Mae misses her Grandpa. Today she made me cry with talking about him.

She knows he is in heaven. I told her that one day we would see him again. That when we did he would be waiting there for us to tell us how much he loves us and how proud he is of us.

She then told me she wanted to see him again. She wanted to see him one last time. I told her we can't baby and she said yes we can. We can see him in his casket. How heartbreaking for me to have to tell her we can't because he is buried.

But she is so sweet, when she started talking I began to cry. She said are you sad mama, I said yes baby. She said I am too.

I keep thinking how easy it has to be to be 4 years old and go through this. But obviously it's not as easy as I think it is.

I wish there was a way for me to help her, but there isn't. I just have to keep telling her what I've told her.

We miss Grandpa very much and love him. And like my beautiful daughter I wish we could see him once last time. I wish I could hold him and never let go. I wish I would have known how little time we had left. I wish I would have actually crawled into that bed with him like I wanted to.

I don't think we are ever going to get over it. I don't care that people say you go on. Yes, I know we will go on. But I'm never going to be able to be ok about it. I know we had him a great long time and it is some comfort to know that we are the ones who kept him alive as long as he was. The Dr told mom that. That our hypervigilence was probably what kept him going. But the body can only go on for so long. His chronilogical age may have been almost 90 but that doesn't mean that his insides were that old. They could have been older and because of our love for that man we kept him going.

I love him, I miss him and I still can't see the up...but some days are better than others. Right this moment though, Im a big baby and the tears just come and come and come.

I love you Grandpa! I love you so much that I have nightmares of you calling me like you did the first time we took you to the hospital. I have had a couple good dreams but the nightmares are more frequent. I'm taking care of your yard as best I can, I wish I would have gone to church with you, I wish I would have made you show me how to cut the grass. I wish I wish I wish...but I know you loved me and I loved you and will never ever stop.

It's so hard because he was the center of our world. He was the light in any darkness. Thank you and damn you for making us love you so much! Maybe it wouldn't be so damned hard if we didn't love you and bask in your love.

God, I'm pathetic!