I was watching a movie and the phone rang. It was one of the ladies from Mae's school. I dont know for sure but i think she is kind of like a social worker.

She does a great job getting information to the parents about things in the community. From just reading an article and typing up a quick info sheet about a government program for help with rent and with your house payments. To distributing the regular information.

Hell this is the woman who sent home a box of colors for us. Yea she does her job well.

She called this afternoon and wanted to know if we would be ok with our family being adopted by a business. She remembered me talking about going to Salvation Army for help and even though she knew i had issues with having to go, she wanted to help further.

So i said yes! Its not the best feeling and i told her that im not worried about myself, but about Mae's christmas. Im an adult, i get that you dont always get christmas. BUT she told me no thats not how it works. When they adopt the family i get a present too.

She wanted me to think of some things that we would like. Well i think Mae would love this book that talks to you and it helps with colors and animals and alphabet. Im going to ask for some more undies and some socks for her. Maybe even a pair of pajamas. Im going to ask for a zip front hoodie and a gift certificate to maybe get my eyebrows waxed. Shes the one who suggested a hair cut. Well id rather have my eyebrows waxed if i can lol. Its one of those luxury items that had to go when i quit my job.

I think maybe what we could ask for for my grandpa if he wants in on it, is maybe a sweater for him. Hes always complaining about it being cold. So there ya go.

No im not proud that we have to ask for assistance, but when its just you doing the at home stuff, well yea it sucks. Im still going to spend my last 3 checks before christmas on christmas. BUT this way i know that Mae will really have a nice one.

Even if her mama is so pathetic that she had to ask for help!

Heres to the Christmas spirit being alive and well. Like i taught my oldest and am trying to teach Mae...you always give a little something to charity because you never know when you might need it. Never did i think i would be asking!

5 days, and i survived! There was no blood shed, though i could certainly have helped some shed some. Gained almost 10 lbs from all the food. Good lord i worked hard enough to get rid of it lol, but hey it was Thanksgiving!

What i didnt understand about this past 5 days is how come people kept calling me to work. Especially after i had already told one of them that i was with my family and was an hour away. Then call again. Yesterday on the way home from CR with my daughter, mom, and nephew i got another call. Helloooo people i was 2 hours drive time away. Add in packing that would have been 3 to 4 hours till i was able to get there. I asked for the days off because i knew my family was in town. DUH!!

I spent a lot of time chillin with my dad. My relationship with him as an adult is more than i could hope for. While he isnt always on my side, he is when it counts! To shut me up from my big ass fit lol he told my mom just give her the room!!

That was fight number 1 lol. Though it wasnt the bad kind of fight. For some reason, im assuming its because im single lol, i never get a room to myself. There is always some reason or another why everyone else gets a room. Why the fuck should i be giving up a room for my brother and his newest girlfriend? Yes shes nice but who the hell knows if it will last. I wanted the fucking room! I deserved the room and ive been patient. Hell its not like they could have the pull out couch, the other pull out couch, the air mattress, the couch, or even the floor. In the end my dad settled it lol and i got the room. I had to put up a good fight for it and pull out all the stops. Even going back to when Mae and E were born. We were supposed to switch rooms so one visit i got upstairs and next visit i had downstairs. That never happened lol so i used it in my arguement lol.

Thanksgiving Day started out wonderful! We had mimosa's by 9 am! Well if you follow my facebook you know that already lol. But i didnt have much time to facebook this past few days so it was hit or miss there lol. Some how i ended up elected to get that damn bird ready for cooking. I made a trip to FB for that to warn people to not eat the bird lol. The bird came out good. I just dont want to do it again lol.

We had soooo much food lol. God we had so much food. It was all good! We did have a nasty ass drink. My sister left a bottle of pear vodka a couple visits ago. Well i found a recipe for a drink we thought would work. UGH no it did not! Pear vodka is nasty and the pear is so overpowering the mixers didnt stand a chance.

Friday saw my sister, bil, mom, brother, his girlfriend and dad at the stores for the black friday sales. Later my mom, bil, sister left to do more shopping. That left the rest of us home. We had leftovers and got the house picked up and watched a movie. I totally reccomend 4 Christmas's. That was sooo funny!

Friday night was another story. I got to yell at my sister i was katies mom and that she needed to shut the fuck up! Ohhh i was fucking pissed off!!!!! My bil found out a friend of his father died. So he wanted to go. Well they wanted all of us to change our saturday plans. Well in the middle of my sister trying to talk to me about it, and me just saying fuck it do what you gotta do, my dad called for me. That put my sisters convo on hold because my dad and i were cooking supper. He wanted a cutting board. We looked and looked and looked in the kitchen and couldnt find it. Well katie had put the dishes away. So i went to ask her.

I asked her 4 fucking times where this cutting board was! She was sitting at the computer playing some game. She mumbled some answer that i couldnt understand. So i asked her again. Mind you i was nice...please thanks blah blah. She still wouldnt turn around. The third time she half assed turned and muttered something. The 4th time i was pissed and i yelled at her. I said Katie get up and get your grandpa the cutting board, im not the one who wants it. We looked.

I was mad! Im sorry but if im asking you a fucking question you need to get the fuck off the computer and find it. You need to at least turn all the way around from the computer and give me an answer i can understand. And if i have to fucking ask the same question 4 times...your getting yelled at.

My sister went the fuck off about me yelling at katie. Thats when i popped off about the mom remark and blah blah. My mom took my sister into her room and i kept helping dad!

WTF!!! So i cant yell at her when she is obviously misbehaving and she can do what she wants. BUT they can yell at her and make her do this that and the other. WTFE!! I was talking to my dad and apologizing for the scene and he told me dont worry about it because he knew if he had yelled at her for the same fucking thing, and he said he would have, that they would have yelled at her and not said shit to him. Nice! Like i said ...i love my dad!

Saturday was much better. Despite the fact that after yelling at my sister it was chilly from her and my bil. So chilly they didnt want me near the baby. Yea thats smart. Your leaving your child with our mom but you dont want me to help. HA...stupid. But then again i cant blame the child for crying. She likes breast milk and my sister was out drinking. I was trying to remember if i got to do that shit, then i remembered i was dedicated to my child and her health. Hell my mom even said today like her swinging her big tits around is going to help. Speaking about her staying in bed and not helping. Well if your not exclusively bf'ing your child...its not going to make a difference. I didnt do squat for about a year, BECAUSE MY BIG TITS WERE MILKING lol. Yea sometimes its ok to be the oldest lol.

The good stuff was Saturday. My nephew, katie and my mom all went to CR for a movie and lunch. We went to the Metro Buffet and stuffed ourselves with suishi and chinese food. Then off to the theater for New Moon. AND a big ass line we werent prepared for lol.

On the drive to CR it was CRAZY!! Oh it was good though. Nothing like flying down the highway, lynard skynard full blast, and the moon roof opened. Singing along with everyone, rocking the fuck out and seeing one of the kids be embarrassed because we just let go.

Saturday night we watched a movie and just chilled. This morning we got up, did the breakfast thing, watched a movie, and then put the ornaments on the tree we cut down Saturday before the movie.

All in all i have to say that it was a great weekend. Though i do wish that i could just punch the fuck out of my sisters fat face. That or be an uber bitch and put on facebook: Should you tell your sister that she is taking after a scene from Sex and the City, you know the one where they are laying out on the terrace and they are giving Maranda crap about not waxing??

Oh wouldnt that be a good one lol

Heres to holiday survival...One more big one!

Happy Thanksgiving my friends! Wow this year has just flown by! Not much left of 2009 and the big feasts are now upon us.

Well i tried the benedryl last night. Yea that was nice....FOR A NAP! She was still up twice and out in the living room. I was on the phone first thing this morning to the Dr's. I dont know what the medication is, because well i didnt listen well yesterday. But only because i had hoped the benedryl would work. Now we have some medication waiting to be picked up that she will take twice a day for 30 days and then they will cut it back and evaluate in a month. Dont worry ill be back im sure with a lot of bitches about the medication. Hopefully though it will help her sleep through the night again.

Tuesday! Bring on Tuesday! I will be on my best interview behavior. Hair done, make up done, nice outfit...and hopefully at the end of it ill have a new job. Ive already got my daycare lined up and payment arrangements made in case i get the job and in case i cant get daycare help. Because you know that its all on me and sometimes you have to ask for help. Well ill be asking and if things work out there...well it looks like ill just be getting myself a babysitter for Friday nights and will be able to think about stopping visitation with the asshole.

My friend stopped visitation and her childs behavior improved in leaps and bounds in the couple months that she hasnt been going. I guess sometimes if the other person continually refuses to do what is in the best interest you have to take matters into your own hands. Yea it will suck not having time off time off from being mommy, but if it ends with Mae being better behaved and staying on the path forward and off the path of regression it will be worth it.

Im excited about this new job possibility because i have experience in a sub shop now, i will have more money and wont be struggling so much, and because its new. God wouldnt it be nice to have disposable income again. To be able to take Mae to WalMart and not have to try to explain to her that mommy cant but instead to go ....Well yes you were a good girl, or no you werent good so you cant. God money is evil incarnate but man i love it.

Heres to not killing your family during the holidays!

Just a lil something else! No its definitly not bitching or complaining. If it pans out then there will be lots of bitching and complaining lol. Subway called me today. Unfortunately i was out running errands and i missed the call.

Tomorrow ill call them up and see about setting up an interview. Im assuming that is the reason shes calling. They dont tend to call you if they are telling you no lol.

So till tomorrow.....

We have all but been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. The reason i say this is because the Dr looked at me and said she thought thats what her problem is. That her not sleeping is part of the i guess disease.

It also explains why yelling and spanking do absolutly no good with her. It also explains the having to be into everything.

Now i have to go and figure out how to contact her brothers mothers to find out if they are ADD/ADHD that way i can tell the doc. Yea family history is kind of important. Even if it is half brothers.

So yay i get to be the unwanted bitch in these two womens lives. I called the asshole and asked him. He has no idea being he hasnt ever been in their lives. Told him to email me any info. But we know that he wont do it. God i dont want to be a part of these womens lives even for the briefest of moments. BUT since i am the only PARENT this child has, ill have to suck it up and be all intrusive.

God what the hell!!! It is nice however to have an idea of whats going on. Now to research it a bit because the dr told me that she cant do anything for Mae until shes 5 or 6. Thats 2 years of not being able to do anything.

Tonight we will be using benedryl to see if we can get her to sleep. You know i have learned a lot of patience with Mae....now im going to have to learn a whole lot more.

As for the kids dad....The minute that i have a job that isnt on the weekends. His ass is completly cut off from Mae. He has proven time and time again that he doesnt have her best interests at heart and Im personally done trying to deal with him. Obviously if he gave a shit about her....id have the information i need. The only other search i have to do now is to figure out how to go about locating his family. I personally do not want any more medical surprises from his limited gene pool.

Well at least i know why im tearing my hair out and that even though the other half of her dna doesnt give a rats ass....my friends and family are there for her and me. Supporting us in any way we need support.

Heres to all those that love you with truth integrity and honor!

OMG its too funny. I had better check myself before the kids dad loses what lil respect he has for me!!! OH good lord thats funny!! How can you lose respect for someone when you obviously never had any respect for them in the first place?? I mean he started the relationship lying to me, he continued lying to me through out and after the relationship, he beat me when i was pregnant with my daughter, he bitches that he has to take his daughter, he disregards everything we tell him that needs to be done with my daughter.

Ohhh after the last two nights i really did need that laugh!! Its funny though i only see anything he says about me when i have to email him lol. Well i had to email him today with the date of a day i need to bring Mae early. Oooo that was funny!

Its also funny that he isnt concerned about her weight. I am very concerned about her weight, which went up almost 4 lbs from when she left my house to coming back from his. Ive over the last couple weeks or so have really truly pissed her off. She was used to getting whatever she wanted to eat when she wanted it. Whatever she wanted to drink whenever she wanted it. Candy whenever her and grandpa decided they wanted candy.

Yea shes not so happy the last couple weeks because ive cut her food down. Ive decided that if she doesnt eat all thats on her plate. Too bad so sad if shes hungry later. We are not going to start another generation of fat people.

It would be nice to say that the fat just comes from my side, but it doesnt. Her own father used to be HUGE and her brother is also HUGE. Me ...yea im big too lol. But at least im on the downward slide. Its hard but hey together me and Mae can acheive some kind of help.

Though it would be nice if she was getting it right at his house. Im a step away from having to buy all her meals for when shes there. I dont know how to do that because we need to have the meals here at home. Oh welll.

Respect....hard to have it when it never was, and hard to gain it when your actions are still not in the best interest of your child.

Heres to knowing that sometimes you have to be the one to take the spoon out of their mouth and hey anyone know where to hide the body!

Regression! I hate that word and i hate what it implies. For me it means that after a day and a half with the asshole i have to deal with poop accidents with Mae.

I should start sending him the fucking bill for all the underware i have to buy because after a day with him. She forgets how to be fucking potty trained.

Though just like the fucking gas money he should be paying....ill never see that.

Im having a really bad monday! Sometimes i wish he would be a fucking man and do a mans job. But you cant expect man behavior from a person that doesnt fit the description.

Oh well...its a day to vent and god i have lots!

Being a single parent fucking sucks ass sometimes. First you end up with an asshole who you have to share your kid with, an asshole who wants to continue to make his flaws your problem, an asshole who thinks i should be greatful he pays fucking child support...yea it was a great weekend.

And to top off the fucking weekend. Last night Mae refused to sleep. If you follow my facebook you know exactly what the issues were!

Im going to have to go to the doctor and see if we can drug her or something. I do not function well on no sleep. Hungover or otherwise.

When all you get is 20 minutes at a time of sleep before you hear the tv thats not good. Spanking does no good and now unplugging that fucking box does no good. That child plugged the fucker back in.

Not to mention the suppositories she was trying to eat, cutting with scissors, open fridge, vhs movies everywhere, dvds everywhere.

ive fucking had it. Im tired of being the only one who is consistent with this child. I swear to god and i mean this...once she becomes a more stable child....she wont be visiting anyone who isnt MY FAMILY!

Every week she comes back with more bad behavior from her dads. Hell yesterday she was asking for beer. WTF!!! Why is my 3 yr old asking for beer???? Even i know that if you are going to turn your kid into a rootbeer junkie you call it fucking rootbeer. So im going to assume that its her asshole not doing the right thing. I mean after all this is the dickhead who thinks its ok to use sexual reference to his daughters liking something.

Seriously!! I thought i was having it rough because i felt like crap about not being able to shower her with gifts. Now im thinking im not so fucking bad!!!

I need to put a fucking filter on my kid when she goes to her dads. I have to live in the land of delusion when she goes there, but if she is going to start telling me whats going on...poor Mae...shes going to have to stop going over there.

I dont know im just sleep deprived and ready to fall out.

Hope yoru monday is better than mine!

The weekend may have won, but its Sunday and im awake lol. Ill be going to nap here in a bit lol. Hey i need all the sleep i can get for the return of Mae lol.

I think yesterday wouldnt have been so bad if people would have let me come home to sleep lol. Hell i was so passed out last night that i never even heard the phone ring. Its probably a good thing i didnt hear it ring at almost 2 am. No reason for me to be runnin out at that time lol.

Yea im stupid i would have gone lol. So i texted my friend who called and maybe he'll call later and tell me what he wanted lol. Lord only knows.

I have to figure out how to make it up to my girl K because i just couldnt hang at the bday party. Ill have to figure out when she doesnt have her kiddo next and see about prying her away from her boyfriend.

Anyways its Sunday and im kinda hoping for buffet lol. Though i dont know why because i looked in the window at my reflection last night and um...yea i dont think the buffet is what i need. My clothes were just a little baggy in some places and well i dont want to be filling them out again lol. Ill wait till thursday.

And then last night i got some other wierd work news. After telling me and K that i was only hired for 2 shifts a week and i wasnt getting scheduled a 3rd. Well the boss has decided that when the both girls end up out on maternity that ill be getting a 3rd shift. Yay me, but um...hello...why is it ok now lol. Doesnt much matter because ill work anything lol. If im really really unlucky ill be working two freakin jobs. But you do what you have to do.

So the good news just keeps on coming! Hopefully ill get that 3rd shift on the next schedule because thats when my quarter should be showing up is on the next paycheck.

Ahhh i really do lead a charmed life. Yes i know your not supposed to say that. But im greatful for my charmed life. It cant all be about mean nasty spiteful hateful things. There are enough of those people out there.

Heres to living in the present...even if its not so charmed!

Dear god im starting to not like Saturdays so much lol. I think it has something to do with Friday nights lol.

We fucking partied another Friday away lol. Oh did we have fun! Its kinda funny and sad when after 5 in the morning lol my friend T looks at me as hes on his way to passing out and says Im sorry i have to leave you drinking beer by yourself lol. You know youve had a good night lol.

I was quite happy to not have been kicked in the head or stepped on after we all passed out lol. There were bodies everywhere lol. Unfortunately we woke up to a pissed off female my girlfriend T lol. Ooo i dont know why she expected my friend K to be sober at that early hour of like 8something.

But even after all the raging lol we had coffee and breakfast. I found out im an idiot lol i didnt know how to make coffee with their pot. Its ok though lol they fixed it.

Hell my gramps called to see where i was. I was like im at my friends i stayed the night instead of driving my drunk ass home. Though to be honest when i drove myself home this morning im not sure exactly but i dont think i was quite sober.

Had two birthday parties to go to tonight. I couldnt hang at either one. I was getting texts from the first party wanting to know if i was coming out or not. And then my other friend girl K was at the bowling alley.

I had to bail. I felt so bad but man i just am not fit for the public at this moment lol. I told B do you see now why i dont call you on Saturday lol. Im horribly crabby! This is why i dont drink with Mae. She sooo doesnt deserve hungover mommy.

All in all it was a good weekend. Didnt cross any bad lines this weekend lol just the lil ones. I have no problem keeping lines that are crossed on the downlow, but seriously lol you can only do that for so long. And i know that in this situation its not going to be me doing any bringing into the light. Ill have to laugh really hard when that happens. Hell as it is me and my other friend are laughing about it.

All in all though.....i have had another great weekend hangover included. AND i didnt look all girly this weekend lol. The girls stayed covered, i was grubby and comfy lol. Though i think on Fridays im just going to start packing an over night bag lol. Its truly nice to not have to drive home or even think about driving home. The last lil piece of driving that has to be done is just backing the car onto the street so morning workers can get out of the drive lol.

Heres to good friends, good booze, bad booze, bad friends, bitchiness, and all kinds of the time of your life!

Woooo i really do like Thursday night! As you know thats my tv night. I get a Suvivor, Greys, and tonight a PR fix.

Seriously different time zones suck lol. I was texting Dawn during two of those shows lol. I sooo wanted to just say stuff to her lol but i wasnt going to be the Spoiler Queen.

I love Russell. I really really love that guy. He is sooo making this season for me. Im pretty sure that next show there is a real distinct possibility that hes gone. Even if he is gone, wow he sure did give us some good tv!

PR i had to text Dawn because of this judges hair. I dont have good hair lol but even i know that was bad hair. Think Theres Something About Mary and you have a good idea of what her hair looked like. No way id put my big ass on tv with that hair do lol.

And the last thing i texted Dawn was that i would be doing a much happier blog. We are now to that portion of the blog rofl.

I was hanging with Mae and my phone rang. It was my friend K, the one who got me the job i have now. Well the other day her and i were talking and i told her that i never got a raise. In the job description they have you read it says you get a quarter raise once you reach proficiency. Well that was the word i used when i was talking to her and that got her thinking. She was like why didnt you say anything, you should have had it a long time ago. I started in June lol. Ive been there going on 5 or 6 months(i dont know exactly when i started lol).

Well she talked to the boss today and even he had forgotten. Well im getting my quarter!!! Woooo now im not losing anything when daycare rates go up a quarter in January.

AND AND AND AND AND The best!!!

The boss is going to look into getting me some back pay for those hours when i should have had that quarter. Woooooooooo!! Its not alot. It should come out to about 40 dollars. That is sooo not a lot but its 40 dollars!! Ok so after taxes its not quite that BUT its like an extra paycheck.

That means there is 40 dollars more worth of Christmas i can get!!!

Ohhh i knew all this feeling bad crap had to have some kind of good. Took a couple days lol but it happened. I need to keep reminding myself that i dont have it as bad as i could. I need to not dwell on what i dont have and make the most with what i do have. To know that i am not the only person out there this year asking for help. I have three other friends who have to go and ask for help with Christmas. Its rough all over!!

Ohh i love how life comes back around and kicks me in the butt!!

Heres to the unexpected!

So far today is better than yesterday. I think it has something to do with the fact that i snuck out of the house for a couple hours after Mae went to bed last night. I hung out with a couple of my friends and they helped pull me out of my funk. Also my online friends had great words for my patheticness that i was feeling.

The worst thing about today is that Mae decided that 4 am it was time to get up and watch tv. Maaaaaaaan i sent that kid back to bed about 3 times. Everytime id fall back to sleep she was at it again. Finally i was like fuck it im sleeping the next 20 minutes because im freakin tired lol.

Told her teachers i was sorry if she was out of sorts and then we all applauded her because she was able to open her cereal all by herself. Yay Mae! Have no doubt though that when she comes home from school its potty and then off to a nap!!!

I was productive this morning after i dropped Mae off. I went to the library and paid on a fine and brought home all kinds of new books and even the first season of NCIS, though i didnt get the first disc lol. Oh well i have it on reserve now and ill just watch the rest of it first.

Then i went and did the walk of shame. Yea i signed up for christmas assistance. They really want you to be able to qualify. The guy who did the paperwork kept trying to get me to give higher dollar amounts on like walmart and gas and stuff. But i just dont know how much i spend on it because well we dont have much money so it doesnt seem like we spend much. Well when it was all said and done he was like um you have 200 bucks left over. I was like WTF??? Where is this 200 bucks at? Man i could be drinking partying and buyin Christmas on that kind of money. Took about a minute then i realized what bill i had forgotten about. CHILDCARE!!! Its one of my bitches about my checks and i forgot that one lol. Yea after we figured in child care lol we came to a number that we both went a ha over. I was like maaan i dont know how im losin 200 a month lol but then we figured it out lol and yea im broke like i thought lol.

Went and dropped off the Subway application. That would be an awesome job. Would suck to go in at 6am BUT no nights, no weekends and its 30 to 35 hours a week. Which...means i could be a bigger drain on society and ask for help with childcare. Would be nice to not have to pay all my childcare. Low income sucks but sometimes the programs are good. Like headstart for Mae. She really needs that structure, the friends, teachers, and program. If we were higher income we wouldnt be able to do any of it.

I cant remember if i blogged it or not, but yesterday we got our tree. Mae was set on a pink one, but she broke the same size one we had last year. Noo pink one. Then Grandpa saw a white tree. Then Mae saw the purple tree. Grandpa didnt like that one, plus it was 88bucks!! Soooo we have a white 6.5 ft pre lit tree. All it needs are ornaments and some tinsel.

I know that i shouldnt make Mae's christmas's about the gimme, but for fucks sake! Shes 3 yrs old! She deserves to have as much as she can under that tree. Soooo Tuesday ill be out spending my itty bitty paycheck on presents. Thank god i get paid every week. At least i have about 4 weeks to buy her a present. Sooo she will have at least 4 from mommy. I just have to get out and get the calendars and picture frames for the big kids and the adults.

Yes i am feeling much better about myself today. Its just so hard to not feel like a failure when you see everyone else around you making it. When your doing your best and its not good enough. My mom said well you should stop partying so much. I had to tell her mom im not spending my money. My guys have been carrying my ass for the last month. I cant spend what i dont have. Hell i asked the fucking kids dad for boot money. I DO NOT ASK HIM FOR ANYTHING!! Because as we all know i asked for gas money for carting her back and forth. I never get anything. Sooo it was a big shock when he gave me money for the boots. Yea he pays child support but ya know...it only covers so much. And at 22 bucks a pop for fucking boots, yea i need extra help.

Anyways...ive got about 20 minutes till i have to go pick the girl up i think im going to pop a NCIS in and see if i can confuse myself before naptime lol.

Heres to knowing your not a failure even if you sure do feel like one!

I am utterly and totally ashamed of myself as a person and as a parent! Christmas is right around the corner. You know that November flies so fast just to speed it up to the end of December.

I wish i could say the reason im so broke is because i partied my money away. I wish i could say that im so broke because i went to the casino and gambled it away. I wish i wish any of the dozen other excuses people have for being broke.

Plain and simple im broke because i quit my job back in March. Im broke because i married a man who when losing his temper took me down with him.

Though i am applying for other jobs, they just arent coming through. Im going to apply at another place today, yay Subway! Lets hope that it comes through because i could at least get a paycheck before Christmas that way.

Yesterday i had to explain to Mae that her mama is so bad that she couldnt buy her the Christmas tree we wanted because my check was so little and i had to buy her snow boots. Hell im such a bad parent i had to go to her dad and ask him for money for the stupid boots!

I have two bills that i have to pay. Ok so 4 bills. I have my cell phone, yes that is a necessity. I have my car insurance, also a necessity. I have the never ending empty gas tank. And of course the daycare bill. Between child support and my job i barely scrape by.

Entertainment for us is grabbing movies from the video store. Lucky for me shes still little enough that its enough for her. But Christmas....shes not old enough by far to understand no presents or just two presents under the tree.

I have 6 kids to buy for and then 7 adults to buy christmas for. Im working on making a baby blanket for the baby, the adults are all getting school pics of mae, my dad is getting cookies, my brother in law is easy he just wants a popcorn tin. But the kids!

They deserve to know the christmas's we knew! The reason i couldnt buy the Christmas tree yesterday was because i took the last 20 dollars i had in the bank and ordered my nephews present. The oldest of the kids are getting calendars this year for christmas.

Its so bad moneywise that i have to use communicty services to put presents under the tree for Mae. So today or tomorrow i will be heading to Salvation Army and signing up for Christmas Assistance.

Im so ashamed and horrified that my behaviour is causing me to go this route. I wish that i was a better person, but obviously im not. But Mae deserves to have a christmas even if its not all from mommy mommy.

Im still thanking god for Dollar General and Family Dollar because next weeks money im going there and will be forking over money i really dont have. BUT again these kids deserve some kind of Christmas.

Ive already told my family that the only kiddo getting more than one present from me is Mae. I just cant afford it this year! The previous years, even the one i was preggers with Mae, i had cash coming in. I was able to spend on everyone.

I just feel like a complete and utter failure that i have to go and ask for a hand out. Asking for a hand up is one thing, but a pure and simple hand out. God im not that girl!

Hell i even called WIC today because again money is tight and hell nothing wrong with WIC??

I dont know...Tis the season to feel like crap, utter failure, and just plain horrible!

Did i mention that my grandpa feels bad and is getting us our tree today? Yea im feeling like a complete utter and total failure. But thankfully we have some help. But still....yea thats about it lol

Heres to next year being better!

The newest party favor is my digital cam. It chronicles tales of drunkeness and debauchery on a De Sade (forgive my spelling) kind of level at times lol.

Got a text earlier telling me they found my rob zombie cd and tacos sounded good so off i went before i picked up Mae.

We brought out the camera and took a look at what was on there. Um....i dont remember some of these shots lol. I mean i really dont remember them lol and im not alone lol. But then you go to a shot thats like 2 minutes later and i totally remember that shot.

We agreed that we out did ourselves this weekend. Went to a level we hadnt been in awhile lol.

The pictures start with one lonely picture of when life was still sober at early 11something. The next shots start at a lil after 1. They show like a bit over 2 hours of stuff. Then theres nothing again until 519 am lol.

Ooooo my god! Pictures are not always good lol. But at least they showed us having a good time. Got some really pretty pictures of the fire and some really screwed up but way cool shots when i didnt have the camera set right. I hate my camera but sometimes it works.

Heres to the ability to delete as needed and no evidence left over AHAHAHAHHA!

Well im alive! Thats a very very good thing lol. Friday night i tried to make myself not be alive lol. Ok so i didnt quite do that but i did a good impression lol.

Friday night either starts at 915 pm or 1030/1100 pm. And Friday nights have been pretty fucking awesome for the last couple months. Been hanging with two of my good friends and just doing all sorts of things that arent good for anyone lol.

This week alone the police visited us twice! Im telling you we need to figure out how to party quieter lol. Friday nights unvisited are nice and should be routine lol.

This weekend we had all the bases covered. We had movies, we had food, we had tunes, we had a fire, we had good company, we had >>>, and we had DRINKS! Many Many drinks were had!

We had a case of Corona and a bottle of Jeremiah Weed, and there was some bush light(not mine). Mmmmm Jeremiah Weed and lemonade! It was great! The guys mixed up a pitcher that was awesome.

Played a few games of darts and shock shock i actually won one of the games. Surprised the hell out of all of us lol. Im not anywhere near good enough to waste the quarter on at the bar lol.

One of my friends played the responsible adult who had to work the next day and left before 1 am. My other friend and his roommate(my ex) all headed outside for the fire and to keep drinking.

The JW didnt last too long but thats what the coronas were for. I got up to pee and went inside and there was G fixing up a cooler to bring to the fire. Dude he even put Coronas in for us. I just added the can opener limes and salt lol.

We partied outside for HOURS. I tried to keep G outside with us but he was like look ive been up for 22 hours lol im going to bed. Sooooo me and K stayed up and finished the party. Well ok the cops finished the party and him and i just moved inside lol. Yea 5 am or some shit isnt prime party at the bonfire time lol.

All i remember after that lol is not being able to work the remote and then waking up because i heard people talking at 11ish. OMG i think i was still drunk lol. A friend of K's took me to the vid store and grocery because there was no way i could A. Go alone and B. Get myself there lol.

Did that and came back to breakfast plates all made up. Drank a cup of coffee and then asked for another and before coffee was done i was back asleep lol. Thank god K is prepared for over night guests lol i forgot my toothbrush and was way happy there was a brand new one i could use lol.

Made a 6 lb meatloaf for all of us. Yea 4 hungry guys demolished that shit lol. Watched a few movies and then brought my happy ass home! Got home last night about 10 and maaan i was ready for my bed.

I think im still recovering a bit lol it was a rough one. But man we had a great time! Now its time to get back to reality. Thank god for reality!

Heres to Monday...may it bring all good things.

I have been watching Survivor since its very first season. I love Survivor. Its a Thursday night tradition and hell one year it even started on my birthday! I may not have it memorized or even remember everyone, but ive always enjoyed Survivor.

I loved the season with Rupert. Who didnt truly enjoy him stealing the shoes. That was the best, well until last night!

I love Russell. He came into this game with the right mindset. Its a game and i need a plan. This is the one game where its pretty much recquired that you play dirty. That you dont follow societal rules and you put you conscience on hold.

He is an evil manipulating bastard and is unapologetic. The perfect mentality for the game of Survivor. I think its pure genius, evil or otherwise lol. I dont know if he will win the moola but man is he playing a great game.

He has got to be the luckiest SOB on the planet lol. Not only did he find a hidden idol with no clue once. His ass did it twice!

Hes hated all over lol, but im loving him. This is what the game of Survivor is supposed to be. You know that the producers are in heaven with a character like him. People tune in for love and hate. And hes got both.

Ahhhh i love thursday night tv lol.

Heres to it being Friday!

Ex's! They come in all forms. Mine are all annoying and babies lol. So my really really good friend has a new roommate. An ex of mine from like almost 15 years ago lol. And seriously lol im soooo glad i outgrew that phase of my life.

Hes one of those that when your friends meet them your like look i was young and stupid and blah blah...forgive me for that mess.

So anyways hes a vet and yesterday obviously was vets day. Well my friend calls me and is like can you come over and have a beer with me and glen. hes being all whiny about being a vet and noone celebrating with him.

*SIGHS*

Maaaaaaan....so i said yeah, i can save you from the dude acting like a chick. LOL he wanted me over so bad because he didnt want to be alone that he was trying to offer up incentives lol. I was like look your my friend and ill come over so you can make the day right for him.

FUCK! So i go over and were hanging out, music, darts, beer(i wasnt drinking like it was friday lol),laughs....it was the begining of a good time. Next thing we know here comes another friend and the guys nephew. Now i dont know why but he thinks that any and all sexual inuendo comment or feel is ok to put on me.

I get that im the only girl, but um HELLO ive been apart of this group for half my fucking life. Like inappropriate comments about head btwn me and my ex. Um hello...i am not going to have sex with my ex, i am not going to have any kind of unavoidable contact with my ex.

Hell my ex doesnt even get that. On his way to bed he was telling me if i didnt want to go home that he had a queen size bed and that he would only cuddle.

*SHUDDERS*

Thankfully my other friends are there to laugh at my prediciment lol. But my friends are good about figuring out when ive had enough and they will step in and put an end to it.

There we are playing darts and i had my beer and smokes on the table below the dart board. Yea smooth move lol. James throws a dart and it all but lands in my glass.

NEW PARTY GAME!!!

They filled a bigger glass half full with beer and the goal was whoever landed in the glass from bouncing off the board has to drink. Doesnt matter how nasty the beer gets lol if you hit it you drink it. It was hit a couple times lol.

Next thing i know i come out of the bathroom and whoop whoop...the cops are at the window. WTF...the neighbors called the cops and then fucking lied lol. Yea maybe the music was a lil loud, BUT i could only hear it real clear with the door cracked when i was smoking. Then they had told the cops we had a bonfire. Um we had a bonfire last friday night. But we were all housebound people last night.

So woooo whats a party without the cops...Not ours lol.

And just in case your wondering i left Mae here sleeping all tied down in bed...lol..no seriously. My grandpa had left his over night bag here and came back and decided to stay home. So after i put Mae in bed last night and she was all the way asleep i went out.

Well that could explain the cops being called lol...considering it was almost 9 when i got over there...maybe it was a bit late for loud.

Lines Lines Lines Lines Lines!!!!! Ohhh how confusing those lines are lol.

Heres to going on 2 decades of friendship!

Cage The Elephant - Ain't No Rest For The Wicked lyrics

I was walking down the street
When out the corner of my eye,
I saw a pretty little thing approaching me.
She said I never seen a man,
Who looks so all alone,
Could you use a little company?
If you could pay the right price,
Your evening will be nice,
Or you can go and send me on my way,
I said you're such a sweet young thing,
Why'd you do this to yourself?
She looked at me and this is what she said.

Oh, there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Money don't grow on trees,
I got bills to pay,
I got mouths to feed,
There ain't nothing in this world for free.
I know I can't slow down,
I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could,
Oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good.

Not even 15 minutes later,
I'm still walking down the street,
When I saw the shadow of a man creep out of sight,
And then he swept up from behind,
Put a gun up to my head,
He made it clear he wasn't looking for a fight,
He said give me all you've got,
I want your money not your life,
If you try to make a move I wont think twice,
I told him you can have my cash,
But first you know I've got to ask,
What made you want to live this kind of life?

He said there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Money don't grow on trees,
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
Ain't nothing in this world for free.
I know I can't slow down,
I can't hold back
Though you know I wish I could
Oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good.

Now a couple hours past,
And I was sitting in my house,
The day was winding down and coming to an end,
So I turned on the TV,
And flipped it over to the news,
And what I saw I almost couldn't comprehend,
I saw a preacher man in cuffs
Taking money from the church,
He stuffed his bank account with righteous dollar bills
But even still I can't say much
Because I know were all the same,
Oh yes we all seek out to satisfy those thrills.

You know there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Money don't grow on trees,
We got bills to pay
We got mouths to feed
Ain't nothing in this world for free.
Oh no
We can't slow down,
We can't hold back
Though you know we wish we could.
You know there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good.

Ok so im really feeling this song lol

OMG i had a great weekend! Its seriously like the weekend that wouldnt die lol. Its finally at its end and im really close to sleep watching GI Joe lol.

Didnt get home till like 4 am last night and for some reason i rolled over and saw my phone a bit before 9 this morning. I had a text message lol. Yea i love texts telling me i left things and was being teased about it lol.

So i called my friend and we bullshitted for a minute and being a smart ass i asked what was for breakfast. Maaaaan it was biscuits and gravy! Bet your ass i begged an invite lol. They said come on over. Mmm it was a yummy breakfast!

Breakfast turned into lunch lol. We went to the store and got brats and then picked up Mae. She played with my friends kids and actually ate her lunch.

I finally thought my weekend was ending and my phone rang lol. My other friend needed me to come over and sit with her kids and sister and the new baby lol while she went and got some free baby stuff. Really nice baby stuff!

So i ended up over there and we had pizza. I also found out my child is seriously off lol. I love her but maaaaan lol shes a little young to not want to take the handcuffs off lol.

She likes to push the button on the seat belt when were driving and stand up or move. Well i keep telling her she cant do that cuz the officers will come and take mama to jail and charge me. Well my friends kid had some fake cuffs and she had them on and was walking up to people going charge me lol. She didnt want to take them off she wanted everyone to be charged lol. Yea we have issues lol.

But now im sitting here thinking about the weekend and the interesting things it brought. Wow...its been a wild 3 days lol but ive had enough fun to make parts of me hurt lol.

Heres to really just enjoying life on your terms!

The world is full of lines. Crossable and uncrossable and questionable crossable, and karma is going to bite you in the ass eventually uncrossable, Crossable with the influx of alcohol and just plain i dont give a damn im thinking of me crossable lines that should probably have been uncrossable.

Ok so all lines are crossable its just what you do after you have crossed those lines.

As you have probably figured out i have found lines that got crossed. I dont regret that they got crossed im just interested in finding out what the consequences of crossing those lines will be.

i know what it would/will be on one side of the fence. That one im pretty sure unless someone decides to go postal i wont ever have to deal with. And on the other side is all the stupidity that comes with not following the lines.

Maybe ill get lucky and the uncrossable will become crossable on occasion.

Hell i dont know, its after 4 in the morning and you know me lol. Anyways...

heres to crossing lines....sometimes you just have to go with it lol.

God i know better than to play in the crazy end of the pool! But hell even i have to dip my toes in once and awhile. But you get bit when you do that. Try enlightening a crazy person and you will find out what i mean.

I know i shouldnt have commented on judys blog but maaaaaan i wanted to set her straight that there was one thing that dawn wasnt lying about lol. Like shes totally not one of my favorite people and it totally sucks sharing a chat room with her and her man. But im an adult i can handle it and i do.

But as ive blogged before i get invites to read the crazy ladys blogs. Ive even accepted a couple lol i do need my entertainment. Hell even had a conversation with the crazy lady that she seems to forget about about how i get invited and how people will shit when they see me on her friends. Yea tell me thats not a drama starter.

Anyways i was being nice and trying to save the bitchs karma points a bit, but like usual lol it was met with hostility and anger and self righteousness lol. And all the crazy anyone could handle lol.

Sometimes it just doesnt pay to try to help a person out. Hell even im not so awful to make fun of a person who was put into a medical coma, especially lol when there are non crazy people who talked to these people lol. Im also not so stupid to know that you can have a computer about anywhere in a hospital. Even in ICU...what some people dont know is that icu doesnt mean your dead or dying necessarily.

Ahhh i must have been out of my head last night to try to explain to this crazy bitch the situation. Twisted words, mumbo jumbo, bad spelling, typos, grammatical errors, you know crazy land type lol.

Anyways heres to giving me back some karma points for trying to help another, even though undeserving lol, keep their karma points lol.

Part 1 of last night which is part 2 in the blog lol. I had to spit out my great time lol. Im selfish. Hey it was Saturday...the one full day that i get to be selfish and think of noone but myself lol. But alas that is comgin to an end in about 6 hours lol. Anyways...Part 1 of last night.

I hate working till 5 on Saturdays lol. But thats what i was scheduled for because i asked for the night off. As you are well aware it was Halloween yesterday.

A month ago, or whenever WalMart put out the costumes, i bought Mae hers. She went as a cheerleader complete with pom poms. Heck one of the houses we stopped at was sooo impressive for me. We walked up the drive and there was a big W painted/chalked onto the driveway. I know what that means, thats for West High, thats where i went to school lol. I figured it was because they had a ball player of some kind. Nope! Got up to the door and Mae did her trick or treat and her Rah Boom Baa....I really did try for rah rah sis boom bah, but thats what we got lol. She shook her pom poms and the lady tells her that her daughter is a cheerleader. And then did the best mama thing. She said that maybe one day Mae could be a real cheerleader and then she backtracked and said no your a real cheerleader now and said something else. I thought that was the coolest thing! Here she was keeping the 3 yr olds imagination alive and not trying to take something from her. How neat is that? Ok maybe not to you but i totally loved it.

By the way lol im telling this in a really screwed up order because that last bit was at the end of the night lol.

Since the kids dad lives in an apartment and most of his immediate neighborhood is apartments i had to drive us to a good spot. I agonized for this all afternoon at work. I was trying to figure out the best place to take the kiddo too. Well im a good mama and i found the spot! The kids dad even told me i did good, kind of like how i almost always get rock star parking at WalMart.

The kids dad was very accomodating. He moved that car about 20 times lol Ok maybe 4 but it was alot. Im lazy i didnt want to have to walk all the way back to the car lol. We werent the only ones who had landed in the neighborhood. But it was a great neighborhood. I mean its right off church row and the houses are big, and they were just really really nice. Because you know they know that not all those kids are from there blocks lol.

One house even had the world series, a fire pit, hot dogs and hot apple cider. I tell you what it was awesome! Hell at the very end we even hooked up for a minute with a friend of mine and his daughter.

We didnt stay out the whole 2 hours but we were out almost an hour and a half. The night actually started out decent. I had Maes coat but under her costume she had her sweats and sweat shirt. We were able to walk around for a long time, but then the sun went down down lol. Thats when it was time to be done. The temp dropped quickly and Mae turned cold. I guess she was getting a bubble bath when she got home lol.

She got about half a bucket of candy and she had a good time. She even knocked on the coffin and didnt freak when the girl popped out of the coffin. She was a bit scared of a couple clown costumes....evil clowns shes not into lol Ronald she is lol. Then another house a guy was leathered up and had a scary mask on. The neighbor guy told me in what to me sounded like a disgusted voice he just likes to hear them scream. BUT in the guys defense...he wasnt out scaring the little ones. Though the littles ones were not to sure about gettin his candy lol.

All in all...i had a great weekend. Now to fight Mae over the candy and to fight grandpa from giving her candy. He just got home and i went to show him the pictures of Mae from last night. WTF do i see on the kitchen table????? 3 bags of candy and suckers and candy corn!!!!! Ooooo im glad she just went to the dentist and the flouride put on her teeth lol.

Heres to suriving the sugar rush lol

Seriously....it was 2 in a row! I had a most awesome weekend! And im hot! Im soo hot! LOL i had my ego stroked ten ways from sunday. It was revealed how much of a dirty whore i am. And all had a good time!

I was CUTE! oh so cute tonight! Like totally hot lol. Matching bra n panties...yea that never happens lol. A way cute shirt that made the girls look 18 again...i have a picture if you want proof lol. Had a pair of nice dark jeans on. AND the peace day resistance(yes i know thats not how its spelled but you knew what i meant lol) my black knee high suede boots. I dont know how high the heel was but i was taller then my friend who is 5' 11. So like maybe 4 inches. Ohh my feet hated it, but i looked Good!

Went to a house party and didnt take anything to drink. Man i tell ya, i just wasnt in the right frame of mind to be house party drinking. Especially with one of my ex's there. I just can not get all stupid like everyone else when hes around. Im telling you its not real comfortable when your both hangin out on the back of the couch and he scoots toward you and you have run out of room to scoot away.

i can deal...dont know if i can do it every weekend though lol. Had a jello shot and chilled out watchin the darts, listenin to the mucis. Im telling you it was a houseparty and if your old enough you know that a house party can be as good as the bar.

Speaking of bar lol me and a friend snuck out to the bar lol. Oh that was a good time. Bad karoke and Corona. I love my friend hes soo awesome. I always have a good time when hes around. Too bad his ex is one of my friends. It makes it hard when you have to skirt around names when talking.

We ended back over at the house party. Though only one person was still up out of the 2 that were there lol. We chilled and drank a bit and finally i was like man its time to go home. And i packed up and left lol.

It was a good fucking night. I dont know what i did to deserve two great nights out but i am thankful!

Heres to everyone feeling the sun shine on them once in awhile.....