No decision to make Saturday night! The combination of drinking and headbanging took its toll on John. Brigitte and I had to take him home because he got sick and had to much party!

There was a huge fight with me and my mom and that freed up my sunday. John had said lets get a hotel in an earlier text this week and i had declined. Well obviously he didnt know that i was thinking of saying hey lets, or else im pretty sure he wouldnt have just let loose like he did.

I was totally into letting loose! It had been a month since i had gone out and done anything and i needed it!

I dont know what my problem is. John is a really nice guy and i like hanging out with him. Im cool with the hugs and kisses, but come to sex and i just want to hide. I dont know if its because hes a big guy and ive never been with a big guy, i dont know if im just stupid, i just dont know.

I know that im not as sexual as i used to be it seems. I dont pleasure myself and i just dont think about it. I used to be a masterbating fool, but i stopped a few years back because of lifestyle stuff. Now i dont know whats wrong. I cant seem to kick start my sex drive.

Im pretty sure that id like to at least try sex with John but i really have no idea how to have sex with him. First hes way tall and hes a big guy. I dont have any idea how to make the parts fit! Im scared to have sex with him i guess, but i dont know why. But its really putting a damper on things.

I also am smart enough to know that you cant really progress anywhere without the sex part. Sex is important to me and id hate to hate the sex and be stuck in that kind of relationship.

He also wants to take Mae and me on vacation. I dont know why, but im not really feeling it. Im not as comfortable with it as i should be.

What the hell is wrong with me??

Its date night again and this time, i have lots of drinks to drink and decisions to make lol

Im a bit disappointed tonight! Its ok though life happens, and it was nice to see that life happening isnt cause for traume and drama!

This week was 2 months of seeing John and this is the first week that we wont be hanging out. This morning Mae woke up at 137 in the am and i was treated to vomit and a 103.7 temperature!

I am very concerned about Mae but i am disappointed that the weekly dates got a hiccup this week. We were supposed to go over and have supper with John. I asked the doctor about it and she told me 72 hours is best and since there is a 1 yr old where he lives, that Mae absolutly shouldnt go over.

The whole time though im making sure to get a reason/excuse from the doctor. Leftover bullshit from the kids dad. It pisses me off that i still feel like i have to have a reason that can be checked and verified and to prove im not being a bitch or whatever!! Its not fair that i cant get rid of all the past bullshit. Im trying very very hard and sometimes i think im doing better then others.

Im just glad though that John was understanding and there was no trauma drama to come out of it. I need to keep telling myself that John needs to have his own fuck ups with me unclouded by other peoples fuckups.

Gawddd im telling you this really is tougher then it should be and its all because of my baggage. Plus i really really think its time we sped up the whole physical aspect of this thing!! He needs to hurry up and actually decide on a place to live! Though im thinking lol that going out all the time will end, but thats ok, we can watch a movie!

Tamales! Ohhh how i love tamales! Heck when John was getting over being sick i wanted tamales so we had mexican, poor guy! Then we went for lunch with mom yesterday and i had to take a tamale home.

Well John had hoped that the pool would be open at his house by next weekend, and had invited us to go swimming. Looks like it wont be and thats ok because the weather is crazy. He texted me a bit ago asking if i wanted to have lunch on Saturday and he would cook.

Last man i was with who cooked i swear i gained literally 80 lbs! This man likes to eat and cook! I texted him back that anything without coconut and raw onion was fine by me. I get a text back saying how about tamales?

*jaw hits floor* IS HE FREAKING INSANE!! I understand that he has been enjoying the tamales and he has seen me enjoying the tamales, and hes definitly seen mae enjoy my and her tamales lol. I texted him back that if they were from a restraunt sure lol do you know how much work they are? i dont want you to go to a lot of trouble.

OMFG tamales are WORK, PREPERATION, PLANNING, and um WORK!! It can take 2 days to make them. You have to make the meat and shred it. You have to soak the corn husks. You have to make the masa. You have to spread the masa on the corn husk, fill it with meat and then roll it up. Then you steam them bad boys.

Now typing it it may not seem like a lot of work, but ive read the how tos on it! I havnt even attempted to make them and im all up for trying new things! I wonder if i should then offer to help him make them? I probably should, but i dont really wanna cuz i can see me throwing a steam pot out the damn window without it being opened from the sheer frustration of spreading and rolling!

Ohhh dear lord! Why couldnt he have said hey lets just grill out lol...the continuing saga in the dating world lol

Im ready for the warmth to come back! We had a really nice week and then whammo we got hit with rain, wind, and cool air. I liked it warm! Mae didnt get on my nerves so much because we were able to spend hours outside in the fresh air. Today really wasnt the best day for fresh air, but we braved it!

Today was our trip to the farmers market to meet John's mom. I guess shes been wanting to meet me and today was a good day to do it. His mom sells baked goods at the market and was nice enough and gave Mae a 3 pack of cupcakes. I really tried to pay for them, but she said no. Thankfully though she did take my money, when i insisted, for the salted nut rolls for my dad and mom. They were a big hit!

We talked with his mom for 20 minutes or so id guess, but it was really cold. I ended up putting my old ragged hoodie on while John held Maes hand. Glad that he didnt freak out lol you know how some guys get. Just another part of what he has to get used to lol.

Like i was saying his mom was really nice and next thing i knew i had an invitation to a wedding lol. John just kind of was shocked i think lol i dont know he had this look as he stammered he was going to ask me to go just hadnt yet lol. I of course said yes, and that i would have to get a nicer outfit to wear.

Its only and outdoor wedding but i can at least look nice for that. Unfortunatly i had to ask my mommy to take me shopping lol, while im sure ill be paying for the outfit for the rest of my life, her point is that im a reflection on her and dear lord why was i wearing that ragged hoodie when i met Johns mom. ROFLMAO....i told my mom dont worry i didnt have it on when i first met her.

It really was chilly. It was in the 50's and it was breezy with some cloud cover. After i said hi and stood chit chattin and freezin i excused myself to get my hoodie lol.

We went and saw my friend Kimmi who was working across the street for a minute and then it was a quick good by to his mom, who informed him that he had just missed his grandmother. We took off for lunch with my family for mothers day.

So far the only things my mom doesnt really care for with John is that hes really quiet and shes always asking him huh lol and she thinks he paws me. I think thats funny because all we did was kiss a little bit. Nothing gross just some quick kisses. Brigitte told me that Mick, her hubby, thought he pawed me when we went out the night of my moms birthday.

Sometimes i dont know what the deal is lol. i dont see it as pawing me, cuz if it was id have to say something. I told my mom he was probably ready for some sex and then she was like well if hes gonna ....i cut her off and was like he didnt say anything. im just saying hes probably ready for some sex. I think maybe i am too. Now just to find the right spot and right time lol.

Jeez i really do need a dayplanner ive got so many things set up for the next month....good lord....im a social butterfly again!

Most times i think im not happy with what ive got so i invent things to make it bad. I think im getting tired of only doing the weekend thing with John. I mean i like having someone around, but now im doubting my ability to be in any form of relationship.

I think ive gotten past the lets be slow stage and now im ready to kick it up a notch or twenty. The big problem is we both live at home. While i was deathly afraid of him getting this apartment, i wish now he had! I think its time for us to do things at houses and to be perfectly honest, like my mom says, grandpas furniture isnt comfortable. Besides being almost as old as me lol i dont know how John and his 6' 3'' frame could deal with tryin to get in and out of the couch lol.

We were invited next weekend to go swimming. I really hope the weather turns at least another 15 degrees warmer and the rain stops. Otherwise we wont be able to go swimming. Maybe i should suggest an alternative, but hell i dont know what to suggest.

The whole not having an income thing really sucks when it comes to this dating thing. I have always been the one to go above and beyond what i have to offer(thats my good friends opinion) and i hate doing things that cost money! Maybe i can see about moving the very uncomfortable couch around in the living room. Thats work but hell i dont know!

Todays date has us going to the farmers market to say hi to his mom and then its off for lunch with my family for mothers day.

Not a big date day but it will do.

I am so tired of the paranoia that isnt actually paranoia. I am very very happy right now and i have decided fuck it, im not going to hide it. I know that i have people who just cant find it in themselves to delete me from all their lists. Im tired of hearing that i am the one who needs to not share anything.

Why should I? I already have everything i can have set to private set to private. I have freely admitted that i put things out there that are nothing. I have pieces of paper around my desk that have sayings written down. Just the random shit that pops into my head that i share online. I dont see how its my problem that someone else is misinterpreting what im saying. The people who know me know that i do this. That its not a secret and its certainly nothing new.

I hate that i have to worry about what im saying is going to be misconstrued and i get stupidty out of it. For awhile i thought maybe i might just be paranoid and then i got a phone call from my mother. I had been tattled on. Stupidity! Then i look down at my saved messages and there is one from someone i deleted a long time ago. I wasnt just being paranoid.

But im tired of censoring my life. Maybe i dont have to share everything with everyone. Damn it, i would like to share that im happy and that things are good and the reason why im happy and things are good without fear of being watched and misconstrued.

I decided to take a stand for me! Im going to start telling some things publicly and the things i need to just get out can stay here. I want to share my happiness. I like hearing happy stuff and its been awhile since i got to share any personal happiness.

So im going to go on and do my thing, knowing that just because people are watching doesnt mean i shouldnt live my life and enjoy my life.

Now to just get through all the upcoming dates i have planned lol. Who knewe id end up needing a planner lol.

John has been sick this week and i didnt think we were going to see him this weekend. Friday i was so busy that i never got around to texting him. I had thought about it and i got busy with the girls and just didnt get to it.

This morning i woke up to a text from him. We texted a couple times today but nothing special. Then he was like hey want to grab some dinner im not contagious anymore.

LOL...i was like ive got mae so what do you have in mind. Ended up being my choice so we went close to home and ate at the mexican restraunt not 5 minutes from my house lol.

I dont know in dating if your supposed to play all stupid and be like oh its last minute so i cant go or blah blah. I wanted to go to dinner, its always a nice time when we go out so we went.

Mae did really really good considering she was tired as all get out, and was runnin on orange soda and chips n salsa lol.

John had a surprise for me when we got there. He brought me a box of good chocolate! He was like i dont know if you eat chocolate or not. I was like i dont eat a lot of chocolate i said but this is good chocolate lol. Its dark chocolate covered blueberries, some strawberry thing and truffles.

It came in a longish white box and the label said the name of their business...Indulgence in gold lettering. Oh it is the most beautiful box of chocolates i have ever been given! Its almost like this is straight out of a book, if not fairy tale.

John is very nice and very considerate. I just hope that if he wants to really date me date me, that he will be good for Mae. As much fun as im having with him, this month will really test whatever it is im doing with him.

The best thing the kids dad has done for me in a long time is be stupid to where he doesnt get to see Mae for a period of time. This month that i have Mae will bring out who John is. Being around kids isnt something you can fake. While i said if my mom didnt like him i wouldnt stop seeing him, if him and Mae dont click...i would have to consider not seeing him.

I thought that John meeting my family was a biggie. I think this is the test, what will determine if we go to a relationship or just be friendly and dating.

This dating stuff is a scary thing and half the time i think im doing it wrong. I am throughly enjoying the journy, now to figure out how to stop feeling like im taking advantage of him because he has done almost all the paying.

Still screwed up...but getting better everyday!

Tuesday was fun! Gramps,Mae, Sid, Me and John all went to the circus! Oh we had so much fun! John pulled in just as we did and walked inside with us.

Of course you know when you go to the circus the first thing you see is all the overpriced crap that kids just HAVE TO HAVE! Well John tried to buy the girls stuff, but since it was 2 kids, i paid for the first round of junk.

Then it was onto the cotton candy and sodas, i was good i let him pay for those. Off to find our seats. We had pretty decent seats for the show they put on. It wasnt the biggest show but it was nice.

They offered pony rides with pictures for 8 bucks, yea we did that. Funniest thing about the pony rides is the guy yells SHOVEL! and i stopped dead in my tracks one foot up. He goes Maam not you, the pony. Now i may not have been born or lived on a farm but if im near any animal and i hear SHOVEL...im dead stopping and cuz i dont want poo on my shoes.

Next Sid Mae and I took an elephant ride! Oh My GOD....the girls loved being on that elephant. I on the other hand figured out im soo not as flexible as i once was. As soon as i got on it was instacramp in my upper thigh....If i cant straddle an elephant roflmao how am i supposed to hang with John...Hes like six three and is a BIG guy! John tried to use my pos camera to get pictures of us on the elephant. But the cam sucks so the pics arent real good. Thank god for memories.

Back in the stands John bought me and the girls sno cones and then tried to buy Mae a 10 dollar elephant on a stick(when shes done with that thing im sooo keepin the "cane" inside lol). It was hard for me to let him buy her that. I dont know what my deal is but i always feel like i have to pay my own way.

Finally i relented and leaned over and told him that if he wanted to he could. He hopped off to the atm and mae had her elephant.

It was rather weird to be out and about with Mae and a guy who wasnt just a friend or her dad. Because John is so big i think that intimidates her, but when i wanted her to sit down next to me, nope she plopped her butt next to John.

I think he will be ok with her, its just strange for me. Mae is around all my friends but they are friends. Its just strange lol.

We had such a good time that after it was over John was like we should go to Adventureland this summer. Its our theme park about 2 hours from here. He said they have a circus there year round and we should go.

Wow....things are moving along. Hell i even blasted the net about it. I figure its time to let part of the cat out of the bag. Im living life and why shouldnt i be able to share at least part of it? Im done being scared, now to actually stop, of what kind of reaction ill get, but i waited a month for him to meet Mae and i have my moms approval for her to be around. Thats good enough for me!

Girls who make bad choices need their girlfriends and moms validation sometimes lol and between my mom and friends ill be helped making good choices.