So far today is better than yesterday. I think it has something to do with the fact that i snuck out of the house for a couple hours after Mae went to bed last night. I hung out with a couple of my friends and they helped pull me out of my funk. Also my online friends had great words for my patheticness that i was feeling.

The worst thing about today is that Mae decided that 4 am it was time to get up and watch tv. Maaaaaaaan i sent that kid back to bed about 3 times. Everytime id fall back to sleep she was at it again. Finally i was like fuck it im sleeping the next 20 minutes because im freakin tired lol.

Told her teachers i was sorry if she was out of sorts and then we all applauded her because she was able to open her cereal all by herself. Yay Mae! Have no doubt though that when she comes home from school its potty and then off to a nap!!!

I was productive this morning after i dropped Mae off. I went to the library and paid on a fine and brought home all kinds of new books and even the first season of NCIS, though i didnt get the first disc lol. Oh well i have it on reserve now and ill just watch the rest of it first.

Then i went and did the walk of shame. Yea i signed up for christmas assistance. They really want you to be able to qualify. The guy who did the paperwork kept trying to get me to give higher dollar amounts on like walmart and gas and stuff. But i just dont know how much i spend on it because well we dont have much money so it doesnt seem like we spend much. Well when it was all said and done he was like um you have 200 bucks left over. I was like WTF??? Where is this 200 bucks at? Man i could be drinking partying and buyin Christmas on that kind of money. Took about a minute then i realized what bill i had forgotten about. CHILDCARE!!! Its one of my bitches about my checks and i forgot that one lol. Yea after we figured in child care lol we came to a number that we both went a ha over. I was like maaan i dont know how im losin 200 a month lol but then we figured it out lol and yea im broke like i thought lol.

Went and dropped off the Subway application. That would be an awesome job. Would suck to go in at 6am BUT no nights, no weekends and its 30 to 35 hours a week. Which...means i could be a bigger drain on society and ask for help with childcare. Would be nice to not have to pay all my childcare. Low income sucks but sometimes the programs are good. Like headstart for Mae. She really needs that structure, the friends, teachers, and program. If we were higher income we wouldnt be able to do any of it.

I cant remember if i blogged it or not, but yesterday we got our tree. Mae was set on a pink one, but she broke the same size one we had last year. Noo pink one. Then Grandpa saw a white tree. Then Mae saw the purple tree. Grandpa didnt like that one, plus it was 88bucks!! Soooo we have a white 6.5 ft pre lit tree. All it needs are ornaments and some tinsel.

I know that i shouldnt make Mae's christmas's about the gimme, but for fucks sake! Shes 3 yrs old! She deserves to have as much as she can under that tree. Soooo Tuesday ill be out spending my itty bitty paycheck on presents. Thank god i get paid every week. At least i have about 4 weeks to buy her a present. Sooo she will have at least 4 from mommy. I just have to get out and get the calendars and picture frames for the big kids and the adults.

Yes i am feeling much better about myself today. Its just so hard to not feel like a failure when you see everyone else around you making it. When your doing your best and its not good enough. My mom said well you should stop partying so much. I had to tell her mom im not spending my money. My guys have been carrying my ass for the last month. I cant spend what i dont have. Hell i asked the fucking kids dad for boot money. I DO NOT ASK HIM FOR ANYTHING!! Because as we all know i asked for gas money for carting her back and forth. I never get anything. Sooo it was a big shock when he gave me money for the boots. Yea he pays child support but ya know...it only covers so much. And at 22 bucks a pop for fucking boots, yea i need extra help.

Anyways...ive got about 20 minutes till i have to go pick the girl up i think im going to pop a NCIS in and see if i can confuse myself before naptime lol.

Heres to knowing your not a failure even if you sure do feel like one!