It's almost naptime. I was almost in bed and the phone rang. It was my mom wanting to know if I had the little clipping my grandpa kept of their wedding announcement. I found it but it doesn't say when it actually was.

She also told me that her, dad, and my Uncle are going to Oelwein in a little bit to pick out a casket. She wanted to know if I had any requests on the casket. The only thing I said was it has to have enough room for his care package. She said it will!

Soooo he is in dialysis and that's the time they are going. BUT I don't know if any decisions have been made. Though it is a good sign of them being able to think about letting go with the casket expedition.

I told her they would pick something nice. I kind of wish I could go with, but I think I'd just be a wreck. I already feel like a monster for wanting them to "make him comfortable". I understand the hope that his lucid moments bring. But when they are like flashes...are we really really sure that Grandpa is there? Or is it just a cruel joke on us, to give us false hope. Maybe God wants us to decide so God doesn't have to. Maybe it's a test of our faith in ourselves to make the right decision. I don't know. I just know that I am so very tired of fighting with him. I want my grandpa back and I'm not getting that.

They took the feeding tube out yesterday and we had a realitively good night. I finally decided he was good enough I could get some sleep. An hour later my friend was calling me cuz she needed help with him. Then we got him all cleaned up and some haldol in him to calm him. I went for another lil rest. It was an hour later and I scared the crap out of my friend who had her phone out just waiting to call me. He was agitated again.

They got him cleaned up and some ativan in and it really didn't seem to do much. Though I was reading the hospice book last night and in the signs of death part I was just clicking off the things he was doing.

He just looked right through me while his eyes were open. He waved at Tammy but I don't know if he knew it was her. We live for the lucid moments but they are so fleeting and heartbreaking. I'm glad that I'm not alone in all this. I'm glad that others have had the experience in this, because without them I'd be lost.

I thank everyone who has said prayers and kind words, to those that have been there with me in person, who have taken my child....I am blessed to have REAL friends who CARE about me and not what I can do for them. Life will go on, but it won't be as sweet.