I spent a couple hours at the hospital today. It wasn't good. He had another bad night. He's angry at us for making him wear the oxygen mask.

He seemed to know me when I came in and then he went back to fighting.

2 nurses came in while I was struggling to get the mask back on, but i swear he knows when the nurses are there because then he just kind of gives up.

He has diareah because of the feeding tube. He got really agitated earlier and since he either cant talk or when he is able we cant hear him because of the oxygen you just dont know whats wrong.

Well after fighting him for awhile and apologizing for not knowing what was wrong, i figured it out. He was dirty and he doesnt like that. Got him changed and he was ok, then a bit later, not much he was dirty again.

I think my mom and uncle are now seeing that its not good. The Dr came in today and said that he thought what was keeping him going was dialisys and i asked if the lungs were shot and he said yes.

They had hoped to bring him home but it doesnt look like thats going to be possible. Hopefully he can go to hospice, but with his oxygen being at 15 liters that probably wont be a possibility.

The best thing i heard was when we do let go, it shouldnt take forever.

Im still hurt and will be for a long while. I feel like my chest is going to explode with the anxiety and stress.

Though when he was fighting me earlier i told him me and tammy would be back tonight if he was going to fight us and he shook his head yes. It will be a long night.

I'm going to eat and try to sleep and try to be good to Mae. But she doesnt understand why moms a mess and i cant explain it to her. I have many tears shed and waiting to be shed and locked inside. I just want it to be over because i dont want him suffering.

Ive got a lot of support but i think i need another million arms to wrap myself in.