I have to remember I am not the only one going through this. I am not the first person to ever go through this. That the words people speak are truth and it helps but doesn't help knowing that it will get easier.

There are other people out there who have it worse then I do. That I am not alone in my grief. That I should draw strength from those who offer it. I should continue to blog all this so that I don't have it all inside all the time.

That yes being selfish is a bad thing, but I am going to allow myself to be selfish and flip off those who would say I'm wrong to think it's all about me me me. I am going to use the internet to distract myself from what is going on and not feel bad about it.

I am going to cry ALOT and it's going to hurt real bad for a real long time. And if by some chance it doesn't then I will feel lucky and not guilty. Grief is personal. Reactions internally and externally are different for everyone else.

I will try to remember when my mom and uncle are snapping at me that it's not totally personal. That they are grieving to. That it's their dad and that trumps him being my grandpa. But only in their world. In my world it's the other way around. Grief is personal and different for us all and we have to remember we are on the same side in this. Do our best to not shred each other.

And I will try to find a way to explain this to Mae. That is what will make this all the harder. The questions that she will have. Where is Grandpa. Why isn't Grandpa home. Over and Over any variety of questions about Him will make me cry all over again. But knowing that one day she won't ask anymore and I'll either be sad and relieved or just relieved.

As I sit here and feel guilty about not being at the hospital right now. My mom will just have to deal with me changing my plan and coming earlier. I was there all last night. I watched my Grandpa look through me. I'm pretty sure He recognized me a couple times, but not like before. I will not let her make me feel guilty. She slept last night. I need to sleep tonight.

Crying is very exhausting. I know I should be up there. But I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be a rough day. I already have anxiety that is horrible. I'm not real happy with the elephant on my chest. I'm selfish, sue me! My dad is with her too, so she isn't alone.

It sucks and I'm going to bed~!