I'm pretty sure that I said I was prepared for a No. I lied! I had a big ass fit, and my mother got the brunt of it. Yes, I apologized.

I've been bringing up spring break to Katie since Christmas. I've expressed in a dozen different ways how much it would mean to me, Ryder, and grandpa if she chose to come up and visit us.

Her answer was I have to see what's going on around here then. AT THE TIME up until like,oooo TODAY!, there wasn't anything going on. Not one god damned thing! Hell from what my mom told me Saturday/Sunday my sister wanted her to watch the kids so her and my bil could spend some time together. I guess there fighting.

I was trying to grab a power nap and everyone kept calling me. I basically shopped all morning trying to find shoes and a swim suit. I got a cheap ass pair of shoes and some pretty good chinese. Yea not real successful.

My mom calls after I talked to my cousin for a good 40 minutes and drops the fucking bomb.

Katie will not be coming up here for spring break.....BECAUSE.... my sister has decided she is going to take them to Branson, MO with tax money! WTF!! I have been asking and talking about spring break for like almost 2 months!!

She knew! THAT FUCKING BITCH knew that I was begging for time with Katie. And she picks that time to go. She picks then to just have to go, yea I don't care that her friend has a time share. If her friend has a time share today she will have it tomorrow. They went to fucking Branson last year!

I am sooo beyond angry. I am sooo beyond hurt. I am sooo beyond every and all emotions I can come up with. I can't get ahead. I can't win for losing. My bitch sister in that lovely text, all but dared me to prove myself. I have! Over and Over again! But it's like slamming my head against a brick wall.

I have to be done slamming my head into that wall. I am going to have to just forget having any kind of relationship with Katie. I'm going to have to get over my mother's guilt trip when I choose to not go to her house when my sister is there and it's just the immediate family. Oh but by doing that I'm spiting myself, according to my mother, but what she doesn't seem to understand is that I would rather miss out on those occasions to avoid all the uncomfortableness.

She says they all walk on eggshells around me. Um, seriously? WTF I go down, am on my best behavior like a 12 yr old who was threatened with no Wii for a month, and they are walking on eggshells? I don't go down to avoid bullshit but I'm wrong. I don't say shit to anyone about anything how the hell are they walking on eggshells? What have I done exactly to bring that on. Oh wait I know!

I was a teenager and a horrible person and Oh yea, now that I'm almost 35 I never changed. I never grew up. I never did anything except continue to be so horrible and selfish. Bah!

I'm tired of trying to make them see the changes. The harder I try the more I revert back to old habits and patterns. You can't make a person accept your change unless they are willing to let go and really look at the person as they are today.

So it was a Monday from hell, AGAIN! I'm so so tired of it all! I just wish that someone would tell me which sin I'm still paying for, because I'm tired of it.