Today has just been one big emotional day. I was really not prepared in any way for this day. It was probably one of the crappiest days I've had.

Though, it wasn't all bad. I did talk to my sister. She did some talking with mom and of course it wasn't pretty. Mom denied saying what she said. Brianne didn't stick up for me, she just stated the facts. You can't stick up for anyone with my mom, but stating the facts is a very fine line between them. I didn't want her to stick up for me, I wasn't talking to her to use her as the go between. I just needed someone to talk to.

I know that I needed to apologize to my mom for THE WAY I said what I said. I won't apologize for saying it because it's what I believe. She called tonight while I was at work to apologize and she didnt mean it the way I took it. She sounded sincere. I don't want to fight with my mom. I love my mom. But I can't be around her for extended periods of time face to face or on the phone. I did apologize for the way I said it.

They want me to come for Thanksgiving. I don't want to go. I really really do not want to go to my moms house. I have to go though. It's not fair to Mae. I'm doing a shitty compromise, but if we do go, we can go for a couple hours and get home before dark. I want to be with them, I want to stay the night. I just don't trust myself to do it. Am I blaming my mom? No, this is about me not her. She doesn't get it.

My sister gets the reasons and that it's not to hurt my mom. My mom doesn't get that. If I wanted to hurt my mom this isn't the way I'd do it. Hell I don't even know how to hurt her lol thats how much thought ive given it.

I have to figure out how to go and not go insane. But truly I don't want to go. I want to stay home in my pajamas and rent Mae a movie and do nothing but just breathe.