Sick! It's my turn! We got to the motel Friday after a crappy drive. Wouldn't you know that it would have to start snowing a couple hours before we left!

Driving down my gramps informed me that I wasn't to do more than 60 so we didn't end up in the ditch. The funny thing is at the time I was doing less than 50 lol.

Kimmi and I had a great time! We ate way to much lol. Had drinks in the hot tub. Ate way to much again lol. Had another couple drinks and more time in the hot tub.

I took along the dvd player so we could veg out in the room.

When we got there Katie pretty much dropped what she was doing to give me a hug. I gave her and my nieces and nephew their WalMart crap. They loved it. Would have been better if everytime I tried to hold the baby my sister and bil didn't come to scoop her back from me. Or the time I was trying to talk to the baby and my sister reached down and pulled the baby on the other side of her. I'm going to try to pretend she didn't realize I was talking to the baby!

Spent some time with the family, but mostly relaxed! It was a good time, even if the badness hadn't happened.

This morning I woke up about 5 and was just freaking sick! I was throwing up so bad and then the back end started! Good lord it sucked ass! Kimmi was sick last night. We ATE WAY TO MUCH FOOD!

Though for me it was more than just food! I just wish they would have stopped saying I drank to much. BECAUSE lol I hadn't had much at all in the way of drinking. Hell Kimmi drank more than me, and she doesn't drink that much lol.

But she was such a good friend. Heard me puking and wanted to bring me a washcloth, but they were in the bathroom with me lol. I told her on the drive home I appreciated it because I don't have anyone to take care of me when I'm sick. But I have a Kimmi!!

We made it home in great time, especially since I felt the need to puke and shit again! Oh joy o joy! Thankfully grandpa watched Mae while I passed out for another 4 hours. Yea I'm not real happy.

About an hour ago I finally ate something. And now I'm just praying that in the morning I feel much better lol.

At least I got the 2 days of hot tubs n margarita's in before the sickness found me.

It was a great time with family and I can't wait for next year. BUT FIRST....a trip to Des Moines with Mae during spring break to go swimming at a hotel's waterpark!

Hopefully I won't find myself sick that day lol.

Hope everyone had a good weekend, and welcome home Dawn, now get back to bed lol!

I'm pretty sure that I said I was prepared for a No. I lied! I had a big ass fit, and my mother got the brunt of it. Yes, I apologized.

I've been bringing up spring break to Katie since Christmas. I've expressed in a dozen different ways how much it would mean to me, Ryder, and grandpa if she chose to come up and visit us.

Her answer was I have to see what's going on around here then. AT THE TIME up until like,oooo TODAY!, there wasn't anything going on. Not one god damned thing! Hell from what my mom told me Saturday/Sunday my sister wanted her to watch the kids so her and my bil could spend some time together. I guess there fighting.

I was trying to grab a power nap and everyone kept calling me. I basically shopped all morning trying to find shoes and a swim suit. I got a cheap ass pair of shoes and some pretty good chinese. Yea not real successful.

My mom calls after I talked to my cousin for a good 40 minutes and drops the fucking bomb.

Katie will not be coming up here for spring break.....BECAUSE.... my sister has decided she is going to take them to Branson, MO with tax money! WTF!! I have been asking and talking about spring break for like almost 2 months!!

She knew! THAT FUCKING BITCH knew that I was begging for time with Katie. And she picks that time to go. She picks then to just have to go, yea I don't care that her friend has a time share. If her friend has a time share today she will have it tomorrow. They went to fucking Branson last year!

I am sooo beyond angry. I am sooo beyond hurt. I am sooo beyond every and all emotions I can come up with. I can't get ahead. I can't win for losing. My bitch sister in that lovely text, all but dared me to prove myself. I have! Over and Over again! But it's like slamming my head against a brick wall.

I have to be done slamming my head into that wall. I am going to have to just forget having any kind of relationship with Katie. I'm going to have to get over my mother's guilt trip when I choose to not go to her house when my sister is there and it's just the immediate family. Oh but by doing that I'm spiting myself, according to my mother, but what she doesn't seem to understand is that I would rather miss out on those occasions to avoid all the uncomfortableness.

She says they all walk on eggshells around me. Um, seriously? WTF I go down, am on my best behavior like a 12 yr old who was threatened with no Wii for a month, and they are walking on eggshells? I don't go down to avoid bullshit but I'm wrong. I don't say shit to anyone about anything how the hell are they walking on eggshells? What have I done exactly to bring that on. Oh wait I know!

I was a teenager and a horrible person and Oh yea, now that I'm almost 35 I never changed. I never grew up. I never did anything except continue to be so horrible and selfish. Bah!

I'm tired of trying to make them see the changes. The harder I try the more I revert back to old habits and patterns. You can't make a person accept your change unless they are willing to let go and really look at the person as they are today.

So it was a Monday from hell, AGAIN! I'm so so tired of it all! I just wish that someone would tell me which sin I'm still paying for, because I'm tired of it.

See I do know a thing or two about the way things work with my mom. She tried to pull some bullshit with me and of course being so obediant, yes sarcasm, I went ahead and did it for her.

Hung over and just wanting to spend the day in my bed, I didn't do that til after 3 this afternoon. I ended up staying at my friends house last night. We drank forever and then both of us passed out for a minute in the living room. I woke up and went to the bed lol.

Well we were up early. By 9 we were having breakfast. By 11 I was standing in line for a sandwhich. After coming home and my friend trying to shovel my gramps out of the snow drift that he thought was a good place to park the car. We ended up having to call my brother to pull it out.

Then my mother wants me to go get beer thats on sale. I was like, I'm hungover and I really don't want to go back out again. Seriously, I was in need of some sleep.

She pulled the same old bullshit about how I don't do anything for her and I stopped her. I was like look I was there the last 2 Saturdays. THEN I turned that shit around on her!

I told her that I WANTED something for doing something for her. That's when she was all don't do it, I don't want you to. I told her I didn't say I wouldn't do it, but yes it was an imposition.

Told her I wanted her to help make get whatever Katie to come up for Spring Break. I don't care. Tired of doing the right thing. I wanted her to back me and push for it! Told her that we need to see her. We need to see her for an extended period of time. That if we were a fucking divorced couple, I would have that time, and regardless of her wanting to not come she would still have to come.

WTF am I the only one who sees this? Plus I'm still trying to pinpoint exactly what it is that I am wrong of. I have paid in spades for whatever I've done. I just can't figure it out, and noone says.

Sometimes I think it's easier for them to hide behind the good of Katie. Well you know what, what about the good of me, grandpa and Mae.

Anyways...I'm ranting. It was a weird night last night and today with my mom's attitude it sucked. Oh and of course I was the bad guy for not wanting to go do something. Yea I'm a bit aggravated and emotional. Katie does that to me. Sighs!

Ok, one more getting it out blog and then I'm going to bed. The plant my dad worked at closed and he took a job with this other plant. Working 2nd shift, and Saturdays. My dad worked Monday through Friday 1st shift. Overtime gave him Saturdays.

15 years of this. All nights, weekends, major holidays spent together. Now they aren't together as much and my mom is lonely. She isn't used to being home alone. She said the first week she was hearing noises. SIGH!

The last two weekends I've gone to her house on Saturday, because she was LONELY. Good daughter that I am, hungover a bit lol, I made the hour drive. Called the kid's dad and told him it would be the later time for picking her up. Went down and watched movies and drank some beer with mom.

The next Saturday comes, she's lonely. This time though she adds some passive aggressive shit to the mix when I was trying to not go. Again... I may have been a little hungover. It was Saturday after all and the night before was PARTYerr Friday lol. She starts in on I need to be a big girl, suck it up, blah blah. I'll be there by 5 mom.

That woman called me a bunch of times before I left. My friend bough a 6 pack for her, which I have to get him the cash lol. She wanted pie, She wanted to know where I was, She wanted to know where I was again. Seriously, I was tired before I went down there lol.

BUT I am a good daughter! After some bitching to my friend about having to go lol I got on the road. I even stopped and picked up goodies for us on top of the pie.

Mom even facebooked that I had brought treats lol. I took the garlic rye chips from the Gardettos. Yay for bags of just those. And an apple fritter from Caseys. She was happy. I took some movies along.

Man sleep watching movies is hereditary lol.

It wasn't a bad weekend, it just really sucked that I had to do that driving when I really just wanted to stay home. I don't mind going and visiting my mom, but we can only get along for so long. I don't want to spend so much time with her that it ends up with a massive fight because we've over done our stay with each other.

WELLLLL now my Friday night is about to be invaded, possibly. All depending on the weather determines who I'm partying with on Friday. Mom lives an hour out of town and sucks at driving in bad weather. We are supposed to get some bad weather tomorrow, maybe. Well she asked, in her way, but more kinda suggested and told me that I should agree to her plan.

Ok so I'm all about following orders from the Person. But maaaan, I have a very hard time just taking it with my mom lol. Though for the most part it really is easier to just suck it up and do it, because it's a pretty good bet that I'll have a good time. THOUGH it would be nice to actually have a choice not just a pretend one lol.

Anyways, Friday night is my night with the boys! Pretty much every Friday except holidays, excluding NYE, we hang out for at least a drink. Well this Friday with it possibly being bad, I'm now hanging with my mom. Trying to convince her to go to the bar we go to, stopping at my friends house, and just going with our flow.

I don't see it happening! She wants to go see a band. She has a hotel room for us. I don't have a problem partying with my mom. I just really don't want to go to the bar with the bands. They aren't my kind of bar. And if I'm going to go to them, I want to be able to at least look like I gave a shit when I left the house. Remember I'll be stinking like a sandwhich and my hair will be shit after being in a pony and hat!

Yea I change my shirt and perfume it up, but you still get that underlying scent lol.

Yes I will have fun! But damn, please please let my mom let it down enough that we can go do my Friday night lol. I'm scared lol this could all blow up. Usually she only is this nice to me when her n my sister are fighting. At least that's how I see it. Which is probably skewed. I admit that, but IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!!!

I have a ritual, I like my ritual, I like hanging with my friends. Creature of habit, but please dear god don't let my mom become a habit!!!

Better to blog about it then to let it float inside my head. I have a really really really good (bad) feeling that when I ask Katie about spring break that the answer will be no.

I love my daughter, and I hate to think like that. BUT from all previous attempts to spend time with her, I hear that No.

I really wish I could get someone other than my friends on my side for my wanting to have her come visit. She already told me there isn't any school activities going on. Just whatever they are doing at their house. I DON'T CARE! I'm SELFISH. I want to spend time with her. WITHOUT my sister and the whole freaking clan.

She already calls my sister mom. I lost that fight! Do you know how hard it is to be the mom, because bottom line I am her mother! Even that my mom will say. When she was here for that over night my sister was asking her if everything was ok, and whatever else. Like something was going to happen. Oh wait, I might actually parent my daughter.

I buy my Katie A LOT of crap! I was thinking about how much crap I buy her today, and it's a lot. I was putting groceries away and I went to put stuff in the bottom drawer and there was the boxes of Twilight SweetTarts I bought for her. She's a Twilight FREEEEEAK. Then I came upon another bag. Told my grandpa that I was going to put it in his room. More crap for my Katie! Yes, Twilight! Hell, taxes come in, I'm going to be a big ol dork and buy her the Edward standup. She's Team Edward...ALL THE WAY! It was in a text so it must be real :)

Well as my low self esteem, and feelings towards the situation with my girl; my brain went into overdrive with bullshit. After the "adult" conversation with Katie the other day, I went that way again today.

Her phone called our house phone while she was in school today. Soo weird to be going um hello, hello, and listening to the background noise. I admit, I listened for a minute. It was good hearing her be a kid. Love my girl! I texted her and she texted me. Said she would call tonight. Yay she called!

Anyways, I said to her that I had bought her a lot of crap again. I always buy her crap lol. I told her that I love her very much and since she isn't here for me to show her blah blah, I buy her crap. I know your not supposed to buy your kid's love but that's not why I was doing it. I only buy her stuff like that because I don't see her. If she lived with me it would be like it is with Mae. If I have the money yes, If I don't no.

So I talked to her like an adult again. Because I wanted something, horrible of me, but I want to see her. I want her to know the reasons why I do things, and how much I love her, miss her, and that it's real. It's not some whatever teenagers can invent in their heads. I don't know what my sister says about me, but after that text, I can imagine. So I have to, or at least I feel like I have to, defend myself against real or imagined things.

I want Katie to know that I love her, regardless of the gifts. That the gifts are the only way I know to put some kind of image in her head of me that is real. I didn't say those last two things to her. But I did try to explain to her somethings.

I don't know how to impress on her that her sister needs to see her more too. Mae talks about Katie. Mae asks for Katie to come visit. I feel sad that I always have to tell her no. I don't know why they are still so against me not seeing Katie alone, Ok so many years ago I said I would just get Katie. I have been punished enough! Katie isn't with me because I did something to her. I don't know where it came from, because it came out of nowhere. I did the right thing. Yes, it hurts like hell, but I know I did the right thing.

I expected my sister to do the right thing as well. I expected to see Katie. I expected to talk to Katie. I expected that her AUNT would be her AUNT. Katie knows me as her mother, the world knows me as Katies mother. Katie had a life before the one she has now. Katie doesn't remember this. So for my sister to even say yes to her being called mom. Well that was, in my eyes, the worst hurt and betrayl I've had.

So I'm trying a different way in dealing with my Katie situation. And unfortunately, I already know the answer is No.

Heres to blogging to get it out of my head. If you get it great, If you don't I'm sorry, and If you just wanna slap me, Get in line lol

It begins again

Here we go again! It's back! I'm happy camping! Survivor Thursdays baby! I don't think obsessed describes it enough how much I enjoy Survivor!

I am guilty of loving every train wreck, piece of fluff, mind dissolving, brain rotting show there is out there. Just to make sure all that goo doesn't leak out the sides of my head, there are some real shows in there. Though some of the real shows lol, I'm not sure they qualify as much more than fluff lol.

I was at work the other night and A was like Survivor starts this week. Maaan I got excited, then she finished with Oh, next week. BUT for us Survivor junkies, there is a lil special on tonight. Yayyy Survivor Thursday's are back!

I know that this is shallow and stupid, but after being with Mae all day, I wanna watch tv at night. We tend to let her run the tv lol well Thursday's are mine baby!

Survivor, Grey's Anatomy, Project Runway, Housewives....then by the time it gets to 11 or Midnight Star Trek The Next Generation. I love my Thursday night tv nights lol.

I havn't been blogging lately because I just havn't felt like putting anything to the screen. Things are going good on all fronts and while I could go on and on about the good stuff, I just don't feel like sharing. Though you would be surprised at some of the good stuff lol.

I'm waiting and on countdown for the hotel party. I'm pretty sure I blogged about it lol. Maybe not here because I don't remember if that was still 360 days or not. BUT the party is fast approaching and I'm ready for 2 days of nothing but drinks and swim suits.

Anyways...I'll be back to ramble again.

Here's to being lazy with the blogging.

Some days~

There are some days that you just wish you could start all over again. This day is only partially like that. Well, if there is any fallout then it will totally be like that lol.

I woke up before the alarm this morning and didn't feel so hot. No big deal, figure I just needed to get moving and awake. Which was the case. Did the typical Monday morning routine and set about to be lazy till pick up time.

When you drop/pick up your child from school you have to sign in/sign out the child. Well today when I picked her up there was an action form. OMG! I gasped, literally, gasped out loud.

The form was for me to sign and be put into her file. I don't know what happened, but I do know my child well enough that maybe she wasn't provoked. Hey maybe she was and I'm just a bad mama for not believing the best of my child. Anyways!

Mae BIT another child on the shoulder so hard that she left teeth marks. They put her in time out. Talked to her about it being a red light, a no no. And from me they got the promise that we would be TALKING about this incident.

It's hard to talk to an almost 4 yr old about their actions. Especially mine. She just doesn't get it sometimes. Sometimes she totally gets it. But she doesn't tell you things. She really does live in her own lil world. Sound familiar lol.

We talked about how you do not bite! How it is not nice and acceptable behavior. And that she would have a consequence, punishment for being NAUGHTY! Even at 4 the punishment sucks for the adults lol.

We tend to let her take over the tv during the day. Well at least until Grandpa's shows are on. So I took tv away from her today. Well she can watch it, but it IS NOT on any of her channels. We got home from WalMart and grandpa decided it was ok for her to watch tv.

UM HELL NO! It's hard enough to enforce punishment with him, we are not going to start letting shit slide on this scale. So I told him again, FIRMLY, that Mae does not get to watch her shows today! She can watch them tomorrow. I'm sure by tomorrow she will have forgotten about why, so one day is good enough.

Ooooweee, it's been an interesting afternoon. Her toys didn't occupy her. The only thing that did was being all up my butt! Nothing new there, except it was ALL DAY lol.

I've expressed my concerns before about my parenting of Mae. The frustration, joy, horror, laughter, all of it. Well I did something about it! I contacted a counseling service and we are now going to be getting assistance. We started last Friday and this Friday will be our second session with the lady. Wow nice that I have something new we need to address and we just freakin started!!

The flip side of Mae today though was she shocked her teacher at school with how smart she is. She recognized almost the whole alphabet today. The letters were out of order and Mae was able to kick butt. Wooooo yay Mae, but the biting!

The second part of the day was a conversation I had with Katie. As you well know I'm always trying to find ways to be with her. With tax time upon us, I have some money so me and MY GIRLS can do something together. And Katie has spring break coming up.

Well I asked her if she wanted to do something with us, because I needed the dates of her break so I could plan. Well she hemmed and hawed and was all I don't know what we have going on. I asked her, do you have band? No. Well then what's the problem. She told me she didn't know what was going on at the house!

That's when I changed tactics and probably came off like a big ol bitch! I told her That I loved her and she was going to be an adult soon and I was going to talk to her like an adult. I told her that if she doesn't want to spend time with us, if she doesn't want to be with us, if she doesn't want to do things with us, that I wanted to hear it from her mouth. I wanted her to tell me to my face(ear) that she wasn't interested. That it would be much better than thinking she wasn't allowed to come. She understood, or so she said, you know teens. Then she was like again about stuff going on at the house. I told her that her helping my sister with her daycare kids was not a reasonable reason for not spending time with us! I also told her that I would like to know by the time of the hotel party.That way I could plan and get it done without rushing. Remember I'm a planner lol.

I'm waiting for this to bite me in the ass though. You know that Katie has to ask permission. I also know that there could be a discussion about what was said. After that last text from my sister, I'm really waiting to see what comes from this. I'm going to go with the assumption that Katie is going to say no. Well I called my mom after talking with Katie to let her know what I had said and such. Because if my sister is going to implode/explode it will be with my mom first. She didn't have a problem with what I said to Katie, she was just concerned about how we ended the call. Which I totally get, but we ended it well. At least it was well when I got off the phone with her. I told mom what I said about the babysitting not being a viable excuse.

That's when I got irritated with my mom. She told me well she has to help, or she helps out and...that's when I cut her off. Seriously it is my sister's business. It is my sister's responsibility. It is my sister that gets the paycheck and spends it the way their house needs it spent. Katie is almost 16 she shouldn't be expected to help out or not be able to make plans because my sister wants help. I know for a fact Katie already helps out with the 3 kids my sister has of her own.

So no I do not think that her helping my sister is a good reason. Like I said though, I asked Katie to give me her answer at the hotel part. That gives her 18 days to make up her mind. Again, I am all prepared for her to turn me down flat and if she does. Well that just means I stop trying.

I can't let this hurt me anymore. I don't know what to do anymore and to be honest...while giving up on my child isn't very nice. It's what I am going to have to do because I also have Mae to focus on. Sadly Katie won't ever know what she is missing with us because my sister's husband was able to give Katie everything I would never have been able to give her. One day though, maybe Katie will see what is really important and see that it's not all like she thinks it is.

Heres to that tax return making it into my account really really soon, I need a mini vacay!