You know even I would put on the girliest of dresses and the nicest of shoes if I was going to meet the queen. I mean really, it's the friggin Queen! Why wouldn't you want to look nice. Do you really need so much attention that you can't even do something that the rest of the world would.

I mean if your an African whatever meeting the Queen you wear your countries clothes. I chose Africa because they have some outfits that while costumey arent costumes. They are their style of clothing that has been around forever. It's not a suit and tie. Ya know what I'm saying. It's real clothes, Like Japan they have kimonos that are way nice. Not a dress. But there clothes not costumes.

I know this is a bit late lol, but I don't pay attention to stuff. I was going through people and they had Lady GaGa's fashion MISTAKES (my view lol) and I come to the one with her with the Queen.

How inappropriate and disrespectful to meet the Queen in that outfit. If she was meeting someone in the music/film/tv industry that might be ok. BUT THE FRIGGIN QUEEN you show up in red latex and say you toned it down. Um your a stupid disrespectful shit!

It's not appropriate to meet someone, in my opinion, with that kind of outfit. There is nothing wrong with putting on "normal" clothes for meeting someone. Your clothes are a costume designed to get you attention, which it did/does! I'm all for individuality, but come on, even I know that there are times that you put the costume away and be a person not a persona.

I don't know just an opinion. Just a stupid rant. Just a bit of what was in my mind.

Now onto figuring out how to deal with the Mae who got more than enough sleep and is hell on wheels (the good and bad way) and wants to I don't know...PUSH THE FREAKING LIMITS!!! I love the girl, but man...lol Come on 4...let's see what that has in store for me lol. I'm about done with 3 lol.

Happy New Year!! It's almost over, It's almost done, It's almost....TIME TO DO IT ALL AGAIN!!

I have been going since I got up lol. I've got the crockpot all cleaned and ready to have good hamburger cheese dip put in it. I've got the bottle of Ketel One my Uncle bought me. I've got it under control!

Except I had to call my mom. I had no idea how long to put this cheese in the crockpot for before serving. It's always been ready by the time I've gotten to the pot. I called Katie first, her phone is out of range. Called Dad's phone and Katie answered lol. Then Katie put my mom on the phone! Ooooo maaaaaaaaan are you kidding me!

So you know you can't just hang up on your mom. Ok so you can but that never helps anything. Anyways, she's like were getting ready to go. I was all I want to know is how long you do this for. She goes on to tell me the whole process lol, yea ok I must be totally stupid lol. That's her way though!

THEN!!! She wants to know when we are coming to get Mae and mine's presents. I was like we aren't, I didn't get anything for anyone else, I don't expect gifts. Well I have them here, Ok so take them back. When are you coming to get them. When will you be in town next. No you need to come to the house to get them.

That's the back n forth conversation with my mother! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomg seriously!!! Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, and yes, I'll even miss her when shes's gone. But I just wanted to know how long to turn the cheese on for!

Next weekend we will be going to my mom's so Mae can have her christmas down there. Ok so it's not a horrible horrible thing. BUT You KNOW that eventually the text message will have to be discussed and there we will be at my mom's house in the wild, in no mans land, Where the body(mine) can be hidden!! Lovely lol..oh well...it's ok. I'm a selfish bitch, I want Mae to have the camera my mom got her. Plus like I said, I love my mom.

THEN THEN THEN!!! Because I'm such a "fuckUp", who has no manners, no class, no couth, no insert your word here, I do the right thing! I say to my mom, Thank you for having Katie come up, I know that someone had to have talked to her about it and I figure that was you, so thank you I appreciate it.

I NO LONGER HAVE TO CHOSE TO BELIEVE!!!! My mom told me that it wasn't her. That Katie knew they were going into town and she WANTED to come see us! She may not have wanted to stay the night, I'm all good with that! BUT she did want to come see us. DID YOU HEAR ME!!! SHE WANTED TO!!

I have been told over and over and over and OVER that Katie doesn't want to see me, she doesn't want to talk to me. Um...I think I may hear a bullshit in there somewhere. Because if she didn't want to see me why would she ask if she could come in???????

This whole Katie saga sucks for another reason, yes off topic digression, because I don't think she truly knows how much we want to spend time with her. Everytime I have said something to her about how we want her around and love and miss her, she looks at me like I'm lying. Like she didn't know it. That she doesn't/can't believe it. I really wonder what has been said to her. Because I'm really thinking it's not the reality.

BUT Katie came to see us because she wanted to. She wasn't forced, she wasn't coerced, She just wanted to!!

My Christmas has turned out better then it should have, and my New Years Eve is working it's way to a good time.

Happy New Year everyone, may the new year bring you no more than you can handle!

It's been 2 days of work! I need to figure out how to not do so much work at work lol. I did a lot of work!

Here's my thing about getting the cleaning done at work...Just fucking do it! Fuck Nike, because my Nikes are shot lol, it's about just doing it!

Here's what we have to do! Sweep the store, mop the floor, sweep behind the counter/mop, dishes, dishes, dishes!,vacum, tear paper, tear apart/clean/re-assemble the slicer, change all garbages, make sure brownies are cut, put all the food away, clean tables...Are you noticing a pattern here?

Besides making sandwhiches and trying to hustle tips, we do ALL the cleaning! Yea they sweep behind the counter, change garbage, and yes they do the slicer. BUT we have to clean everything. It's a lot of crap work!

It's all the "housework" that NOONE likes to do! What's the best way to get the "housework" done? Just Fucking Do It! That means, get off your ass and bust it out! There are other "chores" that I didn't put on the list because there's a lot of little things.

But we do all that and doing your closing work while customers are still coming in SUCKS!

I could sit on my ass, but ya know, I want to be out of there as soon as I can once that clocks hits 10!

I do alot of the grunt work. I'm getting burnt out on it and will need to bust some dishes on Saturday. You can divide the work up any way you want, but it is just way easier for me to do it. I know that makes me sound like the "Bitch" at work, but hey, unlike her, I can go with the flow if it isn't going my way, the way I want, or would like it to be.

I don't know why it takes some of these girls so long to sweep and mop a freaking floor! It's not that hard. Insert broom under table and pull back thrust back under table, pull back... lather, rinse, repeat! Mopping...grab mop, wet mop, wring mop, use mop in a back and forth pattern removing dirt. It's not hard, rocket science, or brain surgery! It is a job that if you just fucking do it, gets done and is over with.

Getting up to get a pop? Clean a table on the way, clean the sneeze guard, fill this that and this.

It's not hard and I guess maybe I just want to be able to say hey, its my turn to do dishes. But the problem with that is, the other people are still out doing the lobby while I'm ready to get the table broken down and the dishes going. SOOOOOO instead of just doing dishes, I end up, a lot of the times, doing all the dishes and breaking down until they get done. It's frustrating, which is why I don't wash a lot of dishes.

Tonight the Boss's daughter was just leaning on the counter texting. I was out in the lobby sweeping or something. I was like ya know the condiments can be done. She looked at me like I was nuts. She didn't want to do them , and we had a word, but she did them lol. Bitched the whole time, but did them. You have to get on her or she won't do anything. I don't help anything by doing all the lobby stuff, or as much of it as I can. She likes to stock chips, woo.. have at it lol I don't like to do chips lol. So to make up for it, I'm mean, and make sure she doesn't get a break during the dishes lol.

THOUGH!! If she was honest she would tell you it's a good thing because then we are out of there at like 1002 lol.

Life comes down to this...Just fucking do it. LOL

Spent Monday with Katie and truely enjoyed the time. It was short, but it was way better than nothing!

Then I got to see her again yesterday, for like an hour, but it was still time spent with her. Dad was nice and drove up to my work so I could give Katie a sandwhich and my mom was the UB and when I waved outside everyone but her waved back. Way to go mom! All because I didn't want to go out before 2pm. Oh yea and your other daughter is a psycho cunt from hell!

Work kind of sucked! First they wanted me in early. No I wanted to spend time with my Uncle and then hey there was Katie. I would have missed seeing her if I'd have gone in. Then there were drama issues at work. God!! I didn't want to work with who I worked with when I heard issues. But I sucked it up and did it.

Now I'm going into work early AGAIN today! Seriously...if for whatever reason you can not work the shift with all those hours, Um do ME a favor, give it up and let me slide into that place! Seriously..you ripped off a wiper blade this morning and have to leave early. WTFE!! NOT MY PROBLEM! Maaan do you know how many days I don't want to go to work, BUT GO! Do you know how many excuses I could make up, I don't! Grrr sometimes I just hate work!

Then Sunday I was at my friends house who has the ex as my roommate. Maaaaaaaaan! I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to take before I blow the fuck up! Seriously! How hard is it to figure out that I don't remember everything you do. It was like 14 years ago 14YEARS AGO! That I was your girlfriend. I have had a lot of life in those years.

I'm sorry he wasn't a significant ex. Except for he was the first one to ever hit me. I was more interested in the fact that you had an id that said 21. I'm sorry that it was way more for you then it was for me. Oh wait a minute! It was supposed to be like that for me. I was really young and it just wasn't the same thing for me as you. I needed a place that wasn't home, I needed a place I could pretend to be a grown up. It wasn't the place I was going to stay for the rest of my life.

I'm tired of the innuendos. I'm tired of all the bullshit! There are reasons that we didn't last. Just be greatful I even talk to you at all!!!

So that brings me to NYE! Yayyy that's tomorrow! AND my Uncle loves me o soo much! He bought me a bottle of Kettle 1~ Mmmm yay me! So were doing the house party with the kids at my friends house. I am sooo hoping that the ex goes to Kansas City. Would make for a much better party! No ickiness!

The year has gone way to fast. The next thing I'll be celebrating is Mae's 4th birthday! Ooo where did the time go!

My neck is killing me and so is my back. I think when I brought Mae in tonight I pulled something lol. That girl is too big for me to carry. Guess I'll never be getting a job that requires me to move more than 50 lbs repeatedly lol.

Ok so I'm just going to complain about how my neck and head and back hurts. I'm going to complain about how when I do get into bed, it's not going to be much better lol.

I want to blog but I don't have it in me to blog lol. I'm tired! I feel like I've been put through the wringer.

I'm going to hope that it made a difference and it was seen for the truth it is.

Here's to feeling kind of crappy but not so crappy.

Survivor is over for the moment. They have already teased us with the next one. Villans and Heros or whatever it is. Anyways! So I'm reading People and there is an article about Russell.

I think he should have won, he was the best player ever. Well at the end of the article are people's opinions. There are some who are like bring him back for the allstars or whatever is next.

I personally do not see how you could bring him back for an all stars event. Where do you go with your strategy from this last one? Who is ever EVER going to believe a word he says. Who would be going home first because of how well he can play the game.

Mann I don't want to see him get voted off first lol. Though that would make a whole lot of people feel better. So you know they will probably bring him back.

It will be very interesting to see if anyone would try to go along with Russell.

I don't know, I was just reading and had to share lol.

Figured out how I'm paying the kid's dad back. Pack of smokes and some "good" groceries. He truely saved my ass.

I had ZERO hope of seeing Katie this Christmas. I never once allowed the thought of Katie coming up here into my head. Why would I? They leave on Sunday and they weren't coming into Waterloo.

I'm choosing to believe that Katie decided on her own to come up here. That she wasn't prodded and poked, helped along. I really am going to choose to believe that we are some how important in even the smallest way and she wanted to see us.

With his 20 bucks, my 3 dolla's and change in the bank, and the tip money I found in my wallet I was able to get Katie two presents. I thought Mae was going to have to forget a trip on the Carousel but I had change in my purse too. The calendar was half off and Spencer's had a Edward puzzle.

Yay! Katie has presents under our tree. They should have been there all along, but if they weren't going to give the gifts I bought, well I was getting Mae something else!!

Yayyy Katie will be here in like a bit less than 9 hours!

Here's to Christmas wishes coming true!

Ok, so I usually only talk shit about the kid's dad. That's because I blog angry. That's because this is my place to vent. That's because I don't have contact with him. THOUGH he can be a really decent guy at times. Today is one of those times.

He is totally saving my ass! Because of the holiday and no child support this week, I'm broke! He is the only one I know who has any cash because he got paid this week. With all the shit that is going on with Christmas I didn't buy Katie her present. I bought Mae something else!

I get a call this morning from my Uncle telling me my gramps wants to talk to me. Then my Katie wants to talk to me. She wants to know if it's ok to come see us. Um DUH!! I told her we always want to see her and that we were looking forward to it.

Now I need to get her the present! The kid's dad said to consider the 20 bucks a Christmas Gift. Um thanks, and we'll see about it lol. I'm going to do my best to get him that money back asap. That way were square.

Sometimes even the ones you hate can help. But I think that's only true if there is a connection. Our connection is Mae. He also knows all the bullshit that has gone on concerning Katie and my sister.

So now it's off to the mall to pick up her present. FUCK I had to borrow Christmas money, BUT I get to see Katie!!!!!!

This was just too cute to not put on my blog. There's sound, but I can't remember if it's funny or not lol. I don't put very many pictures of Mae on my blog due to the ever present..well never mind. I just don't put pics up of Mae often that aren't locked down to everyone but those I consider friend. If your a facebook follower then you have already seen this lol.

I think I watched too much A Christmas Story this year lol. Poor Mae lol but once she was up again she was ready to go!

Remember when it was about eating the snow, NOT shoveling it lol. Even though we have someone who comes and plows us out, I shoveled today. Why should we pay for him to plow it when I was more than capable of clearing the snow we just got. Some snow I won't attempt, but this! Seriously, it would have been a waste. It was only a couple inches and it was soft snow. Easy to move and I didn't kill myself. It just sucks shoveling lol.

Mae on the other hand had a blast outside. Too bad we had to fight about coming inside lol. After I shoveled I was ready to come in. As you saw lol I had Mae bundled up good, but by the time I was done her face was all red. I think that also had something to do with the eating of the snow lol.

I've been pretty productive so far this morning. I got the drive done, a load of laundry in, and just have to pick up the living room and kitchen again. I'm sick of the damn vaccum! But someone has to do it and someone is named Heather lol

Here's to productivity, procrastination, and laughing because kids are so funny!

Sometimes I do the right thing. My mom, before the fight, was on me about getting the kid's dad a present from her for Christmas. You have no idea how hard I have worked to put as much distance between him and I as humanly possible. I did NOT want to get him a present. I am tired of doing the right thing where he is concerned considering the shit I have had to put up with. My mom said you can never get tired of doing the right thing. Yes you can! I reached that point.

The relationship is so bad between him and I that if I could always get someone else to drop her off and pick her up I WOULD! It truly is only a matter of minutes that we can be in the same room together. That's all on my end, I don't know how it is for him. I don't even care to know.

BUT sometimes in life you don't have any choice but to do the right thing. Yes, I bought the guy a present from Ryder. I also gave him one of those snack boxes I bought, and sent along dinner I made tonight. Yes, I know...but sometimes even I can do nice things! AND without wanting something in return lol.

I had run up to the gas station the other day and decided to look at their "gifts". I am one of those people who does NOT look down on gas station presents. I think some of it, not all and not a lot, but some of it is pretty cool. I get suckered into buying Mae the stuffed animals. If only they made them to where I didn't think they were cool lol. I digress.

As I looked at the shelves, I looked right up into the perfect present from a little girl to her daddy. There was no fighting the feeling I had when I saw this small gift. I also believe it's the small things. I would have known I had done the wrong thing if I wouldn't have bought that gift. It was that kind of pull.

All it is, is a square crystal type thing with the words I love my daddy on it. Mae really does love her daddy. I know this, the world knows this. All week long she has been coming up to me and asking to see her daddy's present. Telling me that's for her daddy. Ask her if she loves her daddy and she would/will always say; as she nods her head, I love my daddy!

I don't know if he had already gotten me a gift before I told him the change of plans and that there would be gifts or not. I don't want to know. I'm just going to go with the fact that he was nice enough and got me presents too. AND they were good presents, unlike last years zombie head that he said was a gag gift. He said it was his family's thing, ooook, I'll pass lol.

This year I scored! Made way up for the zombie head. I like zombies, but um, not enough to collect a head lol. Anyways, I know I know stay on topic! This year I got one of those cases with the soap and puffy scrubbies. I'm trying to figure out what these bath thingies are. Lucky Mae she gets to find out lol.

The bestest bestest was I got smelly things!! He gave me two candles. AND they don't smell bad. I don't know what the one called home smells like. It's a cross, to me, of a lot of different candles I've smelled before. Then the strawberry shortcake one...mmmm!

He did really great for presents this year! I really appreciate it! Yes, I'll even be good enough to tell him IN PERSON that I appreciated them and that I really did/do like them.

Here's to a Merry Christmas and for a change good surprises.

It's bed time here and you know that means a fight. I am soo very tired of the routine and then the i have to go potty i have to go potty. Starting Sunday when she comes back from her dad's house we are THROUGH WITH IT! I'm tired of being afraid of the pee. I'm also tired of 30 trips to the potty with no success other than irritating me.

That was the most irritating thing about today. Not to bad if you ask me! Figured out at the last possible minute that I A. Had no stocking for Mae. B. That the tape I bought the other day, magically didn't make it to my house. I had put Mae down for a nap and was going to wrap the last few presents I had for her and then the no tape!

This required a trip to the DG. That was fun! No stockings, no tape, no nothing EXCEPT....SANTA CLAUS!! One of their employees was dresssed up as Santa and when we walked in boomed HoHoHo Merry Christmas. Asked Mae if she was a good girl and gave her a candy cane. Boooy she was happy about seeing Santa. Then proceeded to act like a hellion when we got home lol.

I did get lucky! I found the very last roll of tape they had. The big burly guy had to buy the pop up tape. He looked a big confuzzled by this but NOONE wanted to go to WalMart lol. Hell I saw my cousin there lol and she didn't want to go to WM lol. So I ended up getting a Santa hat and I'm filling that. I can't believe I forgot her stocking! Bad mama bad mama!

We watched GForce together. Not really that great a movie. I was going to buy it for her, but after renting it..No Way! Now its time for 24 Hours of A Christmas Story. Ahh my favorite marathon. It's the one show I can turn on and no matter where its at, I'm happy camping.

I also have a variety of movies to watch. I think I may put the Brittany Murphy movie in. I've already watched my Family Guy, now I have to choose between Brad and Johnny...it's a toss up. Either way I'm pretty sure I'll be falling asleep lol.

Merry Christmas to everyone! May your day be special and your coming year be filled with nothing more than you can handle.

This fight with my mother has now reached beyond the heights of ridiculous. It is just so stupid the things that have happened. My not going to Christmas...IS NO BIG FUCKING DEAL! It will not be the first holiday I have not attended. I'm sorry that I wasn't going anywhere today until a certain time because I have to watch my gas. I wanted to do it all at the same damn time.

I wasn't going to take any of the crap that I have to take from my family. I'm so over taking crap! So in standing up for myself and my holiday. Because yes it is my holiday too. I took charge of my holiday and am placing myself in an environment that won't be strained or have any underlying hostility waiting to erupt.

Then I get the lovely text message from my sister. It's very nice to know that I'm not the only one who was shocked by its content and the message it clearly sent.

The absolute best part, THE BEST PART of this is that my mother, like others before her, called my friend and EXPECTED that she would take my mother's side. What is it that people don't seem to understand about the relationships I have with my friends? Despite what has happened with a very very small amount of people, I make lasting relationships. I may not be as involved as I once was, but I'm still talking to people I met when I first got online.

Then...THEN!! Not only did she expect my friend to help her out with this situation. THEN my mother, who is going to be 60 in two years, decided to try to play some bullshit game on FB. They keep accusing me of not acting my age, and then go and pull that shit? WTF?? Are we 12? Didn't I already go through this once with someone else? Now my mother is playing a stupid stupid game! It's a game I know how to play! It's a game that can inflict a lot of pain and let out a lot of secrets. I am soo like my mother it's unreal, why would you want to play with me? Why would you set out bait? Oh yea..so you can say see I was right as I happily take the bait and fly off the handle.

HELLO...am I the only one listening when I say I've changed? That I'm not out here trying to play some game. I'm not out here trying to see what I can get from someone. I'm not out here to do anything but live my life and have as good a time as I can while raising Mae. It's not that difficult to understand. For the life of me I don't know why it bothers my mother so much that I would rather not be in a situation that I have to work at controlling myself and worry about slipping and I would rather stay home away from it. I don't think that's a bad thing. Why should I ruin the day? It's not just my day.

So anyways she said on FB to my friend Brigitte(who I'm eating with for Christmas) Thanks for all your help yesterday. Wouldnt count on a pecan pie until it walks in the door. It might not make it like the promised dips.

Seriously?? You want to play that fucking game! My friend tried to stop it there and was like i didnt know why it escalated, sorry, hope it goes well.

You know I had to put my two cents in! And this time I took a moment to think before I worded my wonderful answer. *Shakes my head* And I'm accused of not acting my age.~ Then I went on about being afraid of the pie and blah blah. Saying nothing other than that one line. Now the conversation is onto when to make a freaking turkey lol.

What the hell is going on in Heatherland?? BUT I did the right thing. I offered Mae to her dad for Christmas. Told him not to change any plans he had made because I wasn't out to screw his plans up. I was only letting him know that if he wanted she was available.

I'm really really wondering how many years it is going to take before everyone in my life and on the fringes of my life understands and realizes that while some times I revert to old patterns and behaviors, but it's very infrequent. I have said it once and I'll say it again. I have made changes in my life that make me a better person. I am not responsible for whatever motive you think I have in the change in my actions. It's like sometimes I swear to god I'm being poked with a stick just to see if I will react. I know it's not the right thing to react. So I work very hard at not reacting! You can only be poked so many times though before you have to turn around and snap. It's that, blow up or some other form of horrific nastiness.

I guess I'm just going to continue to go with the opinions my friend's have about me. Yes, I have flaws and issues like the next person, but they aren't as bad as some would like them to be!

Ps.

Did I mention the fact that we have some bad weather up here. I had gone out earlier and scraped the first layer of ice off my back window. So I called my mother to tell her to be careful on her way into town, she lives an hour away, for work because I had just taken off that layer of ice. Then Theres that nice lil note on FB. So as the fuck up I was considerate of my mother, and also! When Grandpa thought it was a good idea for him to drive to his girlfriends who was the one who came up with a plan to get him there so he wasn't out driving in this crap! Yea I'm a fuck up all right! Oh and did I forget to mention for her to use her computer at home, which she did, she had to go to the closed off end of her house which is 50 degrees or lower. So she not only took time to try to do whatever, but she froze her ass off doing it. La la la la...Seriously!

I am so done with this day! The only thing that makes it better is that today I havn't recieved any nasty unwanted, pos texts. I have however moved WalMart to almost the top of my shit list!

OMG seriously?? Site to store stuff you have to make sure you keep your email info. Or you can't return things! And just because at 930 in the AM you upload your pictures for the hour developing and get a CONFIRMATION email stating they will be ready at 1037AM don't expect them.

It was going on 3 PM when I went to get my pictures. They had NOTHING. They looked and looked. Finally a guy was like let me look on the computer. Oh we can put you next in line but you have to wait for these pictures to finish. I fucking lost it!! Not only were my pictures not ready when i walked up to the counter another lady was having issues with her pictures. She shopped for her hour and came back to her pictures just sitting next to the register NOT HAVING MOVED from when she set them there.

Seriously...i love WalMart but how can you be so fucking stupid at CHRISTMAS!! Did you have to hire every moron that walked in and didn't have his thumb jammed up his ass???

Frustration...Frustration!!

HyVee saved the day! They were way nice. They were busy and crowded and all that nasty crap, but they were nice! I even told 2 random employees how greatful i was that they were nice. I had a horrible walmart experience, where i walked out and left the cart, and here it was like heaven. The guy in the meat department, who seemed a lil slow but was way nice and i dont know, i want one of him when i get angry next time lol, stopped what he was doing and came over to help me out. He didn't wait for someone else, he wasnt all put out. He was just really nice!!

Tonight were having fancy dinner. When stressed...I eat lol. Well I may have bought a couple treats lol. Part stress/emotional, part because i hadnt eaten yet lol. We are having smoked salmon dip with crackers as an appetizer, chicken cordon bleu and twice baked potatos for supper! I think it sounds fabulous.

And after the crap day and a half i had, i want something a bit fab and fancy.

Luckily i was able to get all this accomplished without Mae. Brigitte called me and asked for a trade today lol. I watch her daycare kids and she went to the store. She came back and she watched Mae and i went to the store lol I love trading!

Ok so i have to get to dinner and a movie. Ahhh brad, johnny, peter griffin...im a happy girl

Mae will be visiting her dad this Christmas after all. I was offered to go with my friend home for Christmas, but as I had already emailed him, I didn't think it would be real fair or nice, and would be some what cruel to take it back. So Mae will go to her dad's Christmas night after he gets off work!

We are going to go to my friend Brigitte's for Christmas lunch. Now I'm making some kind of screwed up pecan pie. Last years didn't turn out so hot lol, but I'm willing to try again.

I had a real rough night and not so better morning. I'm close to tears, and I just want them to stop. I want to be able to be such a cold hearted bitch that I can forget about the child I had. The child Ilove, the child the child the child!

These feelings are why I don't just cut off the kids dad from her. I know how it feels! I am not above, like I've said before, having conseuences for your actions. I don't take lightly the fact that a person will tell you Maybe you will get your child back after a visitation. I don't deal with that! I will protect mine. But in this case, I havn't done anything except pine and whine for my child.

I'm so tired of this struggle. I'm so tired of being told how horrible a person I am. I am so tired of all the bullshit! I am soo tired of my sister being the right one even when she is horribly wrong. I wouldn't ever try to turn a child against their parent, though god knows i have wanted to. I don't think it's right that mine has been turned against me. If I was truly like her father, then I would have stopped all contact. I wouldn't be struggling to be with her.

Poor Mae has to take the place of both my daughters. I smother her with all the love I can, even if some of it is for her sister. I look at Mae and I am greatful that I am the parent I am to her and that she is here.

One day...god like everyone keeps saying, One day...I hope that Katie will want to hear the other side of the story! If she doesn't, well then I guess my sister got her way... Me out of the picture totally!

My mom and I are fighting. I am no longer going for Christmas. I have also been uninvited from the February party. This is the text I got, that started the last blog, from my sister who wasnt even involved in the fight, till this:

Can you do me a favor and either text or call Katie and provide her with this info. It gets really old having to tell her how much of a fuck up you are. Not that she cant tell that on her own already. Way to take advantage of Viking Plumbing. Get over yourself and grow up. By the way is this going to be like Thanksgiving. I bet it is. You should try to prove me wrong. Please lose my number and katie's Just like kelvin she is better off without you. Gpa is getting older better do something fast. See ya in the papers. Peace.

Ok so I guess I didn't realize my child was better off without me. Though it does prove 2 things. 1. She(my sister) does want me out of the picture, like i already thought. 2. She has been bad mouthing me to my child. I may blog a lot of shit about Mae's dad, but I DO NOT do it in front of her!

I dont know wtf she is talking about with Thanksgiving. I yelled at katie because after 4 times of not answering or mumbling an unintelligble answer. I took Katie, my nephew and my mom out for lunch. We saw a movie. WTF did i do at Thanksgiving? Oh wait, I helped out, I didn't run off and leave my mother to watch the kids....What did i do?

Im so upset its unreal. It really makes me think that Katie doesn't know that i have been trying to see her, that ive been trying to visit her, that i have been trying!! And to say she is better off without me...maybe i should tell her that im glad she lost that baby she did. Maybe i should have just punched her in the face and told her she was just the bitch raising my daughter.

I didn't see my daughter alone for 3 1/2 YEARS! I couldnt even go to the goddamn store alone with her. I havent done or said anything in so long its unreal. But I am held accountable for every last single solitary thing.

Now they want me out of Grandpas house. Well what they dont understand is that i have been looking for a better job. I just havnt been hired or gotten interviews. I told Grandpa i would do my best to be out of here by the end of March. He wanted to know who said i had to leave. I told him the truth mom and my sister. So Im going to have to kick it up into high gear and find something even if i have to work 3 or 4 part time jobs to make ends meet. Mae will suffer but i wont be whatever the hell it is they think i am.

I do so much for my grandpa. I am with him all the damn time. My sister sees him maybe 6 times a year. MAYBE!! She never calls him unless its to ask for something(money). Mom threw a fucking fit when I told her how hard it was for me to take Grandpa and Mae to his appointments. So she takes him to those. EVERYTHING else! I do! I cook, clean, pay attention to him, order his medicines, pick the meds up, do my best to keep gramps off the road. And im the fucked up one.

This hurts so fucking bad because I DIDNT DO ANYTHING!!! I believe in consequences for my actions, but i and my friends just cant figure out what I did to deserve that text. And to have my daughter taken away. She left me another text after i sent the text saying i would just forward her text to Katie. I got back : Please stop texting and calling me or my family. This is the second time ive asked you there will not be a third I hope I have made myself clear. This is it.

What the hell did i do?? Why cant i figure out what i did? Hell my mom went so far as to say something about doing nice things to get something nice back. Um hello...i told her you dont do nice things to get something back. You do nice things because theyre nice.

Hell tonight i cleaned off my car, my coworkers car, and the other business's car. Why? Did i want something? Did i desire something? No I did it because I was going out there. And if i was doing mine why not do the 2 that were there?

Im just so hurt and upset and i dont understand. I dont know how much more trying I can do. Hell Mae just asked what was wrong. I said my heart hurts. She goes Ooo no, Im sorry it hurts you!

I have 2 kids! Why cant i be with both of my kids. I never beat my child, i never neglected my child, i didnt do any of those things you do to lose your kids. But i feel like im being treated like that. Hell ive never not let Mae's dad see her out of spitefulness or vindicitveness. Always the result of direct actions. Well if i had done something i could deal, I just cant deal.

So now when taxes come I will be making sure Mae gets her own big big girl bed. Nothing wrong with sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Ive done it before. Mae will just think its a big adventure. Who knows maybe my mom wont be such a bitch and let me keep using her toddler bed until tax time. So come on tax time, I can buy Mae a bed, and I can make sure that my mother gets the money for the tires that were supposed to be a present for Christmas!

Here's to healing broken hearts!

Mae no longer has a bed. She is sleeping on the floor. My sister says I took advantage of the christmas programs. Funny I didnt realize that i had a lot of money. My sister also told me that she tells my daughter im a fuck up. Im so fucking done!

All because im sick and didnt want to go the fuck outside until i had to tomorrow. Tomorrow is my day off, i needed to get my paycheck and i needed to finish christmas shopping, which was 2 fucking things. a lipstick for my mom and a calander for katie.

I bought a present with my bonuse. i bought my niece and nephew one present each and i bought ryder 2 presents each. its what i had the money for after bills. I went in on a dvd with my mom and didnt get the money for that because part of that money was supposed to buy my dad a present.

I did not have money! And now Im supposed to call my daughter and tell her im a fuck up that im this im that.

FUCK THIS BULLSHIT!! I am not as bad as they think i am. I dont do anything. I leave them all the fuck alone. I have had to deal with the katie issue for 7 almsot 8 years now. And now i can see i had reason to worry. My sisters text said it all they tell katie im a fuck up. Im not a fuck up.

Im doing the fucking best i can. They think i sit here all day and never put job aps in. I have been putting job aps in for months. the first interview i get i get denied. Because of some bullshit my ex husband did i cant get a job in my field.

If im so goddamn horrible and such a fuck up why do i even bother trying. I keep trying and trying and trying, but its never good enough.

my mom had to nerve to say to me that you do nice things so people will do them for you. Um no you dont you do nice things because its the thing to do not so you can get something out of it!

i cant type im bawling to bad!

Dawn has already been warned that this blog isn't for her to read until she watches Survivor. Yes, I am that conceited, but at the same time; sort of respectful, if not mindful of my friends. I know I hate it when a show is spoiled for me because I read something I shouldn't have. So Dawn got a couple text tonight letting her know to avoid my blog. I'm hoping that I've typed enough here so that my actual blog isn't showing up on the page you can see a snippet at.

I knew Russell wasn't going to win. I really think he should have. He did all the work. He was the snake. He admitted to being the snake. So they choose the person who rode coattails the whole game. Natalie, seriously? Well hey someone had to win.

It was a great Survivor especially since it was the underdogs sitting as the final 3. I have been waiting for someone to come in and play the game like Russell did. This game is all about being unethical, lying, scheming. It's a game designed to bring the worst out in people. It surprises me that people were'nt cheering Russell on because he played it that way. The way we all secretly hoped someone would.

I think that Russell was very lucky at the end there. He had gotten so cocky that even though I loved him, man I really just wanted to slap him upside the head grandma style. You know that grandma whap upside the head. I don't know if there was anything he could have said to win over the jury. He fucked them all and I wasn't surprised to see Shambo vote for him. He may not have won the million, but the fans did vote him the 100,000 dollar fan favorite. Something is better than nothing.

That girl..man she was a fan of the Russ man. She has some crazy ass hair, that man I don't know how she didn't listen to people and change it. But she seems like a great person. I loved how she just said to build people up not tear them down. That's a strong woman. I'm glad she doesn't seem to hold bitterness.

It was a great season of Survivor. I'm hoping that the next season isn't boring compared to this one. I can't wait to see who the cast will be. I'm wondering if we will see Rupert as a hero and Johnny Fairplay back....have to wait and see!

Here's to the next season!

Christmas has arrived at our house. Sheila from the company that adopted our family delivered gifts today. We have a table full of gifts to add to the gifts that I bought for Mae. Now she has a full Christmas Tree.

This morning I got up and wrapped 3 presents and put them under the tree. Ooooo PRESENTS~~ Mama theres presents for me. That's when I took Mae by the hand and told her we don't touch the presents til Christmas. If you get into them Mommy will spank you. I asked her are you supposed to touch the presents. No. What will happen if you do. Mama spank me.

I thought we had an understanding lol. A trip to the bathroom later...you guess it. She had started trying to unwrap presents. I smacked her hand and took the presents away. Ooo she cried! Bring back my presents. You can't do that. Mama!!

Well the presents will now be in granpa's room until Christmas. I really don't want to have to wrap them again and spank Mae.

Sheila also had a sack of toys that Mae could play with now. Some lady had them and sent them along. That sack is a lifesaver! It's got a wiggles(i think) play guitar that sings, 2 my little pony's, and best of all...an electronic book. Mae loves it!

Here's to the generosity and kindness in others!

I have a visitor in my bed. I really really REALLY do not like the visitor in my bed! Though the visitor is soft on the inside, the outside is really rather hard and has rough edges. I really hate that box of kleenex!

It seems that I have picked up the wonderful cold that is going around! I'm pretty sure I got it because of the change in temperature, working with the public, and my mom's house was freezing the night we stayed there.

I tried to kill it with vodka last night. That didn't happen. All that happened was I delayed the first full day of it. Yay me!

Got home this morning around 6:30 and went back to bed with my visitor. I got up to use the bathroom and figured if I was going to be sick I would be much happier in my house lol. Found out I was lucky I hadn't had to use the bathroom one last time last night. My friend said he would have snagged the bed lol. Nooooooo I'm the girl, I get the bed and a door when the kid is gone lol. Lucky for me, I didn't get up lol.

I spent the day in bed sleeping and blowing my nose. Sneezing and trying to just relax since I had to work tonight.

It was soooooooo dead! The only thing I didn't do tonight was right down the number of transactions we had done. It wasn't a lot. We made 2 dollars tonight in tips. Yeah, that sucked. Especially when I felt crappy. I screwed up the time again tonight. This time though I did it by 2 hours.

I don't know what that was about lol. We were out of there by 10:05, done by 10:02 lol. Picked Mae up after. Maaan that girl is dead weight when she is out. I had to carry her big behind inside. I was smart though lol I took her boots off before I brought her inside. Made it easier to get her into bed.

I had my living room cleaned but the kids kind of destroyed it. Have to get that picked up and vaccumed again. Tomorrow we are getting the gifts from the company that adopted our family. I'm hoping that I'll have enough out of my check to get her one more gift. I really want to get her...well I'll save that one for me lol.

I'm way tired, I'm way grouchy, I'm all stuffed up, and I don't want to be Down With The Sickness anymore!!

Here's to a return to good health quickly!

You know how I said K was part of the clan now? LOL it's pretty much official as of yesterday.

This week at work I had 4 shifts. Waiting to go to the 4th here in a few hours. Well Friday was the day off between 3 of the days. I did not get a lot of down time on my day off lol. I had to take my car into Blaine's to get tires and brakes. That was the butt crack of early! Take my mom to work, and then pick her back up, then home to get grandpa and take him to a dr's appointment. I ran all freaking day yesterday!

Mom was picking up the coat yesterday and with everything going on, wasn't sure if she was going to get the coat or not. She did! She told me when she was getting the coat that they had had some hat and glove sets. So when she told me there was something extra in the bag, I ASSUMED that is what was in the bag.

Nope! My mom outdid herself again! Not only was there this fabulous reversible coat for Sidney, there was two little gifts for her. Some play princess jewelry and some crayola thing. BUT there was also a really really nice reddish burgandy colored sweater with a hood on it. K saw it and this is what cemented her part in the family. I LOVE IT!

I love it is the cry of the females in my family. Mom and Mae both...I LOVE IT! We hear it constantly. It covers everything!! Food, shoes, tv, people...they Love IT! Well K did it the exact same way, so yea she put herself into the family firmly lol.

She looks really good in it and she said that she doesn't have any of the long sleeved shirts that are nice. I know all about that one! Mom said she didn't know if it would fit because she said I think shes kind of skinny. Um yea she's kind of skinny lol. But it fit beautifully. I told K that when mom walked past it on the rack it must have just screamed K at her.

I should have known there was something other than a hat and glove set when she said "Don't worry about the price on the tags, it was all on sale and coupons, and Kohl's cash." So I was surprised along with K.

I have the greatest mom. Even though she drives me to the brink of insanity lol.

Here's to the small things that mean so much!

So I want to do a Survivor blog, but I can't. I am so important, in my own mind lol, that I can't do it because I don't know when Dawn checks blogger lol. I know she dvr's it and I know she reads my blog. BUT I'll be good and wait to do my Survivor blog. That or forget all about it and this is my Survivor blog lol.

I still have to say, I love Russell! I think he is what the producers were waiting for. If he is anything in person like on the show, No..He wouldn't be my first choice to hang out with. I'd drink a beer next to him in the bar, but I don't know if I could deal with him at my house lol.

I think he is playing a great game. I don't think he will win, but he sure did play an awesome game!

I want to see the reunion show and see what Natalie has to say about him. He wasn't real nice about the ladies in the first few show. Ok so maybe more than the first few shows. I can't help it, I really like Russell lol.

Saved by the phone! That's my blog.

Yes, it's blog night for me. I came here first to see if I had blogged about my mom. I didn't so I blogged. I did have a topic to blog about and got that one done. Then there was this one stuck up in my head lol. Wooo a blog o thon of sorts.

I make friends with the strangest people sometimes I swear. The chick I blogged about from work, yea...I'm friends with her. Tonight pretty much cemented that one. You know that your friends with someone when they call you bitch, as your fucking around, trying to get the check list done. I swear... I did not set out to be friends with the person who gets talked about A LOT! Seriously...I'm Switzerland, but with a bite lol. I think she respects the fact that if I'm going to say anything about anyone, including her; I'm also going to look you in the face and tell you that I said whatever I said. Hell tonight she was even appreciative. I don't know why considering when I saw her Tuesday lol she told me I was mopping the lobby. Again, no big deal, I busted that out quick. AND was ahead of her doing the hot and cold tables. Which is what she wanted to avoid lol. BUT she did say thank you to me for doing it. Seriously...I think I'm one of a very small number of people she does that with.

Then even stranger! I'm now "friends" and facebook friends with...are you ready? The boss's daughter! She started out not shy, but real into her own thing and didn't say much. Yeah, not anymore lol. She's been Heatherfied lol. Now she talks to me, laughs with me, jokes with me, plays off my jokes. Hell last night we facebooked back and forth for a couple hours I think. If you ask people at work, they will tell you she doesnt talk. She looks like she has a stick ahem, and she doesn't smile a lot. Put her with me lol and she's always cracking up. She thinks I'm funny lol. I talk to her about everything, well almost, but enough. And it's kind of strange. Because yes she is her own person, BUT she is also the boss's daughter. I think that will be a balancing act at some point but until then I'm not going to worry about it. Hell, if I helped bring that girl out of her shell a bit, then great. Because she is going to need to learn to be a bit more social for when she gets out in the real world. Did I mention shes 18 lol.

I have a strange mix of friends. I figured at 34 I would be done adding to it. How wrong I'm turning out to be lol. I'll admit it's a pretty fun ride!

Here's to enjoying the company you're sometimes forced to keep

Seriously, I can't believe I forgot to blog about what my mom did for my girl K! When we were driving in from her house I told her how I'd passed along one of Mae's old coats.

Part of the zipper was broken but the coat is warm and you can still zip it. Mom bought Mae a great coat for winter. K had been trying to save money for a coat like that for Sidney. That money had to go towards the stuff I already blogged about.

Mom just up and asked if I wanted her to buy a coat for Sidney. She has the money right now, she has a coupon, she will end up getting Kohl's cash back for the purchase, she plans on using that for a hat n gloves for Sidney last I heard, and the important one...because she's been there and it's what you do if you can. Again the whole pay it forward.

I had no idea what to say. I wanted to just be all yes yes yes, thank you! thank you! thank you! But I just didn't know how to respond. I didn't know if it was something she wanted to do or if I had said something in a way that made her feel like she had to offer and didn't really want to do it.

Also would K want my mom to do that? You know that whole pride thing we have going on. I called K and told her what my mom had said and I could hear it in her voice the same questions I had had. Also, you know that lil hitch of emotion because someone is doing something nice for you.

My mom loves K. K is the keeper of the song list. My mom has a list of songs she wants played at her funeral. Well on mom's birthday, after the kiddo had gone to her dads, we all got together to party. Mom had K writing down these songs on a napkin. K is the keeper of the music! K is a part of the clan now lol.

Tomorrow Sidney will be the proud new owner of a black coat lined with leopard print fur. I can't wait to see the coat.

As much as I complain about my mother, she really is a great woman. There have been lots of people who have tried to cut me down by saying I'm just like my mother. From where I sit, there isn't anything wrong with being my mother, and I'll take it as a compliment.

She isn't doing this for any other reason than because she wants to, she can, she's been there, and someone helped her out once upon a time. Way back in the day, when $20 could be stretched a thousand ways, a woman gave her a lil help. Mom says she doesn't remember what she used the money on, but she was greatful. Someone who didn't have to do it, chose to do it and now mom is doing it.

Heres to all those people who matter!

It's no secret that I read a lot of blogs. I read blogs that are all about different things. I'm reading step-mom blogs, I'm reading my friends blogs, and I'm reading blogs on a site i joined.

Since joining that site I realized that I just don't have the time to devote to that part of my life. It would be wonderful to have that, but I just can't devote that much of my time to another person. Heck I couldn't even keep up with a group I'd joined and had to leave it. Eventually I will have the time to devote to *gasp* online group activity. Right now is not the time.

I've decided to live vicariously through others, it has it's advantages. Though I must admit it does leave me feeling a bit jealous. Anyways! I went to view the recent journals and I came across some drama.

Not a lot of drama, just someone being stupid. I have left a lot of comments on a lot of different peoples blogs. I have never said anything out of pure meanness. My comments always have to do with the blog at hand.

Well this one just ripped apart, in a way, this young girl for being with a much older man. All while stating she was tolerant of others and blah blah. I saw who wrote the offending post and because I felt no need to wade in the kiddie pool I said nothing.

My opinion however was that its real hard to throw stones when your 40+ yr old ass is hanging half naked out for the world to see. When your crouched and you have one of your tits just sagging out. The girl who was attacked is 19 and this chick is 40+. I saw the pictures of both of them and the older had some nerve.

How do you get to be 40+ years old and just still be a mean nasty bitch? Is it too much to ask that you find your happy place already and just deal with your own issues. But I think the 19yr old hit it on the head, the other was just having issues because she was jealous of many different things.

I personally know that I grow every day. I also know that if I get to my 40's and am as mean and hateful as that person, someone had better take me out to pasture!

Heres to learning to let go of all the hate and discontent in your life!

I find it incredibly crappy that some people will stay at a place til the minute they close. This is not the first job I've had where you practically have to run them off with a stick. This is the first time it's happened at this job.

I'm just a little irritated that people want to be at a store til the last minute they are opened. Do you really need to stay out with your kids, on a school night, eating out till 10. Don't these kids have school, Don't you realize its freezing outside. AND lol we want to go home! The quicker your out, the quicker we can finish.

Eh I'm just grumping about it. The night wasn't bad, just a lil frustrating at the end lol.

Here's to being nice to people who work late and NOT staying til the last minute lol

Last night was wonderful, except the hour drive home in the dark and the hour drive in this morning lol. Mom, grandpa and me all went to Mae's very first school concert!

We got there pretty early and I told mom, hey go get us some good seats. She said what are good seats. I said just go and you will figure it out! She did great! we were in the front row. We got there about 5:22 and the kids had to be in their rooms by 5:45. I'm sooo glad we were early!

By the time the program started it was standing room only and it was packed!!!

Of course I love my girl to be all pretty and dressed. I put her in her pink Christmas dress, you know the ones like santa, and a santa hat. Her teachers told me today that they couldn't leave until they found her hat because it was so cute!

I put video and pictures up on my facebook so if you're a follower there you can see it.

They laughed when Mae went and stomped during part of the song that they stomped to. Ohh it was great.

Her first concert was a success and the important people were there for her!

When I signed up for the Christmas assistance this year I was working 2 shifts a week. Child care and gas came out of my checks and out of child support came my phone and insurance bills. Leaving very little money left over. That's why I asked for help.

After asking for this help back in November, here comes December. December brings two girls at work going on maternity leave at the same time. I end up with 3 shifts a week. I was told I wasn't going to be getting 3 shifts, this was unexpected. This week I ended up with 4 shifts. Then the bonus.

Can you say hello Christmas! Since the bonus took care of half the people I had to buy for that leaves more money for Mae. Or does it?

If I was uncaring and unfeeling maybe. Since I'm not that means Mae gets two presents less. I figure that today at the assistance thing I was able to pick out a few really nice gifts for her. I even lucked out and was able to get her a doll that I didn't know she wanted, liked, or knew about until yesterday. I saw that doll and all but snatched it to put in my cart. Then Mae also has Christmas coming from the adopt a family program. She is getting a beautiful daybed from my mom and grandpa for Christmas. She has enough for Christmas now.

My girlfriend K is really struggling too. The only reason her and I have nice cars is because of taxes. Hell thats the only reason I have the internet, I pay for a year at tax time lol. But K has had some issues pop up. Her car, a window, and then some how she screwed up the electric bill. The only bill worse to mess up is the water bill. They will shut you off a minute after the hour the day your bill is late. All her money has now gone for her car and to pay the electric bill. She told me today that she has enough left to buy her two kids one gift each. She wasn't able to and couldn't afford to take time off work to sign up for Christmas assistance.

I felt horrible for her when she told me this. I know how hard she works to get by and maybe have something left over. I went out today and bought Sidney two presents to put under the tree. I wasn't asked to do it, I didn't do it to get something, I didn't do it for any other reason that it was right. I only have to buy a couple more presents and that I can do with next weeks whopper paycheck. Sidney deserves more than one present under her tree. K has been a good friend to me and I know she would do it for me.

I got to pay it forward like I've been hearing a lot of. I'm glad I can help, but it sucks that we are all in the position of being the court juggler. Not being selfish is really hard. I'm still going to get Mae another present along with the stuff I already bought her. Let me tell you Toys R Us sucks ass at Christmas. But I braved it and got her the bath toy she wanted.

Thank god we are almost back to worrying about regular bills and not extra money.

I think I need to go out and buy a lottery ticket! Yes, it has been that kind of day! One where surprises are a great thing!

It's Tuesday, meaning that it's payday! Well I was already excited about going to get my check because there would be last week's missing 6 hours on it. Well I get to work and there are two envelopes waiting. The first has my check in it and the second....drum roll...A Freaking Christmas Bonus!!!!

I have worked pleanty of jobs, and some of those jobs were even long term jobs. Never EVER in my 18 years of working have I ever gotten one. Now it wasn't a huge bonus. BUT it was a bonus..All 30 bucks of it!! Wahoo!!

Well, that was already spent lol. I had gotten a catalog in the mail, I don't know how they got my name. I'm glad they did! They have a 6 gift boxes of goodies for 36.99. Well this cataloge also came with a $10 off if you spend 25. Wahooo!! I can get people a gift for about $7 bucks each! Well with shipping it was 36.97, pretty darn good. Even if they gank ya on the shipping. 6.99 for the shipping and 2.99 for god knows what, but I needed cheap gifts, and I took the bait. Now to see if it gets here on time. Their shipping said if it was ordered by 9pm tonight it would be here. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

THEN!!!! I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some tights for Mae to go with her Christmas dress. Today is her Winter Concert. Her First EVER! Mom, grandpa and I are going. If your a facebook follower you will be able to see the pics and video that I take. I'll need to go through and delete some pictures first lol. Anyways!

The woman I blogged about last night works at WalMart. Well she was working still when I got there. I walked up to her and gave her a hug and said Its my favorite WalMart SCW girl!! AND AND AND!! This is where I decided I should have probably played the lotto. SHE APOLOGIZED for being crabby with me last night!! And that I was going to mop the floor thursday..big whup lol its something I always do lol.

The thing is, I have never heard her apologize to ANYONE! Wooo me!

It is a great day! Now to get myself showered, Mae a bath, dinner out of the oven, and all being ready by 5:30 when my mom picks us up. Ahhh the joys of the Christmas Season and all the joys it can bring.

Heres to buying lotto tickets lol

It was a lovely night at work! It started with a phone call asking if i was running late. Um no, its only 4. Yeaaa i was scheduled at 4 and I wrote down 5! Not good!

Then the girl who got off at 4 and I both thought the other was pissed. She figured out before I got there that I was irritated with Mae. When I realized I was late I hopped up and grabbed my shoes. Well Mae decided that this would be the best time to throw herself at me and my legs. Seriously, not a good thing. So I grouched at Mae while throwing our gear together.

Got to work and was like I am soo sorry! Here look at my schedule that I wrote down. I really thought I was in at 5. The girl wasn't mad at me, she just thought i was irritated and she was the one who should be irritated. You know how it is.

Then the person I worked with tonight, we had an issue. The issue was not mine! I was as accomodating as I could be. I wasn't upset, and I tried to explain it to her like she was 3, but I don't think she got it til we were at our cars.

I finally told her You're not used to people accomodating you and it not being an issue are you? She said no she wasn't.

Here's the deal at work. We have to clean the lobby, bathrooms, break down a hot and cold table, wrap meat, and clean a slicer. That includes sweeping, mopping, changing and taking out the garbages. Even a round with the vaccum cleaner.

Well the woman I worked with tonight is one of the women at work that they always have an issue with. She's the one who the first day I worked with her introduced herself as the bitch. Well tonight she felt like, and I'm assuming it's also from the last night she worked, she was doing all the hard labor.

I swept the bathrooms, half of the lobby, filled condiments, cleaned the sneezeguard, cleaned the reach in, started the dishes, broke down the cold table, cleaned the cold table, put the table back together, put the toppings away, tore the slicer down, washed the slicer, swept our work area twice, mopped the work area, wiped out the bottom of the reach in, wrapped the meat, cleaned the microwave,locked the walk in, turned off lights, and ordered the bread.

She squirted cleaner in the toilets, ran the vaccum over 3 black rugs, swept half the lobby, mopped the lobby, tore some paper and changed that, wiped down the tables, changed and took out the garbage, wiped down the garbage can lids, and then came over and took over the dishes from me, broke down the hot table, put hot food in the reach in, cleaned the slicer, counted money, and turned off a light.

I don't know about you, BUT that seems like a pretty equal division of the labor. It is not my fault that whoever she worked with before had her do all of it, or whatever she feels she did. The problem is that she likes to do it HER way. Deviating from her routine really puts her off and puts her in a crabby mood.

I have no problem doing it the way she wants to do it. The way she wants to do it is the way it was when I first started working with her. I did all the lobby and then came back to help tear apart the cold/hot tables and clean those as she did dishes. It's no big deal to me how we do it, as long as we do it and are out of there before 10:15 pm.

My telling her that we could do it that way next time really irritated her too. I was like I'm offering to do it your way. That set it off to it's not about doing it my way, blah blah blah!

Seriously...You are getting your way. Your getting your way and noone is bitching. Your getting your way and it was the easiest and simplest. She just couldn't accept it. I have no idea why. Though I know that come Thursday we will be doing it her way.

It's a real good thing that I can get along with pretty much anyone. It's also a pretty good thing that everyone who knows me knows that eventually I will say something if you take advantage of my good nature. So if I say it's no big deal, it's not a problem; that's what I mean. Trust that I know how to say No when I need to!

Here's to 3 more days of work and a hell of a paycheck!

I really should just blog once on Sunday about the jackass. The reason I don't though is because if I get rid of it right away, then it's not a problem for the rest of the day. Blog to vent and vent to not go crazy! Oh, and as you've probably figured out, Yes, it is another rant about the jackass.

As you will recall I blogged about how Mae had successfully shed 2 pounds, or maybe I didn't. Got her to within a pound of that weight loss from the gain at her dad's. (Yes, I'm going to say mean things in a minute, just wait for it.) She came home from her dad's today. We went for lunch at Mama Nick's, shopped at Wal-Mart, then stopped at the video store. After bringing in everything, taking of the medicine, going to the potty, and getting out of winter clothes...I stuck Mae on the scale.

Before I tell you the number let's remember something from me sending her to him last weekend. He emailed me to see if she was coming. I sent him an email back. One of the things that I put into that email was the fact that she lost 2 lbs and please do not over feed her. I actually put that in the email because I didn't want her overfed to where she was gaining weight.

Remember then that she came back home back up to almost 53 lbs from the 49lbs she was when she left my home. Let's remember that she has been known to be fed 15 pizza rolls, AT A TIME!

I have modified her food intake. I listen to her whine if she wants more and I say no. I also have heard her instead of whine ask for fruit instead. It's a battle, and it's one I shouldn't have to fight alone.

51lbs and a couple ounces! OMG!! I was ecstatic! She didn't gain anything that she wasnt supposed to! I weighed her before she left Friday. She was 50.8 lbs, I wasn't able to get her back to 49 but I was close! Moments after a small happy dance, anger set in. Set in with a quickness.

If he was able to do it this weekend, why didn't he do it last weekend. Why did he sabotoge his daughter? Because her gaining weight doesn't effect me, it effects her. It doesn't hurt me, it hurts her! Why is he like that? What part of don't over feed her wasn't comprehended last week but was this one?

The bastard used to be a freaking fat ass like me! I saw the pictures. I know how hard it is to lose weight, and he definitly knows. So why wouldn't you just go along with the plan of action for your child. Why make something that is already hard, harder?

The holidays are the worst time to try to maintain your weight. All the eating that goes on, and all the really good food that is pulled out. I'm just trying to maintain her weight so she can enjoy the holiday food, in moderation!

It's very very frustrating! I'm beyond anger to just plain frustration! I don't understand, and I'm pretty sure I never will!

So I will just be thankful that this week we aren't working on losing added weight. Just working on the normal.

Heres to surviving the holiday onlsaught of good, yummy food!

The worst part of Sunday is having to deal with the jackass! The one lesson he never learned was that to be in Control you have to first be able to control yourself. Along with that is knowing that you cant control everything and that there are some things you dont get to control.

This stupid game he plays is all about control and manipulation. I am not his girlfriend. I am not his ---. All i am is the baby mama! I dont get involved in his life. I dont know anything about what is going on in his world. I dont contact him needlessly. If i do contact it him its because i have to. Never do i want to contact him.

The new rule i have to live by is if i call 3 times and there is no answer is to call the police for a well check. As a person who has threatened to not let me pick my child up on Sunday you do not have the luxury of not answering the phone. Bottom line you have blown your trust and you do not have that luxury.

I am doing my best, MY BEST, to just deal with the fact she has to go there. BUT that doesnt mean she stops being my responsibility. That means you answer the damn phone when it rings.

Manipulation and control...is it really worth all the aggravation it puts you through? Im not playing his game. Im not. There are legal recourses that i can use if i fear for my daughters safety while at his home. And one of those is sending the police to check up on them and make sure everything is ok.

I think i should just dedicate my blog on Sunday's to the jackass. Its the one day of the week that he actually gets some air play for sure in my life.

One day, ooo One glorious day...he will be excised from our lives. I cant wait for that day. I dream of all the sundays that i dont have to deal with the manipulation and attempts at control.

heres to enjoying our sundays!

Greaaaaaaaat! My credit card payment is late. That means instead of 15 dollars i have to pay almost 40 dollars. Though the way im looking at it, i think that i will end up oweing more than the 40 dollars, because not only is the payment late, the late fee put me over my credit limit. Great scam they have going there lol. Come on February so i can pay it off again and cut that bitch up.

Its way to tempting to have 300 bucks just laying around on a card. I always forget about the having to pay back when its burning a hole in my wallet. So the time has come to cancel and cut lol. Ok so maybe just send that lil bitch back to my dads wallet. He wont give it to me unless there is a legit reason. And next time ill give it back to him after ive used it for what i needed!

Do you think i can get my boss to pay for my late charges on my bill. My check was 6 hours short this week. I had bills to pay and i had to pick which to pay. Obviously i had to take the cc hit because there were actual people depending on my paying them what was owed. Greaaat more money gone lol.

Though its not so horrible because i ended up with 4 shifts next week at work. So that means ill have some kind of money for Christmas. I did buy Mae those skates last night. I dont think they will last all that long, but for 20 bucks...whatever we get is good.

Tried to do movie night with the guys last night. I fucked up and brought Harry Potter. Harry is more of a girls movie lol. I need to remember blood, guts, comedy...something but not that lol.

Was an early night and im not sure when im getting Mae yet. But not for a few more hours. Think ill just chill and be. Maybe we will go for lunch today, not sure. Now im just babbling about nothing lol.

First, Dawn whatever you need. If there's anything I can do, just let me know! Now back to me, because you know im so selfish and bitchy like that!

Woooo its Saturday! I only have to make it til 5 o'clock! Then my weekend begins! I've actually got plans made. Made them earlier in the week. That was a fun phone call lol. My guys don't tend to make long distance plans. I was taking a chance when I called him earlier this week.

We are all so freaking broke its unreal. Yes thanks to generous donations from our faithful friday friends we still have a good time. This time though, I was good. Came home after work, after trying to go out lol. Today we are doing movie night.

We discussed this a few weeks ago because we are all to broke to go sit at the bar. While we love sitting at the bar, truth is, it's far cheaper to have a few drinks at home. Also it helps that a roommate has a ton of music, theres a dart board, and we all know how to visit other places lol.

Well I wanted to see Harry Potter and I thought I'll rent it and we can watch it. Well turns out for the amount of days i would be renting it for, thats like almost 12 bucks. Um...if I'm going to spend 12 bucks, I think I should just go out and buy it. Well mom and dad bought a blu ray player over Thanksgiving. Ahahahaha lets get someone to go in on just buying the movie. The movie is 20 bucks and it comes with the blu ray and a regular dvd. Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!!! Yay mom is paying for half. Wooo saving money all over the place! And we can watch it at Christmas!

Since i work right next door to the pizza place, ill be picking up dinner and a movie. Along with Mae's christmas present. They better still have them lol or i will be livid! First my check was late so i couldnt get it and then sold out...grrr lets hope not lol.

Hope everyone has a great Saturday. I'm off to slice the meat n cheese. Plus i get to work with my girl K!!! Yayyy!!!

Heres to a stress free day beer filled night!

You all know i gripe and complain about Mae, alot some days. The other thing I know you know is that I love her something fierce.

When Friday comes around I'm ready to drop her at her dads and get the heck out of dodge. Tonight however, I felt an emotion I hadn't felt in a long time. Sadness! WTF...where did that one come from?

I didn't want to drop her off. I wanted to keep her home and keep her close. That feeling of elation about being single and free didn't happen. Hell I couldn't even bring myself to hit the town with the guys.

I think this week, while very very trying, made me realize that Mae is MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!! She is my responsibility. She is my life. She is my love. She is everything and beyond.

Just because I get the weekends to be wild woman Heather, in the back of my mind...I am always MaeMae's mama!

*Sigh* She will be back in a day and a half. I will survive to bitch and moan again.

I just thought I would share that I miss my kiddo and for some odd reason...Im feeling lost without her being in the next room.

Heres to tomorrow...another day closer, and hopefully a good night in tips!

Currently I'm cursing my leg, watching Survivor, thanking god that Mae is now in bed!! It's been a long two days. I love that she goes to school. That's a few hours where I don't have to entertain her little butt.

I was able to get out of the house for a minute today. Though when I came back you would have thought I was gone for days, not the 45 minutes or so that was the reality. She was up my butt worse then the flying monkeys that can come out of it.

While I was trying not to strangle her, we ended up having some quality time together. I was laying on the couch with my leg up and I had her come lay up there with me. We played some stupid cheek game, that made her laugh.

We cuddled and joked. God I live for those moments. Just when I thought I was going to lose it, out popped sweet Mae.

Though an hour later, it was time to put her butt to bed! She had no nap today and you could see that she needed to be in her bed, chilled and snoozing.

I'm going to enjoy tv for awhile and then hopefully sleep like a baby.

Here's to not wrecking my ankle/leg any worse this weekend!

*waves hi to Brenda*

My ankle isn't all better. It still hurts and is swollen. I have to work Friday and Saturday night. My phone rang three times for me to work today.

I'm a little bit irritated. First call was the girl i blogged about the other day. Fortunatly my drive wasnt plowed out when she called because her pipes were frozen. Seriously?? We just had a blizzard come through, your in your like 40 something, you have lived in a trailer before, and your telling me that your pipes are frozen? HELLO everyone knows you have to leave EVERY faucet running or else those bitches will freeze. If you didn't take care of business, that is soo not my problem.

Then I was talking to Brig and there was a message. Called and E from work can't make it tonight because she didn't get plowed out. Well I may have fibbed a bit and said I was still snowed in too. Well truthfully my ankle is my issue. It, however, isn't something that concerns anyone.

Then my girl K calls me. She was going to come help shovel so she didn't have to work a double. I was like K my ankle is jacked up. I was outside shoveling and it popped again. I have to work Friday and Saturday. I need to stay off it tonight so i can work MY SCHEDULED shift. So then the boss starts sending out a mass text. Trying to find someone to work the shift and to text him back. I texted him and was like look man my ankle is jacked i have to work my shifts this weekend im not working tonight. Some where along the texting highway something screwed up. He sent me a text back asking if i had my shifts covered. I was wtf? He thought i wasn't coming in. I texted him back and explained again. Sorry i hurt my shit, but im staying off it tonight so i can work what im scheduled. if it still hurts tomorrow, im still there, ill tough it out because IM SCHEDULED to be there. DUH!

I blame the damned snow! If it could have just stayed away for a bit longer lol. The biggest downer of them all? This was only the first snow of the year!

Heres to everyone getting plowed out, im sick of people wanting me to cover a shift lol