Saturday night took whatever it is im doing to another level. Ive been fearing being intimate with John. It has been a big topic between me and my girlfriends. Its been a month since we started dating and eventually sex will come up.

The one thing i figured out is that im not ready, at least as of last Saturday, to have sex. I figured this out a couple weeks ago and came up with something i could live with when the time came.

THE TIME CAME! Johns birthday is the same as Mae and Moms so when we went out for adult time we were celebrating. Another thing i had been fearing was being alone with John. I really havnt had the best luck when it comes to picking men. They always come off nice to me and then bam true colors come out. Well when is the best time for that, when your alone.

In discussing arrangements for the adult party the whos riding with who came up. OH MY GOD...i swear i was having all kinds of panic/anxiety attacks just thinking that i would have to ride with John by myself, because as my friend pointed out, that was kind of not nice to have him driving alone.

John and i rode with my mom and dad, my friends in their car. I was sooooooo glad that i didnt have to be alone with John..ALL NIGHT..til i was alone with him!

We were staying in the hotel and my friends were staying with me. They had to take another friend home and that left us alone. In a room with two beds! If the tv had been in front of the couch, id have sat at the couch! I sat on the bed, and well i said yes he could join me on the bed when he asked.

After all night of doing adult things and having a nice buzz going, the nerves set in! My plan a few weeks ago was to be like teenagers and just kiss and make out. It sounded like a really good plan. As we know the best laid plans and all.

I dont know why i was so nervous, ive had my fair share of sex. I just am not ready for full blown sex! Its just not happening at this moment, though now im thinking about it a lot lol. We were on the bed and we started kissing, then roaming hands that found a very very nice place to roam.

Suffice it to say it went further then i was really ready for it to go. His hands though did very very nice things which is why i went further lol. It was moving steadily along and i know John was willing ready and more than able to take it all the way. WHEN THE PHONE RANG.

Oh i had never been so happy to hear the phone ring in my whole life! It was my friends letting me know they were on the way back! They called just in time! They came back and we all talked for a minute and then to bed.

They were doing their thing and John was trying to do his thing, and then my friend saved me AGAIN! She basically sent the guys outside to smoke and talked to me about if i wanted them to not have sex because of the pressure it was putting on me. I was so greatful! I told her though she is an adult and if they want to they can, but i wasnt going to and didnt want to wanted to lol.

We both took a xanex because noone was going to bed, this was at 4 something lol, and according to my friend i talked for about 5 minutes and then i was out! I dont know what they did, i dont really care what they did. Im just greatful that she sent them out of the room.

After the phone call i was trying to explain to John that it had gone further then i wanted, but i wasnt upset because well GAWDDAMN, and that it wasnt him. i was just still a lil screwed up and im getting better! I do feel bad about being a tease....but where does it say just because you let a guy put his hands on you that you have to go all the way.

He was great about it and he cuddled me while i tried to sleep. If this becomes a regular thing im going to have to talk to him cuz i cant sleep cuddled up unless im already out lol. The next day he sent me a text saying that while he wished it had gone further, he understood and it was probably a good thing that it didnt.

Hell thats the way into a girls pants! I truly think he does understand and im glad. I filled him in on a bit of the stuff ive been through, so i think he gets that.

He is really a nice guy and he likes me! My friends think hes a nice guy and while hes probably not the one hes good for me, they think im going to break his heart. Me...i dont know what to think. Im having a good time and i really dont see any reason we have to rush things. I really really had a bad relationship with the kids dad, yes there were good times, but they dont make up for the bad. I just need to be around people who have my best interests at heart and i want to just live life and enjoy what i have.