So basically I have accepted God back into my life. I don't know how long He's going to hang out or I'm going to let him hang out; but for the moment God and I are on good terms. Or at least I'm on good terms with God. Either way it's all good.

So all good that I've lost the awww crap it's Saturday night which means I have to get up and go to church in the morning feeling. I don't mind getting up to spend an hour in church and with my great aunt. It's good for me and it's good for Mae and it's good for my cousins who don't have to get up to take there Mom to church in the morning. It's win win for everyone.

For awhile, even before my Grandpa died, I've been concerned about Mae and God. I may not be the "ideal" Catholic; I may also believe a lot of other things from other religions and walks of life; I am what God created lol but at then end of the day when it's all said and done I am a Catholic. Mae isn't baptized;Katie is. I don't remember all the little details about that time, but I know I had Katie baptized because that's what you're supposed to do, in my world, is get your kids baptized. I feel very strongly about this. I feel strongly that Mae needs to be baptized.

Problem is that I don't know anyone really who I would want for her godparents that are Catholic and have gone through all the stuff. I know one person but I'm not close enough to ask that of her. Though if it comes down to it I'll bite the bullet and ask this huge favor.

Along with this need to have her baptized is the need to have her go to Catholic school. I want, need this; and I really don't know why. Besides the fact that Grandpa would have liked it, I just know and feel strongly that Mae needs to get to her first communion. Today at church she said she wanted to walk down the aisle with the cross. The Deacon/Priest (I'm not sure which one he is) told her that she had to get to like 4th grade before she could do that. Hell I only wanted to get her to 2nd grade and her first communion lol. If Mae wants to do that well then I guess she will go for longer, if I can get her in. I have to get a better job so we can afford this.Her preschool teacher says the smaller class size would be good for her.

I am a very proud Mama! My 4 almost 5 year old little girl can say an Our Father almost perfectly! Today she even said it in church. My GAunt told me she heard her saying it. I was so proud! We have only been doing it for a week and a half maybe and she has it almost all the way down. She can't say thy for some reason lol so it's my lol but she is so cute saying it. I can just imagine how big the smile would have been and how proud my Grandpa would have been of her. That is my true regret that my Grandpa didn't get to see this because I didn't go to church with him. I should have and I didn't and I will regret it always. BUT when I did offer to go with him he always said no because of Mae lol so at least there were times that I offered to go. I get credit for trying Right?!?!?! LOL

I told my GAunt in the car this morning that she could do that and she asked me about a Hail Mary. OMG! I hadn't even thought about teaching her that one lol. Hell lol I had to say it out loud in the car with my GAunt to make sure I knew it/remembered it lol. She said it along with me and I did it...go me lol. So now we have another goal for Mae and that's to learn a Hail Mary.

Today at church I thanked God for being with me and for what He has helped me get through. Without this refound/renewed/reorganized faith that I've gotten since my Grandpa died I don't think that I would be as ok as I am now. I know that I have lots of issues with the Catholic religion but I believe that if God made us in His own image then He is the only one who can tell me I'm living my life wrong. And obviously I'm not living it to badly to be where I am at. Yes I have things to work on in my life. But I know I have it in me to do it. I am not one of those who will never be found. I've strayed off course but I'm still on the path enough that I'll more than squeek by when it comes time to add it all up.

Happy Sunday have a great week from the crazy churchy girl lol

It's hard to keep the good mood going! But I'm doing it! I like being in a good mood and sometimes you just have weeks that are good. This is one of those weeks.

Mom got tired of the "little" tv here so she went out and bought a HUGE tv. But it's not good enough in true mom fashion lol. She wishes she would have gotten this and that and the other lol. She keeps asking me what I think of it and all I can tell her is I'm happy we have tv period. As long as it isn't a 13 inch model I'm all good, but yes I like her tv lol. It's big and nice and now I want to watch some NASCAR lol.

I got my w-2 finally and immediately set out to get that big ol refund! Because lord knows I need this one time a year where I'm rich, to me, and am not struggling as much lol. Well for whatever reason when I did it the first time I only ended up with a refund of like$1600. This made no sense to me because I made more money this year. So I hopped over to the H&R Block site and plugged my stuff into it. They had me at like $3600 and I was like whoah! So I went back and did it from scratch and got what HRB was showing. Took me like 4 tries to get them done right lol but got them done I did. After bills and things are paid I will have about $700 for myself. Which if I'm smart I'll take a $150 and give it to my mom to hold onto for Mae's spring/summer clothes. Dang, I just keep thinking of things I need to do with all that money and my pile of it keeps shrinking lol. Why o Why can't I be irresponsible with the money lol.

I'm closer than ever to the 30lb mark of weight lost. My mom looked at me last night and told me that my pajama pants were just to big on me lol. I told her hey they fit in the waist lol gotta love elastic it stretches or contracts according to waist size lol. Other people are noticing it too, I'm not to worried about that because I know what kind of person I am. I'll get thinner for awhile and then I'll slack and get bigger and then be big for awhile and then get thinner lol. I know how I am. But I am doing really good right now. When I first noticed I had lost weight I decided to actually be conscious of what I was eating and try to reduce my hand to mouth disease lol. It's hard freaking work. I hate being hungry because it sucks. I hate that I can't eat a whole twice baked potato and a huge plate. I love food. It is one of my biggest addictions. Hell I have to give leftovers aways if I have friends over after I've cooked supper. But I'm on the downward slide and it's nice. Though the whole pants sliding down at work thing sucks lol.

Mae sucks! She still won't stay in bed, stay asleep, and just stay in her room until it's time to get up. But what are you going to do? If we can't get her under control then I'll ask about a sleeping aid for her, but right now we just deal.

I'm telling you it's been a great week. There have been a couple times that something tried to take my good mood, but I fought valiently and I have kept it going! I propose a good mood year!

I'm carrying my good mood on into tomorrow whether tomorrow wants it that way or not! I know it's only Tuesday, but I'm having a great week!

Tips have been decent, I got my attention whore fix this morning, and now I'm working all day shifts this week! Woohoo!

Bring it on! I'm ready to face the week!

I'm not questioning my good mood, I'm going with it and enjoying it. Only one little snag and Mae is always a snag lol so I'm even dealing with that lol.

Anyways I figured I should put down for posterity that yes I do have good moods lol.

I decided to take a trade yesterday. After I took the trade I realized that I fucked myself lol. I didn't have to work with the chick I don't want to work with this week. Then I traded and now I do!



BUT I don't have to go in until 5 tonight! The boss's girlfriend is working til 5 and she never leaves early so that means I don't have to leave home til 20 til 5! Woohoo!



And I already have warning that the bitch is going to be bitchy so woohoo me!



BUT today has been pretty good to me! And I'm going to carry that over into tonight and tomorrow morning at work if it kills me lol. Tonight though if we are slow the bitch will have something else to bitch about lol. I plan on doing prep for tomorrow morning tonight if I can. I want to clean onions and wash the tomatoes and peppers so I don't have to do it in the a.m. when I'm all tired and moving slow lol.



ALSO there was drama at work this morning that I got a call about because my friend who opened forgot I didn't work last night and they took a party sub order but didn't do it anywhere close to right. She only knew there was a party sub because she saw the bread. Well it's being picked up at 5 and since I go in at 5 I don't have to do anything with it. But the 4 pm girl does, welcome to your payback lol. She hates having to come in to work no matter what lol and now she has to work with me who she obviously has some issue with lol and work with karen, and the opener was the only regular shift person lol. Ooo thank you for the laugh! And if she's mad enough she might rip all the paper we need ripped lol.



The only thing that I'm not digging on is the fact that I'm getting a period! I don't get them often but when I do...oooo baby! I've got cramps and I'm bloated and ugh lol. But even that's not going to slow me down because I have two days of work and then a day off lol. Woo the weekend is here and I'm working my way to being off for it!

I was talking to my friend on the phone this morning and I have come to a lot of conclusions and realities about the new living situation.

Any problem I have with my mother, her words, actions, or whatever; they are my problems. I can not change her I can only change myself. I can not control her, I can only control myself. This isn't anything new. This isn't something that I just woke up today and realized. It's what I've known about anyone in life. This is just the way life is.

I have choices in my life. I can choose to let whatever she says to me be whatever it is. I just have to control myself. There are ways to talk to people that will seem condescending but in reality you have to talk that way so that there is no chance for misunderstanding.

I have to be able to hear the criticism from her and be able to go; that's on her, it doesn't have to effect me. And then later I can always come back to her and say Mom I need to tell you that this is how I felt and you didn't make me feel this way I am responsible for my feelings but I need you to know this is how it makes me feel.

Yup good old therapy talk! I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to her like that because we communicate better if we do it that way. Hell I did it the other day and even thanked her for listening to me and asked if I handled the situation right. She said I did. Great green light to make this our way of communicating.

I have another blog on here as well and I am going to make that one private and I will have two blogs. Why do you ask? Because I believe that somethings in my life I want to blog about but to do so publicly wouldn't be a wise decision. I am two people, no not in the multiple personality way lol, but online I share only parts of the story publicly because somethings in my life aren't exactly kosher. And I don't feel the need anymore to share everything. But I do need a place to put the rest of the story or those things that weigh on my mind. So I need to know who wants to see the other part of me. No I don't have any dark dirty secrets. I'm not an ax murderer. I'm not anything crazy. It's just that part of me and my life that doesn't get aired in an online public forum. I'll need an email to send it to, so message me where its comfortable for you to do that.

So the family drama today lol is a carry over from a few weeks or days ago lol. I havn't cleaned something I was supposed to clean a long time ago lol. So I said I would do it today and some dishes the dishwasher didn't get clean. Well I figured I don't have to have any of it done until 330 this afternoon because that's when Dad would be getting off work lol.

Yeah lol lazy did not happen. I yakked on the phone with my friend for I don't know how long. I did however get the toilet and vanity clean, the kitchen/bathroom floors swept, I got the dishes done and am currently soaking the new wave stuff to wash, vaccumed the floors and moved the furniture. My dad needs to help me move the coffee table so I can vaccum under that. It's a heavy sucker. Hell I even vaccumed their room lol.

Sometimes I wonder if there isn't crack floating in the air in my house lol. I really intended to be lazy. Hell I even turned on the Real Housewives to watch and then realized as I stood washing dishes that I had turned my show on and it was playing and I was washing dishes lol. WTF lol I swear to god lol.

Then last night mom says to me we need to talk about cleaning the house! Oh HELL I told her i was sweeping and doing up my dishes today and that Sunday after church is when I do all the other cleaning. My dad was all on board with that lol mom has to think about it. Um this is why I have to talk to my mom like we are in therapy lol. It's an easy freakin solution. No need for drama. I know why my mom thinks I'm a pig lol but obviously she hasn't been paying attention to the last year to year and a half. Where the dirty room was my room. Everything else was cleaned or picked up.

Which leads me to another realization I had yesterday about the new living situation. With just Mae and me here I could get away with vacuuming once a week. Now that there are 3 adults and a child that can't happen. You have to vaccum AT LEAST twice a week. And while talking about that with my friend this morning I came to another realization. That even if I end up doing all of the housework all of the time with them living here.... I CAN'T GET MAD about it. I can not like it but I can't take it out on them or be mad at them. Why you ask? BECAUSE I would be the one doing it anyways if they weren't here. So nothing has really changed. As long as everyone picks up after themselves there won't be much extra work to do.

So today while I yakked on the phone and cleaned house, lost my lazy day lol I came to a lot of conclusions about things. And it was a good thing to have because right now we are in the honeymoon phase. We are going to get on each other's nerves and rub each other the wrong way. It's inevitable because we are different people....BUT there are some things that will help that lol.

Here's to a lazy Wednesday!

Day one was survived, but I'm pretty sure that was because I went to work last night lol. Day two is starting off....well....it has started lol.

It started about an hour and a half before my alarm was supposed to go off. I was sleeping very nicely. I was snuggled into my covers and must have been in the right position because it was good sleep.

And then it happened! My mother! Yup she woke me up all in a tizzy and telling me since I've been going to church to say a prayer. You know it's never good when you're woken from a good sleep to pray!

Today is my Dad's first day at his new job. YOU CAN NOT BE LATE! Well luckily for them they are staying in town now because if they weren't my dad might not have a job.

I guess he had pleanty of time this morning and had some papers he had to take with him. Which it turns out he forgot. Resulting in me being woke up by my mom to pray. So I prayed outloud and then got my ass up to smoke OUTSIDE. Which is the drawback of them being here lol.

I came back in and got back under the covers. Almost to sleep and I hear my mom going noone gives a damn about your dad. WTF?! I yelled at her and it turns out she was talking to the cats who were lounged on the bed. Good lord!

I tried calming my mom down but it wasn't working. I guess even the guy he used to work with was calling him to see where he was. He got there with 6 minutes to spare! Thank god! Mom was going on about how if he lost this job we were all out of the house. Just how I like to start my tuesday lol.

So in about 15 minutes I'm taking Mae to school and I'm coming home to take almost a 2 hour nap and then go to work lol. I swear to god lol if this is how I'm going to be woke up everyday...I'll shoot myself lol.

Well I guess I better get the dishwasher unloaded cuz well they want it unloaded and if I do it now I don't have to hear about it at 530 when I get home lol. Have a great Tuesday and hey if you need a prayer said...I guess I'm your girl lol

I told you my house wasn't dirty! Like I predicted yesterday it took an hour this morning to clean it. Ok so it was actually less than an hour but I added a couple chores in that took us up to the hour mark! That included shoveling a path to the deck!

The only thing I have left to do is fold and hang laundry; do two more loads of laundry; watch all the tv I dvr'd last night; oh yea and go to work at 5 tonight!

I have to find a way to tell my dad to monitor my mom's phone calls lol. Because you would think that the house was FILTHY the way she only called me to tell me to clean the house. It took less than an hour and I got EVERYTHING done. The only thing I didn't do was mop because there is still shit in the kitchen for the counters that are being done. I can't even clean the counter properly because it hasn't been grouted.

So I guess it's a big ol FU to my mom for that call because I knew the house wasn't dirty. She just can't stand any clutter at THIS house; but dear lord go look at her house and the clutter is everywhere. I'm not saying her house is DIRTY but in my own opinion....mine is cleaner!

So I'm off to feed a kid, fold and hang clothes, and watch a lot of tv til it's time to go to work. That or my dad gets here and then more work lol.

And Brenda...my mom won't be doing much more than telling ME what needs to be done. For my birthday party she told me she would make enchaladas. Guess who ended up making them? Oh she helped a tiny bit but me and my friend did the work. Christmas again with the enchaladas...she couldn't help but a tiny bit because she is soooo old and decrepit. She's 58 freakin years old, she is nowhere near decrepit and old. Because let it be something she wants to do and she does it. What I find even funnier is that she told me the trunk of the cars used to get full when she had parties when I was growing up cuz thats where she hid the mess!

So No there will be no division of chores. It will all be me and how awful I am at keeping it clean. And I will immediately zanex myself out just so I don't kill my mom. The best thing; even though it's something else for me to clean, is the cats are coming with! We have been wanting a cat and I love their new cat Vinnie. He's one of those cats that needs attention and love CONSTANTLY and the other Vera...well we will see how she adjusts because she really isn't all that friendly.

Here's to a week that so far has started out good and gone just as I have expected. Please let work be good lol.

Mae got her movie today and watched it three times because Mama wanted to nap in the chair lol. As soon as she figured out she wasn't watching it after supper she wanted to go to bed lol.

While we were watching the movie the first time I was eating lunch. I HAD planned on eating and then getting up and doing housework.

THEN MY PHONE RANG!

It was my mother! No she wasn't just calling to chit chat and see how things were. After hello the first thing she wanted to know was if I had cleaned the house! WTF who calls someone for that?

I know they are moving in tomorrow! I know that the house needs to be kept clean. The HOUSE IS NOT DIRTY! Tomorrow when I get up here's my list of chores: sweep the bathroom/kitchen, vacuum the floors, load the dishwasher, clean the toilet and vanity, and then get all my laundry up from the basement since the cats are coming with mom and dad.

Hell today when I did my load of laundry I was downstairs picking up all the crap from doing laundry that never seems to make it to the trash. I had a grocery sack down there that I have been putting lint into and empty soap bottles. All in a trash bag now waiting to go out.

My list of chores will take me an hour or less to do! Fuck my mom lol after that phone call I decided I'm not doing a goddamned thing today lol. Tomorrow when I get up I can get it done. And if my dad shows up before I get it cleaned up OH WELL, he can sit and watch me clean!

The hardest part of my chores will be bringing up four baskets of laundry. Folding and hanging and putting away. That will take forever but I don't work til 5 tomorrow and I took a shower tonight lol. Mae has no school tomorrow so I have it made!

The only chore I havn't tackled is the fridgerator. I need to actually clean it out. It's starting to look gross in there lol. You know how it is; make a pitcher of KoolAid and you dribble and are lazy lol makes for some grossness lol.

But tonight the rest of the night is mine! I'm going to read, watch tv, and be in bed by 10pm. I'd have been in bed by 9pm but I have crops growing on Farmville lol and I want to get them harvested and plant my morning crops lol. I know addicted! But it keeps me sane and off the streets lol.

Here's to the start of a good week!

Today is a new week! The start of my week has tended to start with church with my kiddo and my Great Aunt. It's a new thing! I've been doing my best to keep my promise to my Grandpa about going to church. I have a great Aunt though because she said that if it gets to cold we don't have to go. If I'm out of town she says it's ok that I don't go. It's as long as I go! Yeah, I love my Aunt.

Hell she used to babysit me when I was little. I remember living around the corner from them as a small child. My cousin, her grandson, remembers getting me to eat a red hot pepper lol; luckily I think I have supressed that enough to still like my cousin lol.

Today I will be thanking God for giving me the strength to make it through last week and more strength to make it through this coming week.

Ok so the story that I don't think I've told you yet! Last week or was it two weeks now; anyways doesn't matter. One of the girls at who works the day shift has been having issues with keeping her diabetes under control. Part of it is, in my own opinion, she likes the attention and a reason to call into work. I know not very nice but she also has a history of missing work on Mondays and Fridays lol so ya know!

Well my friends at work call me to see if I would be interested in covering her day shifts while she tries to get her health under control. HELLS YEA! That would mean more money, less stress of having to look for a job right now, AND I could get someone else to pay for my child care! Welfare Mama that I am!

To recieve childcare assistance through our state you have to be working 28 hours or more; be going to school and working; and that's that. If you work 27 hours you get no help. So imagine the 10 to 24 hours I get a week. I make just over minimum wage. A third of my small paycheck goes to paying for daycare. I get foodstamps and child support. That's it for the "government assistance" I get.

Well my boss in all his infinite "christian" wisdom decides then to put his foot down on my friend making decisions about the store. Yeah yeah he's the owner. But the store only runs as good as it does because of my friend doing all the stinking work. He makes the decisions on the schedule and who gets to move to days and such.

So I'm working a day shift and I have to talk to the boss. My friend actually went go and talk to him he wants to talk to you. Yeah I'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes. So I'm all hopeful and thinking about all this great "GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE" I will have the chance to qualify for. And then it happened! The anger came out, the fake smile went on, I held my temper, I nodded and smiled and made one point to my "christian" boss!

He told me the reason that I wasn't going to get an increase in hours and be moved to days is because his girlfriends annuity from her dead husband is running out and her one day a week job isn't cutting it and she needs a job BECAUSE she doesnt get any GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE.

I saw red, I was pissed and I stopped him there to inform him that the only GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE I recieve is foodstamps! That my paychecks from him a third of them goes right out the door for child care on top of the taxes that have already been taken out!

I ranted and ranted and ranted when I got off work. I was so damned pissed off. Not only did I not get day shift, I also didn't gain a 5th day at work, and am now working 2 day and 2 night shifts. Oooo I am soooo greatful for my boss to be sooo generous as to give me 2 day shifts. If your going to put your girlfriend to work why not give her the hours?? Oh and what about when the other girl wants to come back!!

Dear god please let me find a new job! One I like and one with less bullshit drama. And please don't let me fuck my friend over in the process, though she has already been informed that when I get a new job... I'll just be done with this job and give no notice. Yea I'm all Christian like myself lol.

At least I'm a real Christian...flawed and not afraid to make mistakes and not be fucking phony as fuck about who I am.

And that my dear friends is how everything started and then this week hit lol. I'm praying for strength to make it through what this week throws at me lol

Life happens! For me it always happens in great big giant waves that suck me under into a cloud of depression where I do what I have to do and once the kid is in bed play a lot of bejeweled and farmville. I have been meaning to leave comments on other people's blogs but seriously lol I just can not bring myself to do it lol.

That's the depression lol. Thanks Brenda for asking how I was. I have been meaning to blog about what's up in the land of insanity; but it's been insane and I just really didn't want to blog it because it would take time away from pogo, bejeweled, and farmville. Depression city I tell you lol. That or it's escape. It's a little bit of both. Life happens and happens by the bucketful.

Let's see lol worked with bitch at work Monday night. That was so super fun I just want to do it every single solitary time I have to work! Don't talk to me all fucking night; act like I'm not there, until I start doing things. Then only to tell me you aren't doing anything til such and such time. Fine I don't give a fuck lol. Then THEN after the story happened that I havn't blogged about happened she chose that day to bitch about welfare mama's and foodstamps.

I am so damned sorry that so many stupid people are on welfare. I am sorry that they don't know how to add and subtract and find out how many stamps they got on their card. I'm sorry that them not doing that makes extra work for you; which by the way you are getting paid to do! I am sorry that the 1st, 9th, and 15th( i think those are the days the cards load with stamps) are busy for you at WalMart but you have been there for how freaking long you should be used to that time of the month being nuts!

Do not stand next to me and bitch about it and then tell me not to take it personal when I inform you and the customer of when food stamps come out because I'm a welfare mama too! I don't have to work next week with her and I told my boss thank you today and told him I'd appreciate it if he could do that as often as possible and why. I don't want to work in a hostile environment; it's hostile enough as it is. All of us fucking drama queens who work there lol.

Tuesday my friend who needs money worse than I need money had to stay home because her daughter was sick. I had some serious heartburn. I took some tums for it and promptly threw them up. I had heartburn so bad I told my friend bring the girl here, take my car, work my shift, and we're good lol. She was all up for it. I had heartburn from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. I burped all day and it truly sucked! Not only did I miss a day of work, I didn't feel good on top of it.

Lucky for me Sid is a good girl and she was on the mend from being sick. Her and I had a nice lil sick day together. I had her all set up in Mae's room with her feet propped up and a blanket. Then she came out with me in the living room. So that day wasn't horrific that day is coming up.

Wednesday was quiet except for having to go and give my mom money and pay the water bill. The money is flying right out the door and thank god tax time is coming up because I have about $900 bucks in bills to pay off and then hand the rest over to my mom for bills. I'm going to buy myself a nice lil treat but that will be all. Nothing fun this year except my treat lol.

I went to bed early that night. I had to work Thursday from 11 to 5 and I decided to get some rest. The horror began, unbeknownst to me, somewhere between 11pm Wednesday and Midnight Thursday morning.

I sleep with my door open if it's just me and Mae. I thought I was getting up because I needed to go potty lol, turns out I had to do that too but it was the bathroom light shining that woke me up. I get up, no glasses, and there is Mae with the hair gel! WTF!?!?! That's never good. So I smack her ass and send her back to bed. NEVER paying any attention to anything but peeing and the gel.

The next morning comes and I wake up before the alarm, do all my net stuff I like to do in the morning, got in the shower, and then it went downhill from there! I finished my shower and yelled at Mae to come get in the shower so we could get her to school.

I didn't have my glasses on again and all I could see was this horrible dark maroon stain on my child. On her legs, her face, her arms. There were scratches and blotches and what looked like a rash.

I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT in a big way. I am so horrible about the house being clean and knowing when my mom is coming over that way I can get the "mess" picked up(which really is usually blankets on the floor and dishes in the sink lol woohhoo) well I called her, not knowing what time it was. Asking her if she was at work yet and SHE NEEDED TO COME OVER NOW NOW NOW!!

By the time she got there I figured out that it was lipstick. I had gotten some of it off her face. But the rest of her body you could see a rash, scratches,blotches things that aren't normal. And then I saw her bed! Her brand new mattress that I think is better than mine is now covered in lipstick. I have stain remover that I am going to be using AFTER church tomorrow lol.

We made a trip to the Emergency Room and I had a fun time of telling them about her adhd and pica and what she did and what i did or didn't know she had gotten into. And for a moment I wanted to just smack the shit out of the nurses and doctor. It was like listening to my Grandpa tell me She's just a little baby; when they told me to lock everything up. WTF do you think I have been doing. One freaking time I missed getting a lipstick put away. For christs sake my makeup bag is in the bathroom closet on the high shelf WITH the cleaning products! You think I just met this child?!?! Oh and then; AND THEN! when we got home and my friend was over I found the empty bottle of this stuff I bought for her to not bite her nails! I don't know if she drank it or tried to because it was empty and there was this nice hard spot on the mattress where it dried. I think she may have tried to but when it tasted bad she didn't drink more. I still didn't spank her! Talked about how she could have gotten really hurt. Oh and terrifed look she had for awhile was because I yelled at her, mom yelled at her, and her Aunt yelled at her....i think she was waiting for the beating myself and not getting one is confusing her lol.

So another day without work. I did not kill her. She is still breathing. If you require proof of life please send a paper from your home to mine and I'll take the picture lol. But I didn't kill her. I yelled a little bit but not screaming at her you know that hysterical yell we have? yea that one. I didn't spank her. She is now sleeping on a crib mattress on the floor. I'm not as mean as my friend and my mom who said to put her on the floor lol i'm mad but i cant do that to her lol. She can only watch what I want to watch on tv. She has to be in the living room at pretty much all times. I am nice and have been putting family shows on, not the shows she wants to watch but shows we can both watch. She is not a very happy girl. Though she has lost that terrified look she had on her face for about 18 hours lol.

Friday was a good day because she doesn't have to have tubes put in her ears. One is still there and the other is gunky and on our next visit if it hasn't fallen out we will have surgery to remove a tube instead of put one in lol.

Today...ahh sweet today you are almost over lol. I worked this morning and my mom and dad took Mae so my friend could go out of town. Picked up pizza for supper and Mae is in bed and I'm soon to follow. Church tomorrow and I have a lot of praying to do lol.

Because Monday my mom and dad will be living here monday through Friday lol. They will go home on Friday night and come back Monday night lol. And the cats they just got are coming with. And I have to be one of the people scooping the litter. And there is a ton of stress about to happen. Which makes my anxiety go up, which makes my xanex intake go up lol. My dad though got a new job up here and hey let the games begin. Oh yea did I mention that I have to figure out what to do with my share of the inheritance without fucking myself with the government lol. Oh yea and I REALLY REALLY need to find a new job because this house is too little for all of us I'm thinking. And between last night and tonight I've broken and chipped like 4 nails lol. It's been a hell of a week, I'm really hoping that next week is better lol.

May God please forgive me at church tomorrow when I have nothing for the offering plate because I really needed smokes and gas in the car to get to church tomorrow! And that my friends is a week in the life of...if showing the pictures wouldn't get me in trouble lol I'd show you how pretty Mae looked with her big red stained legs and arms!

It's freaking Monday and I didn't get the memo until about 20 minutes ago! Ok so I knew it was Monday but I didn't think that I would be having a Monday!

The boss scheduled me at 5 today instead of 4 woohoo. Then my mom was staying the night and then she wasn't and now she is. Omen number 1 lol .

My friend/coworker from work stopped over and left me a little cheer only to take that cheer away from me by telling me I get to work with the person I really didn't want to work with! Damn well guess it's Monday.

So pretty soon I'll be headed out in what looks to be gearing up for a winter storm to work til 10 with a witch. Then tomorrow I get to go work during the day and that could be a fun time lol.

Oooo lordy please don't let me have a bad Monday and especially don't let me have a bad Monday that carries over into tomorrow lol. If i have to have a bad day i think wednesday is a good day lol I'm off that day and don't think I have anything going on except to veg out lol.

Today is the 8th month since I've lost my Grandpa. And as my Uncle pointed out it is the first Sunday since we lost him. I didn't want to go to church today. I wanted to stay home and be all sad and mopey and whiney.

I got over myself and got up and got ready for us to go to Church. We were running a few minutes late, but that's ok because we usually get to church about 20 to 30 minutes before service starts lol.

Well I started our morning out as normal; and decided it wasn't a sin to medicate before church because well the xanex hadn't kicked in yet and I needed a crutch lol.

Anyways I get us all ready and then realize its freaking cold outside. I should have started the car up and let it warm up. Instead I drove with my hands freezing and Mae wearing my gloves because IT WAS FREAKING COLD OUTSIDE!

Anyways before we went to church I had a little talk with my wonderful(notice today shes wonderful lol) daughter. I am trying to figure out ways to get her to figure out church. Isuck at it but I'm trying. The first thing I've tried to teach her is what you do with the holy water and making the sign of the cross. She has that one almost down! Then while I was talking to her I had her recite the Lords Prayer with me and told her we would be saying that at church later. I also told her that it's been 8 months since we lost Grandpa and I was very sad and that she should be a very very good girl in church today.

Miracles never cease with that girl. She was again better behaved. Though I have to remind her next week that she needs to try to sit a bit quieter because her Aunt and Aunt's Friend are trying to listen too.

BUT the strangest/happiest/saddest/definitly pushed the tears over the edge during church today happened. After I got us settled into the pew I happened to look down and the guy sitting next to me had on Grandpa's shoes.

I'll post a picture someday of the shoes so you have an idea what I'm talking about...kinda like wingtips i think. But anyways I looked down and there was this set of shoes that looked,other than color, just like his shoes.

I looked over at the man and he reminded me so much of Grandpa. Same color hair, looking like it needed a cut, same skin color and about the same size. It floored me. I kept staring at this poor man out of the corner of my eyes the whole time. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't just my mind making me see things. I told my Aunt after church and she said all except the glass the guy was wearing and that she had a similar experience once after her husband passed at church.

Something new to me at church is holding hands before the giving the sign of peace. Today I held that man's hand, and my Aunt's hand and I cried while doing our recitation.

One of the benefits of losing over 20lbs is that it is seriously way easier to kneel now. I actually fit lol. I knelt and prayed for those that needed it, i prayed for my family, and i prayed a little for myself, and then I talked to Grandpa. Told him thank you for sending someone today of all days and that while i still felt like crap, that part made me cry and I was at peace for a moment.

Making it even funnier this man left the same time Grandpa used to leave lol. Right after communion.

I texted in church my mom, uncle and sister. Yea i know but church hadnt started yet. I got my texts after church and my Uncle had sent one and said to say a prayer. Trust me, I prayed and prayed.

So today instead of doing what I'm supposed to do; I'm going to let it fall where it may. What gets done gets done, what doesn't...well there is always tomorrow!

I literally have like 5 minutes before I have to be out the door and headed to work. BUT I just wanted to stop here real quick and make sure that I have written proof that I woke up in a good mood, that the day wasn't shitty, and that life is as good as its going to get.

Yes yesterday I had a really crap day, sort of, I'll blog later about that.

But it really sucks to pick up your voicemail before you go into work and find out one of your coworkers is in a really fucked up mood AGAIN! And then on top of all that the person in a bad mood is one of those people who can suck you into their bad mood and drama.

I'm so glad I vented to my other coworker, boss, and best friend last night because I just knew that this other person would be a problem if I mentioned it at work today. I told my friend just go with whatever lie I tell lol. And then I have to remember the lie lol. You'll understand when I blog later.

Anyways...I'm taking my medicated ;) ass into work and I will have a good day! The only thing I want to happen today is for the tip money to be as good as it was yesterday because another two days like that and I will have a car with a full tank of gas!

Here's hoping that I don't have to xanex out at work today!

I have to be at work at 11 today and I'm on my way to a mini nap! But I figured I'd get out my grrrr before heading for that mini lol.

Mae is a thief and a liar. She's 4, they all are! Ive found so much stuff hidden under her pillows its unreal. Orange peels, bottle tops, deodarent...and yesterday was my perfume.

Today she woke up 2 hours before the damned alarm went off. She got in bed with me but after 5 minutes I had to send her to her room because she wouldnt shut up.

I get up and go in her room and once again its smelling pretty. Where the hell is my perfume? I moved it last night and guess what?

Yup she had BOTH of them this time. I have one bottle that I got about 2 years ago and I use it sparingly and my mom bought me some shimmer stuff. That is now half gone! Thank you Mae.

This resulted in a spanking and the jail talk. Yes I use scare tactics with my kid! She knows what jail is, shes watched tv. She doesn't want to go.

I told her that if she keeps stealing stuff and lying about it she will go to jail. Someone will call the police and they will come and get her for stealing.

Yea she wasn't happy about that. So lets see where this one gets us!

It's Tuesday thank god or I'd think it was Monday again lol. Let the fun begin!

Well my attempt to be a lazy ass was thwarted today by some kind of clean gene I've inherited from god only knows where!

With today being the first day back at school I had planned on napping, watching tv, and sitting on my fat ass for FOUR whole hours today.

That did not happen! First I got Mae up at 8 and by the time we left for school at 830 I had the bathroom clean, the floors swept, vaccumed and then thought whewww I can come home and veg out.

Did I mention the fact that all of Mae's Christmas presents are still in the trunk of the car? Yea I didn't want to bring them in while her room was a complete disaster area. So again I was thwarted from my tv watching by Mae's room.

I went in and got almost a full garbage bag of junk, broken toys, and McDonalds toys out of her room. Though I'll be damned I didn't find two of the bones for her Red Rover game. The one toy she got to bring in and its missing pieces already joy o joy!

So then I got to sit down for about a half hour! Where did my morning go? oh yea I wasn't a lazy bitch lol I got down to business. Hell I even loaded the damned dishwasher and made a new pitcher of Kool Aid lol.

I did however lay down the new rules to Mae. Told her that since Mommy has to clean the rest of the house her new clean room was her responsibility to clean. That she will do it every night before bed or there will be consequences. Then I made her go into the living room and put all the puzzles together because I cleaned the room I wasn't doing the puzzles lol.

But before all of that happened...we had a Doctors appointment.

I asked him about sensory integration disorder because my first cousin has a child with it and when she looks at Mae's pictures and videos she recognizes some of the things in her daughter in mine. Well at this time we aren't going to do anything about it because it would be a referrel to Iowa City hospitals for her to be evaluated.

With the Pica back and the defience and mouthiness that is now happening her Concerta for the Adhd has been upped.

And we added a new medicine! One for anxiety! My four year old girl has anxiety that needs medication. What the hell!

So now I'm all worried again about what the hell is going on in my kids life. I even had a moment where I almost called her dad. Then I realized hell no unless something life threatening is going on I am not opening any kind of contact with him! Besides there isnt anything he can do except bluster and blow smoke.

THEN I find out I might get to go to days for a little bit. But oh wait Im a horrible employee who doesnt deserve it because i talk to the customers too much, i talk to my coworkers to much, and ONE fucking time i said something about a workplace policy while we had a customer. Ooooo I'm sooo horrible! Fuck you man Ive been one of your best employees for almost 2 years and only took extended time off when my grandpa was sick and dying!

It has been one hell of a Monday. I'm pretty glad that I started my day off with a xanex chaser for my prozax lol. Yay for Mondays!

Did I happen to mention that I faked it through the holidays? Yup, I faked my way through it. It's pretty much now starting to catch up with me and all the sadness and crying that I held in during the holiday is working its way out.

I had genuine moments and time of happiness, joy, and fun; but it was work. Kind of like the day and day after Grandpa died it was a day full of adult diversions, drinking, xanex, and smoking outside on the porch where I got to just chill out. It kind of sucked though because I ended up doing a lot more smoking then usual lol. My Dad even commented about me smoking, usually he doesn't say anything. So obviously my smoking pattern was changed and noticable.

I got to see the kids and harrass them. I got squeezes and hugs from my Ella and Logan eventually came over and sat next to me. After of course I got my mandatory Aunt hugs from him lol. In my opinion that kid loves me but doesnt want me to know it because he wants my time and attention but when he wants it. Cuz he came up and took pictures with me and let me love on him. I think I feel about him what I do so strongly because I was there when he was born. I literally saw him come into the world. I love my nieces just as much but there is just a bit of difference in the love.

I was expecting to see a fat baby Myah but nope that girl has either gotten taller or has slimmed down because she was heavy but not fat heavy. She pretends she doesn't like me too lol like her brother. But then I start doing something and you can see her smile and then if you look at her she puts the frowny face back on. My friend Brigittes kid is like that with me too. I love it because you know they only do shit like that with people they really like. If they didnt like it they wouldnt do the things they do to demand attention...kinda like Mae lol.

New Years Eve was the most fun I've had in awhile. I needed that night and the fun I had. It's been a long winter break at my house and then you have all the negativity that seemed to invade facebook and online the last week or so and I couldn't take it. I have been forcing myself to not be a big ass baby online and with other people. Damn right I enjoyed my NYE out!

The next day kind of sucked lol, it's a big blur of napping, watching Mae, letting her watch movies, my dad telling me he'd be back and then finally we got to today.

I took my table back because it was begining to look like hell. I'm working on cleaning; it can wait another 24 hours it won't kill anyone.

So now I've got Mae in bed since it's a school night and I'm all alone with just my thoughts and the overwhelming sadness of missing my Grandpa. I'm not doing horrible in the crying department. I'll cry a little bit but then I stop because well I don't know why; maybe I'm saving it up for a big huge meltdown lol.

Today we went to church with my Aunt and she gave me two pictures for my mom. One of them was of my Grandma who died when my mom was 18 months old and the other was my Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Gumi, and we think a baby Uncle Larry and I took pictures and put them on facebook. They have gotten a lot of comments and it just makes me so sad to not have that Man sitting next to me.

I made it through the holidays. Now to do the actual work of dealing with the emotions behind it. To find a way to tell my mom I need to be left alone for a little while to deal with it and not have to worry that whatever place I'm in at that moment isn't misconstrued as towards her. I need to just deal and I'm doing that now.

It's just like I'm back to the begining, but not really but it's almost like that. I didn't even break down, a tear slipped, but i didnt break down when we had Grandpa say grace this year via video. I will now, but I didn't then.

I don't even want to think about how many years it will take for me to totally enjoy the holiday again. Thank God for NYE because that one isn't associated with Grandpa. He was always with a girlfriend, and we maybe had dinner with him some nights. But this is the one holiday that is different. So I'm not going to feel bad, I'm just going to miss my Grandpa.

Damn I miss him!

As usual I sit here procrastinating. I NEED to clean the house. I really do. Not the ocd, obsessive compulsive cleaning me, just the regular damn the house needs to be cleaned.

The problem is that I'm feeling particularly lazy today. Also factoring into my not wanting to clean is the fact that I still don't have my kitchen all the way back.

I did however "take back" my kitchen table today. It was piled with all kinds of shit because of the kitchen work going on. Let me tell you what! The house hasn't been this dirty in a long time.

I am starting to feel like a hoarder. Hell my kitchen table was begining to look like a hoarders table. I have been doing soooo good about housekeeping since that time my friend came and helped me clean the house, what about a year ago or something like that. It was horrible!

My Dad and Uncle got the kitchen sink and everything put back in yesterday and today I put all the stuff under the sink that goes under the damn sink. I took back my table!!

BUT I just don't feel like doing anything else lol. I think if anything gets done today it will be the vaccuming because the floor needs to be vaccumed. Its just knowing that even after cleaning the house its going to look like shit because of the stupid kitchen.

So I'm procrastinating with a very good "reason" to take it easy one more day lol. Yes, sadly, I have a "reason" all ready for tomorrow too if it doesn't get done lol.

Only one problem...I've kept the house so clean that I can tell when it's dirty and it bothers me lol so I can only procrastinate so long before ocd sets in and I'm on a tear lol.

If that didn't have you laughing this one surely will! Last week I was screwed up with when NYE was and I was talking to my cousin who's mom I go to church with and was like shit im going to have to call your mom about church, then realized oh wait nye is friday lol. Then yesterday i wake up at quarter after nine and went nuts for a minute thinking i was late for church and would have to call my Aunt lol...yea she laughed when I told her lol. But I made it to church today, Mae behaved, and My Aunt, Mae, and I are all having steak and twice baked potatoes for supper tonight lol.

We went to the store after church and we were looking at the meat case and we both got the same stuff for supper lol. Ooo I tell ya what lol.

Anyways...I think I hear the tv calling my name lol and I'm going to answer that call! Here's to all the lazy bitches lol