Seriously, what is God's plan for my grandpa! Because from where I'm sitting I can't see anything but my Grandpa not being my grandpa.

They decided to keep going with everything. Grandpa wants us to, and he wants to live. Though him telling me he wants to without knowing how they will do that is something else. I don't want him gone, i just don't want him like this. Not him!

To do everything they can to fight for him they have to intubate him. Well all the docs n nurses say they belive he will be vent dependant. Which means after they let him be on a vent for up to 2 weeks then he would need a trach and a feeding tube.

We don't want that. So the DNR DNI remain in effect. It also means that the carbon dioxide builds up in grandpa and makes him crazy. Makes him fight everything. He can't hardly even talk. He wasnt able to talk at all earlier.

They moved him out of ICU onto the medical floor with a room across from the nurses station. Yea like thats going to help if he takes his mask off. How long til they see him even over there?

I did the cans before we went up. And in the time it took us to do that and get there, he was gone. We had him for a minute here and there. He did know Mae which was great. He wanted a hug from her. Which was great and then he was gone again.

Is it really worth it! Is it our responsibility to say enough is enough? How do you say that knowing he wants to live. How do you think positive when the percentage for survival is 40%? I hate God right now!

My grandpa is the most Catholic person I know. Faithful to his God. A good man. And this is the plan god has for him? When it is his time the world will lose one of the real and true good men. We had a plan! It was a good plan! Wasn't good enough for God! So I'm angry and I'm saying I'm angry because if I don't then I'll implode again.

I never want to have a nervous breakdown again! I can't handle it. I already get close to hyperventilating as it is when i get overwhelmed.

So tomorrow after dropping Ryder off at school, the pos who does nothing, will be heading to the hospital. Then picking up Mae and maybe at 2 dropping her at her dads and then at 5 picking her up, and definitly dropping her off at 9 at her dads and stay with grandpa.

I AM ANGRY DO YOU HEAR ME!! ANGRY!!! IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS! HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SUFFER ANY INDIGNITY!

Now the good part of the day! Thank god there was a good part of the day or I'd probably be doing this from some dark corner lol.

I had lunch with Mae and we did cupcakes at school. Then on the way home from Kimmi's house(i had a minimeltdown and stopped at my friends) a Miley Cyrus song came on and Mae just busted out singing and did a lil dance. Oooo it was sooo goood to hear that and see that! I needed to have something awesome to hold onto.