With this new dating situation, which i found out i know nothing about, comes a whole lot of screwed up feelings. A lot of it is some serious anxiety. I just dont know how to be with a normal person. Hell i dont know how to be with a man who meets all the criteria i set for myself when i was finally DONE!

The criteria was that he had to be attractive to me, he had to have a job, have a car, and his child support payments had to be small enough to still do stuff. Well loe and behold....sometimes life actually listens. If your ready for it or not, thats a whole other story.

This guy has two jobs, has a car, is attratcive to me, and has no kids. WTH...seriously life does pay attention. Hell he even has long hair, likes karoke, will dance with me, and is really low key and quiet. The only difference between him and the guys i usually end up with....hes 10 years younger then me and he is a big guy. Not only is he ten years younger then me, he was born on the same day as my mom and mae.

How freaky is that? I didnt expect that one lol.

I find myself dreading being alone alone with him. I just get real anxious when i think about it. I know its leftover bullshit from the kids dad, but it really sucks! I had to have a talk with John about how come i pull away, or i just seem skittish.

Hell my friend Brig, she even said she noticed me pulling away and him working up to touching me. When i was talking to him he said that he had noticed too. I made sure to tell him that it wasnt him it was all me. BUT i was getting better.

I cant even think about sex! That just drives my blood pressure through the roof and i feel like im having a panic attack. I just really really dont know what my problem is! Hell i found out last week that not only did i kiss him, that was the night i decided to flash the bar for a shot, AND he kissed my boobs. WTF...so im pretty sure hes got to be thinking im some psycho nut job.

Im not really! I just dont know how to let someone be nice to me. I dont know how to just accept the fact that John pays for things. How to not talk so nervously incessently about absolutly nothing because im so nervous.

This is date like freakin 6 or 7....your supposed to be kissing and thinking of sex. Its just im scared! I know its stupid. Ive been having sex for a year or two. Its not like im new to it. Hell its not like im even new to a one night stand. I just dont know, its like i have ptsd from being with the kids dad.

I was talking to my friend Kimmie tonight and we both are like wtf is wrong with us? We cant let the nice guys be nice to us, we're all like fucked up enough that we cant just let it be. Looking for the bad so we have an excuse.

Im trying...very hard! I just need a little time i think, for what i have no idea, but i dont think its going to be a big problem. John is very nice, very laid back, goes with the flow, and is just the kind of guy your supposed to be with, even if your robbing the cradle a bit lol.