Hospice tomorrow. Tears all over the fucking place today. Crying as I'm driving because I just can't turn Tears In Heaven, though I should have. Sitting in a parking lot outside a store for 10 minutes because I'm bawling and trying to talk to my friend on the phone.

Mae who has been on my nerves today said here Mama this will make it better and gave me a kiss.

Buying the last present I will ever buy for my Grandpa today and trying to make it out of the store without losing it again. Mae telling the clerks that my mamas very sad.

My mom worried that I'm going to hurt myself. I don't feel any desire to hurt myself. I don't have any thought to hurt myself. Though I will admit that the xanex I have in my purse I can't wait to take part of one tonight. I'd take one now to calm down but they put me out.

I just don't know how to deal and I'm crying all the time. I'm home to do some laundry because I know tomorrow I won't want to do it.

This is fucking hard on all of us and I just want to curl up under the covers and never ever come out. I know not possible but it's a nice thought.

I figured out why grieving people are online. They are online because it's mindless, mind numbing distraction from whats going on.

I just want to sleep now. I think maybe I'll try to take a little baby nap because they are expecting me back at the hospital. I need to call my daycare and see if she can watch Mae for a bit. Then maybe I'll take her to her dads, I just don't know. I just don't really care about much but sitting here doing absolutly nothing but looking at bullshit.

Tomorrow is another day and then another and another