I decided to come home. My dad said it was ok. I trust my dad. The Dr. told us yesterday if we weren't there when it happened our loved one would forgive us. When I left tonight I told my Grandpa how much I loved him. I told him if he had to go home while I was gone, that I would be ok. That it was ok.

I thanked him for being so good to me, my kids, everything. I know that when he passes I will think of a thousand things that I should have said to him. Right now though all I can think to say to him is that I love him, I'll miss him, I'll think of him every day.

I've been talking to him normal as well as all the crying and I love yous. I asked the lady tonight if the squeezes we were feeling were him. But Grandpa must have known what was going on lol because he started kind of twitching then lol. I looked at the lady and told her no that's not what I've been feeling. But he quieted down a bit and he did give her a little squeeze. He may not know who he is squeezing but is responding to touch. Or so it seems. I'm going to believe her that our touch and voices is what he is minimally responding to.

As the time gets closer everyone is starting to lose it. We are all on the verge of tears, tears falling, and all out bawling. Men and women alike. My poor cousin Pete wanted to give him a ring on the sly to take with him. When his mother died he gave her a watch of his, he said he was little but doesn't matter he wanted her to have something and that was good. My mom got tape so it would fit on Grandpas finger. He is so small now. Pete was crying and trying to explain himself. Mom told him he didn't have to. If he wanted Grandpa to have that ring then he should give it.

I didn't know this but when my grandma died, which was 50 some years ago, he carried a locket of her hair around. I gave that to my uncle. I'm going to cut a piece of my hair and place it in Grandpa's hands when the time comes that way a piece of me is always with him.

I hate this process. I hate it for anyone that has to go through it. I am greatful for hospice. They are taking such good care of Grandpa and of us. It's so different then being in the hospital. I told mom thank you for bringing him here. At least here our sleep deprivation isn't because we have to be awake to make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Now it's because we want and need to be with him.

I wasn't able to get rid of my shift tomorrow, so I'll have to go in. Thank god it's right across a parking lot and street. DJ has my car and will be doing all the running I normally do.

I just am exhausted and pray that nothing happens while I'm at work tomorrow. I'm going to get some good sleep and take a shower, pack my work clothes, and then go back to see him after I get out of work.

I lost it looking at pictures I've looked at 20 times since I pulled them out. Tonight I realized that I always sit next to Grandpa at the family dinners. Who would Mae and I be sitting next to when the holidays come around? I was crying and unhappy and my sister said didn't you know? Mom has decided we will set a place for Grandpa at the table.

I know we will get through this, I have the proof in my cousins. They lost their dad and grandpa almost 2 years ago. He was the one who could have been my Grandpas twin. I told my cousin Jen, who has been solely worried about me(which is nice i admit), how strange it would be for me to be out and about and not have someone say hey Gumi and we would correct them. She told me how hard it is for her to be out and see Grandpa or someone tell her hey I saw your grandpa. I'm greatful for her.

We did have one lil incident lol. I set the alarm for an hour, after we got to the bar. Yes we went to have a drink. The bar is right across the street and we needed a minute. I guess we were gone to long. I set my alarm at 512 for 630. They were calling before that lol. I was good though when Jen left I didn't let her give me a ride home because she was going to the bar. Tonight is not the night to go get plowed. After it's all over I'll get plowed. She and my friends are ready for it lol.

Hey were Mexican lol we drink at everything lol.

Here's hoping everyone has sweet dreams and tomorrow I get to be with my granpa before and after work.