And the drama begins again! The kids dad has threatened to keep Mae from me tomorrow when I go to pick her up. I told him on the phone then I would be bringing the police with me to get her. He then says that he will just tell them I've been in the psych unit and I'm psycho crazy and they won't give her to me.

Wrong buddy...you are ooo so wrong! Being in the psych unit has no bearing on me getting my daughter. Especially considering that I was there because of a huge fucking panic attack that had me reeling and not knowing what to do. Also, it helps that I have had my intake evaluation for therapy and again...Confirmed...I am not psychotic, I am not anything but depressed and anxious. Ooo it is a crime to be depressed and anxious, you know they won't give me my kiddo. Right!

So tomorrow when I get off work it will be me and the police, or me and one of three family members headed over there to pick her up.

It's actually kind of pathetic because I called tonight and he was slurring his words like he had been drinking. I did not raise my voice to him, I had no need to. But it all came out that it's my fault he won't get to go camping. Um you didn't tell me you had plans. If you would have told me you had plans I wouldn't have kept changing mine. HOWEVER the fact remains that he would have had her tomorrow from 930 am til a bit after 4 pm no matter what. Sooo something isn't quite adding up. So what do I do since I "supposedly" cost him a non refundable deposit? I offer to throw 30 dollars into his account to cover that cost. Ooooo no that is not acceptable to him. I am not to do that I am not to do this. Seriously, you get pissed and tell me that and then get pissed because I'm going to refund you the money? Sad and pathetic and makes no sense to me.

These are the reasons why he should not have visitation with his daughter. These are the reasons why I worry about her over there. These are the reasons that I take his visitation away from him. The only bad thing is it does not work! He doesn't ever learn from his behavior. I don't know what will make him learn. But obviously he doesn't give a good goddamn about his daughter if he is going to CONTINUE to threaten me with not letting me pick her up.

I tell you this much though, if she is not at his place when I get there tomorrow. I will file a missing persons report on her, and see if it qualifies as kidnapping. It is not my intention to keep him from her. It is however my JOB to keep her safe from all the nasties in life. If he wants to be one of the nasties...well then he will have to learn to deal with the fact that he is the reason she can't be around him.

You would think that he would learn that threatening me with keeping Mae is not an option. I guess this is his way of saying he doesn't want her on the weekends. He wants to do this that and the other. Well muthafucker....pick a better way because me having to keep Mae from him isn't as fun as it is to some people.

But then again...when you point the finger at someone...remember you have three pointing back at you. So i guess that means he is the psycho fucked up person. Seriously? You want to fuck with people...man you picked the wrong ones!

PS

So my mom calls him and he is slurring his words to her. Then he vents to her and she tells me she didn't want to hear a word of it! She did say she was satisfied Mae was in no danger and well...the rest I'm keeping to myself! But seriously...when will he ever learn that MY MOTHER IS MY MOTHER AND IS ALWAYS ON MY SIDE!

I miss him so much. I want my grandpa. I don't like life without him. I don't like that Mae has to ask me if I'm crying again. I want my grandpa! I want him I want him I want him!

I feel bad for going out and enjoying life. I feel bad for having a couple drinks with friends and the kids all playing.

I feel like I don't know. I just know that right now, right this second. I miss him so much that it hurts and I can't let it all out.

It will get better, I know it will. But this second right now...I want him I want him.

Thanks for the good luck on the apps Brenda! BUT lol i just got done checking my "business" email and wouldn't you know it....more rejection.

I don't know what it is that screams don't hire me, but it does and I'm sick of it! I need a fucking job. I have a fucking med secretary diploma, i have 15,000(and growing) student loans, and I can't even get a job cleaning the fucking hospital floors? Are you kidding me?

The one call center we have is only hiring for save a sale positions. Um hello, that's not inbound calling, that's a fucked up hybrid of inbound calling.

I am very frustrated and very very just waaaaaaaaaa over this. I need a fucking job. I can't get one. I tell you what if I have to I will go work at the meat packing plant. I don't want to, but I will. But seriously...cmon there has to be something out there that will pay decent or have decent hours or something.

I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for the utility company or the bug place. Someone has to hire me! They have to!!

One way to hide from depression, if you aren't medicated for it, is to keep yourself so damned busy that your to damned tired to figure out if your lack of caring is because you don't care or because you just really don't care. Anyways, if you havn't figured it out yet, today was one of those busy days.

I was running from the time I got up til a couple hours ago. But then I was on the phone with my mom. That wasn't as pleasant as it could be. She really really is into this one house. The only thing I really like about the house is the yard. I'm sorry I just don't like the house. Ok so the living room and partial dining is good, but it's the bedrooms. I just don't like them. It's like she is trying to talk me into liking it because she likes it so much. I get why it's what she wants us to have. I really really do, it's also the reason I would live forever at a place I don't like. Yup! You guessed it .... Mae!

So now she is going to let me go an look at places. I have to do something she says. Here's the problem, what I like she won't. And if she does that means we are just looking at a dream house. Mmmm hmmm yea...so who knows how thats going to go.

I picked up an application, printed out an application, wrote a letter of introduction, and printed out 2 resumes today. All while finding out something that I DID NOT KNOW! lol.

Today was the intake for therapy. At the end she goes...so do you want therapy. I was like um yeah, I'm not all kinds of broken, but I'm still kind of broken. She told me no I'm not crazy, which is what I've been thinking since I had my incident lol. She informed me, and I also found out EVERYONE ELSE DID TOO, that what I had wasn't a psychotic break or anything like that. What it was was a good ol' fashioned panic attack. I don't know why noone else told me this! But that's what it was. That if I hadn't said anything about the thoughts of the days before I went that they would have kept me in the ER for about 6 to 12 hours for observation. Well WTF!

So once again it is nice to have confirmation that I am indeed NOT riding the crazy train. Though the kids dad today wanted to make jokes about it. I don't know how to get through to him that he can not joke with me at this time, about anything at all! I am not capable at this time of understanding or getting other peoples humor. Heck even my friend today was feeling bad because I totally missed the joke. Yea...I'm not all broken but I'm still a bit broke.

Tomorrow we have shots for Mae and lead testing. My girl will be going to the psych doc in July for the pica...I can't remember if I mentioned this or not. But while I'm there I'll be asking about other things in her personality.

I'm tired. I sleep for a couple hours and then wake up. Then am up for a bit and then back down. I am sooo not digging this. But hopefully soon I'll have the medication to help everything.

Here's to confirmation that you are not riding the crazy train!

So I'm the crazy friend now. It's ok, because my friend who calls me that actually saw me lose my mind. Saw what it's like when a person can not take anymore and just snaps. I'm starting to feel at that point again. I know what it is, it's depression. It's anger; it's rage; it's frustration. It's a whole host of things because of the way life is right now. No, I'm not crazy, but I can play crazy pretty well.

I picked up a day shift at work today, which I'm really glad I did. I havn't been sleeping again, thank you depression(i assume), and it's made me cranky and irritable. Add to that that I have quit smoking again. So much easier to just beg, borrow, steal the 6 bucks for smokes, but not the right choice.

I don't know if I could get through day 1 with Mae feeling like this. So yay for Mae; she gets to go to daycare where she will have fun.

Tomorrow starts the therapy. Hopefully something can be done to help me with the anxiety and sleeplessness and depression. I hate that I had to wait so long though. Oh well.

Adding to my depression is the whole not being able to find work. I'd really really like to know what it is about my resume that screams DO NOT HIRE HER!!! I have a diploma as a medical secretary, I have held a job for a lenght of time, I have decent references. But I just keep getting rejection letter after rejection letter.

My mom wants me to buy a house. But knows it depends on the job I get. Yea well I can't seem to get a job. But they expect me to pull one out of my ass. What noone seems to realize is that I have been looking for work. I have been trying to find a job. They either aren't out there, or they don't want me. So I'm under stress and pressure on that front.

I am seriously lost and just want to give up. Give in and not go to my 2 shift a week job, that I have to hustle to get to be 4 shifts. And then the 4 shifts don't pay shit! It would be so easy to just give in and give up and stay in bed.

A friend of mine is all over my ass because I went and asked for help from the damn psych unit. Fuck you buddy, it takes a much stronger person to go to the professionals then to sit in your living room and cut yourself up and be a bad attention whore.

So yea, I'm not at a real good place in my life at the moment. Thank god there are a bunch of silver lineings out there and how the hell do you spell lineing? That sure doesnt look right!

Sigh...One day normal heather will be back, and I for one can't wait lol

Distracted Mommy Moment

My mom is going to put a birthday thing, at least thats what i think it is, for Grandpa in the Sunday Celebration section. I uploaded photos to WalMart and called her to see if she would be able to meet me outside her office so I could drop off the pics I had of Grandpa.

While talking to her I had to talk her down from what i consider irrational thinking. We're all guilty of it, sometimes you just have to share. She was feeling bad because not only did she sign the papers for hospice, she was feeling like she should have told him we were taking him there.

I told her hell no. You did nothing wrong. That would have just been cruel to tell him that we were going to hospice. The last coherent thing, besides the hug and i love you, said to my Grandpa from me was an out right lie! So if your going to feel bad about not telling him he was going to hospice then I should be feeling lower than(insert the name of your favorite crazy person here) because I lied to my Grandpa on his death bed!

I told her Grandpa would never have been that cruel to us. He would never have said ok I love you and now we're off to Hospice. I know that's not how mom would say it, but by saying it like that it helps chip away at the irrational thought. I told her, he had to know that he was very ill. We had told him that much, and cmon...like i said to my mom, Grandpa experienced A LOT of death in his lifetime. He spent many times next to a bedside saying all the i love yous. He had to know it was bad because ALL of his brothers and sisters(except david...i dont get that one except he's the youngest and probably didn't have the connection to Grandpa we all had) were with him. They were in the hospital every day if not every other day. All any of us did was tell him how much we loved him and tried to have conversation while we had him.

I reminded mom that at the end with Grandpa, we didn't have a fulltime Grandpa. We had moments of Grandpa. Small pockets of time that we had Him! Would she have wanted to waste one of those moments being cruel to him in a way he never would with us.

I got her to feeling better and she said that made sense. Grandpa wouldn't do us like that, and she was feeling a bit better.....THEN IT HAPPENED!

All this time I was talking to mom, I was also getting Mae ready for her last day of school. Yes I play the role of Distracted Mommy and I also win the worst mother of the day award!

Got Mae into the car, got the car out of the drive and to the school. Got Mae out of the car, and POPPED THE TRUNK because I needed a sack to bring all Mae's papers home. Still talking to mom, and I SLAMMED the trunk lid down.

It bounced back up and that's when I started screaming! I slammed that trunk. I slammed it hard! And the reason it bounced back up, because Mae's hand was in the way. OMG OMG...I screamed and they heard me inside. I was freaking out. Mae hadn't lost it yet, I think my screaming was disctracting her. I hustled her into school, just out of my mind. I was scared I had hurt her bad.

I wasn't even paying attention. I just slammed the trunk.

Thankfully, at this moment, nothing is wrong. There is a big scratch/dent type thing on her hand, it's red, and I know it's going to swell. I am the worst mom today! I feel so god awful horrible. Not only did I hurt Mae, I had yelled to mom I gotta go i gotta go and just hung up all panicked(ok someone spell panicked for me lol).

I called her back after the teachers got me and Mae all calmed down. The parents were even concerned about us. When I scream...I scream. When I'm scared I scream louder. She said she was so worried, she just started praying real hard because of the way I ended the call.

Ooo this morning is such a wonderful day(sarcasm), well it's not all bad. It's just the first few minutes were too exciting for me lol.

Mom asked me for a line for the thing in the paper. I came up with one and the revised version(since this thing is from all of us) is...Your memory is our salvation

Today is Mae's graduation from her first year of headstart. They have the room across the hall all set up for our little graduates. It's at 10am and I plan on being there at 930am so I can snag two seats right in the front!

I need to have my pictures and I need to have my little video of the kiddos singing.

Today is also bitter sweet. Never back in August when she started did I think that my Grandpa wouldn't be here to see her with her cap(they did caps last year so im assuming they will today) and to sing her little song. Accept congratulations from her teachers and classmates families.

Thankfully making the day a bit better and special for Mae my dad will be coming. Thank you Dad for coming into town to see your mom. Thanks to his company for putting him on 2nd shift because now Mae will have someone other than Mommy beaming with pride at her.

Today is one of those days that you get through with heartfelt gladness and love, and a bit of profound sadness. But we will get through it and we will enjoy it.

Oh and my mother lol. It lasted all of 12 hours lol. She came into the living room and said its nasty. Funny thing is, all it needs is a vaccum, the 6 toys picked up(she made mae do it lol), and the stuff SHE left out on the table! Soo funny lol.

But she did come to tell her granddaughter how proud she was of her and congratulations.

I really wish he was here today in body, not just spirit, because he started her on her path of independence, education, and growth. May he watch over her all the days of her life!

Lets see how long it sticks in my moms head. She kind of realized tonight that what I'm feeling and probably Mae is different then what they are feeling. We lived with Grandpa. We are a family unit. Our own family unit.

We have lost one of our members. We saw him every morning and night. We had a totally different relationship with him than anyone else in the family. My mom, uncle, and cousins who lived with Grandpa havn't had that family unit like we did in a long time. They graduated to adult relationships with him.

We were still that family unit. Up each others butts, and butting heads. Loving, laughing, fighting, arguing. Here's the other thing that sucks ass about this. I know how many times a week people called Grandpa. I know how often they came over to see him. I know! And while everyones pain is different, because its my feelings, I feel something different.My mom lost her dad. I get that! But I lost my Grandpa who was like a dad. He was that male figure in my life as well. I was lucky I had him and I have my dad.

But I still hurt. I still feel a loss. I know this isn't my house. But it was our home. I spent the weekend watching people load up his junk, and just was numb. Poor Mae came home while they were still taking things out. I didn't think it would be a problem. Wrong! Problem!

They were taking the couches out to get rid of them and she was mad at my Uncle and just sobbing. She was upset that they were taking away the couches. I had to have mom talk to her because she wasn't getting how I was trying to soothe her.

It's hard. I'm tired of saying thank you. You can only take so many condolences before you want to choke the next well meaning person who says something.

I found a 3 second video in my files on my computer tonight. I wanted to cry more, but I just can't get it out. It's all sitting on my chest, trying to come out, but not quite making it. But on the video is Sidney, Mae and Grandpa. They were doing yard work. He turns to Mae and says Did you haul that by yourself Chula? I miss him!

My uncle won't be leaving town til tonight and the family has been here cleaning out the house. I don't know if it was 2 or 3 loads in my cousins man's huge trailer. My brother is coming to get scrap metal today sometime.

Since my bed was shot it was decided that I could have grandpa's bed. They just bought it for him like 6 months or so ago. So last night was my first night in my "new" bed. Grandpa didn't sleep under the comforter. He slept on a blanket on top of it with another blanket over him. I put my blanket on top of the comforter and slept under that.

For awhile when I laid down last night, I just laid in Grandpa's smell. I need to get a new tote of some kind and take Grandpa's pillow case and put it in there and throw in a shirt if I can find one that's been worn and not washed.

It's only been a week and I just want the people to go away so I can just be. It's not going to happen because they are pushing fast to get the house ready to put on the market. Yay! And I have to get my ass in gear and apply for every little job I can apply for. Even if I have to work 2 part time jobs to make full time pay.

Because guess what else? I'm now house hunting. I always knew I wasn't getting this house. That has never been an issue for me, but my friends really think I should get the house. So mom has this plan and it's a good plan. But it involves going to lots of open houses.

Found one yesterday that I liked. Except when you walked in the door you were assaulted by dog smell. People with dogs never know how bad their homes really do smell. You can bathe your dog all you want, perfume it up...but it's still going to smell like what it is...DOG. I wouldn't mind the house. Fenced yard, nice cement patio, 2 stall garage...and only 19,000 over what we're looking at lol...it's nice to dream lol.

Looked at another one and the listing sounded good. Then we found the place. Oooook the location was jacked. It ends at another persons drive and is stuck behind that other house. Yea not so fond of that one.

Then there was the one that the only thing good about it was the steps. All the steps were good and solid. The house was in front of a cemetary. No big deal. But when you went inside this place omg the creep factor was HUGE. My cousin who went with us said she stopped inside the door it creeped her out too.

Joy o Joy...more time with my mom, more time stressing, and the job market around here sucks ass on a major level! So the rush is on and I'm still waiting for things to feel real again.

Still not ready, just something else going on in my life. So Mae has had 2 sets of tubes put in her ears. Well Monday I had to take her to the Dr. That was fun!

Found out that Mae has one tube gone, one getting crusty. Oh yea and she had some bleeding in her ears and has a blood clot. Also she is experiencing hearing loss because of it.

Hello tubes here we come again! They wanted to do it on Wednesday or Thursday but um yea not good days. So now we will do it on her dads birthday, which is this coming Friday.

Most likely doing both tubes because well they are there!

Joy o Joy I'll have a grumpy gus on Friday.

But on the bright side of next week...My Dad will be coming to Mae's first school graduation. Who knew it would be him at this special occasion.

As one door closes another opens...Welcome Dad to the world of being the only Grandpa!

This link is clean(said in the Poltergiest lady voice)

http://wcfcourier.com/lifestyles/announcements/obituaries/article_78251c5a-5d0d-11df-b4b3-001cc4c002e0.html

I'm not ready to blog yet. But when I am, I'll apologize now for the length and zig zaggy path it will take.

Thank you for your care, concern, compassion, and know it's appreciated and anytime you need a shoulder, I have big ones.

They say maybe another day or two. Personally Im just hoping for anytime after i get there tomorrow. I had to work for 2 hours tonight, they were the worst two hours of my life. Now luckily i am home to sleep and get back up there. I dont know why but the 2 hours at work are worse then the sleeping. I just cant sleep in a rocker. Ill hurt myself.

Tomorrow, if we have tomorrow, Ill stay the night. Have the kids dad bring Mae to me an then run him home and us back to hospice.

It was a good day. Took some pictures. I took one of grandpa and it was horrible. I just need to have something. Dad took two pics of me with him.

I asked Grandpa for one last thing. One last favor if he got a chance to do it. I asked him once he gets to heaven, and after he has spent time with his loved ones, if he could please look for my Grandma Paula. She was the female version of grandpa. It was god, like 25 years ago, and she was my everything too. That really hurt. So I asked if he didn't mind would he tell her i love her, miss her, and i think of her.

In all of this mess, I get to be me! I have a nasty lil streak in me sometimes. And today I got to use it. Thank you thank you, you know who you are and if you wanna reveal yourself you can lol.

So Im off to bed, and hopefully ill dream sweet.

I'm sitting back at hospice and I'm supposed to be looking for funeral flowers. It's not something I really want to do. I've found the ones I like. I don't know why my mom wants me to look for them because she will just veto it anyways.

I got here this morning and found out that he gave them all a scare last night. He all but sat up in bed, his eyes opened and he did a real big gasp and shudder. They say they think he had a siezure. I'm glad I missed that. They are joking that my cousin Pete found religion. He was all but laying on Grandpa after he did that. My sister I guess told him later that it wasn't funny Grandpa.

God am I glad that I went home. I don't think I could have stood it to see that!

Thankfully though, my boss seems to be understanding. He says i should just plan on going to work for a couple of hours today so another girl can come in and work my shift. Because I told him if something happens and Im over at work, then I'm going to just leave and come across to be with my family.

Fuck me how much harder can this get? Ok I know but I dont want to think about it. My mom though is now hanging with me in the anger department. She is angry that he has to go through this. Welcome to my world! I've been angry so angry. Just ask the kids dad how angry I am lol

Back to the flowers!

I decided to come home. My dad said it was ok. I trust my dad. The Dr. told us yesterday if we weren't there when it happened our loved one would forgive us. When I left tonight I told my Grandpa how much I loved him. I told him if he had to go home while I was gone, that I would be ok. That it was ok.

I thanked him for being so good to me, my kids, everything. I know that when he passes I will think of a thousand things that I should have said to him. Right now though all I can think to say to him is that I love him, I'll miss him, I'll think of him every day.

I've been talking to him normal as well as all the crying and I love yous. I asked the lady tonight if the squeezes we were feeling were him. But Grandpa must have known what was going on lol because he started kind of twitching then lol. I looked at the lady and told her no that's not what I've been feeling. But he quieted down a bit and he did give her a little squeeze. He may not know who he is squeezing but is responding to touch. Or so it seems. I'm going to believe her that our touch and voices is what he is minimally responding to.

As the time gets closer everyone is starting to lose it. We are all on the verge of tears, tears falling, and all out bawling. Men and women alike. My poor cousin Pete wanted to give him a ring on the sly to take with him. When his mother died he gave her a watch of his, he said he was little but doesn't matter he wanted her to have something and that was good. My mom got tape so it would fit on Grandpas finger. He is so small now. Pete was crying and trying to explain himself. Mom told him he didn't have to. If he wanted Grandpa to have that ring then he should give it.

I didn't know this but when my grandma died, which was 50 some years ago, he carried a locket of her hair around. I gave that to my uncle. I'm going to cut a piece of my hair and place it in Grandpa's hands when the time comes that way a piece of me is always with him.

I hate this process. I hate it for anyone that has to go through it. I am greatful for hospice. They are taking such good care of Grandpa and of us. It's so different then being in the hospital. I told mom thank you for bringing him here. At least here our sleep deprivation isn't because we have to be awake to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Now it's because we want and need to be with him.

I wasn't able to get rid of my shift tomorrow, so I'll have to go in. Thank god it's right across a parking lot and street. DJ has my car and will be doing all the running I normally do.

I just am exhausted and pray that nothing happens while I'm at work tomorrow. I'm going to get some good sleep and take a shower, pack my work clothes, and then go back to see him after I get out of work.

I lost it looking at pictures I've looked at 20 times since I pulled them out. Tonight I realized that I always sit next to Grandpa at the family dinners. Who would Mae and I be sitting next to when the holidays come around? I was crying and unhappy and my sister said didn't you know? Mom has decided we will set a place for Grandpa at the table.

I know we will get through this, I have the proof in my cousins. They lost their dad and grandpa almost 2 years ago. He was the one who could have been my Grandpas twin. I told my cousin Jen, who has been solely worried about me(which is nice i admit), how strange it would be for me to be out and about and not have someone say hey Gumi and we would correct them. She told me how hard it is for her to be out and see Grandpa or someone tell her hey I saw your grandpa. I'm greatful for her.

We did have one lil incident lol. I set the alarm for an hour, after we got to the bar. Yes we went to have a drink. The bar is right across the street and we needed a minute. I guess we were gone to long. I set my alarm at 512 for 630. They were calling before that lol. I was good though when Jen left I didn't let her give me a ride home because she was going to the bar. Tonight is not the night to go get plowed. After it's all over I'll get plowed. She and my friends are ready for it lol.

Hey were Mexican lol we drink at everything lol.

Here's hoping everyone has sweet dreams and tomorrow I get to be with my granpa before and after work.

I just got done getting DJ so he could have Mae today. I didn't realize how bad I was actually shaking until I went to pay for something.

I'm greatful we are here, it's making this a bit easier. But it's so hard. I swing from one emotion to another.

I got lucky and one of the girls from work took my shift today. I don't know about tomorrow yet. I'll probably have to go to work. Though I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't bring any clothes for work with me. There is a WalGreens across the street from my work so I'll just stop in there and try to buy a shirt. Lucky for me my work is literally about a block away.

My sister, Uncle, mom and i went in together because my sister wanted to pray. She started to say a prayer, but she just couldn't finish. I finished for her. It's heartbreaking.

I just know that my family is all here and we are being strong together. Right now we are hoping that Katie will get here. She needs to see her Grandpa at peace. Not fighting us, not fighting the tubes, not fighting the oxygen mask. My grandpa is a fighter. He is still with us. They say he can still hear us. So I keep joking with him about how he wants us to shut up. But we can't shut up. We can only hold his hands and tell him we love him. I told him all kinds of things today and felt a bit better.

The nurse said that we could put the rails down on the bed as long as someone was in there. The minute the rails were down I was in the bed. Sitting next to him, holding his hand, talking to him. Holding his face in my hands. Just trying to crawl inside him. Trying to give him a little piece of me. He is the one man who has never disappointed me. He is the one man I compare all men to. He is and always will be THE MAN!

The best thing happened today! Out of all this grief and misery, something wonderful happened to me!

They transferred Grandpa to the hospice house today. He did well in the ambulence ride there. I think because of the DNR/DNI they let my Uncle ride with. I didn't realize that mom and him hadn't gotten a chance to go visit the house. So it explains why they were so worried.

Mom feels like she has signed his death by doing this, but she didn't. After all that we have been through in the hospital, this is the right choice.

If you have never visited a hospice home let me tell you, ours is really nice. It's like a home. They have a kitchen, a family room, a living room, a room for the kids. They have a patio that you can walk out onto. The rooms are just like bedrooms. They have tv, dvd/vcr players. This room has a small loveseat, a chair, and a recliner. They also have those window seats. I don't know if it's a real window seat but it's big enough to sit in and I have.They only have 6 rooms and the staff is there for you and for your loved one.

I called my friend Tammy to come help me pick pictures. I hadn't done it yet, and just couldn't do it alone. While we were doing that my mom calls and tells me be nice to my sister she's coming over to shower. She didn't want to go to the hospice house. When she got her we hugged and cried. I told her all about the hospice home and how it was much better for Grandpa. He is going to die, we can not stop that. We can however make him comfortable in a nice setting.

My sister, the pharmacy, left me some of her xanex. Yay I'll sleep good, just waiting for it to kick in lol. But she was really upset and it's hard on all of us.

The reason I know about how hospice is, is because 2 years ago my friend Tammy's dad was there. I saw first hand how it worked, what they did. My cousin Sara works or worked for hospice but i don't think mom was really listening to her about how it is.

Well suffice it to say, everyone is as happy as they can be about it. The only problem we had, and I can't believe she didn't break was when we got there. The room my grandpa is in....is the one my friends dad died in. She was ready to cry. I told her go for it, cry with us. It doesn't matter that the tears aren't for my grandpa. She ended up calling her cousin who talked her down.

Grandpa was having a lucid moment when he got there. He asked where he was. I told him he was in a bedroom and look how pretty it was . I may have told him it was his, i cant remember. Then THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING HAPPENED!

I've been jealous of my mom for a bit because she got a real big hard hug from Grandpa before he went into the hospital the 2nd time. Well today, I leaned down as I was telling him I loved him that I was going to give him a hug.

HE HUGGED ME BACK! He hugged me sooo very hard! He didn't seem to want to let go. I lost it! I absolutly lost it. I was crying because I got my hug! I got an I love you and I got a hug! I never thought I would get the chance to have a hug from him. I thought I had missed out on my chance to have him hug me back. God gave me something to hold onto. I think its Gods way of saying sorry and this is what I can give you. I'm going with that lie, or is it truth? Doesn't matter though! I got a big hard long hug from my Grandpa!

They have him comfortable now. He was so peaceful. Of course that's the little bit of morphine he is on, but he isn't grimacing and all agitated. They took him off the mask because its uncomfortable and hospice is about making them comfortable. The doctor said that they thought the nose canula would provide the oxygen as well as the mask. Plus Grandpa really hated the mask and that was part of his agitation.

They don't have him under, but if he needs more they wont just give him a big dose. They will just bump it up a little.

I'm so very happy and so very sad. But at least he is comfortable.

Father Jose came today to do the annointing of the sick. They don't call it last rites anymore. I said my prayer outloud, my sister told him something in his ear, my mom spoke to him. We all cried. We all had communion as well.

Yesterday I bought my grandpa the last gift I will ever personally give him. I bought a rosary for him to take on his journy. With the priest there I asked him to please bless it. He asked if it was for my grandpa and I said yes. So my rosary has been blessed for Grandpa.

I'm so happy that I got a hug. He may not ever really wake back up, but they said he can still hear us. To talk to him, tell him what we want him to know. We do, I'm sure he's sick of us all talking lol.

My cousin Jen called me because she was worried about me. I have some great family. Just when your feeling like noone understands you get a call. She lost her grandpa almost 2 years ago. He looked almost exactly like my grandpa. For her it's been hard to see my grandpa because he looks like hers. But she called to check on me because she didn't realize he was as bad as he is. But it was nice.

I'm glad i have the people in my life that i do. Because it's easy to get lost in the shuffle. As the only person who is single this is hard for me because I don't have that person to lean on. But all my friends and the kids dad have rallied around me and I appreciate it!

I'm going to bed and hopefully have some sweet dreams, hell even dreamless would be ok as long as its sleep. Tomorrow I'm going to be there all day. I got real lucky and one of the girls at work decided to take my shift for me. She even called around for daycare for her daught to do it. I wrote a note for my work to express my thanks.

I don't know how long this process will take, but I am soo glad that we have him in the hospice home.

Sweet dreams and better tomorrows for us all.

I have to remember I am not the only one going through this. I am not the first person to ever go through this. That the words people speak are truth and it helps but doesn't help knowing that it will get easier.

There are other people out there who have it worse then I do. That I am not alone in my grief. That I should draw strength from those who offer it. I should continue to blog all this so that I don't have it all inside all the time.

That yes being selfish is a bad thing, but I am going to allow myself to be selfish and flip off those who would say I'm wrong to think it's all about me me me. I am going to use the internet to distract myself from what is going on and not feel bad about it.

I am going to cry ALOT and it's going to hurt real bad for a real long time. And if by some chance it doesn't then I will feel lucky and not guilty. Grief is personal. Reactions internally and externally are different for everyone else.

I will try to remember when my mom and uncle are snapping at me that it's not totally personal. That they are grieving to. That it's their dad and that trumps him being my grandpa. But only in their world. In my world it's the other way around. Grief is personal and different for us all and we have to remember we are on the same side in this. Do our best to not shred each other.

And I will try to find a way to explain this to Mae. That is what will make this all the harder. The questions that she will have. Where is Grandpa. Why isn't Grandpa home. Over and Over any variety of questions about Him will make me cry all over again. But knowing that one day she won't ask anymore and I'll either be sad and relieved or just relieved.

As I sit here and feel guilty about not being at the hospital right now. My mom will just have to deal with me changing my plan and coming earlier. I was there all last night. I watched my Grandpa look through me. I'm pretty sure He recognized me a couple times, but not like before. I will not let her make me feel guilty. She slept last night. I need to sleep tonight.

Crying is very exhausting. I know I should be up there. But I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be a rough day. I already have anxiety that is horrible. I'm not real happy with the elephant on my chest. I'm selfish, sue me! My dad is with her too, so she isn't alone.

It sucks and I'm going to bed~!

Hospice tomorrow. Tears all over the fucking place today. Crying as I'm driving because I just can't turn Tears In Heaven, though I should have. Sitting in a parking lot outside a store for 10 minutes because I'm bawling and trying to talk to my friend on the phone.

Mae who has been on my nerves today said here Mama this will make it better and gave me a kiss.

Buying the last present I will ever buy for my Grandpa today and trying to make it out of the store without losing it again. Mae telling the clerks that my mamas very sad.

My mom worried that I'm going to hurt myself. I don't feel any desire to hurt myself. I don't have any thought to hurt myself. Though I will admit that the xanex I have in my purse I can't wait to take part of one tonight. I'd take one now to calm down but they put me out.

I just don't know how to deal and I'm crying all the time. I'm home to do some laundry because I know tomorrow I won't want to do it.

This is fucking hard on all of us and I just want to curl up under the covers and never ever come out. I know not possible but it's a nice thought.

I figured out why grieving people are online. They are online because it's mindless, mind numbing distraction from whats going on.

I just want to sleep now. I think maybe I'll try to take a little baby nap because they are expecting me back at the hospital. I need to call my daycare and see if she can watch Mae for a bit. Then maybe I'll take her to her dads, I just don't know. I just don't really care about much but sitting here doing absolutly nothing but looking at bullshit.

Tomorrow is another day and then another and another

I just had the most fucked up but nice dream. Damned sirens woke me up from it, pisses me off.

I have no idea why, but a Jesse James look alike was in it, a woman who was pregnant an his girl, i think it was my sister and someone else and the starring role...Grandpa.

I don't know where we were at but we were having breakfast/lunch and the JJ lal was the owner and the preggo his girl and he rubbed her belly all nice and for some reason he lifted his shirt and you could see what i assume was a open heart scar.

So we are sitting there and grandpa is telling me what i'll have to eat and he's arguing with someone about what he will have to eat. Then something is wrong with granpas food and they fix it and he is telling them what i'll have to eat. But my food is bad. I end up spitting out hard bits of plastic onto my plate. Then Grandpa is talking, I think to Brianne, about his food, and she's asking him how his eggs were. He was like i didnt have eggs, and he was talking and laughing, and getting up to pay for extra and I had to give change to the lady for a pop, I have no idea.

I just know that I was really irritated that I was woken up. I wish I could remember more of my dream. I just know my Grandpa looked really good in it and I was happy. Maybe that's what he is doing in his head, revisiting things with us. Or maybe the dream is what's waiting for us all later.

I don't know I just know that it was awfully nice to see my Grandpa happy and whole in my dream and now Im bawling. Guess I'll go take my shower instead of an extra half hour of sleep.

It's almost naptime. I was almost in bed and the phone rang. It was my mom wanting to know if I had the little clipping my grandpa kept of their wedding announcement. I found it but it doesn't say when it actually was.

She also told me that her, dad, and my Uncle are going to Oelwein in a little bit to pick out a casket. She wanted to know if I had any requests on the casket. The only thing I said was it has to have enough room for his care package. She said it will!

Soooo he is in dialysis and that's the time they are going. BUT I don't know if any decisions have been made. Though it is a good sign of them being able to think about letting go with the casket expedition.

I told her they would pick something nice. I kind of wish I could go with, but I think I'd just be a wreck. I already feel like a monster for wanting them to "make him comfortable". I understand the hope that his lucid moments bring. But when they are like flashes...are we really really sure that Grandpa is there? Or is it just a cruel joke on us, to give us false hope. Maybe God wants us to decide so God doesn't have to. Maybe it's a test of our faith in ourselves to make the right decision. I don't know. I just know that I am so very tired of fighting with him. I want my grandpa back and I'm not getting that.

They took the feeding tube out yesterday and we had a realitively good night. I finally decided he was good enough I could get some sleep. An hour later my friend was calling me cuz she needed help with him. Then we got him all cleaned up and some haldol in him to calm him. I went for another lil rest. It was an hour later and I scared the crap out of my friend who had her phone out just waiting to call me. He was agitated again.

They got him cleaned up and some ativan in and it really didn't seem to do much. Though I was reading the hospice book last night and in the signs of death part I was just clicking off the things he was doing.

He just looked right through me while his eyes were open. He waved at Tammy but I don't know if he knew it was her. We live for the lucid moments but they are so fleeting and heartbreaking. I'm glad that I'm not alone in all this. I'm glad that others have had the experience in this, because without them I'd be lost.

I thank everyone who has said prayers and kind words, to those that have been there with me in person, who have taken my child....I am blessed to have REAL friends who CARE about me and not what I can do for them. Life will go on, but it won't be as sweet.

it was a fairly good night. didnt have to give any meds till an hour after i tried to sleep...both times lol.

right now he's kind o sleeping i think but he is still restless.

mom left the hospice info, yea i wish i hadnt read it because some of his symptoms are on the death ones.

im glad we had a good night lets see what today brings. and i hate this color lol but its whats on my friends laptop lol

I spent a couple hours at the hospital today. It wasn't good. He had another bad night. He's angry at us for making him wear the oxygen mask.

He seemed to know me when I came in and then he went back to fighting.

2 nurses came in while I was struggling to get the mask back on, but i swear he knows when the nurses are there because then he just kind of gives up.

He has diareah because of the feeding tube. He got really agitated earlier and since he either cant talk or when he is able we cant hear him because of the oxygen you just dont know whats wrong.

Well after fighting him for awhile and apologizing for not knowing what was wrong, i figured it out. He was dirty and he doesnt like that. Got him changed and he was ok, then a bit later, not much he was dirty again.

I think my mom and uncle are now seeing that its not good. The Dr came in today and said that he thought what was keeping him going was dialisys and i asked if the lungs were shot and he said yes.

They had hoped to bring him home but it doesnt look like thats going to be possible. Hopefully he can go to hospice, but with his oxygen being at 15 liters that probably wont be a possibility.

The best thing i heard was when we do let go, it shouldnt take forever.

Im still hurt and will be for a long while. I feel like my chest is going to explode with the anxiety and stress.

Though when he was fighting me earlier i told him me and tammy would be back tonight if he was going to fight us and he shook his head yes. It will be a long night.

I'm going to eat and try to sleep and try to be good to Mae. But she doesnt understand why moms a mess and i cant explain it to her. I have many tears shed and waiting to be shed and locked inside. I just want it to be over because i dont want him suffering.

Ive got a lot of support but i think i need another million arms to wrap myself in.

Seriously, what is God's plan for my grandpa! Because from where I'm sitting I can't see anything but my Grandpa not being my grandpa.

They decided to keep going with everything. Grandpa wants us to, and he wants to live. Though him telling me he wants to without knowing how they will do that is something else. I don't want him gone, i just don't want him like this. Not him!

To do everything they can to fight for him they have to intubate him. Well all the docs n nurses say they belive he will be vent dependant. Which means after they let him be on a vent for up to 2 weeks then he would need a trach and a feeding tube.

We don't want that. So the DNR DNI remain in effect. It also means that the carbon dioxide builds up in grandpa and makes him crazy. Makes him fight everything. He can't hardly even talk. He wasnt able to talk at all earlier.

They moved him out of ICU onto the medical floor with a room across from the nurses station. Yea like thats going to help if he takes his mask off. How long til they see him even over there?

I did the cans before we went up. And in the time it took us to do that and get there, he was gone. We had him for a minute here and there. He did know Mae which was great. He wanted a hug from her. Which was great and then he was gone again.

Is it really worth it! Is it our responsibility to say enough is enough? How do you say that knowing he wants to live. How do you think positive when the percentage for survival is 40%? I hate God right now!

My grandpa is the most Catholic person I know. Faithful to his God. A good man. And this is the plan god has for him? When it is his time the world will lose one of the real and true good men. We had a plan! It was a good plan! Wasn't good enough for God! So I'm angry and I'm saying I'm angry because if I don't then I'll implode again.

I never want to have a nervous breakdown again! I can't handle it. I already get close to hyperventilating as it is when i get overwhelmed.

So tomorrow after dropping Ryder off at school, the pos who does nothing, will be heading to the hospital. Then picking up Mae and maybe at 2 dropping her at her dads and then at 5 picking her up, and definitly dropping her off at 9 at her dads and stay with grandpa.

I AM ANGRY DO YOU HEAR ME!! ANGRY!!! IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS! HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SUFFER ANY INDIGNITY!

Now the good part of the day! Thank god there was a good part of the day or I'd probably be doing this from some dark corner lol.

I had lunch with Mae and we did cupcakes at school. Then on the way home from Kimmi's house(i had a minimeltdown and stopped at my friends) a Miley Cyrus song came on and Mae just busted out singing and did a lil dance. Oooo it was sooo goood to hear that and see that! I needed to have something awesome to hold onto.

So now who knows what they are doing. They did dialysis today and of course we got some grandpa time. But after this morning and hearing them talk to the doctors and my just going out of mind crying.

I did the unthinkable. I left the hospital. I left and then came back for just a minute before i had to leave or kill my mother. Omg i am the most awful person in the world. I'm not pulling my weight, I'm not staying enough. Ok fine I was in psych for a day n a half, I wasnt there thursday, and I wasn't there part of today. I am not pulling my weight.

Though wait a minute even though that's how it sounds coming out of my moms mouth THAT ISNT WHAT SHES SAYING. Though seriously...if your being told you have to start doing your shifts and there isnt a quota that you fill and are done....wouldn't you feel like your being told that you arent doing your share??

Yes I know thats not what shes saying, but maybe she should find some different words. My sister...yay shes here now so guess what its dump on heather time! Well if shes here, and a ton of family is at the hospital....i guess that means i have to be there too. Im fucking sorry! Im not as strong as you want me to be. I cant stay up there and just watch. Oh wait my mom is the one who gets to be the basket case and only stay for a couple minutes at a time. BUT me I have to be there all the time. But what about Mae? What about her during the day. I guess mom wants to pay for daycare but then tells me she only wants to pay for what she has to. Well wtf if you want me there all the time and Mae cant be there cuz shes Mae....

Its a viscious cycle i tell you.

I don't know if tomorrow they are going to do the care for him or not. My uncle isnt ready to let go from what i understand. Well fine...but I dont want to watch grandpa be like this anymore. I dont want him to suffer. Even knowing that his death means I lose the only home ive known for a long time. Knowing that i lose the one person i love more than Mae. KNowing that life wont ever be the same....but whatever!

I just wish that my mom would yell at my sister or my uncle. But lay the fuck off me! Ive done my share, Im still doing myshare, but cmon....I am only one person and I am not as strong as she wants me to be!

Fuck the world let me off!

I think we are beyond prayers for Grandpa's comfort and are now moving to prayers for my family.

I have a great support system. DJ has Mae until 8am monday. Tammy has been a godsend. Kimmi is a call away. Dawn calls and helps me when I need it.

When Dawn called today, I don't know if I expressed how greatful I was for her call. She is one of the people I trust to not bullshit me. To not say something just to make me feel better, but because she knows. After talking to her; probably no more than an hour later I was really greatful.

My dad showed up to drive me to the hospital. It's never good when they don't call and just send someone.

My mom and dad were going to go to a friends daughters wedding. She went to say good bye and his oxygen had dropped so fast that they were working on putting the bipap on him.

I don't blame her for being scared! She didn't want to call me and just sent dad.

Grandpa isn't doing good. He isn't talking now, though his hands are doing that moving. And he fights you when he wants to move them. Though before he left us, hopefully just for the night, I did get my fair share of I love you's from him.

Tomorrow I think they are going to talk about "making him comfortable". There's a medical word for it, but I can't remember what mom said. That isn't good. Making a person comfortable usually means you don't have them for much longer.

My sister and her family made it up tonight. I lost it when she was crying and telling Grandpa how much she loves him and how much he means to her. I will admit to being just plain mean and hateful in my head. While I was crying I was thinking if he meant so damned much to you, why did you only see him 5 times a year?? IF that because sometimes she skipped some holidays. Yes it was mean and hateful but that's only because I think I love my Grandpa more than her. Do I? Probably not, I just love him different. Doesn't mean I don't think she should have spent more time with him and should have sent Katie to visit all those times I asked. Because not only did Katie not visit with me and her sister...she was also missing out on time with Grandpa.

I'm a mess. But I'm not a throw me in a padded room mess. At least not yet. That's where DJ is going to come in handy lol. Poor DJ he gets the fucked up insane Heather when the bad shit really happens. But I'm glad he is willing to be there.

I didn't say goodbye goodbye to my Grandpa. And if by coming home I don't get to say goodbye goodbye...it's ok because I held him and i loved on him, and i talked to him and that's even better than saying goodbye!

Tomorrow I'll tell Grandpa that I'll be ok. That if he needs to he can let go. Not those exact words but that will be the meaning. And I'll most likely cry and cry tomorrow.

Please pray for my family and the only man to never let me down. It's another adventure through hell....god there are way to many levels!