I know she doesnt read this so its no big deal to do some smack talking about Judy. Yes i still read her bullshit. I cant help it. Its better than daytime tv.

I finally realized why she was so vehoment about her relationship being sooo good, because its not! She really has some issues and i wish she would listen to people who actually have a clue about things.

She wont and thats why im blogging today lol.

She goes on and on about how others just wont let it go. But never realizing that if she just let it go, and really just let it go, it would go away. All you have to do is stop talking about it and stop writing about it publicly. The things that drive you mad will go away. Look what happened when i did just that. It went the fuck away and hasnt been back! To which im eternally greatful!

Another thing is, and some of us know this, that you can not expect your spouse to drop his children for you. No matter what kind of relationship they have now or in the past, you can not expect that your spouse will cut their children out of their life.

It is not the right of the step parent to be invited to everything. Its not the right of the stepparent to be invited to anything. If a child(adult or otherwise) doesnt want to include you in time with the parent they dont live with, you have to suck it up and deal with it.

I got lucky, i had a good dad. I want him included in everything. But then again maybe thats because ive had him since i was 8 years old. I dont know, but i know he did the job he was supposed to do.

Maybe when your to concerned about your relationship you forget these things. But from reading her blogs its plain to see that she is nothing but jealous of anyone who had anything to do with him before her.

If you know in your heart that something wasnt going on because you know where a person was at a specific time, then just laugh at people who try to tell you otherwise. Especially if your sure all they want to do is break up your relationship. Hell i went through that with the asshole. Some chick tried to tell me what he was doing and when he was doing it. Unfortunatly at that time everything she said could be disputed. So if you know let it go.

But dont ever think you can ask a parent to pick you over their child. No matter how old they are. If your spouse wants to disengage from their childrens life they will. But any pushing and prodding you do will just drive them further away from you.

One true thing my mom taught me was not everyone has to like you. Thats the truth about the world. Not everyone has to like you and not everyone will. Its ok.

I kind of wish i could tell her this stuff. But shes to far gone to see reason. Shes too far gone to see that not every comment is an attack. Plainly shes just to far gone into the crazy pool and noone offered her any help.

Heres to knowing that your not always number 1.

There's a lot going on in my world right about now. Some of it is a ways out and I'm looking forward to it. Some of it is health related, but not mine. Some of it is the reason why I havn't been blogging here the last day or so. Some of it involves 51 people being invited.

I like to plan ahead. I dont know where it came from but I like to plan ahead. In February we go to the hotel in Coralville for Christmas with the Joliet family. Well this year another friend is also supposed to be going and shes bringing her daughter. We are trying to come up with possibly some new ideas for food. I didnt take Mae last year but this year she is going. Im definitly going to want 20 minutes to ourselves. You know the big kids lol. Ive already got it lined up so that me and my friends can have a bit of time together. So yay thats done.

My friend Brigitte, who is more like a sister, is sick. Ive known she was sick since the day we started daycare with her. When we first started going she had just had a baby. Then not long after she had a hysterectomy. After that there were several scopes thrown in. A surgery here and being sick, her celiacs. My friend is REALLY sick.

Shes been living with this for a long long time. Two weeks ago she was sick in a different way bad enough that she actually called the doctor. If she is calling the doctor right away, something isnt right. Last week she got test results back. Now she has Chrom's disease. They think her celiac slowed it down. They said that its fatal in some part of her intestine. Which means a surgery. She has ulcers and erosions that will eventually lead to surgery. They have to wait for them to be worse they they are before they cut into her.

It really really sucks! 27 years old, 3 kids, and failing health. Together we both believed, even though the signs were there that we shouldnt, that she had at least another 10 years before surgery. Ok so maybe it was that high but it was definitly higher than what it is now. Now she will have to take 24 pills a day for the rest of her life. O joy!

My mom called while we were talking it about it yesterday and told me that my dads cousins wife has cancer. Not a little cancer but a lot of cancer. She had a huge tumor on her ovary. Bad news its not ovarian cancer. You just pop those bad boys out and start ingesting chemicals to help that. No hers started in her colon. Why is is bad news its not ovarian? Because her mother died of colon cancer. Paula is a funny woman! One year for the 4th of july party at my moms, she was an enchalada queen.

We rolled so many enchaladas and laughed so much. Its hard to think of this woman as going to be sick and noone in the family, i havnt heard other wise at this time, has asked what her prognosis is. Her mother died from it, its already spread, Noone is asking.

So my friend Brigitte, who hates me by the way, came over yesterday to discuss plans for her sisters baby shower. Im not even related for real to these people, and i got elected to help. Obviously i dont mind doing it, its just funny. Her mom told her to get me involved because im a fun person, and im always having a good time when she sees me. Yay i have confirmation that im happy lol.

I get to help with the games, and the food, and the decorations. Thank god all i have to contribute is my time and a gift. Its not that hard to help someone host a party. If your not the host you get to do the running. Im good at that.

Well in the course of talking about it with her mother in law lol we found another use for me. Where i live is in a very very very small town, about 5 miles outside of the big town. Well we have our own city hall and they have like a meeting room/party room. If your a resident its 25 dollars if your not its 50. Halls are expensive. This one isnt bad at all. I had my baby shower there 14 yrs ago. So now thats our location.

Yesterday she comes over and brings me my birthday present because we hadnt been able to get together till then. I love my birthday present! Its Heavenly...one of the angel perfumes from Victoria Secrets. Then she drops the bomb on me.

Im sitting here all without a clue and im like well we can do this rice game. She goes thats an awful lot of bowls. Im like huh...and then i heard 51 people are invited.

I about freaking died! Oh i cursed her name and cursed her face and then looked at her and thanked her again for my perfume. She laughed and said maybe this is why i wasnt able to get over here lol i had a present for when i broke the news lol.

Thanks to yahoo answers i got a great link to a babyshower site and we have our games. Her mom is doing the food and now we just have to wait for the day to get here and go decorate and stuff.

I have been blogging. Its just not been my life stuff. Ive been blogging somewhere else. Lots of like minded folks. Ive also been doing a bit of chatting. Its nice to talk to other people at night and hey i dont mind my ego being stroked a bit.

Things inside me are churning up and i dont know why they chose now to start. I just wish i could fast forward past all the learning and growing and whatever the hell it is im doing and get to the good stuff. But without the work, if i get what i want, its not worth it.

Heres to spilling everything in one shot lol.

I stole this from Rositas blog on the crappy stupid lame ass new profile blog page on yahoo. I really hate that thing! But Rosita was my click of the day today and this is what i found. I loved it soo much and it was probably the only american thing ive gotten behind in a LONG while. Hope you all enjoy it as much as i did. And if its old to you well pffffftttt to you too lol


You could have heard a pin drop!

Great comments made at the RIGHT time.JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?” DeGaulle did not respond.You could have heard a pin dropWhen in England, at a fairly large conference, the Archbishop of Canterbury asked Colin Powell if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our b orders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”You could have heard a pin drop.There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, “Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?” A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day; they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'You could have heard a pin drop.A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?” Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”You could have heard a pin drop.IN ADDITION, THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.” The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.” “Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!” The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.”You could have heard a pin drop.

Its been a long 24 hours. I spent most of it puking. The rest i spent trying to sleep, trying to corral the Mae, and trying to not kill anyone in my way.

I had to leave the house 4 times today and all i wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die.

About 530ish this am i was at the gas station for gatorade and apple juice. I was dying of thirst. I hadnt been able to keep anything in my system. I was tired of being thirsty. I was tired of throwing up. But thirst won out.

Its pretty pathetic when you find a bag of ice in the freezer thats probably a year old if not older and you smash it just to get a couple pieces of ice to suck on. Its even worse when you pass back out after sucking one and wake up to a melted bowl of ice and slurp it down. Pathetic! But that was me!

So i put my big girl panties on and braved the rain to get liquid and to slurp it and pray to not heave to bad. It wasnt fun!

Then i woke up AGAIN, did i mention i was up every hour to two hours to either puke, shit, or both? I was up and this time i was really really achy. Well as achy as i went to bed. Mom had the best idea. Acetaminaphen suppositorys! Ooooo there is nothing like sticking something up your ass to really set the mood for the day! But it made it so i could sleep. Thank god Mae wasnt too bad in the morning. I dont know if i didnt hear her with granpa because she was being good or i was just so exhausted i passed straight out.

Then i had to go pick my car up. Ya know...seriously...all i wanted was to sit down and not hear Mae going Mama Mama MAMA! She wasnt bad, it was all me being sick, but man she was grating on my nerves.

Then last but not least i had to drop her at the assholes. You know i dont drop her off and go up. But tonight we were a little early and i had to park down the street. So i walked her into the apartment complex.

Im standing there looking like shit, feeling like shit, Mae clinging to me, and im all like look. Im sorry shes dirty, im sorry her hair isnt brushed, ive been sick blah blah. I dont send Mae to him looking like a scuzzball...its bad enough i see her like that on Sundays. So the asshole asks about her flu shot. Im telling you im out of my mind with exhaustion and not feeling good and im supposed to remember if she has had a flu shot? The asshole looks at me like im the worst mother and tells me i should know. Um hello...im sick im tired, im miserable. I dont remember I dont know and to be honest at that moment i could care less!!

So i get home and im rehashing the drop off and im like whoa wait just a minute. Flu shots you dont get right away. You have to get them in like October. They try to get you to wait a little bit because it will last longer the later you get it. So obviously im going to get her one.

BUT right now im a little more concerned about getting myself well so i can work tomorrow. Hell it was a nightmare trying to find someone to cover my shift tonight. Id have gone in, but i wouldnt have been any good for anyone. Hell last night i wasnt any good. Tomorrow ill be better and be able to deal.

Heres to getting better and not ripping people a new asshole even if they deserve it. Oh and to losing 6 pounds from puking!!

Im sick. Mae was sick on tuesday. She came home and was all my belly hurts my belly hurts then hurl! Oh that was a fun tuesday.

Kept her home from school yesterday to not get everyone sick. Went to work way way early today and by 6 i was sick.

Ohhh i feel bad for Amie. Poor preggo girl was basically left on her own while i hurled everything i could from my body. Im still purging,and it sucks.

Why am i blogging if im so sick? because im on a break from the bathroom. Ill be there before long, i feel the nasty in my belly.

So i have done things i probably shouldnt have and we will see where they go

heres to hurrying up and stop puking

I had THE BEST birthday! It was a long day but it was awesome!

Friday afternoon we went to the Cattle Congress. It used to be a big huge fair, now its dwindled to almost nothing. But we still have it and we still go.

Grandpa, Mae and I got there about 1130 and took in part of the rainforest show, then stopped and saw my mom who had to be there for her work. We ate at the Amvets Ooodles and Ooodles of chicken and noodles hut. Oooo its good. They serve family style chicken n noodles and boiled potatos, coleslaw and rolls. All you can eat for 7.50, yumyum. Mae was threatened with no rides if she didnt eat any food. She ate a couple bites lol. Good enough!

Mae spent a lot of time on the kiddie rides but she really loves the dizzy dragons so we went on that. I got that dragon spinning round n round. Wooo dizzy lol.

After Cattle Congress Grandpa dropped us off at the hotel and we went swimming. Man that girl loves to freaking swim. She had me throwing her in the pool and just kicking around. It was fun. Then kimmi chad and sidney showed up. Yayy the party started! Kimmi took Mae to her dads for me yesterday since i was without a car. She also took Mae back with her when she left from swimming. So my birthday started out with some alone time.

I tried to take advantage of it since i was up at 6 and take a nap. People kept calling me lol. But i managed about an hour!

I had invited people to come out for my birthday to have a drink. I had thought maybe i would buy 1 tablecloth and a can of peanuts. Cheap but festive lol. Well i heard earlier in the week that mom had taken care of it. She said just let me cuz ive already. Well i didnt expect a party party!!

I was kinda late to my own party. But not really because it was only 930 when i got there and i had told everyone between 9 and 930 lol. I get a phone call kind of ruining the surprise from a friend wanting to know where the hell i was lol.

They pick me up and hand me something nice lol. We did that on the way to the bar and then got there and my mom did a great job! There were balloons on the table, table clothes, tea light candles in glass jars with the stones, and a cake, and in the back a table with food! My mom also had a tab for the party. They spent like a 130 bucks if not a lil more for the tab.

I got there and i whipped out my money because i needed a beer lol. Thats when i found out i wasnt supposed to buy my first ones. I ended up only spending maybe 20 if that and thats cuz i needed smokes and we went to the tittie bar!

I had such an awesome time. However the singing of bad karoke was BAD BAD BAD lol. My first song up was a song i did a couple weeks ago BUT AFTER i was crocked lol. I cant sing Girlfriend by Avril come on lol. But it was fun. I sang all night long!

I think i may have been slipped a jagerbomb by my cousin and i had a lemon drop. but after that first shot my cousin gave me, yea i stayed away from the bar lol. My friends were so awesome. One of my friends deliberatly stayed semi sober because he wanted to be there for us. Maaaaaaaan i told him how much i appreciated him.

Hell he saved my birthday for me. What party is complete without a lil drama. My friend kimmi and her man had issues. BECAUSE HES STUPID!! And kimmi was fired up and hell she yelled at me lol. She later apologized profusely for yelling at me lol. But my friend Kenn came out and grabbed me and said come on back its your birthday you dont need to be part of any drama. Woooooo we went drinking!

I had friends there i hadnt partied with in awhile and family was there, and everyone i wanted to be was there. Seriously i had no idea i was going to have that great a time. My mom threw down and threw down proper!

No party is complete without BOOBIES!!! And i was on a mission to see me some boobies!! The strip club is like 2 blocks away. With a lil help from my good friend and husband to be in 2057 or something, i tripped my way down. Did i mention i was dressed in the correct shoes? Which i still dont know how i didnt fall down lol.

We get there and i almost cant find my id...now that would have been upsetting. My friend Tammy who is really really not girl friendly went with. She took one for the team by coming with. We almost had her face in some boobies but she just couldnt do it. So i took the boobies for the team lol. Mmmmm i like strippers on my birthday lol. I was bitten quite nicely. Oooo so nicely. Then it was back to the bar lol. Hey you cant abandon my mom and my ride lol

On the way back the rest of the crowd finally pulled themselves away to go and we were on the way back. Kimmi didnt get to see boobies so i flashed lol. then ended up being bitten by my two friends later on lol. My friend kimmi is so repressed socially because of the men in her life lol. She really needs to get out and have a good time. Even though chad walked home, she proceeded to have a really good time. And then at the end she loooooooooooved me and i was her best friend and she loooooooooooved me and yay kimmi kisses. She gets kissy when shes drunk and im ok with that lol. Whats a few smooches between friends when its just smooches not tongue.

She told me she was all puking after she got back and the person she was fighting with lol helped her through it. Yay for not being a complete dickhead lol.

They threw us out of the bar because we just werent going at 2 lol. The last song i sang for the night was Toxicity by System of a Down. My friends are metal headbanger jumpers. They came up and were jumping to the song and hell my mom came rushing in and jumped and danced. Ooooo what a fucking great night it was!!

Heres to all the drama, kisses, bites, bad karoke, drinks, and the best time you could ask for on your birthday!

Facebook.....its not just addictive! It makes you cry from the outpouring of emotion you get when a family is connected.

Today would have been my Aunt Fran and Uncle Joe's 66th birthday. I made my mom a facebook page over labor day because i was tired of trying to be a go between of the computer world and the real world lol.

Lets face it its easier to facebook a person sometimes instead of picking up the phone. Especially if your a person who doesnt like to pick up the phone.

I made her a page and i added a ton of people because i had them on my list. And shes started on facebook now. She doesnt do it like i and others do it, but shes on there and working it her way.

She put in her message today that she was sending happy birthdays to heaven and that started the ball rolling. All day long the family has been leaving things on facebook. Mine was that i love my family or something schmaltzy like that, then my cousin Melanie was leaving lil messages for her brother n sister about their mom. There were messages left on my moms that were so heartfelt it was unreal. By the end of it we were all bawling.

Its nice to know that we have family and that we love each other. Maybe we need to take the time to say it more often, or maybe to just hug each other.

Ok so im half crying again just thinking of the messages and thoughts.

Heres to facebook....not just the crack of the net.

Its all about me again! 3 more days! Thats all it is, 3 short days! Then its my birthday!

I dont know about you, but i like my birthday! Even though i know that it brings me closer and closer to freak out numbers. I love my birthday! Its like how Christmas is for some people. Its my day!

I get forgiven for almost any behavior that might result from the drinking that will occur. Later of course i must endure hearing about said behavior. Accept any and all ridicule that comes from it.

Ahhh the joy of a birthday! I have one requirement for my birthday. Birthday Cake! I dont know why but i have to have a birthday cake on my birthday or i get testy. My mom is pretty good about getting me a cake or at least some kind of treat. Last year or the year before i dont remember, but we were in the middle of a big fight. We werent talking to each other and then she broke it by asking my granpa is she could come to dinner with us. We got there and mom had a drink for me and a chocolate brownie with a candle. Yea that was great! Im tellin ya i have to have cake!

This year my birthday is on Friday! That is the best day to have a birthday on! Most people go out on Friday nights. They have money on Friday nights. My birthday is on Friday night! We are going to the bar! My mom has a hotel room for me and the plans are made!

I did however find out that my mom had something up her sleeve. I dont know exactly what but she enlisted my friend kimmi in on her plans. Kimmi was keeping it a secret and she was having trouble holding it. She didnt tell me details but just that she was glad i had found out because she was kinda in a panic.(bear with the way this reads ty)

My birthday is Friday. I drop Mae off at Fridays at 9pm. Now i love my Mae, but its Friday AND its my birthday! Wouldnt it be nice to have some time alone before i go out and try not to do bodily harm to myself? I think yes it would be. Soooo i pulled the friend card out. I asked kimmi if she wanted to go swimming with us. Her Mae me and Sidney. I also had to ask her if she could give me a ride to drop Mae off. my car is going in the shop, so im without a vehicle for a couple days. Friday being my birthday...ITS PROBABLY A GOOD GODDAMNED THING lol.

She had no problem with that. Thought it would be fun and no biggie to do the drop off. Thats what she told me anyways. The whole time she was scrambling to try and figure out how to go swimming and still go set some stuff up that my mom asked her to do lol. Then i was like hey unless you want to take mae after swimming as a birthday present to me?? Again my birthday i get a couple bad friend passes lol. She was like cool i can do that lol. It solved her problem of having to juggle juggle. Now she just has to juggle.

Its my birthday AND its Friday night! Its my birthday, its friday night, AND its bad bad bad karoke at the bar!! Oooo my birthday is turning out pretty good lol. I love bad karoke. This karoke is sooooo bad that i can even desecrate Freebird and its ok! Yes it is that bad!!! Ohhh its going to be fun for me lol.

I have 9 confirmed guests. Its all about the quality of the people who are there, not quantity. These are people who i want to spend my birthday with. There are more invites out there, but 9 confirmed. I can have a good time with these people. My mom is probably going to bail early and im not going home till i have to lol. That or im literally not able to function properly lol. Im thinking that maybe when they bail a trip to the see the dancers is in order!!

Who knows! All i know is ITS FRIDAY AND ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Heres to enjoying your birthday no matter what number is creeping up!!

And now for something youll really enjoy! Yes its a blog thats enjoyable.

We had a great weekend with the family. Occasionally we do have weekends that are drama free. Its nice when we have them. Though ill be honest i know i went overboard when asked what we did on Friday. It wasnt a pump for information, but for those of us who had to be on our best behavior the information just pour out in the hopes that more stay overs would happen. For the record i wasnt on any kind of behavior. I was just me because Katie isnt stupid, she would know if i was being on my best behavior.

Let me tell you what lol we have no concept of time. My family just doesnt get it. I can be on time 99% of the time, sometimes life happens for that 1% im not. I asked my sister if i had time for a shower before we left. She said yes and then together we realized that no i didnt and they would have to wait an hour for me to get there. My sister came up with a great plan, change the meeting place and i only had to wait 10 minutes.

The rush was on. Ever notice that im always rushing? I dont know why that is, its not like i dont plan out what im doing when it comes to big things. I usually have it down to the minute, hell i know down to the minute how long it takes to get some places. I dont know why i just do lol.

We went to my work for lunch and we were lucky the lunch rush was over. It was over pretty early but im not complaining. That gave my work friends time to meet Katie. My friend Kimmi is sooooo awesome. She gave Katie her lunch for free and made a big deal out of it and I was greatful. She didnt need to do anything to make us feel good, but she did and it was a nice touch. Again everyone knew how important this was.

Off to the video store. Maaan let me tell you theres nothing like trying to find movies for everyone to watch. We did it though and ended up with some crap lol. Its ok though because id rather watch crap with katie then crap without her. That left us with an hour before pictures.

Ive had it with pictures. Im so tired of them lol. It was such a mess for me trying to figure out times and money and just everything. That day i couldnt find the shirt i wanted to wear, found it later at the bottom of a basket. Then had to change the time a couple different times. Finally Finally we made it to pictures.

On the way to pics i look in my rearview mirror and who do i see? John! We stopped and talked to him for a minute and then rushed off for the potty because i didnt want to deal with an accident.

The pictures are awesome! If i had the money i would have bought the cd rights so i could publish them at will. What ill probably end up doing is taking a picture of the picture lol and post that. We got the best deal! Ill never get that deal again, but im not going to bitch! I love disgruntled employees sometimes. This one was told that she was expendable at the start of the day from her boss. Lets just say i think i got about 200 bucks worth of pictures and such for 77! Im not bitching in the least. I am going to call their big manager and rave this girl and her associate. They did everything awesome for us. They understood what 3 1/2 years means!

By the time we were done with pictures, a ride on the merry go round, and paying a dillards bill for my mom; it was a bit after 6 when we got home. Meatloaf only takes an hour and about 10 minutes to make from start to finish. Yay it was quick.

We watched movies and hung out. I brought up maybe Katie could come another time and spend a couple days that way we dont spend the whole day in the car. Shes thinking about it but it sounds promising.

Saturday thru Monday was spent at my moms. We had a great time! Kimmi, Chad, and Sidney came with us. She brought like 144 homemade chocolate chip cookies. The men in my family admit to double digits when it came to the cookies. No im not talking 10s lol.

Katie took Mae out in the kayak. Kimmi and Chad jumped in after. Chad being the good guy was going to take Mae out. Unfortunately they dumped the kayak lol. It would have been really funny but he had his smokes in his back pocket lol.

Only had to save Mae from the lake once. She decided to go out a little far and in ran mommy in all her clothes. Mae survived the big ol splinter in her foot. We thought her slip in the tub was the result of her not being able to walk well. Nope just a huge splinter. Getting ahead of myself the only other mishap was Katie after the pontoon, her neck and back hurt. So she spent time in moms room. Katie Mae and I also spent time alone while she was convelessing(yes, i know i spelled it wrong lol).

Sunday i asked Katie if she wanted to go out in the paddleboat with Mae and me. She was getting ready to go swimming off the pontoon. BUT she invited Mae and me to go out with. Ok so i knew the water was cold, but i was not turning down an invite from Katie.

OMG the water was freaking COLD. I dont mean a lil cold, i mean i felt like a guy when i jumped in that water. Like everything on the outside was now crawled up inside! Next step was getting Mae in the water. She tried to drown me when she first got in because of the cold.

The minute she got used to it though, that was it! She was kicking her legs and using her arms. She had a hell of a time.

My sister went with us and her kids are not the daredevils my girl seems to be. Logan was not into the water and screamed the moment he got in. Ella played on the float we brought. But when grandma and grandpa pulled up in the speed boat. They got in. Mae got in too, BUT. When she realized they were leaving and no more swimming would ensue she wanted OFF!

I dont think she anticipated the way she was getting off the boat. My dad threw her overboard!! OMG lol nothing wrong with that cuz the suit brought her right up, i just wish id have been a bit closer when he tossed her. She loved it and proceeded to jump off the pontoon.

It was the best time...until. Time to leave. Ive gotten over crying when i leave Katie. This time i was crying again, for a different reason. Mae upon realizing that Katie wasnt coming home with us proceeded to scream, cry, bawl, throw a fit. To the point of almost throwing up. She did this all the way through the town of chelsea. About 10 to 20 minutes. She cried so hard she passed out with exhaustion.

SIGHS!!! It sucked for that, but we did have a great time! Im glad that we had all that time to spend with Katie and im glad that we had a good time!

Heres to making/eating s'mores at the bonfire next to Katie!

I have a big long blog about the weekend coming up. Right now i just want to blog about the coolest thing that Mae did for the first time today.

One of the things im worried about with her development is that she wont answer questions. You ask her what color something is and she says Color. She wont answer and its frustrating because all the other 3 year olds do it. And i cant even fool myself by going oh shes only been 3 for a month. Because shes almost to the half lol.

Well today when i picked her up from school, and we were walking out i asked about lunch. She actually answered! She told me they had carrots, and dip, and chicken nuggets. I asked her what she had to drink. She said chocolate milk!

I literally about cried. I was so happy that she did something everyone else has been doing. I know i know dont judge her by others, but sometimes its hard not to, especially when you see lots of other kids doing them.

A milestone moment! It may have just been a moment, but its a moment none the less. We are also working really hard on the potty training. I have come to realize that its a whole lotta my fault that its not been taking. My big bad was that i let her wear pullups. Now for some reason its just finally come into my head that pullups are just diapers with a pretty name and pretty price. So Mae has been wearing big girl panties and ive been taking her to the bathroom ALOT lol but she still has yet to tell me she has to go or that go on her own. BUT so far with me doing all the running we have had no accidents.

Heres to all the wonderful things our kids do that bring us to our knees!

Im exhausted! Im very very tired! I didnt sleep for shit last night! Ive already got a load of laundry in the washer. My dishes are in the sink. And im going to try to get at least another hours worth of sleep.

Im so excited Katie is coming to visit! The drive isnt making the top of my list but hey it brings me Katie!

There is so much going on right now and i just cant seem to stay in control of anything lol. Its a good thing im not a control freak or this would be freaking me out!

Heres hoping everyone has a good safe holiday weekend!

Let me start out with...i am not bipolar. Though i am having an evening where it really makes a person wonder! As you may have guessed the blog that was what 20 mintues ago? I was a mess. I was upset. I was crying. I was hurt. I was angry.

Lets face it i was just one big ball of fucked up! It was a situation that just sucks and there was no containing my emotions. Well lets bring on bipolar moment number 2 for the night!

Between the blog and everything i was talking to my friend Brigitte. I sent her a text telling her what was going on and she called me instead of texting. She knew i was crying and that i was all yuck. She said what i was thinking and didnt want to think about. She was like why doesnt katie spend the night, did i blog this, god it seems like i did. Im sorry im having a night!

Anyways...i decided to send my mom a text asking her if she would ask them about it. I had already been told katie wasnt ready to stay. But hell why not just ask! I mean the time had gotten cut really really short!

Well my mom called me and said she was sitting there and she had gotten my text. She had just decided to call them tonight instead of waiting and they called her!

Miracles do happen! Katie is now spending the night! I cried and cried and cried. My mom told me to take a hormone pill. Yea im thinking thats what i need more of lol.

Ohhh now i have to plan dinner. I told mom that id have to see if katie still liked meatloaf. She says she does so im making meatloaf. Im going to have to make some real mashed potatos too i think. Hell im already making potato salad ill have potatos.

Heres to bipolar moments that arent because your bipolar!

I knew the disappointment was inevitable! I knew that something would come along and fuck up all the plans i had for Katies visit! After drive time the amount of time we have out of the car is going to come down to about 3 hours, 4 if the new schedule stays the same.

I had the whole fucking day planned. I had it planned from 730/8 am until 430 pm planned. I had it all scheduled out. I had EVERYTHING in place. I was going to make this day as special as a person can make 8 hours.

How do you make 3 hours special? I mean really how do you? We have to drive an hour and a half to pick her up. We have to drive an hour and a half back to waterloo. At 1 oclock we have pictures. Now we have to skip pictures with grandpa because of time constraints. 3 hours!

I guess it was too much to ask for that i get a day with my daughter. It was too much to hope for. Im glad that i knew that i was being set up for disappointment. I know its not their fault that my BIL's boss didnt give him the time off. I know that....but how am i supposed to stop the hurt and disappointment.

To be honest i would really rather she not come up at all since its only for that short an amount of time. I mean really, here i was all excited for a whole day and now i get mere hours. Hell the asshole gets more time with Mae then i ever get with Katie. And im not anywhere near what the asshole is like.

I know i know i have to own all my responsibility in this. BUT i dont think i should be punished for living my life when katie wasnt living with me. Was i supposed to stay home and pretend that my child was with me and live my life like that? If i was i wish someone would have informed me.

I cant help but be hurt and disappointed. Hell my mom has spent more time with Katie. I have begged pleaded screamed and everything else to spend time with her...finally after 3 years i was getting a chance. And now the day has been snatched away because of a shit boss. And im left with 3/4 hours.

Its not the same spending time with katie at her house or my moms. Everyone is there. Everyone is watching. everyone's expectations of katie is the same when shes at home. With spending the day with us, she could just be katie. The daughter i love and miss. The girl who i want to just look at and know when she says mom its me shes talking to.

Hell one visit she kept saying mom mom mom and finally MOM. It took me that long to realize she was talking to me. I had gotten so used to hearing her call my sister mom and it breaking my heart.

i had one full day to be mom and know that when she said mom it was me!! Im hurt im disappointed and i cant say anything because its all about not hurting katie and doing whats best for her.

Just once id like to not feel like this. like i have to forever pay for whatever the hell it is im paying for. I just wanted to spend the WHOLE day with my girls and my grandpa. I just wanted to have breakfast, lunch, and hell i could have done an early dinner. I just wanted what i cant have. I dont think its too unreasonable to have wants of my own.

Heres to disappointment...a friend i wish i didnt know so well.