Sometimes you do good and nice things because of what it will get you. This is a story of doing something because it's the right thing to do, it's the nice thing to do, it's something you would appreciate being done for you. And because you want the credit and the warm fuzzy feeling you will get when the person gets what you have done for them. That's what this story is!

You know I have mommy issues. Big Bad Scary Ugly Mommy issues. Put your ass on medication mommy issues. Never forget though that I love my mother very much and it would kill me if something happened to her. See...psycho scary mommy issues.

Anyways, my mom and dad are staying in town tonight. She took the sheets home with her a few weeks ago to wash them and brought them back Sunday. They didn't stay Sunday night but are staying tonight. The bed wasn't made. I was in their room talking to my dad a little bit ago; bullshitting and getting shit from him; a good time ;) And I looked over and saw the bag of sheets.

My mom and I are in a honeymoon period right now in the abuse that is known as our relationship. And I would have done it anyways. I wouldn't have done it the "right" way, but I would have made my moms bed for her.

Today though, I made her bed the "right" way because I love her and I know she would appreciate that and it would make her like me for another day lol. No seriously, not sarcasm lol.

My dad said he didn't want to do it know, he'd wait til later. But like with that stupid driveway when you go to clean a path, you're already out there might as well do the whole drive. I figured I'd do the bed the right way.

Thanks to a little help from my dad the bed is made the right way. He helped me put the sheets on, the underskirt thingy and then was out of there lol. He came back a few minutes later and was like your still fighting it lol. I just wanted to do it the right way.

Sometimes it's the real little things that make your day better. I know my mom is having a rough time with Grandpa and then her boss at work, his dad just died. So I'm pretty sure that my mom is at some place on the emotional scale that I don't even know about and should probably steer clear of. This is the time to show my mom I love her and do something nice lol.

The significance of making the bed "right" is that mom has a way of making the bed. You can make the bed all day long; doesn't mean that it's right! I know how to make a freaking bed. Let me tell you what! And to make the bed "right" you are only fast at it if you do it all the time. It took me like 20 minutes to make the damned bed lol. But I made the bed "right".

Put the underskirt thing on, even made sure it was all straight and nice. Now that was fun times with Dad lol one of us holding the bed up while the other one straightened it out. Then got the sheets on and got them on the right way so when you see the little decoration thingy. I don't know I just know that Dad had to show me the right way because I had that lil part messed up . So the bed is a big deal.

Hell with the sham thingy I even put a pillowcase on the pillow inside that so you could take the sham off and have a pillow.

I better get a fucking hug is all I have to say lol.

And in the doing things for others catagory lol I also made a very nice lunch for my Uncle Larry. I made meatloaf with onions for him. Heated up some leftover fideo and served that on the side. It was nice having lunch with Mae and my Uncle at the table. Then Dad came back and I made him a plate.

I'm telling you sometimes you have to do nice things for other people to make yourself feel better because you know that it was appreciated. Yup, I am that kind of person lol.

People are coming over here soon! My house is clean. I know it's clean. But my mother is coming over. I can feel the anxiety starting. It's pretty bad!

So my mom calls me to tell me something and I had to stop her and explain to her all about how her issue with the house effects me and how any tone or whatever she thinks she hears in my voice its not what she thinks it is. That my anxiety was going up that here was the reason, that she wasn't at fault for my feelings because she can't control those. And that I was going to have to take a pill lol.

It actually went really really well. Because I'm telling you this medicine Im on is working. Don't ask me to explain because I can't, I just know its doing its job.

And my mom is almost ready for meds herself. She needs them lol but SHE is almost ready to think about it. because her reaction or action disorder i can't remember what she says its called, she can see it turning into depression now. I told her take the prozax, it works. take the anxiety medication, it works! Hell I'm all mellow now that I took part of a xanex lol.

I needed it because I could feel myself getting wound up. And to top it off the vaccum stopped working. It worked Friday when I vaccumed but today nothing lol.

People are here yay!

Everybody has a story that proves God is a funny man. That He does things for reasons we don't know and then there are the times we know it is just so He can laugh his ass off at us.

Here is my God really loves me (yes that was sarcasm lol) moment.

You know that website people of walmart? Where you can see some of the most outrageous freakish things, people out there. At least there you can whip out your camera phone and take a picture.

Yes, I know it's not right to make fun of other people. BUT ALOT of US out there do it and do it with guilty unabashed pleasure. Yes, I have issues lol.

So today I go to church with my Aunt. It's a whole different experience to me because it was so short. Anyways in comes this man with the most horrific toupe on his head. It was a OMG there is no way, let me take a picture kind of bad.

It looked nothing like the hair that you could tell was real, it had outside clips, I thought it might have been a hat, but no it was a bad bad toupe. Like if you saw him at Walmart you would be required to take the picture and post it online.

THAT IS WHAT I WOULD DO!! BUT God loves me(yes sarcasm) and put it in front of me at church. In his home, his place of worship, the place I wanted and needed to be at today, the place where todays message hit home...God gives me this poor man to totally crucify(pun intended) and I can't do it.

There is no way I could go to church and do that. Like God's watching all the time, but if you go to his house you know he's watching. So yea God has a great sense of humor. But then again maybe that's the message that I shouldn't be so judgmental and stuff. Hmm something to ponder.

BUT the reality is .... It was so horrible I really really wanted to share and this is all I could do and if I could do it, I'd get that man some new hair because noone should be allowed to go around looking like that...some people would actually say something to his face instead of randomly blogging. Sigh...thanks be to God ;)

Money makes me happy. Yes, I am that shallow. I do know that money won't keep you happy but if you have no money and you get some unexpectedly it really makes you happy. If you have ever been broke you know what I'm talking about.

I don't know how or why, but this year Christmas shopping wasn't stressful. Not like last year where I didn't know how I was going to do anything or get anyone gifts. This year the money has just worked out right. Before the holiday season really kicked off I ended up with some extra unexpected money.

I bought Mae some Christmas gifts. Then I came into another bit of extra unexpected money; and bought Mae more Christmas presents. This time though it was the one that HAS to be under the tree or her Christmas will end up sucking for her lol. Then I got the bills under control and paid in advance and had a chunk of money I wasn't expecting to have.

I went shopping that day and finished off my shopping for everyone. Oh and I did put about 41 bucks on my mom's toys r us charge. That doesn't have to be paid til May; thank you tax money!

Then I got my bonus at work and I spent that on getting Mae her picture with Santa. Thank you to my boss because without his bonus I wouldn't have been able to afford it!

Well this week started with money being really REALLY tight for me and for my friends. Tammy who does my daycare had enough gas to get home on Monday night but not to get over on Tuesday. Tips really have been shitty lately. Monday night people were really generous. So I made enough in tips to get a pack of smokes and give her about 7 bucks for gas.

Should have been no big deal! Should have been an easy fix because Tuesday is payday. Checks didn't come in on Tuesday. I had no money. Ok I did I had about 4 bucks between two bank accounts. I texted Tammy to see if she needed a ride and she did. There goes my gas faster.

We decided she would stay the night last night so Mae didn't have to get up and we could just get my check today and I'd take her home. Well at this point we are both broke and have a total of 8 cigarettes between us. I told ya lol I've been going without. So fortunatly I made enough in tips and with the help of the credit card was able to get us into smokes til today when I was supposed to get my check.

Well when we got home yesterday I checked my mail. There was a christmas card for me from my cousin. And it was in the shape of one that is a money holder. You know the ones I'm talking about you just can tell that's what they are. But I wasn't expecting anything, I got hopefull lol but wasn't expecting anything.

Inside they told me how they appreciate me and Mae taking their mom to church on sundays and that they know she likes the company. And to have a merry christmas; oh yea, and by the way here's a check for $40!

Oh my! I was literally in shock and didn't know what to say. I go to church with my Aunt because I want to, because I told my dying Grandpa that I would start going to church, because church is helping me a bit. I don't go to church with her to get anything. Ok again I lie, I like how it makes me feel when I go to church with her. I like being with her. Sue me! I don't do it for gas or anything. But they wanted us to have something a little extra! So I took that money that in the memo said Christmas and went out and bought Mae a present.

When I got to work last night the Toys R Us ad was out and it had a toy that was like half off called Splatster. I hadn't ever heard of it but it looked really cool. You use a wand and can paint on the tv. 29 bucks and some change! I saw it and I showed it to Tammy last night and decided that the money was going to get Mae something cool.

Roll around to today and it just seems like all I've done is been on the go today. I wanted to go to church today because I don't know when services are where I will be at. So I asked my Aunt if she wanted to go and we went. I had Tammy keep Mae and when my Aunt got in the car she was all where's the little one, I wanted to take her out for lunch.

Maaan lol that sucked lol. We got to church and Wednesday service is different. It's shorter and it feels rushed. BUT today what they had to say was what I needed to hear. It was about how its the unexpected that we have to deal with and how we deal with it is how we shape ourselves. Something like that. I just know that when I sat there and listened, it made sense. It was what I needed to hear.

We ended up going out for lunch anyways. I had Tammy get Mae ready and we ended up at Pizza Hut.

It was a nice time, I like watching Mae and my Aunt together. Mae is a very likable young lady lol. While we were eating my phone rang and I hadn't taken it off silent from church and it was a call telling me that nope checks still werent in.

I had a quarter of a tank of gas, I needed to drive all the way across town in 3 directions, 2 of them twice, I had a friend waiting to get paid, and money to give my mom. NOT GOOD!

Well somewhere along the line it got decided that we were getting Grandpa Christmas money. OOOOOOO ty ty ty Grandpa! I got gas in my car, paid my daycare, and will have enough for a pack of smokes. This also means that when I do get my paycheck I will be able to buy my brother and nephew a gift certificate to my work and pick up a piece of crap gift bag for his girlfriend.

Money makes Christmas so much better! I had a lot of nice unexpected things happen to me. And I'm greatful because I have to have a good time for Christmas. I have a love hate relationship with the holiday anyways, and this year I wasn't so sure about a lot of things. But somehow it has all worked out. I really think this was my gift from Grandpa. Being able to keep trying and going even though I don't want to and doing my best to live up to my responsibilities.

I'm ready for Christmas....just not looking forward to the Christmas Drop!

Well I got all worried for nothing; but at least I was prepared lol. My Aunt called me yesterday and told me we weren't going to church today because she has shingles and the doctor said to not be around kids who havn't had chicken pox. Guess what thats us!

So I figured today I would do my normal house cleaning and skip the mopping. Oooo my wonderful daughter had other ideas for her mama though. Just as I was getting my groove on to clean, she comes out of the bathroom no pants on. She had an accident!

Well guess what, no skipping the mopping of the bathroom. Then I got to thinking well since I've got the mop out I might as well do the kitchen. Soooo the mopping is done.

In hindsight I should have taken the laundry downstairs first so I could do the vacuming. So the vacuming will have to wait til the kitchen floor is dry so I can take the clothes downstairs, put the chairs back and then finish the cleaning.

Lucky for me I've kind of been keeping up on it. So all I really have to do is vaccum, clean the bathroom toilet and vanity and shower. Oh yea and that pesky laundry. But I don't think I'm doing to bad.

But damn I wanted to be lazy today lol. Oh well, it just means I don't have to mop tomorrow. And then Wednesday the cooking will begin and Thursday I think will be the day to wrap presents.

Mae can help with everyone else's gifts and then when she goes to bed on Thursday I'll bring all her presents out and wrap them.

It's going to be a busy busy week and it's going to fly by. 2 days of work then the rest off. My friend asked if I was going to try to pick up any shifts. I told her not this week, if they call and you can watch her then I'll take an extra shift but unless they call I'm not doing anything lol.

Now to keep Mae off the wet floor and then to just enjoy the rest of Sunday.

The pica is back. I was pretty sure it was, but I was trying to live in the land of delusion. It worked for a minute.

I got home from work tonight and talked with my friend for awhile. When she left Mae got up to go "potty". Well good Mama that I am went to tuck her in. She was chewing on something.

Lately I have been finding wads of toilet paper wadded up and wet. She is chewing/eating(?) toilet paper.

When she went on the Concerta for the add/adhd she stopped eating things that weren't food. It was a very happy day.

She had a wad of toilet paper in her mouth tonight. I'm very proud of myself. I didn't yell at her, I didn't spank her. But I did tell her that I was very unhappy. Then I told her what could happen if she keeps eating things that aren't food. That she would get sick and she goes I am sick *cough cough*. I told her not that kind of sick. I said the sick that they put you in the hospital and they stick you with big needles and you have tubes in you. She got quiet and said that would hurt me. I said I know and I don't want you to be hurt that's why you can't eat things that aren't food. Ooo this is not what I wanted to be worried about.

I don't know if she needs more medication or if they need to test her for something else, but the pica being back is not making me very happy.

On the other end of things; had a pretty awesome night at work. Tips were freakin AWESOME and the guy I worked with actually worked and did more stuff. I feel like I didn't do anything at work lol but since I know I worked I'm not going to bitch about it. It was a good night at work and I don't have to be back there until 5 pm on Monday.

There are books to be read, movies to be watched, hugs and kisses to be given and I'm going to enjoy them...even if I have to pick up little balls of chewed t.p.

Panic has set in and is on it's way out. Thankfully I was able to think quick. And now I ask you, if you're broke and you forgot to get someone a present, is it ok to give them a card with a picture of Mae in it?

I was sitting here playing a game and all of a sudden I realized that I didn't get my Aunt Alberta anything for Christmas. We have been going to church pretty regularly for the last 7 months. In all the shopping that I did, I didn't think to pick her up anything. How horrible is that? So then I figure I know I can scrounge up a Christmas card and I'm pretty sure I have a school picture of Mae. That can be a present, right?

Well it better be because that's what I've got to give her. And even though it was a late thought, at least I finally remembered.

Sheesh this holiday is going to kill me. I don't want to go to Christmas. I want to be by myself. But I can't do that to Mae and to Katie. The Katie part is what my sister added because I'm assuming that even though Katie has issues it would be a bigger issue if I missed both Thanksgiving and Christmas. And my sister says it's not an option. Sooo I'm going to go with the crowd on this one and bite the bullet and go even though I don't want to. Thank you anxiety medication!

Yesterdy was Mae's last day of school til January 3rd. This week we are going to have presents to wrap, food to make, and do our best to not kill each other lol.

I really do like Christmas. I bitch about it a lot but I don't hate Christmas. I just don't want to go to Christmas because I'd rather be alone and deal then be with everyone and deal.

Ok so Merry Christmas and falalalala I'm going to be happy it's Christmas because Mae is beyond super excited about Christmas and I can't be the Grinch who brings it down for her! Let the wrapping begin and the naughtiness begin. Because you know that the week before Christmas is always when the kids are the naughtiest lol

Jumped on the scale today and found a nice surprise. The scale says I'm down close to twenty pounds. No idea what happened, but I'm slowly losing weight. Which is a good thing because you're not supposed to lose a lot at a time. I had gained back a couple of the pounds for a few days and thought, oh well. But today was nice to see those plus a couple gone.

I'm still on a high from yesterday. I'm so glad I spent the money for Mae to have her picture taken with Santa. She is really taking it to heart this being naughty thing. She's about ready for xanex lol.

The pica has come back. She is now chewing/eating toilet paper. She knows that it's naughty. She knows that she should'nt do it. She ended up crying because she was on the naughty list and wanted to be on the good list. But knows that the toilet paper thing is naughty and that's what will put her on the naughty list. So she's about ready for xanex.

She's also been acting out a bit at school. They said that all of a sudden she's taken to running around the room. Doing laps and running into things. I have a feeling we need our medication adjusted a little bit.

But Santa and Christmas are what she's mainly focused on. She was so happy to have seen HER Santa. She is ready for Christmas. For her it's all about the presents. She's 4 sue her lol. When we got home yesterday all she could talk about was a stocking.

Where was the stocking, we had to get a stocking, we needed to put one out. Thank god I had already bought her one lol. I went to the Dollar Tree and got one that looks kind of like Santa's suit. She LOVES it. She was so happy when we put it up.

Then of course she went on about the presents that would be in it. I'm a good mama I have her stocking stuffers already lol. I got her a couple card sets to help with her numbers and such, two things of candy, and a little teddy bear.

Mama has Christmas covered this year. I don't know how I couldn't do it last year, but this year it worked out. The only person I have left to buy for is my Uncle and he's getting beer lol. When you fly places its easier to give an edible gift so they don't have to take it on the plane lol.

It's Friday and I don't have to work tonight. Ahhh I'm going to enjoy my night off. I may even stop of and buy a little thing of lemonade and drink that one shot of vodka I have left lol. Drinks on a Friday sound good to me lol

One of the things I keep saying lately is I want to be irresponsible with the money. And trust me I really really want to be irresponsible with the money. With that said; I was irresponsible with the money!

And it feels really good to have been irresponsible with the money! Now to hope and pray that child support comes in on time even with the holiday lol. I may have shorted myself on gas for the car, and I have to stop smoking again, but I thoroughly enjoyed being irresponsible with the money!

After showing my mom what we got my Dad for Christmas, I decided I should hit the mall and get mom one of the 19.99 jobbies. Right outside of the jewelry store is where Santa is sitting. Mae knows this, and I know this because last month we were there and saw it set up.

Since then Mae has wanted to go. I used the money for bills, gas, food, and christmas presents. I didn't think I was going to have the money to get her picture taken. That Mall Santa shit is expensive! Doesn't matter where you're from it is EXPENSIVE!

Well life decided to take a small turn in my favor. We got a bonus this week on our checks. That was forty bucks I didnt have before. All I've been asking for is an extra forty bucks so I could get Mae's picture with Santa.

After paying bills, buying gas, and a pack of smokes I was left with $35 in the bank. I have a five dollar bill in my wallet. I had forty bucks! Today when I dressed Mae I put her in a real nice shirt thats red and the bottom is black with sparkles/sequin/some type thing on it.

She saw Santa from a distance and her face lit up and she screamed Santa! She wanted her picture taken, she wanted to see him, she was ready to tell him what she wanted. And it was a "real" Santa. Real beard and an old guy. She was soo good. She smiled real pretty. She told him what she wanted.

He was a good Santa. He told her she was on the good list and that she had a mama who loved her and he knew because his glasses were special and he knew she loved her mama. Oooo it was just a wonderful experience.

It was a little piece of joy that everyone should get to see in their life.

If your a facebook follower there's the picture of her and Santa. I got the cheap package and added the cd ended up costing me $28 and some change. Left me with enough for two gallons of gas or a pack of smokes lol.

Sometimes life decides its your turn to smile. Thank you!

While I was writing my last blog, all of what ten minutes ago lol; I had a thought. It was a thought that I found rather disturbing.

Now that I have seen my mom, hugged my mom, talked to my mom, interacted with my mom after like almost 20 days and only 12 words in those 20 days. After we would talk on the phone minimum three times a day almost daily. That was a long time to have no interaction with my mom.

I can have interaction with my mom. Just not a lot. Well as I was typing the last blog I thought, oh hell! My mom is going to think that now she can call me all the time again and stuff. Oooo I didn't like that idea. I really enjoyed not feeling all stressed out and whatever else I might end up feeling after talking to her.

I was sitting here and my phone rang. It was my mom. I ignored the call. I don't want to talk right now. Not that I'm mad at her, I just don't want to talk right now. I can call her back. Hell I can call her back on my way to work. But right at this moment I dont want to talk to her.

Then I go and read one of the other blogs I read and the issue on that blog was about a daughter and mother who cant go a minute without seeing each other. Oooo man I kind of left a long comment. I hope she understands my comment. But I get the insane need to be in contact. I dont know how it happens, it just does. And to everyone else it looks totally insane and maybe it is, but thats just how it is.

After not having any contact with my mom lately ive felt better than i was feeling. I know i have to start taking her calls, but i dont have to take all of her calls, and I can choose when. Its ok to not talk to my mom ALL the time.

It's a sickness I think and you just have to wait it out to figure it out to work it out to get to a place where its ok.

Sooooooooooo my mom and dad came over yesterday. I hadn't spoken more than 12 words to my mother in almost a month. Literally only 12 words, I counted them one day. And you know what? While I missed my mom, I didn't miss the way I felt after some of the conversations with her. Was it wrong to not talk to her? I don't think so. I think it's helped me to not be in constant contact with her.

It was a lovely snowy cold day yesterday and my Dad; who is awesome, shoveled the drifts and the deck. Yayy!

Mom didn't say a word about the house and she took my birthday gift for my nephew to give to him.

Mom says she had a moment and that she has just been feeling sorry for herself and she doesn't want to be like she is anymore. Her doctor told her she has some kind of disorder and if it doesn't clear up soon then it will turn into a major depression. Um duh! I could have told you something was up. Oooo wait I did.

But at least she is going to make an effort.

I had to take my car in today and let me tell you what! -3 and walking about 8 blocks SUCKED ASS! It was sooo cold but I had on my ugly make me into a bobble head hat on and at least I didn't totally freeze. My friend watched Mae while I dropped the car off and walked to her house. My other friend came and got me lol and will be back later to get me to get my car.

I think I have to find another 20 bucks for Christmas presents. I think my brother is getting Mae something so I have to get something for his kids. I'm getting dollar general specials and I'm not spending more than 20 bucks! I don't care I have no money but I dont want Mae getting a gift and the others not. Soooo bring on the good tippers lol.

Ive got another 4 shifts this week and I was hoping to take tonight off but noone has texted me back...joy o joy lol.

My friend who got the house I'm afraid for her. Her bipolar anxiety ridden boyfriend is going to the hospital today, maybe to be admitted to psych. I dont know but I hope its not to serious because they need the income he has to pay for this new house. Its almost like he has decided he can't hold a job because of whatever so he goes with it. Well ya know maybe its time to go to work at one of the warehouses. BUT when you have drug convictions a lot of places wont hire you. Sooo I'm back to praying hard for them.

Other than that life actually isnt too bad. Oo except the heat bill was 150 bucks and i was a bit upset over that because we have been freezing in the house trying to keep it down. Mom told me she didnt expect us to freeze but when you only give between 200 and 300 a month that doesnt cover much more than the heat. AT least the heat is paid though. Now to go sit under blankets and watch tv and wait for the phone to ring telling me my car is done.

Today I made the call of shame. It's the biggest call of shame I could make and I made it. I stood in Kmart today and all but cried because I knew I would have to make that call.

Today of all days I guess it was very appropriate that I had to make the call of shame. 7 months ago today I lost my Grandpa. So today is one of those days that I am already wired. Then I had plans to go Christmas shopping because that was the plan.

Today didn't start off the way I wanted it to. I put my book on the kitchen table last night thinking Mae would leave it alone and the card I was using for the bookmark. WRONG because I moved it, I'm assuming, it was an easier target and my card is gone. It was a prayer card and it was just one that moved me and now I have no idea where it is and Mae isn't giving it up. I'm sure I'll find it another day. BUT I didn't scream at Mae or spank her or anything except tell her how disappointed I was and sad because that card meant something to me.

My car is having issues. It always seems to have issues at this time when there is no money because of Christmas. Well I called my brother and when he called me back I was shopping. Yes I know I shouldn't be spending money if I've got car trouble. BUT I did it anyway. Still no pictures of Santa and Mae but Christmas shopping is all done. So my brother is close to Kmart and stops out to look at the car.

My cousin Tanya the other day, over the phone, tells me its the water pump. But who wants to belive that lol. He comes out and looks at it and he's pretty positive it's the waterpump. He makes a call and they say $140. I don't have that; the only way I have that is if I don't buy Christmas and I don't pay my bills for a month. Ummmm....I have to pay my bills. The late fees on not paying my bills is not a good thing. Especially when one of them is car insurance and that would mean no insurance which you have to have.

So I agonized and angonized and tried not to cry. Then after a text from my sister telling me Dad was home, I made the call of shame!

I called my Dad and asked to borrow money to fix my car. It was one of the worst things I've ever had to do. I have never EVER asked them for money. I always paid Grandpa back with taxes or over time because he didn't judge. So like my dad said time to put on my ass kissing pants, because there is more news.

He may be getting a job here in town and that means him and my mom will be moving in sooner rather than later!

It has been one big day and I am ready for it to be over. I made the decision last night we are having pizza for supper and I am choosing to not be upset over the missing card. And I'm glad I chose that because I gave Mae her new outfit, her two new Christmas socks, and her countdown to Christmas chocolate calendar and she thinks they are all WONDERFUL!

So I'm going with Wonderful!

It's kind of like here's your sign. I've really been missing my Grandpa lately. I mean that bad miss, not the I'm working on ok and miss him, but the cry on the couch for hours miss him.

I've said things on facebook, I've told my friends and asked for hugs when I needed them, took a mental health day on Monday and found someone to work for me. I've been missing my Grandpa!

Brenda pointed it out to me and like the caption on my facebook says, it wasn't intentional, but Grandpa just seems to keep showing up at the important times. Something like that anyways.

The picture is of Mae in her new dress, standing in front of the Christmas tree and off in the right hand corner is THE picture of Grandpa. The one where he is smiling real big and you can see it in his eyes the person he was. Its the picture I talk to, its the picture all of us have of him. Its that one picture where he seems to follow you.

There was my sign that my Grandpa was with us tonight. That my Grandpa is still here. That he is showing up when we need him. I'm glad I ended up with that picture, even if it makes me cry a bit.

My cousin Tanya said isnt that cool. I should have replied beyond cool. I know that he was there tonight watching his baby, his chula, his amoure, and smiling that big smile of his. I know he watched with us and loved every minute of it.

Tomorrow is 7 months he's been gone from us and I needed a little Grandpa. I needed just a little bit. I just want a hug from my Grandpa....thanks for being there tonight Grandpa!

Facebook followers know that I just had the best hour in a long time. Tonight was the Christmas Program for school and we watched like 7 classes of kids. They only do 2 songs each so it doesn't take forever. It's preschool and they are all so cute and its always a good time.

My face hurt from smiling so much. Of course I had to run home and put it all on facebook lol. My girl is so funny. I wish I would have gotten this on the video but of course the really cute stuff happens after the recording is stopped.

As they were walking off the stage Mae turns to the audience and starts blowing them kisses, as she posed. Oooo my lord we have a Diva Star on our hands. It was so cute! I'm glad Tammy came with us so I had someone to share it with.

Mae had on her new purple dress that grandma bought her and she was all cute and curtseying in it. She kept asking if we wanted to see her modeling or something like that. Then she would pose and act like she was on a cat walk.

I can't lie that girl makes me smile. This was just what the doctor ordered and since I video taped it and put it on facebook I can have a quick 2 minute pick me up. This is why we don't eat our young~

Yay it's Sunday and that means a day off for me, from my job! The work has begun and mostly been completed.

We made it to church and the question I keep asking myself is...when do I get to pray for me? When do I get to, or is it appropriate for me to be asking God for things for myself? It would be so easy to go to church and when I pray to ask for a better job, better weather, a car that doesn't want to die on me, help with patience...you know that whole list of things you want to pray for yourself to have. Every week I go and I'm not complaining because what I pray for is what is truly needed.

I am not taking credit for this by any means! BUT I have been praying the last few times for my friend Brigitte. She is sick and has some mental health issues and the money for the medications for her health problems is staggering. So I've been praying for her. The other day one of her daycare clients gave her a Christmas card with a $1000 in it. She called me and told me that and we both went omg, what? The first thought we both had was she doesn't have to worry about her medication for almost two months because of this gift.

I have also been praying for my friend Kimmi who just moved into a new home and while she can afford the home, things are tight. I pray that her and her family will be able to find the way to afford everything they need.

Today I was praying for two of my customers at work. They are adopting a baby from Ethiopia and are just waiting to find out when they can bring him home. Ooo he is the cutest lil baby. He is 6 months old and they are over the moon waiting. Yesterday they said they weren't sure if it would be this month yet or maybe January for them to bring him home. I told them I would pray for them to get him home this month because lets face it, babies are always a good thing. So I prayed for them.

But when is it appropriate for me to pray for myself? Or maybe that's what Church is all about, being selfless and wanting the good of man over the good of yourself. Now don't get me wrong we aren't going without, but there are things it would be nice to have happen. But in the long run, it feels right to pray for others and not for myself.

After church we, ok I, came home and cleaned the house. I am a firm beliver that your house shouldn't take you more than an hour to clean. Unless of course you have a mansion and then thats not going to happen.

On my list of chores today I had sweeping,mopping, vaccuming, dusting, dishes, laundry, the bathroom, and something I'm sure I've forgotten lol. Well I've gotten everything done but the mopping.

I was going to be lazy and forget the laundry til that damned ol Facebook got a hold of me. My cousin's husband posted about how fun laundry is. Damn it to hell lol, if they could do the laundry then I could be unlazy and do the laundry. Sooo Ive got the laundry done.

I have decided though that the mopping is waiting for tomorrow morning when Mae is at school. that way I dont have to deal with her trying to walk across the clean floor.

So now that I have all my chores done I am going to enjoy the rest of my day reading, watching tv, and later a movie with Mae.

I love my day off, but damn could I get just one where it's truly a day off lol.

I love Facebook. My Facebook however isn't about collecting people. For me Facebook is for my real life. My family, my friends, and the people from the internet that I have "known" for a long time and are "real" people. I havn't met all of them, but I have had enough interaction over a period of time to know that they are "real" people and in the "real world" I would hang with them.

As we all know Facebook is about as juvenile as you can get and still be an adult. We play the games, we do the surveys, we tag the pictures, and we stay connected to family. Now we all know that families fight, we all know that friends fight, we all know that we sometimes put bullshit out there that is pure bullshit, that's meant to incite a reaction, and things that you just shouldn't put out there.

Compound all that with the fact that as human beings we are judgemental people. I don't care who you are but I will you call a liar to your face if you dare try to claim your not. It's in our nature to be judgemental. I will give a little wiggle room on that by saying there are different levels of judgment and while you may not be as judgemental as person B, you are still judgemental.

I sometimes do things on Facebook for my mom. She has added some people who she didn't want to remove because you know how it is, you delete someone and it comes back to bite you in the ass. Why did you delete me, you didn't have to do that, blah blah. You know what I'm talking about. Some of the people that she added she was sick of seeing their posts. I went ahead and just blocked them from showing up on her screen. They still show as friends, but she doesn't have to see their posts. In this instance it was a family member. Now in my opinion that's how you should handle it. If you don't like what they are saying, they are posting to much, you think they are childish...whatever the reason, just do that. Don't cause drama by deleting them.

Well tonight I did my best on there to not cause drama in the family. I was doing farmville and looking at everything people had posted and I came across something my family member had posted.

"I read a lot of non sense on this thing called FB, and I am so glad my two oldest kids have made great choices in their lives, I couldn't be more proud of them!!!"

It goes on to say that his boy is coming home for Christmas from the navy and his little boys are excited for him to come home. BUT that was written by my cousin. I know about the nonsense he is talking about, well at least some of it. BUT why would you write something like that?

There is only one reason, to hurt your family and to brag about your family. The thing is, while your hurting your family your showing what an ass you are. I almost commented on it. Because I know things aren't all rosey in his house! I go to church with his mom on Sundays, I've met his wife/girlfriend I don't know if they're married or not. BUT I know!

So common sense took over and I put my own lil facebook message out there. Remember the rule to live by is if it doesn't say your name then it's not about you and if you think it's about you then that's your issue because only the writer knows who it was really about. Yes I know that's what I should live by too, but I have a really good "idea" of who and what he is talking about and the way I read it, I'm going with my gut.

So I put out there Using facebook to hurt your loved ones is a shitty thing to do. Doesn't make you look any better than anyone else out there.

And I think that was the right way to handle it. Because when I read what he wrote I just wanted to smack him. We all use facebook to vent, to laugh, to cry, to hear bad news, to hear good news, to spread the word. Yes some of us say things we really shouldnt most of the time. Personally I try to keep my stuff pleasant, yes I have my days where my posts are not all roses and sunshine, but then what life is?

I just figured I should come over here and blog this before I accidently on purpose respond to his post. Yay for self control!

Let's try this again. A couple days ago Mae decided that she didn't want to clean her room, she didn't want to pick up her stuff, and she in general wanted to be as mouthy as she could be.

Mama had enough. I have threatened to take her tv away but never did it. You know sometimes just the threat of taking something away works; until it doesn't.

Well we got to that point a few days ago and while my crying and screaming Mae watched, I the big bad mama, took out the tv. She watched me undo the cable, unplug the box and pick that heavy sucker up and take it out of her room. The whole time begging me not to. The whole time I was telling her well then you shouldn't have done this this this and this and you should do this this this and this.

Oh you would have thought I killed the kid. Hell she's only had tv in her room for a couple of months. BUT I am not going to have my child be disrespectful to me or any other adults because she thinks that she can just do what she wants and then flounce to her room to watch tv. UT UH NO WAY! We all know parents who raised their kids that way and we've seen what they become.

She's been doing pretty good about not mouthing and picking her stuff up since then. Sooooo we are trying it again. Today while she was at school I went and hooked her tv back up. The nicest thing about it was that I didn't have to reprogram the channels. Thank god cuz its an old tv and sucks to program lol. So she has her disney, nick, abcfamily, pbs, and cartoon network. We will see what happens with the attitude.

BUT I am all prepared to take that bitch right back out of her room if she decides to be a royal brat!

I went to the grief counselor today and decided that unless I need to I won't be going back. I have other issues that aren't grief related that are being taken care of with other professionals. I love this guy he was so nice. I told him what had happened and ya know it's nice to have not only my friends but the professionals telling me I'm doing the right thing.

NOW the hard part! How do I ask my mom to come to Mae's school program and not kill each other and have to talk to each other about anything. I'm wavering on asking her because while I can avoid subjects she likes to poke them and pick them. Maybe after talking to my sister I'll have a better idea. I don't know though, I just don't know.

Oh well if I'm the only one there for the program at least someone was there!

I'm off to chill out while listening to the rain and praying it stays rain...no ice no snow PLEASE!!

It's sunday again! That means church in just a little bit. Some weeks church is my saving grace. I get to go and pray for those that need it, try to pray for me, and spend an hour with my Great Aunt.

Last weekend we didn't go because I just couldn't get my ass motivated. Funny thing though, Mae woke up and was like it's time to go to church with Aunt Berta. Ahhh the power of church and hanging with the Great Aunt.

Last week somewhere, some how I lost 10 pounds. What the hell is that all about? Well since I have a great start on losing some weight, maybe someone is trying to help me out, I will have to get out Miss Leslie and let her whup mine and Mae's butt. That's the nice thing about working out at home, when I do it, Mae likes to do it with me. So it's a double good deal. Though Leslie kicks my butt til I want to cry lol.

Remember my post about the girl who tried to friend request me? Well I asked my friend what the hell that was about. Guess what? No, he didn't ask her or the other girl to do it. Guess what, yet another blog about how she was the victim....but the story had changed YET AGAIN. So now I've read and heard three different accounts of what "actually" happened. Yeah, when you lie it's hard to keep them straight. He asked her why she did it and Ooops she thought I was someone different. HELLOOO same picture that's always been up on that site. I called bullshit, he called bullshit and then if you don't like us don't read us. Well if you invite me to your site, if you try to get my attention; you don't get to bitch about it when you get what you want. Suffice it to say, I'll be hanging with my friend and I don't have to hang with her.

Yesterday was pretty nice. We went and spent some time with my friends and just chilled while the kids played downstairs. It's nice having friends. Especially friends who live right around the corner from you and you don't have to travel to see them. Plus taking chocolate cake along helps out too lol.

Xanex is my new best friend! It works a lot better than the ativan that I was on before. It seems to take effect quicker, and it seems to help the anxiety MUCH better. It's hard for me to get prescriptions from doctors. I don't know why that is. If I'm in severe pain I get told tylenol. If I'm in moderate pain, tylenol. After surgery, tylenol. It's like I went to the doctors and always tried to get pain meds or anxiety meds. I have never been one of those drug seekers so I don't know what the deal is. BUT I know have the xanex and when I feel the anxiety start I get out a quarter of a pill and pop it. Not long after I'm feeling better. The tightness in my chest is gone, I feel like I can breathe easier.

The doctor wants me to take 3 pills a day. There is absolutly no way I can take 3 pills a day. For whatever reason a whole pill will knock me out. A half a pill I can function for a little bit then I'm ready to snooze. But a quarter of a pill does the job. I know people that take them recreationally but jeez I don't know how. Do I want to know how? Not really. I've taken them before, semi-recreationially, but at bedtime for sleep.

My car tried to die on me! I have a coolant leak somewhere so I will have to keep an eye out on that. My dad and Katie came to town yesterday to go see his mom and Mae and I tagged along.

We went to WalMart because Dad wanted some of these storage containers. He was going to get me a set for Christmas, BUT I found something even better that was NEEDED.

Child support only goes so far in paying the bills, getting food, getting gas, and entertaining Mae. Some how this month, even with the holiday, I got child support on time. Well there went the phone bill and I was going to buy Mae this $14 coat they had. Well thank you Black Friday! I found a coat that was originally, and the day after, $35 dollars. It's a real nice coat with a zip out liner so you can wear the inside during the spring. Well after paying for antifreeze and the coat, I had a choice to make with the money. But Mae the $15 dollar snow pants, or put food in the house. Seriously, it shouldn't be a hard choice to make, but if you have kids you know it is.

My dad and Katie walked up as I was trying to coat on her and I asked my dad, Hey for Christmas can you get Mae a pair of these snow pants. They go outside at school in the winter lol she needs snow pants. He asked how much they were and said yes! Oooo thank you to my daddy!

After we went to see his mom, he had to stop at the bank. Ahhh the bank that is right next door to the Fareway! He dropped me off and I got the last $30 I had in groceries. Funny he saw the pizzas, that were on sale btw lol, and I was like look we have 3 lunches to get through til I have those all important food stamps lol. I think he forgot to look at all the white packages I had too lol. Bought stuff for spaghetti, meatloaf, and beef stew, ooo yea and the yummy yummy roast I had cooking at home.

It was a pretty good week, if you minus the freaking panic attack that sent me screaming into see the psych doctors. I don't feel bad about going to see them. I have a lot on my plate and I have a lot of stress that I just can't deal with on my own. I'd rather go see someone then sit here at home, like some people do, and ignore the fact that while I'm ok, I could be better.

Well it's off to church we go. Have a good sunday everyone!

One holiday down, one to go! I've already got a place lined up for me and Mae to hang out at on Christmas. Mom decided when Grandpa died that we should have Christmas at the house. I don't know what happened to the house, but I think it's shrunk. I remember there being lots of people for a holiday, but now...there are just way to freaking many of us to fit into the house.

How do I know this? Because last weekend I threw two of my closest friends a dinner birthday party. I made meatloaf, mashed potatos, corn, and best of all a triple chocolate fudge cake with triple chocolate fudge chip icing! There were four adults and two little girls (4 and 5) and it was a squeeze. So much so that I had to ask my oldest friend if she could possibly leave the two teenagers at home because I had no idea where I was going to put them.

My mom has invited, including her and my dad, like 15 to 20 people. I have no idea how they are going to fit in here. Plus if she wants the kids to eat in the living room she better buy a damned sheet of plastic to put on the floor. In the summer you can get away with that many people because for the most part we hang outside. But Christmas? Yea, I'm not holding out much hope.

Anyways back to yesterday. I fought all day with myself about going down. Like I said, I really really didn't want to go. But I got up took my medication and chilled out for a while. Got up, got the two of us ready, picked out enough clothes and then sat on my ass. That's when the text messages started lol.

Are you still coming? Are you coming for the 1 to 3 like you said? Dad says he will bring Mae into town so she can stay the night. So I jumped on that one lol. I'm sorry but a little break from Mae is always welcome. Come on she's four and four year olds don't know how to STFU lol.

Drove the hour down and the car was fine. Driving the hour back the car decided it wanted to work on over heating and oh yea NO HEAT. Maaaan, I tell you what!

But I got down there and said hi to my dad, my uncle, kissed all my neices and nephew. Said happy thanksgiving to my mom. Ooo did I forget to mention that I had to take part of a xanex 20 minutes into my trip down. Its only an hour drive!

As I got closer to the 15 minute mark of the trip I could feel my chest getting tight and I could feel it just rising. I was a smart girl this time and my medication was in my purse. I stopped at a stop sign and broke one into 1/4ths and by the time I got there I was feeling better.

I'm glad I only stayed long enough to have a smoke and give my uncle and sister the pictures I had for them. My mom said hi but wouldn't look at me. Then she sat at the other end of the house. Let me tell you, AWKWARD! Mom and dad went to do something and I figured I'd make my escape then.

I didn't even have a beer with my Uncle because I was leaving so soon.

I kissed everyone good bye, hollared bye to Katie who was in the shower, and then to my Dad.

I get outside and here comes my dad. He tells me happy thanksgiving again and that it will be ok. I looked at him and told him I hope so.

I knew that my mom wouldn't be able to handle it and I knew it would be awkward. So I'm glad that I left and she got her house back. Hopefully since I didn't go to Thanksgiving and I have no intention at this time to be here for Christmas she won't tell me I can't go to the hotel in February.

My three good sets of friends are going, wouldn't it suck ass if I got uninvited?

So thanksgiving at my house wasn't all bad. I made some hamburger helper, I watched tv, and I freaking slept off and on til I finally went to bed. Sometimes I think the whole not sleeping thing is what makes the anxiety and depression worse. But now I've got a grief counselor, a therapist, and a psychiatrist who can help me process all that I have going on.

The funny thing is, is I know what I'm supposed to do. Hell the therapist just kind of laughs and says your right that's what you should do. But my mother...ahh my mother disagrees. Good to know the person with the degrees says I'm doing a good job at avoiding the conflict.

Anyways...that's about it. I'm going to either take a nap in bed or hit the couch with the remote in hand. Wait for Mae to get back and then just chill. I think I may have enough money left after getting gas to rent a movie. Have a great weekend.

Today has just been one big emotional day. I was really not prepared in any way for this day. It was probably one of the crappiest days I've had.

Though, it wasn't all bad. I did talk to my sister. She did some talking with mom and of course it wasn't pretty. Mom denied saying what she said. Brianne didn't stick up for me, she just stated the facts. You can't stick up for anyone with my mom, but stating the facts is a very fine line between them. I didn't want her to stick up for me, I wasn't talking to her to use her as the go between. I just needed someone to talk to.

I know that I needed to apologize to my mom for THE WAY I said what I said. I won't apologize for saying it because it's what I believe. She called tonight while I was at work to apologize and she didnt mean it the way I took it. She sounded sincere. I don't want to fight with my mom. I love my mom. But I can't be around her for extended periods of time face to face or on the phone. I did apologize for the way I said it.

They want me to come for Thanksgiving. I don't want to go. I really really do not want to go to my moms house. I have to go though. It's not fair to Mae. I'm doing a shitty compromise, but if we do go, we can go for a couple hours and get home before dark. I want to be with them, I want to stay the night. I just don't trust myself to do it. Am I blaming my mom? No, this is about me not her. She doesn't get it.

My sister gets the reasons and that it's not to hurt my mom. My mom doesn't get that. If I wanted to hurt my mom this isn't the way I'd do it. Hell I don't even know how to hurt her lol thats how much thought ive given it.

I have to figure out how to go and not go insane. But truly I don't want to go. I want to stay home in my pajamas and rent Mae a movie and do nothing but just breathe.

My mom has always been like this Brenda, just not to the extreme she is now. Yes I know she is grieving, but damn it, pick a better target, pick a different target.

I had my appointment this morning and was so upset and spilled so much that before the time was even up, she had me in with the prescribing doctor.

So now I have prescriptions for prozac and xanex. Im supposed to take 3 xanex a day for the anxiety and the prozac for depression once a day. I'm hoping they help.

How bad is it that you have two grown daughters; they are both in therapy, and both of their therapists tell them they need to limit their contact with their mother? That the only way for us to get better is to limit contact?

Its crazy to me, but what else is there?

The doctor told me today that if I was abusive then I wouldn't be worried about it. That I would be blaming everything on someone else, I wouldn't feel all upset, and I would just go on. I guess that makes me feel better, but then I talk to my sister.

She tells me that mom says she never said that. Again how very convienent that my mom says she didnt say it so it must be true. First thing my mom asked her was how big a bitch I told her she was. I didn't tell my sister that, I told her that I told mom she was being a mean bitch. My mom is never going to change, and she will never accept the change within me. So I need to limit the contact I have with her.

My sister says she will try to be there, but she has a life. I just think that sometimes I cant be the only one trying.

I have to get through the holidays and get through the grief, but i don't have to feel like I do. The therapist said I was right in the leaving that I do, the not talking about something I dont want to. That yes of course I have issues, but I can't take on someone else's issues.

So the cycle of medication begins, I really hope it works because I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to do blogs about how I just want to not wake up. i want me back, or at least the best me I can be since I dont have that one man in my life who made it all ok. Thanks Brenda, I know what you mean about losing that one person. It sucks ass on so many levels that we shouldnt have to be dragged through someone elses'

I am not ok. I havn't been ok for awhile. All I know is that I don't know how much longer Mae can be my reason to keep going on. I mean would it really be that awful for her to be raised by her dad. Ok so I know the answer is Yes it would, but more days than not I just pray that I go to sleep and don't wake up.

I can't slit my wrists because I don't want to die in pain. I don't have medication that I can take to zap me out. I just keep going because of my girl. She is the only reason I keep getting up and keep trying.

I can not be the horrible person I am feeling like. I can not be so worthless and useless. I refuse to belive it, sometimes. Otherwise I walk around feeling like this horrible person who is so awful that there is nothing I can do to make it right.

My mom had gotten to be a mean bitch who says horrible things since Grandpa died. She doesn't see it, she doesn't care all she cares about is if I'm giving her money, if the house is clean, and what can I do for her and how fast can I get it done.

This weekend was the last straw. I can not feel like this anymore. Especially now that I find out that I was abusive to my Grandpa. I don't recall being abusive to him, I don't recall doing the things that could be considered abusive. My sister said I had said some things she didn't like, but she never thought I was abusive.

But my dear mom told my friend that she wasn't going to take my abuse anymore not like her dad did.

I didn't know that everything I did, all the times I tattled, all the times I had to yell at him to not eat the food that was 3 weeks old, that that was being abusive. I didn't know that by taking him to his appointments, cooking his food, trying to keep him off the road as much as possible, was abusive.

I am a horrible person that I couldn't see the harm I caused my grandpa. I can not live with the fact that someone out there thinks I abused my grandpa. I didnt, I know I didnt! But if thats what people are thinking and saying...well I guess I did.

The house is an issue. Who comes into someones house and tells them how good it looks, then looks for dirt? Then says oh you were doing so good about keeping the house clean? It takes me an hour to clean my house. Thats doing the bathroom, the living room, and the kitchen. An hour to make it all sparkly. If the house was so horrible how come it takes an hour to put it back together?

Money...I can never give enough money to my mom. I give her every damn dime I have. I will make my bills late so that she has money. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I can't find a better job. She doesn't understand that. I keep looking, I keep getting rejected. Well I guess that just proves how horrible I am, if even damned KMart wont hire me.

All these favors, I do them. If I can't do them right away I get hounded about when its going to be done. This picture of Grandpa my mom was going to take away from me because I hadn't gotten to WalMart and made another copy in the size she wanted. Who does that? It's like if you don't do something for her right that minute then your awful and horrible.

She wanted a collage of the pictures that I have. I offered it to her, I can get my own later. No no no, but hey why not go get another one made. Ok but then I have to pay for it and I dont have a lot of extra money.

The carpet in the house. We got new carpet. My mother hates(hated) it and proceeded to tell anyone who would listen that she hated it and it was all my fault. Then all my friends were liars and not wanting to hurt my feelings and thats why they said it looked nice and they liked it. If she didn't want it then she shouldn't have gotten it. She never hasn't gotten what she wanted so why start now?

I just don't know what to do. I just really do not want to wake up again. I just want it to all go away because I am not strong enough to handle what my mother is dishing out to me.

I don't know why I'm her target but I am and I am just supposed to take everything she says and not resond. Well Saturday I responded.

Responded so hard that my friend came and dragged me and Mae to her house. Popped me a half a xanex and then found out that I was abusive to Grandpa.

I told my mom I think she needs counseling. I told her this before Saturday. Finally Saturday I told her that she has become this mean hateful person since her dad died and she needed to get some grief counseling.

Yea, I was abusive. And she isn't going to take it anymore. Oh wait she is when she wants something. She called yesterday for money, today she called because she wanted I don't know what. I told her the truth I want to kill myself and I can't talk to you until I'm better.

I am pretty happy most times, at least I think. I don't bring my problems to everyone, I listen to them, and I do what friends do.

I just can't take the criticism from my mother anymore. I don't understand it. I do all kinds of things for her, and make sure when she is here that there is stuff she can eat and drink, but I'm rotten and horrible, and abusive.

I don't understand how doing the things I do makes me this kind of person. I am always putting everyone else in front of myself. If you ask me to do something I do it, I don't tend to hesitate. Even if I'm sick, not feeling good, in a bad place, whatever it is...I tend to do it.

I keep saying this but it's the truth, I don't get how if I'm this horrible, rotten, abusive person I have close friends, who aren't afraid for me to be around them or their families. If I'm so damned horrible why did someone at work tell me I had a very pleasant personality. I don't get it, I don't get it.

What I do get is that I want it all to just end. I want it to just stop. I want to make everything go away. I keep hearing I'm a strong person, yea well I don't feel so strong. I just feel fucking miserable and that nothing I do will ever be good enough and if its not then what the hell am I hanging around for? How long can I make Mae my priority. If I'm so horrible awful and abusive, maybe I'm doing it to her and I don't even know it. Why should she have a mom who is like that?

What's the use really? I just don't know what is wrong with me? What exactly did I do that was so horrific that I have to feel like this? I don't like feeling this way. I know that something has to change and until I can get someone to hire me at a real job, then I'm stuck.

I have an appointment with the therapist this morning. I hope she can help, I just don't know. I'm tired of crying over this, I'm tired of feeling worthless. If she is hurting this bad why does she have to dump it on me? Doesn't she know that I'm hurting too? Doesn't she know what it's like to come home and it just be 2 instead of 3? But I guess I'm just making up my feelings because an abuser doesn't care about anyone but themselves right?

Maybe one day it will get better, but I don't see that day. I used to feel like my life was spiraling out of control and I couldn't see the drain. These days I don't feel like I'm spiraling, I feel like I'm actually trying to hold onto the drain lip so it doesn't suck me down.

Other than that, life is just grand! I love my girl, I love my friends, I just don't love me anymore. But then who would, abusive people get what they deserve in the end and I guess i'm finding the end.

Here I sit procrastinating again. I don't know why I get myself into these things. This time, again, I did it to myself. It always seems like a good idea at the time, and then the actual work begins.

This week two of my friends had birthdays. I am one broke bitch! Let me tell you what lol I am a broke girl. I'm so broke that I paid my car insurance ahead of time so next week I can give my mom more money then usual. Since I am broke, and can't afford gifts for my friends, I decided that I would give them a party.

Thankfully I was a smart girl and it will actually be a small dinner party. I only invited the birthday girls, the boyfriend of one of the girls, my mom, and the two little girls. My house is kind of little when it comes to getting a lot of people together and you have to be inside. Thankfully my one friend understood because I had to ask if she could leave her two older kids at home. Not that I didn't want them here, but we just don't have a place for them to eat at. With the new carpet in the living room, kids don't get to have anything in there.

So far today I've baked the cake, picked up the living room, cut the onions for the meatloaf, got the laundry together. I've been pretty busy. So now all I have to do is get the laundry downstairs, the bathroom cleaned, the meatloaf made, the cake decorated, and my mess cleaned up. That's just the stuff I have to do in the house lol. I have errands that I have to run today too.

Then since I will be out and about I'm going to go to the mall and get my sister's Christmas present. I have a Kay's card, I don't know why they gave me one lol. But I have one and I've been paying on it faithfully. So I have a lot of credit on that card. I think I may also buy myself something nice. Unless of course I decide to get two of the cheapo gifts and give them to the girls.

But I want something nice lol so maybe I'll have to buy all of us girls the cheapo diamond earrings.

Ok I guess I had better get my butt in gear lol. I love my friends, and I love parties, and I love food. Today will be a great day and if the food tastes like shit thats ok, I have 2 bottles of Moscato chilled in the fridge!

I'm online for my enjoyment. I am on lots of different websites, so I can say a bunch of different shit and either elicit a response or just post because I want to. I look at what I want and I comment on what I want. I'm not generally afraid to say something. I do know when it's better to not say anything at all if I have a differing opinon(Brenda, I have a different opinion about then your other friends....thats why i just said hugs) because noone likes to be jumped on.

I will say shit about the way you look, act, dress, things you post publicly...If you don't want someone to comment then don't share. I say all these things as a generalization. I'm not going to totally fuck someone's day up, unless of course they ask me to. And when you put shit out for the public to see you can't expect everyone to agree or be all rosey.

So that being said! Remember awhile back when Mae's Dad had some girl and she in turn came at me through another website? How he told me that she was a convicted sex offender. Yea well I left that one alone. Ok so I looked at the psycho bitch, and yea she's a psycho even on paper. Anyways! I have a friend from high school and now he is hooked up with her in the lifestyle.

How do I know this? Was I "stalking" her profiles? Was I scouring the net for some peice of information? Was I have no life of my own and obsessing over someone that was taken care of a ways back? The answer to all is no. I was minding my own business, saying all the bullshit I spew on a daily basis, and then I got a friend request on another sight from someone I didn't know. On that other site I don't add very many people as my friend. I think at the moment I have 3 or maybe 4. I don't feel the need to friend EVERYBODY. I just dont, so I look at anyone who requests me.

Oooo lawdy lord! It turns out to be the crazy psycho. The girl who tried to start shit with me and the kids dad, the one who is sooo fucking stupid that she tried to say she was forced to have sex with a 15 year old because it was tradition, she couldnt say no. Blah Blah Blah! She was the one arrested and charged because she was the one in the wrong. If she had been raped the police would have also charged that person with rape. Guess what? They didn't they charged her. Anyways! She has a new Owner, she has a new girlfriend...blah blah....and the Owner is my highschool friend. What the hell?

If you want me out of your internet life...why invite me into it? Why poke me? Do you really want me to be the big bad bitch(as if lol)? I have no problem saying a lot of bullshit, I can taylor what I spew out to make you think I'm talking about you, but in reality you only wish lol. So I'm waiting to see what my friend says to my email.

I can be friends with him, I dont have to be friends with her. So I sent him a question. Asking why his pedofile assed psycho is sending me friend invites when she has already started drama in my life. I'm hoping the answer is he told her to, not that he didnt know. Because seriously...why do you want to fuck with me? I don't have anything, I don't do anything, unless of course something that I've written has felt like a poke against her.

I don't know, bottom line is sometimes you cant fix psycho.

Tonight I'm giving in and ordering some chinese! The pizza sucked so bad even Mae didn't eat it lol.

So it's chinese tonight and hamburger helper the next 2 nights and then a big ol roast on sunday!

I have a blog somewhere in me I just can't figure out how to make it appear.

So you get a fake blog. :)

I had a great weekend! My mom and I went to Joliet for my cousin's 50th birthday party.

Oooo my lord it was a great time!

Some of it is too hot for the net lol.

Sadly the big long blog that I could write about this, is kind of stuck and it's time to grocery shop lol

Some days you just can't believe what your hearing. I was told awhile ago by another person that Mae's dad was telling people that I was telling her that he was dead. That I am such a monster, I told a 4 year old, who just lost her great grandpa, that her dad was also dead.

I have done a lot of things, I may have been a lot of things, BUT one thing I wouldn't do is tell MY Mae that her dad was dead, UNLESS he was really dead. That's the only way you tell a child that their parent is dead, if they're dead.

Today I was talking to a friend of mine who mentioned that she saw Mae's dad not that long ago. And he told her that he heard it around that I was telling Mae he was dead. My friend said she was floored and immediately told him NO. She knows me, she knows what the situation regarding him is, she has been around me and Mae and knows what is going on with us. She knows I didn't do it and most importantly knows I wouldn't do that to Mae.

I find it pathetic and sad that this man would be going around to people and telling them this garbage. I love my daughter more than I can ever say or show. I would never hurt her like that. Why would I risk destroying a future relationship with my daughter over HIM!?!?

It is not my fault that he is unable, or unwilling to quit smoking or drinking to be able to afford to see his child. That is not my burden to bear. I do everything I have to do to make sure Mae has what she needs. Having kids means that you sacrifice for them. It sucks ass but that's how it is. Didn't want to put someone else first in your life, well then you shouldn't have had kids.

I don't know what kind of mental illness he has, but he should probably go see someone about the delusions in his head. It just proves to me that he wouldn't be above telling her I was dead if the situation was reversed.

I don't know, I just don't know.

Ok, so here's the deal. I did NOT vote for Obama. I did not belive one word that came out of his mouth. I did not belive he would be able to do anything he was promising.

I know nothing about politics and this is strickly my own words and feelings about this subject. I won't debate my feelings because I will never believe your right and I don't expect you to believe I'm right. So pffft! Anyways!

I don't know of one thing that Obama has done that I approve of. Maybe there is something out there, but I havn't run across it. Or I just don't remember because I hate everything else.

My family is Democrat ALL the way! My mom would say you'll go up in a puff of smoke if you vote Republican. Well, after years of voting straight Democrat, I voted Republican. I did not go up in a puff of smoke, didn't even see a half assed puff.

I voted for McCain and Palin. I was all for them because if Hillary, who even though she has issues, has for the most part been able to get some stuff done. Kind of like been there done that, now I get to be in charge, ya know? I figured that we had already lived through Bush, what was 4 more years!? And now I really wonder!

The bailouts! Oooo seriously the bailouts pissed me off! The auto bail out put business' in my state out of business. The houseing bailouts made me want to bitch slap a whole lot of people!

You have $1000 as your budget. That means you ONLY have $1000 to spend. If you KNOW that you only have a $1000 and go out and get a mortgage for $1500 you deserve to be slapped. I don't know how these people didn't understand that if you can't afford it, YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT so you don't get it! And any company willing to lend to them was stupid as well.

I get why they bailed the homeowners out, so we didn't have the homeless rate go way up. At least I hope that's why they did it.

But I still think that Obama is doing a shit job, and that's my opinion.

Today I voted Democratic because we need the people to work together until we can get someone new in office. But it makes me laugh to see that the Republicans are winning all over. Now lets see how bad both sides can fuck this up!

Because all I can see is a lot of bickering and a lot of standing around. I don't know whats going to happen, but I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be good. Does anyone know a good fallout shelter I could hide in til we get a new guy in Washington?

We survived Halloween! Sunday I took Mae and Sid trunk or treating down at the church.

That was a nice experience. I may have to look more into it next year. You know map out what churches are doing it when. Then I can just haul her butt around to them instead of freezing on the night of lol. Ok who am I kidding she won't be happy unless she goes out lol.

My friends older kids took the two little girls trick or treating Sunday night. Took them an hour to walk to the end of our block lol. So we sent them back out after they brought the girls back.

The girls got virtually zero chocolate. They did however get all that gross candy they like lol. The older kids went behind us on the next block and that was where all the chocolate was hiding out lol.

They brough back minis and regular size bars.

I was able to get a decent haul myself lol. Took a box of hostess to do it, but I did good lol. Well if your following me on facebook you know how well lol.

This weekend is my weekend. Going to go out of state with NO mae!! WoooHooo! So I have something to look forward to and Thursday is conference day at school. Joy o Joy!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOhhhhhh my tummy hurts just thinking about it. It's Halloween. The time of year that adults get to eat all kinds of good chocolate without having to buy it. The time of year where kids all over the country are going I swear to gaawwd that I had (insert name of good candy here) when I went to bed last night, what happened to it? As parents all over wipe their mouth a lil more, tuck in the wrapper behind them on the chair and just smile and say I dunno lol.

Mae will end up with 3 bags of candy this year. I'm taking her to a church down the roads trunk or treat and then tomorrow night is trick or treating. Tonight we brought home a little goody bag from a party we went to.

My cousin and his family moved 2 months ago and they had their housewarming/halloween party tonight. WE HAD A BLAST! His wife had bought these halloween stickers and blank bags at hobby lobby for 40% off and we decorated bags. She sent them home with a goody bag of candy, pencils, suckers, and a cup. I know there are snickers in that bag lol I swear I think she made them up for the adults.

It was a nice time, though it was work. When I was a child, and I mean like Mae's age, just a little older I saw my cousin all the time. His grandma used to babysit me. But after we got older we only saw each other at family stuff. Now as adults you have to work to have a relationship. Facebook is a wonderful thing for helping relationships. Though we know it works the other way too. But I don't know his wife, or even his kids. I know who they are, I can look at a picture and tell you who it is, but I don't know them. So I had to make an effort to talk to his wife and my cousins daughter in law. All people who I like and are very pleasant, but its still work to try to engage people when you dont really know each other than to say hey this is my family.

BUT i had a good time, it was worth the effort, and I got to talk to my Aunt and let her know that I'll be going to church tomorrow. Ive been out of town the last 3 weeks and havn't gone. And I left her a message letting her know that i wasnt going to be able to go til this weekend and good thing i said something because she thought i was going out tonight. LOL i wish i was out and about but truth is...the no alcohol party was not a bad thing.

Anyways....happy halloween, i'm off to raid the candy!