So now who knows what they are doing. They did dialysis today and of course we got some grandpa time. But after this morning and hearing them talk to the doctors and my just going out of mind crying.

I did the unthinkable. I left the hospital. I left and then came back for just a minute before i had to leave or kill my mother. Omg i am the most awful person in the world. I'm not pulling my weight, I'm not staying enough. Ok fine I was in psych for a day n a half, I wasnt there thursday, and I wasn't there part of today. I am not pulling my weight.

Though wait a minute even though that's how it sounds coming out of my moms mouth THAT ISNT WHAT SHES SAYING. Though seriously...if your being told you have to start doing your shifts and there isnt a quota that you fill and are done....wouldn't you feel like your being told that you arent doing your share??

Yes I know thats not what shes saying, but maybe she should find some different words. My sister...yay shes here now so guess what its dump on heather time! Well if shes here, and a ton of family is at the hospital....i guess that means i have to be there too. Im fucking sorry! Im not as strong as you want me to be. I cant stay up there and just watch. Oh wait my mom is the one who gets to be the basket case and only stay for a couple minutes at a time. BUT me I have to be there all the time. But what about Mae? What about her during the day. I guess mom wants to pay for daycare but then tells me she only wants to pay for what she has to. Well wtf if you want me there all the time and Mae cant be there cuz shes Mae....

Its a viscious cycle i tell you.

I don't know if tomorrow they are going to do the care for him or not. My uncle isnt ready to let go from what i understand. Well fine...but I dont want to watch grandpa be like this anymore. I dont want him to suffer. Even knowing that his death means I lose the only home ive known for a long time. Knowing that i lose the one person i love more than Mae. KNowing that life wont ever be the same....but whatever!

I just wish that my mom would yell at my sister or my uncle. But lay the fuck off me! Ive done my share, Im still doing myshare, but cmon....I am only one person and I am not as strong as she wants me to be!

Fuck the world let me off!