Did I happen to mention that I faked it through the holidays? Yup, I faked my way through it. It's pretty much now starting to catch up with me and all the sadness and crying that I held in during the holiday is working its way out.

I had genuine moments and time of happiness, joy, and fun; but it was work. Kind of like the day and day after Grandpa died it was a day full of adult diversions, drinking, xanex, and smoking outside on the porch where I got to just chill out. It kind of sucked though because I ended up doing a lot more smoking then usual lol. My Dad even commented about me smoking, usually he doesn't say anything. So obviously my smoking pattern was changed and noticable.

I got to see the kids and harrass them. I got squeezes and hugs from my Ella and Logan eventually came over and sat next to me. After of course I got my mandatory Aunt hugs from him lol. In my opinion that kid loves me but doesnt want me to know it because he wants my time and attention but when he wants it. Cuz he came up and took pictures with me and let me love on him. I think I feel about him what I do so strongly because I was there when he was born. I literally saw him come into the world. I love my nieces just as much but there is just a bit of difference in the love.

I was expecting to see a fat baby Myah but nope that girl has either gotten taller or has slimmed down because she was heavy but not fat heavy. She pretends she doesn't like me too lol like her brother. But then I start doing something and you can see her smile and then if you look at her she puts the frowny face back on. My friend Brigittes kid is like that with me too. I love it because you know they only do shit like that with people they really like. If they didnt like it they wouldnt do the things they do to demand attention...kinda like Mae lol.

New Years Eve was the most fun I've had in awhile. I needed that night and the fun I had. It's been a long winter break at my house and then you have all the negativity that seemed to invade facebook and online the last week or so and I couldn't take it. I have been forcing myself to not be a big ass baby online and with other people. Damn right I enjoyed my NYE out!

The next day kind of sucked lol, it's a big blur of napping, watching Mae, letting her watch movies, my dad telling me he'd be back and then finally we got to today.

I took my table back because it was begining to look like hell. I'm working on cleaning; it can wait another 24 hours it won't kill anyone.

So now I've got Mae in bed since it's a school night and I'm all alone with just my thoughts and the overwhelming sadness of missing my Grandpa. I'm not doing horrible in the crying department. I'll cry a little bit but then I stop because well I don't know why; maybe I'm saving it up for a big huge meltdown lol.

Today we went to church with my Aunt and she gave me two pictures for my mom. One of them was of my Grandma who died when my mom was 18 months old and the other was my Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Gumi, and we think a baby Uncle Larry and I took pictures and put them on facebook. They have gotten a lot of comments and it just makes me so sad to not have that Man sitting next to me.

I made it through the holidays. Now to do the actual work of dealing with the emotions behind it. To find a way to tell my mom I need to be left alone for a little while to deal with it and not have to worry that whatever place I'm in at that moment isn't misconstrued as towards her. I need to just deal and I'm doing that now.

It's just like I'm back to the begining, but not really but it's almost like that. I didn't even break down, a tear slipped, but i didnt break down when we had Grandpa say grace this year via video. I will now, but I didn't then.

I don't even want to think about how many years it will take for me to totally enjoy the holiday again. Thank God for NYE because that one isn't associated with Grandpa. He was always with a girlfriend, and we maybe had dinner with him some nights. But this is the one holiday that is different. So I'm not going to feel bad, I'm just going to miss my Grandpa.

Damn I miss him!