Saturday night took whatever it is im doing to another level. Ive been fearing being intimate with John. It has been a big topic between me and my girlfriends. Its been a month since we started dating and eventually sex will come up.

The one thing i figured out is that im not ready, at least as of last Saturday, to have sex. I figured this out a couple weeks ago and came up with something i could live with when the time came.

THE TIME CAME! Johns birthday is the same as Mae and Moms so when we went out for adult time we were celebrating. Another thing i had been fearing was being alone with John. I really havnt had the best luck when it comes to picking men. They always come off nice to me and then bam true colors come out. Well when is the best time for that, when your alone.

In discussing arrangements for the adult party the whos riding with who came up. OH MY GOD...i swear i was having all kinds of panic/anxiety attacks just thinking that i would have to ride with John by myself, because as my friend pointed out, that was kind of not nice to have him driving alone.

John and i rode with my mom and dad, my friends in their car. I was sooooooo glad that i didnt have to be alone with John..ALL NIGHT..til i was alone with him!

We were staying in the hotel and my friends were staying with me. They had to take another friend home and that left us alone. In a room with two beds! If the tv had been in front of the couch, id have sat at the couch! I sat on the bed, and well i said yes he could join me on the bed when he asked.

After all night of doing adult things and having a nice buzz going, the nerves set in! My plan a few weeks ago was to be like teenagers and just kiss and make out. It sounded like a really good plan. As we know the best laid plans and all.

I dont know why i was so nervous, ive had my fair share of sex. I just am not ready for full blown sex! Its just not happening at this moment, though now im thinking about it a lot lol. We were on the bed and we started kissing, then roaming hands that found a very very nice place to roam.

Suffice it to say it went further then i was really ready for it to go. His hands though did very very nice things which is why i went further lol. It was moving steadily along and i know John was willing ready and more than able to take it all the way. WHEN THE PHONE RANG.

Oh i had never been so happy to hear the phone ring in my whole life! It was my friends letting me know they were on the way back! They called just in time! They came back and we all talked for a minute and then to bed.

They were doing their thing and John was trying to do his thing, and then my friend saved me AGAIN! She basically sent the guys outside to smoke and talked to me about if i wanted them to not have sex because of the pressure it was putting on me. I was so greatful! I told her though she is an adult and if they want to they can, but i wasnt going to and didnt want to wanted to lol.

We both took a xanex because noone was going to bed, this was at 4 something lol, and according to my friend i talked for about 5 minutes and then i was out! I dont know what they did, i dont really care what they did. Im just greatful that she sent them out of the room.

After the phone call i was trying to explain to John that it had gone further then i wanted, but i wasnt upset because well GAWDDAMN, and that it wasnt him. i was just still a lil screwed up and im getting better! I do feel bad about being a tease....but where does it say just because you let a guy put his hands on you that you have to go all the way.

He was great about it and he cuddled me while i tried to sleep. If this becomes a regular thing im going to have to talk to him cuz i cant sleep cuddled up unless im already out lol. The next day he sent me a text saying that while he wished it had gone further, he understood and it was probably a good thing that it didnt.

Hell thats the way into a girls pants! I truly think he does understand and im glad. I filled him in on a bit of the stuff ive been through, so i think he gets that.

He is really a nice guy and he likes me! My friends think hes a nice guy and while hes probably not the one hes good for me, they think im going to break his heart. Me...i dont know what to think. Im having a good time and i really dont see any reason we have to rush things. I really really had a bad relationship with the kids dad, yes there were good times, but they dont make up for the bad. I just need to be around people who have my best interests at heart and i want to just live life and enjoy what i have.

I think i may have a permanent dent in my forhead and my brother probably will need knee replacement surgery after dinner on Saturday. The restraunt must have known to buy really sturdy tables because my big ol noggin hit the table several times lol.

There isnt any way to prepare a person for meeting my mom. She is full of questions and wants answers and expects things to be a certain way. I also find that when she is meeting someone for the first time its the safe bet for me to not say anything and just let it progress.

While we were sitting and i was talking to my brother and sister in law i started hearing some of the things that my mom was asking. That was when i started beating on my brothers knee. Then i ended up with my head on the table and more knee hitting.

I dont even remember what i heard at this point but i heard enough to make me want to cringe. My brother was laughing and was talking to John about i dont know, i was just happy it was going well.

Mae though i think was a little intimadted by John. He is tall and also a big guy. At 3 years old and 3 feet tall id be intimadated too lol.

Dinner went well and we all had a really nice dinner. Thank god for the Loco drink lol, 4 rums to help calm the nerves lol. I think that the coincidence of all 3 of them being born on the same day helped the situation. They had something to talk about other then who what and why, they all had cards, and i made sure mom and John had cake. Im a good girl!

I dont remember at what part of the night i asked this but i did ask mom if Mae could be around him. She said yes! Ohhhh i was relieved, and this was before all the bullshit drama with the kids dad, now we can do things during the day, helps move the relationship further lol. I made sure to ask mom the next day too if that was still her opinion and it was.

Sooooooo now John is going to meet us at the circus on Tuesday. I dont know if thats too fast for jumping in and doing things with Mae, but i think it will be a fun thing to start off with Mae.

Bring on Tuesday!

Todays the big day! John is meeting my family and being put under the chinese water torture by my mom. Well im assuming thats what hes kinda thinking. We were texting last night and he came out and said he was nervous.

I didnt tell him that im nervous too. Ive brought some real winners to the table before and my mom is probably expecting the worst lol. I think that she is going to be pleasantly surprised. God i hope she is lol. Im pretty sure right off the bat when we talk shes going to say hes a big guy and he needs to cut his hair lol. I think though that because hes so nice she can over look that lol.

I wouldnt stop dating him if she didnt like him, but it would mean that i have to wait longer to bring Mae around into the mix. That isnt a bad thing, just reality. I think ive done a good job so far in explaining to him the importance of Mae. Im assuming hes ok with it all because he hasnt complained about us only doing things on the weekend.

While we arent like officially boyfriend/girlfriend today kinda puts us on that path. I keep telling myself that its ok to have a nice guy. That its a good thing that someone nice is into me. That even with my baggage is still going to go out with us today.

Ive got 5 hours till the party starts for Mae and have so much to get done its unreal. Im on a schedule though and so far ive kept to it pretty well. I think its a good thing i left so much stuff till today because the nerves are setting in and maaaaaaan i dont know if im ready.

Theres something wrong with me and i just have to make myself fix it. Here i have this really nice guy who sends me texts telling me im beautiful and i just cant make myself call him on the phone and chit chat.

Last night would have been the perfect time to call him because Mae was asleep and i wasnt doing anything but reading and being lazy. Do i think of this last night? Oh hell no i think of this just a bit ago.

I really dont know how to do this dating thing. How long do you date someone before they are your boyfriend? Do i really want a boyfriend? How do you explain that when you have cash coming in you pay for things? How do you not feel like your taking advantage of someone because they are doing all the paying?

Maybe those are normal things to think, but how the hell am i supposed to do this? Im not a teenager anymore, no matter how stuck in 16 i am. I have lots of things to think about and have to make sure Mae is taken care of in all aspects. How am i supposed to make this all work?

Gawwwwwwd! Sometimes being me isnt the most pleasant. I have so many screwed up things in my head and sadly i let those things be planted in my head. I got used to being treated like crap and having to do the taking care of. How come i cant just let this guy do for me what he wants?

Maybe it all comes back to sex. I dont know if im ready to have sex. Its not like i would be having a one night stand where there isnt any expectation. This will be with someone that ive been seeing. Its been over a month now. Eventually he is going to want sex, if he doesnt want it now.Sex just complicates things even more and god...i think this guy actually likes me.

So what the hell is wrong with me? Here is this nice guy who is pretty much everything i asked for and im all wishy washy sketchy! I just really dont want to have another bad relationship! I dont want to miss the warning signs, or deliberatly ignore the warning signs and still go ahead.

Maybe im growing up a little bit or im taking someone else into consideration(MAE) instead of just what i want. It is nice though having someone to do things with.

Its nice that the person im doing things with knows how to be in public. I dont have to police actions and attitudes and be ready for whatever. How do you relax with a person after almost 5 years of social ineptitude, lack of common courtesy, phonyness, lies, etc...How do you not expect something bad to happen.

I know that John is not my ex, any of them, but how do i retrain,reprogram myself for a normal way of life? I dont have the answer but i am working very hard at it. Hell tomorrow is a big step and you never know what will happen. I guess i had better just enjoy it while i can.

With this new dating situation, which i found out i know nothing about, comes a whole lot of screwed up feelings. A lot of it is some serious anxiety. I just dont know how to be with a normal person. Hell i dont know how to be with a man who meets all the criteria i set for myself when i was finally DONE!

The criteria was that he had to be attractive to me, he had to have a job, have a car, and his child support payments had to be small enough to still do stuff. Well loe and behold....sometimes life actually listens. If your ready for it or not, thats a whole other story.

This guy has two jobs, has a car, is attratcive to me, and has no kids. WTH...seriously life does pay attention. Hell he even has long hair, likes karoke, will dance with me, and is really low key and quiet. The only difference between him and the guys i usually end up with....hes 10 years younger then me and he is a big guy. Not only is he ten years younger then me, he was born on the same day as my mom and mae.

How freaky is that? I didnt expect that one lol.

I find myself dreading being alone alone with him. I just get real anxious when i think about it. I know its leftover bullshit from the kids dad, but it really sucks! I had to have a talk with John about how come i pull away, or i just seem skittish.

Hell my friend Brig, she even said she noticed me pulling away and him working up to touching me. When i was talking to him he said that he had noticed too. I made sure to tell him that it wasnt him it was all me. BUT i was getting better.

I cant even think about sex! That just drives my blood pressure through the roof and i feel like im having a panic attack. I just really really dont know what my problem is! Hell i found out last week that not only did i kiss him, that was the night i decided to flash the bar for a shot, AND he kissed my boobs. WTF...so im pretty sure hes got to be thinking im some psycho nut job.

Im not really! I just dont know how to let someone be nice to me. I dont know how to just accept the fact that John pays for things. How to not talk so nervously incessently about absolutly nothing because im so nervous.

This is date like freakin 6 or 7....your supposed to be kissing and thinking of sex. Its just im scared! I know its stupid. Ive been having sex for a year or two. Its not like im new to it. Hell its not like im even new to a one night stand. I just dont know, its like i have ptsd from being with the kids dad.

I was talking to my friend Kimmie tonight and we both are like wtf is wrong with us? We cant let the nice guys be nice to us, we're all like fucked up enough that we cant just let it be. Looking for the bad so we have an excuse.

Im trying...very hard! I just need a little time i think, for what i have no idea, but i dont think its going to be a big problem. John is very nice, very laid back, goes with the flow, and is just the kind of guy your supposed to be with, even if your robbing the cradle a bit lol.

The Dates

I almost said no to the first date. I dont know why, no confidence most likely. I also dont know what possessed me to say yes, probably because i was ready. I dont know, and it really doesnt matter why. I just know that so far the dates have been worth whatever the reason.

The first date was the next day. Wow, even i was shocked at that one. Shocked, i said yes. We went to Culvers for lunch. I havnt ever really dated, and this was a strange situation to find myself in. We talked and ate, ate and talked. Just the getting to know you stuff. I told him that i dont usually go out with people in their 20s, im more of a 30 to 40 age range. He told me that he liked older women. Ooook well hey at least one of us was going to be comfortable lol. It was nerve racking, and i didnt know how to act and was just so nervous. After sitting for a little bit i was ready to either go home or do something lol. You can only sit in Culvers so long, or hell any restraunt for that matter before your ready to go. I suggested goofy golf at the mall and we went golfing lol. It was fun and i had a great time. Did i mention that so far i hadnt paid for a single thing? That was a big big change! We went for ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery and i finally paid. Told him that since i knew i wouldnt eat all my ice cream i wanted to pay. Funny that he grumbled about me paying. How nice! Hell he even stopped so i could buy a pair of shoes. How fuckin girly is that i tell ya.

The second date was to Carlos OKellys. This was after i had to turn him down for dinner during the week. I explained to him that during the week that was when i was with my daughter and that i couldnt really do anything. Now i could totally go and do something, the thing is, she would have to go with me. At this point there was no way Mae was getting anywhere near this situation. Thats just how i feel about it, at date 2 thats way to early to introduce Mae to someone. So thats how lunch came to be. We sat and sat and sat. He brought me a rose that time and its still kind of there. The waitress came by a bunch of times and we kept telling her we were sorry and blah blah. Finally we ordered ate and i suggested a movie. I mean he didnt have to go to work till 4 so we had time. God im a freakin idiot! I totally chose the wrong movie for a first movie date lol. We went and saw Last House on the Left....which has a big huge rape scene in it. What a nice thing to watch with someone you just met lol. But the movie was good and he said all the right things about the movie. That date ended with us kissing in the middle of the parking lot as the snow fell on us. Sometimes life can be so cliche but ya know...its nice when it happens to you on occasion.

And for the life of me i cant remember the order of the next dates lol. How funny is that that im all excited about this new thing that ive forgotten the order. I guess thats what i get for waiting for so long to put it down. Guess ill have to come back to the dates later.

Third date was Olive Garden. Mmm that was a yummy! We again talked and talked and talked and the waitress was like look yall talk as long as you want. Im only bugging you so my boss doesnt think that ive ignored/abandoned you. LOL yea we were a bit talkative. We had appetizers, meals, drinks and then it was time to go. He had to work and well you know you have to do that.

Fourth date wasnt really supposed to be a date lol but it turned into one. After a few dates i really wanted my friends opinion of this guy. Here is a seriously nice guy and i make bad decisions lol so lets get some outside advice. I invited him to watch me bowl and he ended up recruited to bowl with us. We had a great time and my friend liked him. As we were leaving she looks back and says ill go start the car so you can say bye. Im having a great time!

This last weekend which i guess would be the Fifth date we actually had dinner together. He didnt have to work one of his jobs so we went for chinese. The funniest thing though is that he ended up eating at the restraunt twice lol. I told him he should have said something and we could have gone somewhere else to eat i didnt mind. He was like but where...ok good point lol. So we had dinner and then because he had to work at midnight i suggested he go take a nap. Which he didnt want to do because then he lost time with me. I havnt yet introduced him to Mae...so we are still at weekends.

This weekend for our Sixth date its dinner with my family for my moms birthday and then to the bars with my mom and him and some friends. This will be the one where i decide if Mae gets to be around this guy during the week. The jobs he has its easier to see me during the week for him. Depending on this weekend there might be a change in how often we see each other.

March 13

Friday the 13th of March 2009 was a strange night for me. Things that usually dont happen began to happen. I dont know if it was the fact that it was friday the 13th or maybe it was just that i had a lot too much to drink lol.

Fridays are the day that i have to wait till after 9 to make my escape into the grown up world. After all week of being with Mae at 9 oclock im ready to get out and about! That friday i made plans to meet my friend Kenn because he wanted to talk to me about important stuff.

I met him at the lockeroom, a bar, and we sat down and started talking. At that time his mom was currently in the hospital dying from brain cancer. His dad had called him to let him know that the DNR papers had been signed. Well this put him in a not so good frame of mind. The drinks helped to deaden the pain for him and to get him where he wanted to be. Inibriated.

After a few drinks i was ready to be a little rowdy and the Lockerroom wasnt the little rowdy i was looking for. So we hopped down the block to 2000 for bad karoke. We ended up sitting at the bar after sitting at a table for a bit. Personally i prefer to belly up to the bar instead of sitting at a table. All the action is at the bar anyways lol and that night was no exception, though i didnt know it at the time.

Lots of drinks and songs, and laughs followed. I ended up having to take my friend home early because he was trashed and not capable of public interaction any longer lol.

While we were sitting at the bar, i ended up talking to the guy sitting on my left. I drink and i get even more chatty lol. I was on my way to horribly drunk when i came back from dropping my friend off. I probably should have just gone home, but im pretty glad now that i didnt.

As it turned out i came back and ended up really trashed, but in the process ended up dancing and talking and doing shots with the guy who was next to me. Amazingly i wasnt paying for all the drinks! That was a plus because i usually end up buying me own drinks, which hey, im cool with.

Well somehow in the middle of all this i got up the courage to give the guy my phone number and email, and hell we even took a picture together that night. I was camera happy lol you should see the pic of me kissin my aunt jackie lol we look a lil lesboish lol. During all the dancing we ended up doing there was a lot of kissing.

I have no idea who started the kissing, but im sure it was probably me, knowing my drunk ass. But it was fun!

Here was a guy who actually got up and sang, who let me drag his ass dancing, and then danced like i know how to dance! Wow what a great night!

Bar closed and i unfortunatly drove home, but when i got home i ended up calling this guy and next thing i know....ive got a lunch date the next day!