I think we are beyond prayers for Grandpa's comfort and are now moving to prayers for my family.

I have a great support system. DJ has Mae until 8am monday. Tammy has been a godsend. Kimmi is a call away. Dawn calls and helps me when I need it.

When Dawn called today, I don't know if I expressed how greatful I was for her call. She is one of the people I trust to not bullshit me. To not say something just to make me feel better, but because she knows. After talking to her; probably no more than an hour later I was really greatful.

My dad showed up to drive me to the hospital. It's never good when they don't call and just send someone.

My mom and dad were going to go to a friends daughters wedding. She went to say good bye and his oxygen had dropped so fast that they were working on putting the bipap on him.

I don't blame her for being scared! She didn't want to call me and just sent dad.

Grandpa isn't doing good. He isn't talking now, though his hands are doing that moving. And he fights you when he wants to move them. Though before he left us, hopefully just for the night, I did get my fair share of I love you's from him.

Tomorrow I think they are going to talk about "making him comfortable". There's a medical word for it, but I can't remember what mom said. That isn't good. Making a person comfortable usually means you don't have them for much longer.

My sister and her family made it up tonight. I lost it when she was crying and telling Grandpa how much she loves him and how much he means to her. I will admit to being just plain mean and hateful in my head. While I was crying I was thinking if he meant so damned much to you, why did you only see him 5 times a year?? IF that because sometimes she skipped some holidays. Yes it was mean and hateful but that's only because I think I love my Grandpa more than her. Do I? Probably not, I just love him different. Doesn't mean I don't think she should have spent more time with him and should have sent Katie to visit all those times I asked. Because not only did Katie not visit with me and her sister...she was also missing out on time with Grandpa.

I'm a mess. But I'm not a throw me in a padded room mess. At least not yet. That's where DJ is going to come in handy lol. Poor DJ he gets the fucked up insane Heather when the bad shit really happens. But I'm glad he is willing to be there.

I didn't say goodbye goodbye to my Grandpa. And if by coming home I don't get to say goodbye goodbye...it's ok because I held him and i loved on him, and i talked to him and that's even better than saying goodbye!

Tomorrow I'll tell Grandpa that I'll be ok. That if he needs to he can let go. Not those exact words but that will be the meaning. And I'll most likely cry and cry tomorrow.

Please pray for my family and the only man to never let me down. It's another adventure through hell....god there are way to many levels!