Xanex has been a life saver these past two days. I worked 5 days in a row and then got lucky and had two off in a row. Do you think I got to chill? Hell no lol my life goes at a million miles an hour. If people didn't know better you would think I was all gacked out on meth. Hell as it is I'm not gacked out on anything lol. Well mom did buy a big bottle of wine the other night lol. But sometimes you have to drink a big bottle of wine lol.
Because my ex boss had fax troubles and such Mae and I have been denied food and medical assistance through the state. HOPEFULLY the fax that went through today got filled out and faxed back because it's almost time for that all important shot. Though if I were to end up pregnant lol the only person who would be thrilled is Mae lol she wants a brother and she wants my boyfriend to marry me. Yes she told him that lol.
So anyways working on Tuesday I get a phone call telling me the dentist had a cancellation for Wednesday. Hell yes I want it! I need to get there before my insurance ends. THEN I had to run all over hell and back to get court orders of the child support and official documents showing that the kids dad has been paying child support. Then if that wasn't bad enough lol there was the phone call from hell and another dentist appointment today to have fillings put in and fixed.
Thank god I took the 1pm appointment because I went through hell again today for this home loan. Earlier though in my rush to get to the courthouse, get Mae to school, and to the bank...I was a bad bad mama! I forgot to feed Mae breakfast! WTF seriously lol. Lucky for us the school offers breakfast and she was fed and tomorrow she will eat breakfast there since I have to work at 9 in the morning.
After I get to the bank and start giving her my stuff I ask her if she got the check. OMG i thought i lost a $300 check, luckily it was stuck to some papers in my folder. Signed all kinds of papers so they could keep processing the loan and get the appraiser out there.
So two days in a row Xanex has saved my stressed ass lol. AND THEN....i know can you believe there is more lol.
Remember how I said that just because Mae and I are ready for him to live with us he has to be? Well today on the website I met him on I put as a status: Life just keeps moving on and maaan its moving fast! Home ownership on the horizon!!
I come back later and find out that his reply is want a roommate? WTF what has changed lol. Not that I would have a problem living with him but seriously this is a big change in his attitude. I talked to him and talked to him to try and figure out what was going on in his head. Then I emphasised several times that before he can seriously consider living with us he has to be ready to be a Dad. Because this is all about Mae, not her mommy having a live in. If he moves in he will be becoming her dad because Im not going to live with a man who thinks he has no responsibility to me or my kid. So he's thinking about it, hard. Im sure we will make the right decision especially since he said he wasnt talking about the minute i move in lol.
Then while I was at the library today killing time I get a phone call from the bank needing information from my new job. Called HR an was on hold for a half hour and they had no idea what the hell i was talking about. So i had to log onto a computer and make another call and FINALLY i got the information my mortgage lady needs.
Thank god that I'm not crazy and the stress and anxiety can be taken care of with medication. But damn Im not used to having to use it daily lol. Oh and from my understanding this should be 99% done in 14 business days.
Holy fuck buckets....my life acts like its on speed and i just cant keep up lol. But ooo it looks like everything is going to work out and Mae and I will be in our own house for the holidays and it will be just us and we will see how we interact as a family of 2.
Hope everyone else is taking care of themselves and being good to themselves! For most of you the week is almost over mine is just starting up again lol.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Closer
OMG seriously the hoops that I have had to jump through to even get to this point are amazing. Add to that my selfishness in asking people with troubles in their own lives to add me to their prayer list it's even greater. Then remember somewhere, maybe Dawn's blog, I asked about divine intervention. Well I'm going to take it as some sort of divine intervention because the other night at work Father David from my church came through my line.
Yesterday we consumed a BIG bottle of wine because of some of those hoops. They had to send out for a supplimental credit report because of my stupid student loan that I have been too poor to have payments set on. Equifax needed to do a conference call with me because they were unable to get any answers from my insurance and sell phone provider. Add to that Progressive who I just dropped last year because they raised my rates.
It was PRICELESS the amount of times I watched my mother's jaw drop when she found out that yes when I said I was paying my bills lol I was actually paying my bills....ON TIME no less lol. Ooo it was great lol she even admitted she thought I hadnt been paying on time. Hey I don't blame her, with as much partying as I was able to do. But as my friend said today...you've always budgeted what you had. And if I only had 10 bucks that meant I only had 10 bucks lol.
The worst part about the calls was the guy had an accent and some of the people we talked with on speaker didn't understand him and I had to interrupt for them lol. Then at Progressive they couldn't find any information about me. I was with them for 5 years up til September. I made several folders awhile ago in my email because I got tired of trying to delete stuff and keep important stuff. Thank god I saved one email from progressive with my policy number and bam we were on our way lol.
So today I fell to the floor right outside the bathroom door after a phone call. I was getting ready to go to a dental appointment and my dad and I were talking. At this point in time....I have preapproval for my loan! They have to have it appraised but we're thinking that that won't be a problem because the loan is a very small amount....Ok not that small but in the housing market a small amount.
Today I had to go running all over hell and back; which I'll be doing tomorrow as well, to get the many pieces of paper we needed. Had to go to child support recovery to get a record of the payments that the kids dad has consistantly paid. It's the one thing I can thank him for! Tomorrow I have to go back to the court house and get a copy of the actual court order for the child support. I found my diploma from college along with my transcripts; yet another thing I'm glad I actually kept lol.
Sooo it looks like I owe EVERYONE a big thank you for putting aside your own lives for the moments that you took to think of Mae and I and for your positive influence and thoughts sent out. Because we are soooooo close to having this house.
This house is perfect! This house is the one Mae loves. We love it and for the two of us it will be great! Not huge or anything but perfect for my little family. Ooooo I am trying to not get too excited because whenever I get excited something happens. But it's so perfect that if for some reason Katie wanted to spend an extended period of time with us...all we'd have to do is put a bed up in the basement for her because it's a beautiful basement that can be used as a family room, card room, drinking room....whatever we would need.
Thank you EVERYONE who thought good for us....it is appreciated....Now to get through the appraisal and finding insurance!
Sorry I've been absent but I havn't wanted to say anything because very superstitious am I lol I didnt want to jinx anything and I hope this didnt do that lol.
Yesterday we consumed a BIG bottle of wine because of some of those hoops. They had to send out for a supplimental credit report because of my stupid student loan that I have been too poor to have payments set on. Equifax needed to do a conference call with me because they were unable to get any answers from my insurance and sell phone provider. Add to that Progressive who I just dropped last year because they raised my rates.
It was PRICELESS the amount of times I watched my mother's jaw drop when she found out that yes when I said I was paying my bills lol I was actually paying my bills....ON TIME no less lol. Ooo it was great lol she even admitted she thought I hadnt been paying on time. Hey I don't blame her, with as much partying as I was able to do. But as my friend said today...you've always budgeted what you had. And if I only had 10 bucks that meant I only had 10 bucks lol.
The worst part about the calls was the guy had an accent and some of the people we talked with on speaker didn't understand him and I had to interrupt for them lol. Then at Progressive they couldn't find any information about me. I was with them for 5 years up til September. I made several folders awhile ago in my email because I got tired of trying to delete stuff and keep important stuff. Thank god I saved one email from progressive with my policy number and bam we were on our way lol.
So today I fell to the floor right outside the bathroom door after a phone call. I was getting ready to go to a dental appointment and my dad and I were talking. At this point in time....I have preapproval for my loan! They have to have it appraised but we're thinking that that won't be a problem because the loan is a very small amount....Ok not that small but in the housing market a small amount.
Today I had to go running all over hell and back; which I'll be doing tomorrow as well, to get the many pieces of paper we needed. Had to go to child support recovery to get a record of the payments that the kids dad has consistantly paid. It's the one thing I can thank him for! Tomorrow I have to go back to the court house and get a copy of the actual court order for the child support. I found my diploma from college along with my transcripts; yet another thing I'm glad I actually kept lol.
Sooo it looks like I owe EVERYONE a big thank you for putting aside your own lives for the moments that you took to think of Mae and I and for your positive influence and thoughts sent out. Because we are soooooo close to having this house.
This house is perfect! This house is the one Mae loves. We love it and for the two of us it will be great! Not huge or anything but perfect for my little family. Ooooo I am trying to not get too excited because whenever I get excited something happens. But it's so perfect that if for some reason Katie wanted to spend an extended period of time with us...all we'd have to do is put a bed up in the basement for her because it's a beautiful basement that can be used as a family room, card room, drinking room....whatever we would need.
Thank you EVERYONE who thought good for us....it is appreciated....Now to get through the appraisal and finding insurance!
Sorry I've been absent but I havn't wanted to say anything because very superstitious am I lol I didnt want to jinx anything and I hope this didnt do that lol.
Friday, August 19, 2011
WOW!
I read and watch a ton of true crime. One of them that Ive been interested in and just got done rereading was about the West Memphis 3. 3 boys who were railroaded and convicted because they were into the wrong kind of music(my opinion). After seeing the documentaries and reading numerous book and articles about them today I got a shock.
I got online to check my email and it said they were released. I dont know them, Ive never written them, Ive only read about them and visited their website but I was whooping and hollering because they were finally freed!
Yes I agree with Jason that having to say they were guilty to get out was shitty and wrong and they should have just gotten a new trial. However he took Damien's life into consideration because the state of Arkansas was trying to put him to death and took the deal. The defense attorney was right on, in my opinon, that the state wouldnt have let them out if they thought they were guilty at this point.
But after all the publicity, all the public documents, all the appeals....and in the enlightened age of 2011(sarcasm) I agree that there is no way they could have retried these men because noone in their right mind could find them guilty and never should have!
Jesse's confession was so screwed up that he basically had to be lead by the hand to get to the right times and circumstances of the crime to get a confession. Worse yet is that he was denied legal counsel and add on top of that his mental capacity.
Ooo what a wonderful day for their families and friends! It may have taken nearly 20 years, but finally they are free and I hope that some day they are able to totally clear their names because I know I am not alone in my opinion of these men were railroaded and did not get a fair trial and now they finally can go home!
Many prayers were answered today and Im glad theirs was heard!
I got online to check my email and it said they were released. I dont know them, Ive never written them, Ive only read about them and visited their website but I was whooping and hollering because they were finally freed!
Yes I agree with Jason that having to say they were guilty to get out was shitty and wrong and they should have just gotten a new trial. However he took Damien's life into consideration because the state of Arkansas was trying to put him to death and took the deal. The defense attorney was right on, in my opinon, that the state wouldnt have let them out if they thought they were guilty at this point.
But after all the publicity, all the public documents, all the appeals....and in the enlightened age of 2011(sarcasm) I agree that there is no way they could have retried these men because noone in their right mind could find them guilty and never should have!
Jesse's confession was so screwed up that he basically had to be lead by the hand to get to the right times and circumstances of the crime to get a confession. Worse yet is that he was denied legal counsel and add on top of that his mental capacity.
Ooo what a wonderful day for their families and friends! It may have taken nearly 20 years, but finally they are free and I hope that some day they are able to totally clear their names because I know I am not alone in my opinion of these men were railroaded and did not get a fair trial and now they finally can go home!
Many prayers were answered today and Im glad theirs was heard!
Maybe Monday
The bottom line is I have a new job! That and Mae have to be my focus! Today is Mae's first day of kindergarten. Though I got screwed out of my first day without her lol. She has a 1pm dr's appointment and my new glasses are in lol. Damn here I thought I was going to be able to come home, turn on tv and sleep for several hours lol. So maybe monday!
Monday....we all hate that day but for me Monday means only having to get through Tuesday to have a day off. I have 5 days straight at the new job because I picked up a shift already! Yay me! And then Monday is also the day we find out if we get a new house or not.
I appreciate everyone who is praying for us! Especially since we all have shit going on in our lives that makes it hard to have hope for ourselves let alone anyone else. St Joseph...funny how when Dawn brought him up we had a bit more hope. She brought him up to me on the 17th, my Uncle was a Joseph, and his birthday is the 17th of september lol. Um its really hard to not take this as a sign. Because we all know that just because its a sign doesnt mean its a good one.
I go to church and I pray for everyone else. The only thing I usually pray for for myself is help with being a better mother, daughter, friend, and girlfriend. I don't pray for things to happen for myself. I think this Sunday if I get to church(have to work Sunday) I will be praying for this to happen for Mae and me. It will make our lives that much better and will give me more purpose for getting my ass to work.
Though I must admit getting my ass to work isn't a problem. No matter the job I have always gotten myself to work. Sitting around on my ass and collecting a check for nothing isnt my thing. I was going crazy when I was on disability. Yeah getting a check every week was nice, but thats not the same as going out and actually earning money.
So today I am focused not on the loan that I am having a hard time holding onto faith and hope of getting, but on my new job! Focusing on the constants in my life. My crazy wonderful terror of a daughter who starts at her " catholic school" today, and the fact that I need to get fast on the register so I can get more hours at the new job! And to get good enough to not have a freakin trainer and be on my own!
Here's to Monday and everyone having a great weekend!
Monday....we all hate that day but for me Monday means only having to get through Tuesday to have a day off. I have 5 days straight at the new job because I picked up a shift already! Yay me! And then Monday is also the day we find out if we get a new house or not.
I appreciate everyone who is praying for us! Especially since we all have shit going on in our lives that makes it hard to have hope for ourselves let alone anyone else. St Joseph...funny how when Dawn brought him up we had a bit more hope. She brought him up to me on the 17th, my Uncle was a Joseph, and his birthday is the 17th of september lol. Um its really hard to not take this as a sign. Because we all know that just because its a sign doesnt mean its a good one.
I go to church and I pray for everyone else. The only thing I usually pray for for myself is help with being a better mother, daughter, friend, and girlfriend. I don't pray for things to happen for myself. I think this Sunday if I get to church(have to work Sunday) I will be praying for this to happen for Mae and me. It will make our lives that much better and will give me more purpose for getting my ass to work.
Though I must admit getting my ass to work isn't a problem. No matter the job I have always gotten myself to work. Sitting around on my ass and collecting a check for nothing isnt my thing. I was going crazy when I was on disability. Yeah getting a check every week was nice, but thats not the same as going out and actually earning money.
So today I am focused not on the loan that I am having a hard time holding onto faith and hope of getting, but on my new job! Focusing on the constants in my life. My crazy wonderful terror of a daughter who starts at her " catholic school" today, and the fact that I need to get fast on the register so I can get more hours at the new job! And to get good enough to not have a freakin trainer and be on my own!
Here's to Monday and everyone having a great weekend!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Happy Birthday!
So this is about 8 hours early for my girly and at least 3 hours early for Dawns girl...BUT happy birthday to the two beautiful birthday girls!
Two mothers who never knew what was in store for them, but totally love their kiddos even with all the trials n tribulations that have surrounded both stories!
Two beautiful girls share the same day and both are so special that they don't make helmets big enough for the situation! :)
Two girls who have brought love and joy to the lives of so many and both don't even know how much their lives have made others better!
So tonight instead of worrying about the BIG issue in my life at this moment...Im going to rejoice in the fact that Dawn and I have two beautiful girls who are celebrating a birthday tomorrow and be thankful that we have them in our lives!
Two mothers who never knew what was in store for them, but totally love their kiddos even with all the trials n tribulations that have surrounded both stories!
Two beautiful girls share the same day and both are so special that they don't make helmets big enough for the situation! :)
Two girls who have brought love and joy to the lives of so many and both don't even know how much their lives have made others better!
So tonight instead of worrying about the BIG issue in my life at this moment...Im going to rejoice in the fact that Dawn and I have two beautiful girls who are celebrating a birthday tomorrow and be thankful that we have them in our lives!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Wednesday came early
Have I mentioned at all that he's a real man? Doesn't hit, doesn't scream, doesn't go ballistic and then comes over so we can talk and try to figure things out. Work things out. Get things back on track. Though I know some people have reading comprehension problems, to those I say go back and get your education.
He came over tonight and we talked, cuddled on the couch, talked about other stuff, untangled a necklace and went over my schedule and found out that with WM we will be able to actually plan things.
I broke the no sex rule lol but that was only after a lot of hugging, couple hours of snuggling on the couch and while trying to say good bye lol we did lots of huggin n kissin lol.
He wasn't going to cuz it would make me feel bad cuz of some other issues we had talked about. Told him this was the exception...make up sex! I have never had make up sex that didn't result from physical violence. And let me tell you what! It was some good fucking sex!
We figured out that it was both our faults for the way I have been feeling and what is actually going on with us. We want to be together. When we are together we dont argue or fight. It's when we go days and weeks without physcially laying eyes on each other that it goes craptastic.
But get us together and we're all good. Hell not only did I miss him Mae missed him. She got up when she heard him and wanted to hug and kiss him. He is doing a good job with her and she got her hug and kiss.
We went over my schedule and we figured out when to see each other, what possible days he can stay over and he may actually get talked to at work because of all the overtime he put in that wasn't approved. I told him I get that you cant pass up 20 bucks n hour but seriously dont answer the phone lol.
The best part of him coming over was being on the couch. Watching tv curled all up on him and just being together. I told him this is what we have to do even if we have to do it with my mom and watch tv. I promised no bridezillas lol.
He loves me, i love him...but i dont know how to make things work when there isnt the threat of physical violence.
I knew he was different when I met him...wish i could quickly get over my issues so we can just enjoy what we have. We went a little overboard with the sex when it first started happening and i let it happen. now we know what we have to do and what we have as expectations.
Can you belive i was going to let a real man, a good man slip through my fingers because I'm not used to being with a real man! Someone slap me...ooo wait he already pulled my hair and gave me sex hair lol i think that counts.
This blog brought to you by the night time meds that make me sleepy and loopy lol...good thing they dont kick in right away lol or makeup sex would have been delayed if it even got off the ground! Did I mention he was hesitant cuz he didn't want me to feel bad...thats a good man!
He came over tonight and we talked, cuddled on the couch, talked about other stuff, untangled a necklace and went over my schedule and found out that with WM we will be able to actually plan things.
I broke the no sex rule lol but that was only after a lot of hugging, couple hours of snuggling on the couch and while trying to say good bye lol we did lots of huggin n kissin lol.
He wasn't going to cuz it would make me feel bad cuz of some other issues we had talked about. Told him this was the exception...make up sex! I have never had make up sex that didn't result from physical violence. And let me tell you what! It was some good fucking sex!
We figured out that it was both our faults for the way I have been feeling and what is actually going on with us. We want to be together. When we are together we dont argue or fight. It's when we go days and weeks without physcially laying eyes on each other that it goes craptastic.
But get us together and we're all good. Hell not only did I miss him Mae missed him. She got up when she heard him and wanted to hug and kiss him. He is doing a good job with her and she got her hug and kiss.
We went over my schedule and we figured out when to see each other, what possible days he can stay over and he may actually get talked to at work because of all the overtime he put in that wasn't approved. I told him I get that you cant pass up 20 bucks n hour but seriously dont answer the phone lol.
The best part of him coming over was being on the couch. Watching tv curled all up on him and just being together. I told him this is what we have to do even if we have to do it with my mom and watch tv. I promised no bridezillas lol.
He loves me, i love him...but i dont know how to make things work when there isnt the threat of physical violence.
I knew he was different when I met him...wish i could quickly get over my issues so we can just enjoy what we have. We went a little overboard with the sex when it first started happening and i let it happen. now we know what we have to do and what we have as expectations.
Can you belive i was going to let a real man, a good man slip through my fingers because I'm not used to being with a real man! Someone slap me...ooo wait he already pulled my hair and gave me sex hair lol i think that counts.
This blog brought to you by the night time meds that make me sleepy and loopy lol...good thing they dont kick in right away lol or makeup sex would have been delayed if it even got off the ground! Did I mention he was hesitant cuz he didn't want me to feel bad...thats a good man!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Wednesday
I'm giving myself til Wednesday to decide if I still have a boyfriend or not. Tonight was just another disappointment and I'm tired of being disappointed.
I know it's wrong of me to feel this way and I know he has to work. It's just a seriously shitty thing whenever we try to get together to do anything his work interfers. Someone can't come in and he loses his day off. Saturday night and the next shift can't make it in on time. He can't leave on time or he loses his job. So I can't expect that and I don't. BUT I can choose to continue on this way or to not.
I do love him, I love how it is when we're together. However, I don't like feeling like I'm an option. I have Mae to think about. I have me to think about. I have a new job that already is paying me more than I was making. I have a schedule that I can plan things around. I want to see him. I don't want an online relationship or a texting relationship.
I'm a grown woman and I want to see my guy. I want to feel my guy. I want to look into my guy's eyes. As it stands right now I havn't physically seen him in almost two weeks. Sure I've texted and talked to him. For me, I don't think it's enough.
We have plans to meet up on Wednesday. I'm seriously betting that it doesn't happen. I'm betting that he gets halfway here again and has to turn around to get ready for work.
Sure I may being unreasonable, but really I'm a girl who has to have contact with my guy. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back which is a first lol, but I just feel like an option and not a girlfriend.
So at the moment I'm in limbo as I try to figure out if I want to try to make this work out, or if I want to say fuck it and just end it. Sadly I don't want to end it, but the no contact except by phone is getting old. I need to see him, be held by him, hold him, feed him all the things that you do in a relationship.
Leave it to me to end a good thing because I'm selfish. But Wednesday will tell.
I know it's wrong of me to feel this way and I know he has to work. It's just a seriously shitty thing whenever we try to get together to do anything his work interfers. Someone can't come in and he loses his day off. Saturday night and the next shift can't make it in on time. He can't leave on time or he loses his job. So I can't expect that and I don't. BUT I can choose to continue on this way or to not.
I do love him, I love how it is when we're together. However, I don't like feeling like I'm an option. I have Mae to think about. I have me to think about. I have a new job that already is paying me more than I was making. I have a schedule that I can plan things around. I want to see him. I don't want an online relationship or a texting relationship.
I'm a grown woman and I want to see my guy. I want to feel my guy. I want to look into my guy's eyes. As it stands right now I havn't physically seen him in almost two weeks. Sure I've texted and talked to him. For me, I don't think it's enough.
We have plans to meet up on Wednesday. I'm seriously betting that it doesn't happen. I'm betting that he gets halfway here again and has to turn around to get ready for work.
Sure I may being unreasonable, but really I'm a girl who has to have contact with my guy. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back which is a first lol, but I just feel like an option and not a girlfriend.
So at the moment I'm in limbo as I try to figure out if I want to try to make this work out, or if I want to say fuck it and just end it. Sadly I don't want to end it, but the no contact except by phone is getting old. I need to see him, be held by him, hold him, feed him all the things that you do in a relationship.
Leave it to me to end a good thing because I'm selfish. But Wednesday will tell.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Sometimes Happy Sucks
I had a fantastic day; well, lunch sucked. It was an easy orientation and I need to get out the pill splitter out and quarter up a few xanex. This is a job that I'm glad I have the option of medicating lol. The orientation lady looked one way at the begining of the day and at the end if I didn't know better I'd think she wasn't a very nice person lol.
OMG lol this has the potential to be fun. Going to suck because it's work but at least I won't be greasy and nasty looking. I can wear different shirts, not just tshirts. I have the option of polos and other shirts that are the correct color. I also will be looking for denim khaki colored pants. If I would have known we could have brown or that color denim lol I'd have been looking for some brown jeans lol. So we all know what I'll be looking for on the clearence rack.
It was also reaffirmed that I'm not a thief. They told us a way that people steal things and I was like wow...never would have thought to do that. Yay for not being a thief lol. Basically everything is common sense at this point. Saturday starts the training portion of our game.
Money! OMG I will have 2 huge(ish) checks. I haven't even seen the rhealm of huge(ish) in over 2 years. Sadly lol I only get about a 75 dollars every two weeks; this is up though from the 58 bucks i did have in that same amount of time. Tips weren' always good but they helped lol. I have my fingers crossed that I don't have to pick up shifts at the sub shop but if I do at least it's weekly money.
As you can probably tell I had a pretty good day. That does not include several margarita's and conversation with friends and my mom. Ooo it was a good day for me. Went to work, drinks after work, kid in the pool, so you think you can dance(do they win anything?), and now a quiet house.
The part of happy that sucks is that the boyfriend has a seriously craptastic day. I have no idea how to get into the right mode to deal with that. I had a great day and Im selfish I want to enjoy my day. I tried to be supportive but i just couldnt do the whole wallow pity thing. Im happy!
So lol his day sucked mine was great and I cant talk to him about it cuz his day sucked lol.
anyways the day has caught up wih me and my bed sounds really good. Ooo Brenda-Dawn: there really is an answer/explanation to the pic text I sent you lol WooooHooooo margaritas and a good work day!
OMG lol this has the potential to be fun. Going to suck because it's work but at least I won't be greasy and nasty looking. I can wear different shirts, not just tshirts. I have the option of polos and other shirts that are the correct color. I also will be looking for denim khaki colored pants. If I would have known we could have brown or that color denim lol I'd have been looking for some brown jeans lol. So we all know what I'll be looking for on the clearence rack.
It was also reaffirmed that I'm not a thief. They told us a way that people steal things and I was like wow...never would have thought to do that. Yay for not being a thief lol. Basically everything is common sense at this point. Saturday starts the training portion of our game.
Money! OMG I will have 2 huge(ish) checks. I haven't even seen the rhealm of huge(ish) in over 2 years. Sadly lol I only get about a 75 dollars every two weeks; this is up though from the 58 bucks i did have in that same amount of time. Tips weren' always good but they helped lol. I have my fingers crossed that I don't have to pick up shifts at the sub shop but if I do at least it's weekly money.
As you can probably tell I had a pretty good day. That does not include several margarita's and conversation with friends and my mom. Ooo it was a good day for me. Went to work, drinks after work, kid in the pool, so you think you can dance(do they win anything?), and now a quiet house.
The part of happy that sucks is that the boyfriend has a seriously craptastic day. I have no idea how to get into the right mode to deal with that. I had a great day and Im selfish I want to enjoy my day. I tried to be supportive but i just couldnt do the whole wallow pity thing. Im happy!
So lol his day sucked mine was great and I cant talk to him about it cuz his day sucked lol.
anyways the day has caught up wih me and my bed sounds really good. Ooo Brenda-Dawn: there really is an answer/explanation to the pic text I sent you lol WooooHooooo margaritas and a good work day!
It's Thursday!
Of course I'm up an hour before the alarm is supposed to go off lol but that's ok I can blog, veg out, grab some food, and just chill til I have to get ready for orientation.
Though I must admit yesterday was another epic fail in the epic failness of my life lol. We had plans yesterday. Grill, movies, real popcorn, chill out on the couch together with Mae.
I get a phone call and guess what? Yup he got called into work. Half way here and he gets called into work. I let him vent his heart out and told him I couldn't really say anything because anything i would add would just make the situation worse.
We just want to hang together, hell he's even ok with me saying no sex. Life however keeps conspiring against us to keep us apart. When we were talking yesterday I told him I know you're not ready to move in together and I'm not quite ready but jesus that's begining to look like the only way we will ever get to spend any time together is if we live together.
This sucks here I have this perfectly nice boyfriend and life/work/my attitude is keeping us apart. Soooo tired of it lol.
Hopefully with my new job we will finally be able to spend some time together.
Other than that the day was ok. I pissed off my kid by making her stay outside all day, grilled huge burgers and chicken breasts and had 2 strawberry margaritas, and read a book. Pretty good day until my mom who drives me crazy sometimes came home and wouldnt shut up. I popped a xanex and life was better lol.
Anyways now youre all updated on whats going on in my crazy ass world lol Bring on new work craziness cuz you know Im going to have stories about walmart lol.
Though I must admit yesterday was another epic fail in the epic failness of my life lol. We had plans yesterday. Grill, movies, real popcorn, chill out on the couch together with Mae.
I get a phone call and guess what? Yup he got called into work. Half way here and he gets called into work. I let him vent his heart out and told him I couldn't really say anything because anything i would add would just make the situation worse.
We just want to hang together, hell he's even ok with me saying no sex. Life however keeps conspiring against us to keep us apart. When we were talking yesterday I told him I know you're not ready to move in together and I'm not quite ready but jesus that's begining to look like the only way we will ever get to spend any time together is if we live together.
This sucks here I have this perfectly nice boyfriend and life/work/my attitude is keeping us apart. Soooo tired of it lol.
Hopefully with my new job we will finally be able to spend some time together.
Other than that the day was ok. I pissed off my kid by making her stay outside all day, grilled huge burgers and chicken breasts and had 2 strawberry margaritas, and read a book. Pretty good day until my mom who drives me crazy sometimes came home and wouldnt shut up. I popped a xanex and life was better lol.
Anyways now youre all updated on whats going on in my crazy ass world lol Bring on new work craziness cuz you know Im going to have stories about walmart lol.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Starting with a Rat Bastard
10 minutes ago I was asleep. Sound sound sound asleep. Then the RatBastard Vinnie woke me up. Now it would be one thing if it was the medicated sleep sex thing lol but no Vinnie is the 13lb cat. What the hell he wanted I have no fucking clue but once I'm up it takes me a minute to get back to sleep no matter what unless I'm drunk. And trust me I don't need the drunk lol.
So last Thursday! Let me tell you what! I got home from work and my mom was still up and thats unusual. Well turns out that my dad has decided he isn't coming back to this house ever. Fast forward to about this same time last Thursday my mom is standing in my doorway telling me my dad has decided he's living at the lake and not coming here.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOk wtf is going on? Did my dad just leave my mom...OVER FUCKING MONEY? All because she was upset and needed him to be with her to put my grandpa's house in her name. When it was all said and done he was upset because he thought she thought he was only worth 20%. His kids were getting shafted, my grandpa didnt do this or that, and it was just stupid and wrong. He slept on it and Friday he was back to everything is ok and well mom was hurt and I had picked my side.
What the hell happened to my dad I don't know but him and my mom were not at a good place. But over the weekend it got better and while she's still hurt; he did apologize and explain whatever he was feeling to her.
Good lord and I thought I had fucking issues.
Now lets fast forward to a day that hasn't even happened yet! Thursday of this week! I will be sitting my butt at WallyWorld from 930 to 5 for ORIENTATION!!! I was supposed to go to the boyfriends tonight and not come back til Friday for my eye doctor appointment. But nope now we are changing plans and doing burgers and movie day tomorrow. Seriously everytime we try to get together either I end up having to be talked into going cuz i change my mind lol or he has to work. Now its my turn to have work screw it up lol. Eventually we will get it right.
Please let me get back to ni ni land without too much trouble and if you see a breaking headline about an iowa girl who is in jail for animal abuse/torture dont be surprised if you see a picture of me cuz as much as i love that rat bastard vinnie(pictures on facebook) this waking me up shit has got to stop lol hell i wasnt even getting up to go potty lol but on the other side i was up enough to tell my dad what i told my mom lol. Unplug the digital box, hook up the reg cable and if you have sound then call the cable company cuz its their equipment not yours. Good lord i feel bad for the CSR that gets my mom tomorrow lol.
And damn it ..... i am not putting up lights! I hate putting up the christmas tree, but Mae is a willing volunteer and she takes instruction semi well though i think she'd prefer to hang with Taylor.
So last Thursday! Let me tell you what! I got home from work and my mom was still up and thats unusual. Well turns out that my dad has decided he isn't coming back to this house ever. Fast forward to about this same time last Thursday my mom is standing in my doorway telling me my dad has decided he's living at the lake and not coming here.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOk wtf is going on? Did my dad just leave my mom...OVER FUCKING MONEY? All because she was upset and needed him to be with her to put my grandpa's house in her name. When it was all said and done he was upset because he thought she thought he was only worth 20%. His kids were getting shafted, my grandpa didnt do this or that, and it was just stupid and wrong. He slept on it and Friday he was back to everything is ok and well mom was hurt and I had picked my side.
What the hell happened to my dad I don't know but him and my mom were not at a good place. But over the weekend it got better and while she's still hurt; he did apologize and explain whatever he was feeling to her.
Good lord and I thought I had fucking issues.
Now lets fast forward to a day that hasn't even happened yet! Thursday of this week! I will be sitting my butt at WallyWorld from 930 to 5 for ORIENTATION!!! I was supposed to go to the boyfriends tonight and not come back til Friday for my eye doctor appointment. But nope now we are changing plans and doing burgers and movie day tomorrow. Seriously everytime we try to get together either I end up having to be talked into going cuz i change my mind lol or he has to work. Now its my turn to have work screw it up lol. Eventually we will get it right.
Please let me get back to ni ni land without too much trouble and if you see a breaking headline about an iowa girl who is in jail for animal abuse/torture dont be surprised if you see a picture of me cuz as much as i love that rat bastard vinnie(pictures on facebook) this waking me up shit has got to stop lol hell i wasnt even getting up to go potty lol but on the other side i was up enough to tell my dad what i told my mom lol. Unplug the digital box, hook up the reg cable and if you have sound then call the cable company cuz its their equipment not yours. Good lord i feel bad for the CSR that gets my mom tomorrow lol.
And damn it ..... i am not putting up lights! I hate putting up the christmas tree, but Mae is a willing volunteer and she takes instruction semi well though i think she'd prefer to hang with Taylor.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Explaining Absent
One of the nice things about ambien is that I still get up to go potty. I don't have to change my sheets the next day because I was so zonked that I didn't get up. Yes with all the side effects they warn about I was concerned about that when I first tried ambien lol. So I think now we will add nighttime blogging to that list lol.
Im one of those people who when they wake up it still takes me a minute to zonk back out, unless of course I'm completly drunk. Tonight I'm just xanexed and ambiened lol and I have enough left in me to blog. When I wake up at about this time, I must confess I become a Dawn stalker. I know when she publishes her blog and lol sometimes I can save it for morning and most times the only reason(when I wake up like this) I get to read it is cuz I just can't save it. I always save Brenda's blog to read last out of all the other shit I read because well hers is one;like Dawns that I look forward to reading. No matter what the content thats just how it is.
Can you see the drugs in effect lol I still haven't gotten to the Title of the blog yet lol, but I'm getting there lol.
If you notice my blog is kind of bipolar. I on the other hand am not. It's been one of the things about me that has had a line drawn through it cuz it's not me. I do however have depression. Depression as we all know; cuz the commercial tells us so, hurts. Sometimes I forget that I have depression and like an addict I don't see my downhill slide into that abyss.
We all know that sleep deprivation can kill; it can also send you to the psych ward(remember 2010 with Grandpa lol) and for me the depression sometimes shows up not only in mood issues, control issues, but sleep issues which fuels the mood and control issues. Control issues I mean of controlling myself and knowing that I'm ok and thankfully prozac has helped with the depression and the multitude of issues that comes with that.
However, with that said, the one thing I don't really see coming until it's too late is lack of sleeping. I find myself up til all hours, my mind doesn't shut off, I can't function in family or societal situations because I'm not sleeping. 2 hour intervals of sleep with an hour or two up, and two hours down...that's not sleep.
When I don't sleep it's like I'm out there functioning but barely holding onto myself. I start to feel out of control, I fight to keep myself grounded and eventually I start to feel crazy as hell. Crazy to the point of my friends are afraid I'm going to kill myself, my mom asks if I need to check myself into the hospital, and my poor Mae she ends up with a mom on the couch who just can't move.
It got to the point(the no sleeping) that I was literally taking handfuls of xanex at night to sleep. While that worked for a little bit, it doesn't last. Thankfully the day I did my Absent post was a therapy day. That poor woman got unloaded on and when I described how out of control I had been feeling, how I just wasn't feeling "right" and was I bipolar, was I this, why was I manic and then down. The answer was actually told to me the day before by another friend of mine. She told me it was anxiety. Well that day I could belive it because I had a massive anxiety attack right as I was supposed to start using the slicer lol.Popped part of a xanex for the anxiety and it took about an hour for me to get back to me.
So when I'm telling everything to my therapist she reassures me that its not any of the multitude of mental illness's I had listed but good old fashioned anxiety topped off with me not sleeping. I wasn't going crazy I wasn't sleeping. Well jeez why does it always take another person to make you see what was right in front of you.
I've been like this before and the lack of sleep makes me nuts. I want to cry, scream, break things, hurt people(not physically), and want to get all the good in my life away from me. My poor boyfriend got a text with good news your gf isnt crazy she just needs a nap.
So Thursday(there was drama there I'll get to that in another blog) came along and my friend brought me an oxycodone and 2 muscle relaxers. I took those and by midnight I was RELAXED, ask dawn i think she got a text lol, and bed called my name. I answered the call. Drama happened 2 hours later(next blog) but I got back to sleep and woke up feeling like myself again. Damn sleep is a good thing. Friday night I took the ambien and got yet another good nights sleep only to have the previously blogged about Saturday drama.
I'm working on getting back to sleeping and sleeping is a good thing. The boyfriend now knows that if I start acting psycho to put my ass to bed lol and if that doesnt work then worry lol. Because seriously sleep deprivation makes you nuts, it can kill you, it can make you think crazy things especially when you already have serious depression.
Im working on the depression, Im doing much better than I was 2 years ago at this time. Which I am greatful for. I have changed patterns and habits in my life and am in a much better place.
Especially when you find out....You're not crazy...you just need a nap! Ahhh my bed here I come!
****this blog brought to you courtesy of ambien and xanex****
Im one of those people who when they wake up it still takes me a minute to zonk back out, unless of course I'm completly drunk. Tonight I'm just xanexed and ambiened lol and I have enough left in me to blog. When I wake up at about this time, I must confess I become a Dawn stalker. I know when she publishes her blog and lol sometimes I can save it for morning and most times the only reason(when I wake up like this) I get to read it is cuz I just can't save it. I always save Brenda's blog to read last out of all the other shit I read because well hers is one;like Dawns that I look forward to reading. No matter what the content thats just how it is.
Can you see the drugs in effect lol I still haven't gotten to the Title of the blog yet lol, but I'm getting there lol.
If you notice my blog is kind of bipolar. I on the other hand am not. It's been one of the things about me that has had a line drawn through it cuz it's not me. I do however have depression. Depression as we all know; cuz the commercial tells us so, hurts. Sometimes I forget that I have depression and like an addict I don't see my downhill slide into that abyss.
We all know that sleep deprivation can kill; it can also send you to the psych ward(remember 2010 with Grandpa lol) and for me the depression sometimes shows up not only in mood issues, control issues, but sleep issues which fuels the mood and control issues. Control issues I mean of controlling myself and knowing that I'm ok and thankfully prozac has helped with the depression and the multitude of issues that comes with that.
However, with that said, the one thing I don't really see coming until it's too late is lack of sleeping. I find myself up til all hours, my mind doesn't shut off, I can't function in family or societal situations because I'm not sleeping. 2 hour intervals of sleep with an hour or two up, and two hours down...that's not sleep.
When I don't sleep it's like I'm out there functioning but barely holding onto myself. I start to feel out of control, I fight to keep myself grounded and eventually I start to feel crazy as hell. Crazy to the point of my friends are afraid I'm going to kill myself, my mom asks if I need to check myself into the hospital, and my poor Mae she ends up with a mom on the couch who just can't move.
It got to the point(the no sleeping) that I was literally taking handfuls of xanex at night to sleep. While that worked for a little bit, it doesn't last. Thankfully the day I did my Absent post was a therapy day. That poor woman got unloaded on and when I described how out of control I had been feeling, how I just wasn't feeling "right" and was I bipolar, was I this, why was I manic and then down. The answer was actually told to me the day before by another friend of mine. She told me it was anxiety. Well that day I could belive it because I had a massive anxiety attack right as I was supposed to start using the slicer lol.Popped part of a xanex for the anxiety and it took about an hour for me to get back to me.
So when I'm telling everything to my therapist she reassures me that its not any of the multitude of mental illness's I had listed but good old fashioned anxiety topped off with me not sleeping. I wasn't going crazy I wasn't sleeping. Well jeez why does it always take another person to make you see what was right in front of you.
I've been like this before and the lack of sleep makes me nuts. I want to cry, scream, break things, hurt people(not physically), and want to get all the good in my life away from me. My poor boyfriend got a text with good news your gf isnt crazy she just needs a nap.
So Thursday(there was drama there I'll get to that in another blog) came along and my friend brought me an oxycodone and 2 muscle relaxers. I took those and by midnight I was RELAXED, ask dawn i think she got a text lol, and bed called my name. I answered the call. Drama happened 2 hours later(next blog) but I got back to sleep and woke up feeling like myself again. Damn sleep is a good thing. Friday night I took the ambien and got yet another good nights sleep only to have the previously blogged about Saturday drama.
I'm working on getting back to sleeping and sleeping is a good thing. The boyfriend now knows that if I start acting psycho to put my ass to bed lol and if that doesnt work then worry lol. Because seriously sleep deprivation makes you nuts, it can kill you, it can make you think crazy things especially when you already have serious depression.
Im working on the depression, Im doing much better than I was 2 years ago at this time. Which I am greatful for. I have changed patterns and habits in my life and am in a much better place.
Especially when you find out....You're not crazy...you just need a nap! Ahhh my bed here I come!
****this blog brought to you courtesy of ambien and xanex****
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Epic Fail
Never let it be said that when I fucke up I do it small. Today was supposed to be orientation for me at WalMart. Instead it ended with me back home within an hour, crying my eyes out, shaking so hard, and having a giant ass anxiety attack. Which in turn led me to 2 xanex and a text to my mommy and daddy asking if I could watch tv in their room.
The one thing I was totally sure of was that my social security card was in my wallet. Either one didn't matter but it was supposed to be in my wallet.
Got to WalMart and was asked for 2 forms of id and wouldn't you know it....no social security card. Every fucking thing else in the free world but no ssc! They can take a reciept from SS but um they aren't open on Saturdays.
So I texted my mom, and did really well and didnt lose it til I was out of the store. Then had to badger my great aunt to see if we were going to church tomorrow lol. She said well if your depressed and i was like maybe i need church if im depressed. Her daughter was in town and we hemmed and hawed and I ended the conversation with sometimes its hard to get an answer and we laughed. Though I must say it was nice to hear how great I look, since my cousin hasnt seen me in a bit and not since Ive lost weight lol. I dont see what others see so I rely on them to tell me Im ok lol and im ok lol.
BUT i did come home, crying my eyes out, cleaning everything out and up and still no ssc. 2 xanex later and a text to my mom asking if i could watch good tv in their room and next thing i know im out. Then im up, then Im out til I had to go to work today. My friend stayed all day and Id fall out and she'd be in bed with me and then id wake up and she was gone, then there, then gone lol.
There is way more in my life to update on but Im going to end this now because the xanex is kicking in lol. BUT i did make enough in tips tonight to buy a bottle of wine, a pack of smokes, and have 2 bucks leftover to light a candle at church tomorrow and give a buck in offering.
So heres to xanex, fake ass mimosa's, good friends, and the end of a craptastic day! Seriously I don't know who I pissed off lol but im hoping to not do it again lol.
The one thing I was totally sure of was that my social security card was in my wallet. Either one didn't matter but it was supposed to be in my wallet.
Got to WalMart and was asked for 2 forms of id and wouldn't you know it....no social security card. Every fucking thing else in the free world but no ssc! They can take a reciept from SS but um they aren't open on Saturdays.
So I texted my mom, and did really well and didnt lose it til I was out of the store. Then had to badger my great aunt to see if we were going to church tomorrow lol. She said well if your depressed and i was like maybe i need church if im depressed. Her daughter was in town and we hemmed and hawed and I ended the conversation with sometimes its hard to get an answer and we laughed. Though I must say it was nice to hear how great I look, since my cousin hasnt seen me in a bit and not since Ive lost weight lol. I dont see what others see so I rely on them to tell me Im ok lol and im ok lol.
BUT i did come home, crying my eyes out, cleaning everything out and up and still no ssc. 2 xanex later and a text to my mom asking if i could watch good tv in their room and next thing i know im out. Then im up, then Im out til I had to go to work today. My friend stayed all day and Id fall out and she'd be in bed with me and then id wake up and she was gone, then there, then gone lol.
There is way more in my life to update on but Im going to end this now because the xanex is kicking in lol. BUT i did make enough in tips tonight to buy a bottle of wine, a pack of smokes, and have 2 bucks leftover to light a candle at church tomorrow and give a buck in offering.
So heres to xanex, fake ass mimosa's, good friends, and the end of a craptastic day! Seriously I don't know who I pissed off lol but im hoping to not do it again lol.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Pulling a Dawn :)
Heat index of like 105 or some shit like that and my fat ass cuts the grass. Front and back! Im exhausted, I feel like Im running a fever and the couch is my bed tonight because the fan just isnt cutting it. Head hurts like a sumbitch so i got a xanex or two and a pill from my mom.
Now im heading off to the couch to watch/sleep to dvr'd stuff.
Excited about the job and the boyfriend came over and hugged me and held me so tight that I knew I was loved. And the fact that he wanted to kidnap me to continue the hugging n kissin but was respectful about Mae and her need for "daddy" time with him making no mommy time for him..was great.
So this was short n sweet and im going to take my hurting ass to the couch and pretend I'm dawn....except I wonder does she get the remote when shes out there or is that out of her control *evil laugh/grin*
Now im heading off to the couch to watch/sleep to dvr'd stuff.
Excited about the job and the boyfriend came over and hugged me and held me so tight that I knew I was loved. And the fact that he wanted to kidnap me to continue the hugging n kissin but was respectful about Mae and her need for "daddy" time with him making no mommy time for him..was great.
So this was short n sweet and im going to take my hurting ass to the couch and pretend I'm dawn....except I wonder does she get the remote when shes out there or is that out of her control *evil laugh/grin*
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