Wednesday

I'm giving myself til Wednesday to decide if I still have a boyfriend or not. Tonight was just another disappointment and I'm tired of being disappointed.

I know it's wrong of me to feel this way and I know he has to work. It's just a seriously shitty thing whenever we try to get together to do anything his work interfers. Someone can't come in and he loses his day off. Saturday night and the next shift can't make it in on time. He can't leave on time or he loses his job. So I can't expect that and I don't. BUT I can choose to continue on this way or to not.

I do love him, I love how it is when we're together. However, I don't like feeling like I'm an option. I have Mae to think about. I have me to think about. I have a new job that already is paying me more than I was making. I have a schedule that I can plan things around. I want to see him. I don't want an online relationship or a texting relationship.

I'm a grown woman and I want to see my guy. I want to feel my guy. I want to look into my guy's eyes. As it stands right now I havn't physically seen him in almost two weeks. Sure I've texted and talked to him. For me, I don't think it's enough.

We have plans to meet up on Wednesday. I'm seriously betting that it doesn't happen. I'm betting that he gets halfway here again and has to turn around to get ready for work.

Sure I may being unreasonable, but really I'm a girl who has to have contact with my guy. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back which is a first lol, but I just feel like an option and not a girlfriend.

So at the moment I'm in limbo as I try to figure out if I want to try to make this work out, or if I want to say fuck it and just end it. Sadly I don't want to end it, but the no contact except by phone is getting old. I need to see him, be held by him, hold him, feed him all the things that you do in a relationship.

Leave it to me to end a good thing because I'm selfish. But Wednesday will tell.