Explaining Absent

One of the nice things about ambien is that I still get up to go potty. I don't have to change my sheets the next day because I was so zonked that I didn't get up. Yes with all the side effects they warn about I was concerned about that when I first tried ambien lol. So I think now we will add nighttime blogging to that list lol.

Im one of those people who when they wake up it still takes me a minute to zonk back out, unless of course I'm completly drunk. Tonight I'm just xanexed and ambiened lol and I have enough left in me to blog. When I wake up at about this time, I must confess I become a Dawn stalker. I know when she publishes her blog and lol sometimes I can save it for morning and most times the only reason(when I wake up like this) I get to read it is cuz I just can't save it. I always save Brenda's blog to read last out of all the other shit I read because well hers is one;like Dawns that I look forward to reading. No matter what the content thats just how it is.

Can you see the drugs in effect lol I still haven't gotten to the Title of the blog yet lol, but I'm getting there lol.

If you notice my blog is kind of bipolar. I on the other hand am not. It's been one of the things about me that has had a line drawn through it cuz it's not me. I do however have depression. Depression as we all know; cuz the commercial tells us so, hurts. Sometimes I forget that I have depression and like an addict I don't see my downhill slide into that abyss.

We all know that sleep deprivation can kill; it can also send you to the psych ward(remember 2010 with Grandpa lol) and for me the depression sometimes shows up not only in mood issues, control issues, but sleep issues which fuels the mood and control issues. Control issues I mean of controlling myself and knowing that I'm ok and thankfully prozac has helped with the depression and the multitude of issues that comes with that.

However, with that said, the one thing I don't really see coming until it's too late is lack of sleeping. I find myself up til all hours, my mind doesn't shut off, I can't function in family or societal situations because I'm not sleeping. 2 hour intervals of sleep with an hour or two up, and two hours down...that's not sleep.

When I don't sleep it's like I'm out there functioning but barely holding onto myself. I start to feel out of control, I fight to keep myself grounded and eventually I start to feel crazy as hell. Crazy to the point of my friends are afraid I'm going to kill myself, my mom asks if I need to check myself into the hospital, and my poor Mae she ends up with a mom on the couch who just can't move.

It got to the point(the no sleeping) that I was literally taking handfuls of xanex at night to sleep. While that worked for a little bit, it doesn't last. Thankfully the day I did my Absent post was a therapy day. That poor woman got unloaded on and when I described how out of control I had been feeling, how I just wasn't feeling "right" and was I bipolar, was I this, why was I manic and then down. The answer was actually told to me the day before by another friend of mine. She told me it was anxiety. Well that day I could belive it because I had a massive anxiety attack right as I was supposed to start using the slicer lol.Popped part of a xanex for the anxiety and it took about an hour for me to get back to me.

So when I'm telling everything to my therapist she reassures me that its not any of the multitude of mental illness's I had listed but good old fashioned anxiety topped off with me not sleeping. I wasn't going crazy I wasn't sleeping. Well jeez why does it always take another person to make you see what was right in front of you.

I've been like this before and the lack of sleep makes me nuts. I want to cry, scream, break things, hurt people(not physically), and want to get all the good in my life away from me. My poor boyfriend got a text with good news your gf isnt crazy she just needs a nap.

So Thursday(there was drama there I'll get to that in another blog) came along and my friend brought me an oxycodone and 2 muscle relaxers. I took those and by midnight I was RELAXED, ask dawn i think she got a text lol, and bed called my name. I answered the call. Drama happened 2 hours later(next blog) but I got back to sleep and woke up feeling like myself again. Damn sleep is a good thing. Friday night I took the ambien and got yet another good nights sleep only to have the previously blogged about Saturday drama.

I'm working on getting back to sleeping and sleeping is a good thing. The boyfriend now knows that if I start acting psycho to put my ass to bed lol and if that doesnt work then worry lol. Because seriously sleep deprivation makes you nuts, it can kill you, it can make you think crazy things especially when you already have serious depression.

Im working on the depression, Im doing much better than I was 2 years ago at this time. Which I am greatful for. I have changed patterns and habits in my life and am in a much better place.

Especially when you find out....You're not crazy...you just need a nap! Ahhh my bed here I come!

****this blog brought to you courtesy of ambien and xanex****