Sorry Brenda, BUT...Me Time! I have found my me time! This is the first day of school that I have nothing to do until it's time to pick up Mae.

Oh sure I could be cleaning the house, which I need to do. But I'm going to take some time and just enjoy being alone. Able to watch what I want on tv. Not having to share my soda, remote, or food.

I did at least start last nights dishes so after me time they will get done lol. But 4 whole hours of nothing but what I want to do. Ooo I have been waiting for some down time. Working at 4 pm or 5pm is nice. You get the day to do what you need to do. BUT I've had all summer with Mae and I'm ready for a moment alone lol. If you follow me on facebook; besides always waiting for Margarita Monday lol, my posts are always about freakin cleaning. Well a lot of them are lol.

I clean the house so much that my friend who let her house go for a couple weeks and let her husband "clean" it told me yesterday my house is cleaner than hers. I was at her house it wasn't dirty it was just man cleaned up lol.

Taking a day off of cleaning is a really bad thing, but i think that exceptions should be made lol. Since I have to work tonight we are doing Margarita Wednesday. So the housework needs to be done today. Ive been using my day off to do the deep cleaning, but everyday im doing something.

So I am going to enjoy the next couple hours and just breathe and relax. Yea I'm a lazy shit! lol

As you know Monday is Margarita Monday at my house. About 4 of us get together and just have girl talk and girl time.

We laugh and shout, and in general drive the neighbors crazy lol. We drink either lime or strawberry margaritas and I put out a bowl of snacks. Sometimes it's real nice and other times it's hot. No matter what we all have a good time.

So one of my friends I've been picking up her daughter from school and dropping her at daycare. So she asks me how much I want for gas for driving her daughter.

I'm serious when I say I don't want anything she offers me 20 bucks. Is that taking advantage of a situation. I'd love to have the 20 bucks but it just seems excessive for doing a friend a favor.

I don't know, just feels wrong to take that kind of money.

Ohhh and thanks to Mae mama had to mop the damn floor today...i hate when they don't make it to the potty lol. Thank god it's tile!

Mae misses her Grandpa. Today she made me cry with talking about him.

She knows he is in heaven. I told her that one day we would see him again. That when we did he would be waiting there for us to tell us how much he loves us and how proud he is of us.

She then told me she wanted to see him again. She wanted to see him one last time. I told her we can't baby and she said yes we can. We can see him in his casket. How heartbreaking for me to have to tell her we can't because he is buried.

But she is so sweet, when she started talking I began to cry. She said are you sad mama, I said yes baby. She said I am too.

I keep thinking how easy it has to be to be 4 years old and go through this. But obviously it's not as easy as I think it is.

I wish there was a way for me to help her, but there isn't. I just have to keep telling her what I've told her.

We miss Grandpa very much and love him. And like my beautiful daughter I wish we could see him once last time. I wish I could hold him and never let go. I wish I would have known how little time we had left. I wish I would have actually crawled into that bed with him like I wanted to.

I don't think we are ever going to get over it. I don't care that people say you go on. Yes, I know we will go on. But I'm never going to be able to be ok about it. I know we had him a great long time and it is some comfort to know that we are the ones who kept him alive as long as he was. The Dr told mom that. That our hypervigilence was probably what kept him going. But the body can only go on for so long. His chronilogical age may have been almost 90 but that doesn't mean that his insides were that old. They could have been older and because of our love for that man we kept him going.

I love him, I miss him and I still can't see the up...but some days are better than others. Right this moment though, Im a big baby and the tears just come and come and come.

I love you Grandpa! I love you so much that I have nightmares of you calling me like you did the first time we took you to the hospital. I have had a couple good dreams but the nightmares are more frequent. I'm taking care of your yard as best I can, I wish I would have gone to church with you, I wish I would have made you show me how to cut the grass. I wish I wish I wish...but I know you loved me and I loved you and will never ever stop.

It's so hard because he was the center of our world. He was the light in any darkness. Thank you and damn you for making us love you so much! Maybe it wouldn't be so damned hard if we didn't love you and bask in your love.

God, I'm pathetic!

I watched a 20/20 show on WE tonight and it scared the crap out of me. It also makes me realize that even though it may seem wrong at times, keeping a child away from the other parent is a good thing.

This 20/20 was about a woman who married a violent man. He lied to her about the level of violence he had achieved. Hmmm, sound like anyone I know? He told her that all he did was slap his ex wife.

Turns out that he did more than that. A broken nose, and kicked her unconcsious at a school.

She hadn't seen that side of him until after she was already married to him. It never went to actual physical violence against her. It was emotional and verbal abuse. I heard part of a message he left for her. Hmmm, it sounded eerily familiar of things that have been said to me.

She finally got up enough courage to get a divorce and leave him. However, the kids were allowed to go visit him. Even after he violated his probration he was still allowed to see them.

Christmas he took the children and she waved good bye to them.

SHE NEVER THOUGHT THE ABUSE SHE SUFFERED WOULD BEFALL HER CHILDREN.

He called her a bit later and told her one of the kids wanted to talk to her. The little girl asked her why she wanted the dad put in jail and then she hears the other child begging her father not to do it. POP POP POP.

Both chidren dead by the man SHE NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HURT THE KIDS.

Parts of her story sounded so similar to the things I have had to go through with the kids dad. I have my trials with Mae. I have days where I just wish she would sew her own lips shut. Days where Mae and I are both lucky to have made it through the day and at the end of it all hug and kiss and be told I'm the best mom ever.

I am not prepared to risk her life. Do I think he would hurt her? Like the mother from the story, my answer would be no. But I have been threatend too many times with maybe you will get her back, no i wont give her back, to many times of him calling me nasty dirty names to her face to take that chance any longer. Do I miss having a big break from Mae? Yes I do. But would I rather face all the trials we do and still have her at the end of the day...overwelmingly yes!

It's sad when the other people in our lives have to agree with me. I can no longer subject Mae to the games he plays, the threats he makes, the abuse he still doles out when he well I don't know why he does it.

My friend said...if she ever does get to go back over there I'm going to have to take her aren't I? I told her yup, BUT the bad thing is you have to deal with him. You will have to figure out how much to charge him for gas and it will be on you. Guess what? She may change her mind and not do it. Why? Because noone wants to deal with a psycho.

I was talking to mom today and told her look we may have Margarita Monday but that is one day out of 7 that I have her. We drink responsibily, we don't over indulge, and we smoke outside. The house is clean, we don't put the drinking over her, and she is getting to an age where she repeats what goes on over there. I don't want to hear anymore about Coop and daddy drinking beer. And I don't have to find out that he had a sex offender over there. If that's going on...what else is that I dont know about.

I'm really glad I saw that show because it just reinforces that I am doing the best I can for Mae. It's my job to keep her safe and I take it seriously.

AND...I may have lost my free weekends, but school is starting soon and that means every day I will be Mae free for over 4 hours. We will be getting the break we need from each other. And I know that all over the world summer vacation is the worst time for parents and kids. We all get on each others nerves and take each other for granted.

Mae and I are starting our life together. Free from drama and bullshit that come from a mentally unstable man. It will just be another thing I have to explain to a kid. Lucky for me I have enough witness's to the story to back it up, plus truth is a powerful thing.

And if you follow me on facebook you know that the best times of the day are the new thing she is doing. Coming up to me, throwing her arms around me, and telling me I love you, your the best mama ever!

I know why people lie to my mom. I really do, and by people I mean service people. The problem I have is that this time I over heard it and though I should have I didn't dispute it. Why? Cuz he was kinda cute lol.

My friend Kimmi had to work today and school doesnt have after care for another week. She asked if I could pick Sidney up and take her to daycare. No big deal, EXCEPT, the cable guy was here again today to install the phone. Or however they do it. Well I told mom the phone was in my room and she flipped. She called them and said they would be sending the guy back out.

Um, mom I told you earlier that I have to pick Sid up from school and you told them to send him back now? It was 20 minutes til I had to leave. So she comes over to the house. THANK YOU LORD JESUS for whoever slipped the crack into my ginger ale lol.

I got up today and did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and living room and the bathroom was done last night. So when she walked in, hell froze a little bit again lol, she told me the kitchen looked nice and the house looked good. OMG seriously? I'll take the little praise I get when it comes, i'm greedy like that lol.

Sooooo the guy comes the first time and we're eating pizza. He calls me back to my room and I go back to the living room not 5 minutes later and Mae is eating my pizza. WTF?? Did you eat my pizza...Nooooo, i hear from my room. Ok that made me laugh.

So the guy finishes the job and tells me the net is back up. I get online and what do i see? He checked his fucking plenty of fish account from my room! Ok I didn't flip because I don't care but you know that the next person will have a fucking fit.

Sooooooo since I thought he was cute, he didn't call me ma'am, and he actually talked to me lol I sent him a message on that site roflmao. So let's see what he has to say about that one lol.

Sometimes you just gotta go WTF lol.

Today was a special day for me and a friend of mine. Dawn's daughter turned 21 and my Katie turned 16. Who knew we would both get this far with kiddos. Not because Dawn's daughter has an illness but because KIDS CAN DRIVE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!!

Yes I know Katie doesn't live with me, but like i keep reminding people...she had a life with me no matter who awknowledges it.

I know Katie has her own issues and as much as the Missouri family tries to hide it...it comes out.

I'm just greatful that we have her!

When she was born I didn't even get to be with her for the first 24 hours of her life. She had a fever and I had a fever and she had to go to the NICU. Scary stuff for an 18 yr old girl. Then i had blood pressure issues...so Katie was a lot of work from day one lol.

Today saw the loss of an old chatroom associate. I hadn't talked to him in a very very long time. But I know people who were close to him and I feel for their loss.

I'm still working on not being a big baby everyday because of Grandpa. Some days are much better than others.

Someone slipped crack into my ginger ale tonight because I just got done cleaning the freakin bathroom! Though I am a little irritated that my cousin says the only thing we can use on the tile is vinegar and water to clean it. He says that anything else will ruin the grout. I want a second opinion. Do you know how shitty it is to have to scrub each and every single individual tile to get the yuck off? I'm going to talk to my mom and see if she can call someone else and see what they say. Isn't that why they make Tilex? To clean soap scum off tiles?

I don't know...all I know is that I had to work on my day off today. Only slightly bitching because my plan for today was to do laundry, clean the bathroom, kitchen, living room, and get the yard done. My friend needed the day off so I went to work. Made decent tips so it wasn't sooooo horrible. But tomorrow I'll have to do the rest of the housework and yardwork before work.

I'm begining to think I really am Cinderella lol all I need is a singing mouse. Oooo wait...I have a Gus mouse tattooed on my ankle...damn maybe I should have gone with something else lol

Another Margarita Monday is over with. A couple hours with the girls is really what the doctor orders sometimes.

Tonight it was all girls so that was nice. It was really gorgeous outside to make it even nicer. And the kids all got along and nobody was fighting.

It's probably the cheapest out of the house time we can all have together. A bottle of margaritas is anywhere from 12 to 15 bucks. That means if there are 3 of us....it's only 5 bucks apiece. Or if your the bringer of the ice and lime...not much at all.

I really like sitting out there with or without drinks. It's not as good as being at the lake but it's pretty darn close.

Here's hoping that next Monday I have off so I don't have to miss Margarita Monday!

As my mother said...Just another reason to hate DJ. Yup he is still a pos asshole and is doing such a good job of it that I think he should get some kind of trophy.

You would think at 46 he would know to not play games. Considering that all his problems have stemmed from some game or another he wants to play. But try to call him on it and ooo it's not me it's you..blah blah blah.

Last week I got an email from him at my yahoo account. It asked if he was getting the girl this weekend and i fired off my email. A one word reply of Nope. Not to long after that I go to my gmail account and lo and behold...there is another email about getting my girl. This one however says am i getting the girl, if so what time, and if not no need to reply. WTF?

Seriously...you want to play games with me? You have already seen what game playing with me does. It ruins everything for HIM. I'm almost 35 years old and I know that trying to play some stupid little bullshit game with anyone is going to get you what you dont want.

So he said he would give me money for school clothes for Mae. Well I sent him a message because my mom wanted to know when the money was coming because her Kohl's bill is due. To be honest I don't remember when he says he is giving me the money, so I message him.

His fucking game playing continues even with that! He wants her address so he can send her a check and have a record of it. So I tell him the truth I have to talk to my mom and see if she wants him to have her address. Guess what? She wants him to do what he has always done and put the money into my account so that I can give her the cash. I tell him this and he's all like hmmm interesting. What's interesting? It's what my mom wants. He reiterates that he wants a record for him. Hello you big piece of shit...when you transfer money from your account to another account....THERE IS A RECORD! It is in your paper statement, it's in your online banking page, AND if you don't get paper records you can go back like 2 years on your estatements and see where it went. But he wants to know where the money went to. Funny how all of a sudden he doesn't trust what the money is going for.

Any time i have ever asked him for money I have been able to prove what the money is for, and how it was spent. If I have to ask for money I'm asking because it's for something specific. BUT again he has to do all this game playing.

If you make it to almost 50 you would think you would be done playing games. I don't have any need to play games. I have a 4 yr old that plays them to the point of me wanting to wack her, ya know! But then again she is 4yrs old and they are supposed to be like that.

Again like my mom said...just another fucking reason to hate him. One day he will figure out all that he lost because he had to play some stupid game or have an agenda. The thing is...he is only hurting himself. Mae is fine WITHOUT him and his bullshit so the only one who loses anything at all...HIM.

Some people will never change, grow up, or be responsible for their actions/inactions but continue to blame others for their faults. Me....I'm going to continue on my path and own my mistakes and know that everything I do isfor the greater good of Mae.

Yeah, that's a good mom

http://www.press-citizen.com/article/20100811/NEWS01/100811002/1079/

I worry about Mae. I worry all the time about if I am being a good mom. I have doubts about that every single day. I think that all good parents worry about their ability to parent. It takes a lot of hard work to turn out a good kid.

I'm checking my mail today and that link is the article that stood out.

Her 4 yr old was missing for over an hour before she called anyone. I've lost Mae twice, both times I had someone else helping me watch her. I know it happens. BUT I also know that after checking the immediate area if you don't find your child, you CALL for help.

The first time I lost Mae I went to take a shower and asked Grandpa to watch Mae. This was when she first started getting some freedom in the house lol. I got out of the shower and realized it was too quiet. I threw on my clothes and checked the inside of the house and then immediately went outside. I found her in the backyard, in her pajamas playing on the swingset. After the, at most, 10 minutes it took to look for her, if I hadn't found her I would have called the police. At 3 and 4 years old if a 10 minute self search can't locate your kid, something is wrong!

The second time I lost Mae I went outside to have a smoke. I asked her dad to watch her while I went out. We both knew where she was when I left. I came back inside and the first thing I did was look for her. She wasn't there. Went up to where she had been and looked around, checked the bathroom, walked back through the tables, and then asked her dad where she was. He told me she was at the front, no she wasn't. He didn't know where she was. Started asking people and looking for her. 5 minutes later she's found sitting at the front bar(we were at a benefit) just hanging out with a toy and having her drink. If I hadn't have found her again I would have called the police.

This woman waited an hour to call the police. And it wasn't the first time she's lost her kid. Both times the kid could have been seriously hurt. NOW they are going to do an investigation on her. I don't understand the waiting an hour to call the police. I totally get losing the kid, but both times not calling really makes me question her commitment to her child.

I'm glad the little girl is safe, but am fearful for the home she lives in. How hard is it to pick up the phone and call for help. What motivates a person to not call for help. How do you live with the fact that your actions/inactions could lead to your child being seriously hurt?

I'm not the best parent, but I am one of the better ones. I hope that everything comes out good for the girl. I really hope this mother gets the help she needs.

Well hell was only frozen for a minute. It's all unthawed and jumping all over me again. WTF is it with the house being cleaned that my mother feels she has to jump me over, nag me over, and in general just be a pain in my ass?

I asked her if since they did all this stuff to the house if she's seen it dirty. Her answer No. Well wtf doesnt that mean then that someone is cleaning it? Does she think theres a house fairy that comes by , or the 4 yr old does it? No it's me. I have friends who back me up when talking to her about it that IM ALWAYS FUCKING CLEANING SOMETHING! PLUS all the goddamned yard work.

But today just really burns me! She asked if I cleaned house. Fuck me for being honest. I didn't clean house. I'm off work tomorrow and was going to take my aggression and sadness out on the house tomorrow instead of wallowing in self pity and alcohol.

Ok I lied, I did do some cleaning. I changed and took out the garbage, I put a new bag into the soda can garbage, I cleaned off the table, I did the dishes, and I put the dirty clothes in the hamper. What I did not do however was clean the toilet. I was going to do it tomorrow. BUT my mother in all her clean freak wisdom chose to get on me about the toilet being dirty and how I'm not cleaning it. Um fuck you I clean it once a week. Sorry that I cleaned it early in the week this week and YOU THINK IT'S FUCKING DIRTY!

I asked her if you thought it wasn't clean enough for you, then why didn't you clean it? Seriously she was here Friday and part of Saturday. If it was really that horrible and that bad, and that unacceptable...WHY DIDN'T YOU CLEAN IT! The answer I got...because it's your job!

WTF?? So your telling me that even though you will be staying here, using the shower, shitting in the toilet you are not going to do any work? Oooo my bad she cleaned up after the party we had while I was at work ONE TIME! You expect me to wait on you, my dad, and clean the house, do the yardwork and you get to talk to me like I'm 12 and forgot to do my chores?? AND I asked her if the house has been dirty when she's been here(which is at least once a week) and the answer is No.

So why the hell do you have to nag and get on me over the toilet especially when you have no intention of helping out. Oh and then tell me under the sink are extra things to clean it. HELLTHEFUCKOO...I know they are there and yes I know to use them. How do i know they're there? Because I PUT THEM THERE, I USE THE THINGS UNDER THERE!!

I just don't get why all my hard work and effort; on a daily basis, isn't seen. I don't know why she can't just back the fuck off. And then wonder why I want off the phone and don't want to talk to anyone now.

Give me a break....you want me out of your house that fucking bad, out of your life. It's a good way to go by pushing me and pushing me on something I already do. God I wish she would just lighten the fuck up because seriously I feel like I'm going insane and I know I can never live up to her expectations on any level.

Fuck my life.

Man I had some messed up dreams last night. Yup they involved Grandpa. I don't even have a clue how my brain came up with these dreams but man too bad I can't translate them into something that will make money.

I kind of wonder if part of it isn't because I spent a hundred bucks yesterday on clothes for Mae and Grandpa would help me out if I ran short and that's why I had my dreams. All I know is for some reason I was staying in a hotel with Mae with my mom's discount and we didn't check out in time and ended up with 3 days on the bill and I could only afford 2 and next thing i know BAaaaam Grandpa is back. Like seriously he was back and eating with us and talking with us. And we were all together. I know I miss him and man I have some crazy dreams. It was good to see him though even though I woke up and it wasn't real.

Tomorrow is the 3 month mark. I miss him something fierce and the crying is getting bad again. Wednesday is the grief counselor and Thursday is the psych doctor so who knows what I'm going to be feeling.

But thanks to the tax free weekend Mae has some clothes that will last her through November and then when it's too cold for short sleeves all I'll have to do is buy some long sleeve shirts to go with the leggings. For some reason her body right now just doesn't fit into anything with a real waist and button. They have to be bought so many sizes bigger and then fall off. I swear if it's not one thing with this girl it's another lol.

Anyways I just wanted to get some of this out before church, hope everyone has a good Sunday. And Brenda....I say for a good laugh sit out on the porch with a hose and everytime one of his kids or him come out all nasty looking you squirt them so they have to go find soap lol

I fell asleep AFTER 1230am. I couldn't stay up anymore. I couldn't I'm sorry I'm a bad fucking parent. I tried to stay awake because I could still hear Mae awake in her room.

But my body said no, and I fell asleep.

I woke up about 30 minutes ago and she was in the fucking bathroom. Into all the fucking cleaning supplies. She had sprayed down the bathroom in something and was "cleaning" it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to handle her. Obviously the medication isn't working, or maybe im just a shit parent.

Either way they better fucking legalize speed real soon so I can stay awake 24/7 so she doesn't hurt herself.

What am I supposed to do if I can't even sleep because she won't sleep. I think she's finally asleep. God I hope so because I want to sleep.

Maybe the spanking did the job, I don't know. And those parents who say don't spank...fuck them, they have the perfect kids. Mine...bad!

I just don't know what to do anymore. My mom will be here tomorrow night. I'm going to beg her and my dad to keep an eye/ear out for her so I can sleep. I wish I had help with her but I don't and I guess tomorrow I call the doctor to see if there is any suggestion because the Melatonin didn't work.

Fuck my life fuck my life! Oh and found out that another guy I used to work with died, my drivers ed teacher died...wtf....SERIOUSLY!!!

Monday is 3 months since Grandpa passed. July my Aunt Alberta had a pacemaker put in. Tonight I find out that my Aunt Teresa had a fucking heart attack like Monday or maybe Friday and didn't tell anyone.

I AM DONE!!!

What the hell else is going to happen?

I don't know how much more health scares I can take with my family!

Mom called me tonight while I was at work to tell me she found out. Hell my aunt didn't even tell her kids!!! The only reason one of them found out was because they needed a ride. The Dr who put the stents in Grandpa put her stents in. I think it may have been a blessing in disguise that we didn't know because we would have gone to visit and she had the same room Grandpa did.

What else? Do I even want to know? Do I even want to think about it?

This is not our year! This is just a fucking crap year and I'm going to blame Obama!

I think hell must have frozen over. No seriously, I think it has!

As you know I have a mother who is great, wonderful, overbearing, guilt trip laying, and a few assorted other choice phrases good and bad. One of the big bones of contention has been about my housekeeping ability.

The thing is...I am not the worst housekeeper out there. She is just never satisfied. NEVER!

When I lived with Mae's dad I cleaned the damned house every single day. I mean CLEANED the house. You know toilets, sinks, kitchen, living room, bedroom...THE WHOLE PLACE. Every single solitary day.

She came over one time and I had a box of diapers in the living room. My house to her was filthy! Yea like I said never satisfied.

When Grandpa was alive he didn't do anything. I did everything. Yes I let it get out of control but then enlisted the help of some friends for motivation and cleaned the place from top to bottom. Again there was something on the floor and the house was filthy. So filthy that she said it was the cause of my grandpa being depressed and how could anyone live like that.

Funny how spending all my time cleaning is never good enough. BUT today I think hell has frozen over!

She told me that I'm doing a good job on keeping the house clean. Then of course threw in how I have to do it every day even if I'm working a lot. I took today off and only cleaned the bathroom vanity. BUT she was talking to my friend who watches Mae here and she told my mom that I'm really really trying.

Sad how everyone else in the free world can see the effort I am putting forth on a daily basis but one thing out of place makes the house filthy to her.

So today my mom was proud of me...I really think hell has frozen over.

Another day another virus! I don't know how I get so many virus's and other people who are on the computer more than me never catch one! It's really rather irritating. Especially when part of my birthday present ends up having to be my computer getting fixed. To top it off my virus protection was corrupted. WTF?? Seriously?

Oh well I had other things to occupy my time. You know work, trying to cut the grass, laundry, housework. All the fun things in life!

It's quickly approaching 3 months that Grandpa hasn't been with us. I don't know if it's grief, or my body, or what but I've been having trouble sleeping again, nightmares, and hearing my Grandpa call out for me waking me up. It's so bad that I should just be taking the damn ambien when I want to go to bed. But I've been taking one at 2 am. Fall asleep around midnight, wake up at 2, take a pill, wake up at 5, wake up at 7, and you get the picture. I don't know how people get through grief and move along, but they do and eventually I will to, but for right now I deal with the consequences of his death.

Next Wednesday mom and I are going to the grief counselor. Let's see if that helps anything. I'd rather go on my own, but I don't think my mom would go without someone. This is the first time she has mentioned going and if my going gets her there then I'm going. She doesn't understand, or see, or get how she has turned into a raving bitch at times and how she is hurting the people around her. I get it your dad died. I get it my grandpa/dad died. I get it! Ok I really truly get it! But that doesn't mean you get to just bash everyone around you. If you did that's what I would be doing on a regular basis.

In the moving on process I've decided to have another party! I think that 35 deserves a nice celebration. I'm going to have a mexican fiesta. Full of mexican food, people, kids, a pinata, and DRINKS! It's over a month away but I really do like my birthday and to pull this off I need more than a week to get it all together lol. My friend Tammy is going to help me with the cooking. Should take a day and a half to get all the food made. Thank god for crock pots!

I really don't have anything going on in my life. Just taking care of Mae, trying to scrounge up hours at work, and trying to find work. Life just keeps moving on, but I tell you sometimes I'd just like to get off the ride. Today I got the bathroom half cleaned, the yard half mowed(ran out of gas) and since I don't work til 5 tomorrow...I'm taking the rest of the day off. When I get up tomorrow I can do laundry, clean the shower, vaccum, and do whatever dishes we use tonight.

I hate life right now. I'm not used to these bipolar days of my life. I'm used to normal and sane. But trying to deal with the good days and the bad days and the in between days is really taxing. Thank god for books, tv dramas, and all the other stuff that keeps me occupied or else I might just climb a bell tower.