his work interfers. Someone can't come in and he loses his day off. Saturday night and the next shift can't make it in on time. He can't leave on time or he loses his job. So I can't expect that and I don't. BUT I can choose to continue on this way or to not.

I do love him, I love how it is when we're together. However, I don't like feeling like I'm an option. I have Mae to think about. I have me to think about. I have a new job that already is paying me more than I was making. I have a schedule that I can plan things around. I want to see him. I don't want an online relationship or a texting relationship.

I'm a grown woman and I want to see my guy. I want to feel my guy. I want to look into my guy's eyes. As it stands right now I havn't physically seen him in almost two weeks. Sure I've texted and talked to him. For me, I don't think it's enough.

We have plans to meet up on Wednesday. I'm seriously betting that it doesn't happen. I'm betting that he gets halfway here again and has to turn around to get ready for work.

Sure I may being unreasonable, but really I'm a girl who has to have contact with my guy. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back which is a first lol, but I just feel like an option and not a girlfriend.

So at the moment I'm in limbo as I try to figure out if I want to try to make this work out, or if I want to say fuck it and just end it. Sadly I don't want to end it, but the no contact except by phone is getting old. I need to see him, be held by him, hold him, feed him all the things that you do in a relationship.

Leave it to me to end a good thing because I'm selfish. But Wednesday will tell.

Sometimes Happy Sucks

I had a fantastic day; well, lunch sucked. It was an easy orientation and I need to get out the pill splitter out and quarter up a few xanex. This is a job that I'm glad I have the option of medicating lol. The orientation lady looked one way at the begining of the day and at the end if I didn't know better I'd think she wasn't a very nice person lol.

OMG lol this has the potential to be fun. Going to suck because it's work but at least I won't be greasy and nasty looking. I can wear different shirts, not just tshirts. I have the option of polos and other shirts that are the correct color. I also will be looking for denim khaki colored pants. If I would have known we could have brown or that color denim lol I'd have been looking for some brown jeans lol. So we all know what I'll be looking for on the clearence rack.

It was also reaffirmed that I'm not a thief. They told us a way that people steal things and I was like wow...never would have thought to do that. Yay for not being a thief lol. Basically everything is common sense at this point. Saturday starts the training portion of our game.

Money! OMG I will have 2 huge(ish) checks. I haven't even seen the rhealm of huge(ish) in over 2 years. Sadly lol I only get about a 75 dollars every two weeks; this is up though from the 58 bucks i did have in that same amount of time. Tips weren' always good but they helped lol. I have my fingers crossed that I don't have to pick up shifts at the sub shop but if I do at least it's weekly money.

As you can probably tell I had a pretty good day. That does not include several margarita's and conversation with friends and my mom. Ooo it was a good day for me. Went to work, drinks after work, kid in the pool, so you think you can dance(do they win anything?), and now a quiet house.

The part of happy that sucks is that the boyfriend has a seriously craptastic day. I have no idea how to get into the right mode to deal with that. I had a great day and Im selfish I want to enjoy my day. I tried to be supportive but i just couldnt do the whole wallow pity thing. Im happy!

So lol his day sucked mine was great and I cant talk to him about it cuz his day sucked lol.

anyways the day has caught up wih me and my bed sounds really good. Ooo Brenda-Dawn: there really is an answer/explanation to the pic text I sent you lol WooooHooooo margaritas and a good work day!

It's Thursday!

Of course I'm up an hour before the alarm is supposed to go off lol but that's ok I can blog, veg out, grab some food, and just chill til I have to get ready for orientation.

Though I must admit yesterday was another epic fail in the epic failness of my life lol. We had plans yesterday. Grill, movies, real popcorn, chill out on the couch together with Mae.

I get a phone call and guess what? Yup he got called into work. Half way here and he gets called into work. I let him vent his heart out and told him I couldn't really say anything because anything i would add would just make the situation worse.

We just want to hang together, hell he's even ok with me saying no sex. Life however keeps conspiring against us to keep us apart. When we were talking yesterday I told him I know you're not ready to move in together and I'm not quite ready but jesus that's begining to look like the only way we will ever get to spend any time together is if we live together.

This sucks here I have this perfectly nice boyfriend and life/work/my attitude is keeping us apart. Soooo tired of it lol.

Hopefully with my new job we will finally be able to spend some time together.

Other than that the day was ok. I pissed off my kid by making her stay outside all day, grilled huge burgers and chicken breasts and had 2 strawberry margaritas, and read a book. Pretty good day until my mom who drives me crazy sometimes came home and wouldnt shut up. I popped a xanex and life was better lol.

Anyways now youre all updated on whats going on in my crazy ass world lol Bring on new work craziness cuz you know Im going to have stories about walmart lol.

Starting with a Rat Bastard

10 minutes ago I was asleep. Sound sound sound asleep. Then the RatBastard Vinnie woke me up. Now it would be one thing if it was the medicated sleep sex thing lol but no Vinnie is the 13lb cat. What the hell he wanted I have no fucking clue but once I'm up it takes me a minute to get back to sleep no matter what unless I'm drunk. And trust me I don't need the drunk lol.

So last Thursday! Let me tell you what! I got home from work and my mom was still up and thats unusual. Well turns out that my dad has decided he isn't coming back to this house ever. Fast forward to about this same time last Thursday my mom is standing in my doorway telling me my dad has decided he's living at the lake and not coming here.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOk wtf is going on? Did my dad just leave my mom...OVER FUCKING MONEY? All because she was upset and needed him to be with her to put my grandpa's house in her name. When it was all said and done he was upset because he thought she thought he was only worth 20%. His kids were getting shafted, my grandpa didnt do this or that, and it was just stupid and wrong. He slept on it and Friday he was back to everything is ok and well mom was hurt and I had picked my side.

What the hell happened to my dad I don't know but him and my mom were not at a good place. But over the weekend it got better and while she's still hurt; he did apologize and explain whatever he was feeling to her.

Good lord and I thought I had fucking issues.

Now lets fast forward to a day that hasn't even happened yet! Thursday of this week! I will be sitting my butt at WallyWorld from 930 to 5 for ORIENTATION!!! I was supposed to go to the boyfriends tonight and not come back til Friday for my eye doctor appointment. But nope now we are changing plans and doing burgers and movie day tomorrow. Seriously everytime we try to get together either I end up having to be talked into going cuz i change my mind lol or he has to work. Now its my turn to have work screw it up lol. Eventually we will get it right.

Please let me get back to ni ni land without too much trouble and if you see a breaking headline about an iowa girl who is in jail for animal abuse/torture dont be surprised if you see a picture of me cuz as much as i love that rat bastard vinnie(pictures on facebook) this waking me up shit has got to stop lol hell i wasnt even getting up to go potty lol but on the other side i was up enough to tell my dad what i told my mom lol. Unplug the digital box, hook up the reg cable and if you have sound then call the cable company cuz its their equipment not yours. Good lord i feel bad for the CSR that gets my mom tomorrow lol.

And damn it ..... i am not putting up lights! I hate putting up the christmas tree, but Mae is a willing volunteer and she takes instruction semi well though i think she'd prefer to hang with Taylor.

Explaining Absent

One of the nice things about ambien is that I still get up to go potty. I don't have to change my sheets the next day because I was so zonked that I didn't get up. Yes with all the side effects they warn about I was concerned about that when I first tried ambien lol. So I think now we will add nighttime blogging to that list lol.

Im one of those people who when they wake up it still takes me a minute to zonk back out, unless of course I'm completly drunk. Tonight I'm just xanexed and ambiened lol and I have enough left in me to blog. When I wake up at about this time, I must confess I become a Dawn stalker. I know when she publishes her blog and lol sometimes I can save it for morning and most times the only reason(when I wake up like this) I get to read it is cuz I just can't save it. I always save Brenda's blog to read last out of all the other shit I read because well hers is one;like Dawns that I look forward to reading. No matter what the content thats just how it is.

Can you see the drugs in effect lol I still haven't gotten to the Title of the blog yet lol, but I'm getting there lol.

If you notice my blog is kind of bipolar. I on the other hand am not. It's been one of the things about me that has had a line drawn through it cuz it's not me. I do however have depression. Depression as we all know; cuz the commercial tells us so, hurts. Sometimes I forget that I have depression and like an addict I don't see my downhill slide into that abyss.

We all know that sleep deprivation can kill; it can also send you to the psych ward(remember 2010 with Grandpa lol) and for me the depression sometimes shows up not only in mood issues, control issues, but sleep issues which fuels the mood and control issues. Control issues I mean of controlling myself and knowing that I'm ok and thankfully prozac has helped with the depression and the multitude of issues that comes with that.

However, with that said, the one thing I don't really see coming until it's too late is lack of sleeping. I find myself up til all hours, my mind doesn't shut off, I can't function in family or societal situations because I'm not sleeping. 2 hour intervals of sleep with an hour or two up, and two hours down...that's not sleep.

When I don't sleep it's like I'm out there functioning but barely holding onto myself. I start to feel out of control, I fight to keep myself grounded and eventually I start to feel crazy as hell. Crazy to the point of my friends are afraid I'm going to kill myself, my mom asks if I need to check myself into the hospital, and my poor Mae she ends up with a mom on the couch who just can't move.

It got to the point(the no sleeping) that I was literally taking handfuls of xanex at night to sleep. While that worked for a little bit, it doesn't last. Thankfully the day I did my Absent post was a therapy day. That poor woman got unloaded on and when I described how out of control I had been feeling, how I just wasn't feeling "right" and was I bipolar, was I this, why was I manic and then down. The answer was actually told to me the day before by another friend of mine. She told me it was anxiety. Well that day I could belive it because I had a massive anxiety attack right as I was supposed to start using the slicer lol.Popped part of a xanex for the anxiety and it took about an hour for me to get back to me.

So when I'm telling everything to my therapist she reassures me that its not any of the multitude of mental illness's I had listed but good old fashioned anxiety topped off with me not sleeping. I wasn't going crazy I wasn't sleeping. Well jeez why does it always take another person to make you see what was right in front of you.

I've been like this before and the lack of sleep makes me nuts. I want to cry, scream, break things, hurt people(not physically), and want to get all the good in my life away from me. My poor boyfriend got a text with good news your gf isnt crazy she just needs a nap.

So Thursday(there was drama there I'll get to that in another blog) came along and my friend brought me an oxycodone and 2 muscle relaxers. I took those and by midnight I was RELAXED, ask dawn i think she got a text lol, and bed called my name. I answered the call. Drama happened 2 hours later(next blog) but I got back to sleep and woke up feeling like myself again. Damn sleep is a good thing. Friday night I took the ambien and got yet another good nights sleep only to have the previously blogged about Saturday drama.

I'm working on getting back to sleeping and sleeping is a good thing. The boyfriend now knows that if I start acting psycho to put my ass to bed lol and if that doesnt work then worry lol. Because seriously sleep deprivation makes you nuts, it can kill you, it can make you think crazy things especially when you already have serious depression.

Im working on the depression, Im doing much better than I was 2 years ago at this time. Which I am greatful for. I have changed patterns and habits in my life and am in a much better place.

Especially when you find out....You're not crazy...you just need a nap! Ahhh my bed here I come!

****this blog brought to you courtesy of ambien and xanex****

Epic Fail

Never let it be said that when I fucke up I do it small. Today was supposed to be orientation for me at WalMart. Instead it ended with me back home within an hour, crying my eyes out, shaking so hard, and having a giant ass anxiety attack. Which in turn led me to 2 xanex and a text to my mommy and daddy asking if I could watch tv in their room.

The one thing I was totally sure of was that my social security card was in my wallet. Either one didn't matter but it was supposed to be in my wallet.

Got to WalMart and was asked for 2 forms of id and wouldn't you know it....no social security card. Every fucking thing else in the free world but no ssc! They can take a reciept from SS but um they aren't open on Saturdays.

So I texted my mom, and did really well and didnt lose it til I was out of the store. Then had to badger my great aunt to see if we were going to church tomorrow lol. She said well if your depressed and i was like maybe i need church if im depressed. Her daughter was in town and we hemmed and hawed and I ended the conversation with sometimes its hard to get an answer and we laughed. Though I must say it was nice to hear how great I look, since my cousin hasnt seen me in a bit and not since Ive lost weight lol. I dont see what others see so I rely on them to tell me Im ok lol and im ok lol.

BUT i did come home, crying my eyes out, cleaning everything out and up and still no ssc. 2 xanex later and a text to my mom asking if i could watch good tv in their room and next thing i know im out. Then im up, then Im out til I had to go to work today. My friend stayed all day and Id fall out and she'd be in bed with me and then id wake up and she was gone, then there, then gone lol.

There is way more in my life to update on but Im going to end this now because the xanex is kicking in lol. BUT i did make enough in tips tonight to buy a bottle of wine, a pack of smokes, and have 2 bucks leftover to light a candle at church tomorrow and give a buck in offering.

So heres to xanex, fake ass mimosa's, good friends, and the end of a craptastic day! Seriously I don't know who I pissed off lol but im hoping to not do it again lol.