1130 at night and i just put Mae to bed. I picked her up tonight and she hadnt slept. Nor did she want to. I let her stay up for about 45 minutes because im so damned exhausted that i didnt feel like having it out with her.

Ive also come to the conclusion that Mae is hungry. She just cant eat. The stuff she can eat without it hurting, she doesnt want. They had taco salad at daycare tonight and did she eat anything that wouldnt hurt. Hell no, she just wanted the doritos. Stacy gave it to her and i dont blame her.

Thats what Mae was eating at moms house too. I dont get it though. She can eat chips but try to give her a chicken nugget and its hell. Try to give her a meatball in small pieces its hell. But scratchy ass chips, no problem!

I cant wait till shes totally healed. Maybe then life will get back to some what normal.

I did get lucky though and she didnt put up to much of a fuss when i put her to bed. I caved again though, i let her take her gatorade sippy to bed. I know I know...you dont send kids to bed with a drink thats not water. Well screw that! If going to bed when her throat still hurts with a sippy is what puts her in bed and out of mine SO BE IT!

I did get a half way decent sleep last night and im hoping to have another night tonight. Its just been really really rough and with the bullshit, that meant even less sleep.

Im so tired! I just would really really like to sleep for 24 hours and wake up and be all yay me! Unfortunately when you dont have anyone to pick up the slack or is willing to pick up the slack that makes for many sleep deprived nights and days.

I wouldnt trade Mae for the world, shes been a lil trooper, even if its been fit laden. Shes my girl and i love her and would do anything for her.

The funniest thing about her surgery though is that her voice has changed. I dont know if its because her throat is sore and will go back; or if this is the voice she is going to have for awhile. LOL its soo cute and funny. Its this half high pitched almost kind of whine, but not a whiney voice. Its softer but its so strange hearing this new Mae. It just makes her even more adorable.

I guess out of all of this i have learned: My family and I will be her only support system. I love her even more than i thought. I would never make her go through crap that she doesnt need to go through. I am the boss, even if we battle over it. And most importantly....i will fight like hell for her and her well being.

Mae is my life and no matter what kinds of things i want to do, what she needs comes first. I wish all parents out there could say the same thing. I dont understand how you up and leave your kids without a backward glance. I dont get how you dont put them first!

I am Mae's mama and I am proud of that! If i have to be her father as well, then i will do my best to do that role too.

Heres to all the single mama's who have to be mother and father, we have our work cut out for us!

Ive been thinking about my last post and trying to figure out how to get the kid to see her dad. Im thinking that since im accused of using her that maybe i will use her.

Im thinking that since its almost impossible to find child care on a saturday, that he can become the babysitter. I mean he still gets to see his kid, and i get what i need.

I know that sounds harsh but im thinking that if i have to call the police to get her back, showing up in my work clothes smelling like i do lol they would be more inclined to make a decision.

Its scary when the police dont have to make someone turn over your child. But i need child care on saturdays and i havent found one yet.

I think that makes me a very bad person, but maybe its time i got something out of this. I mean ive always been soley responsible for everything. Decisons, making sure bills got paid, keeping food in the house, cleaning the house.

I think im going to go with im a bitch and take her over their on the saturdays i work. And if i dont work every Saturday, he can consider it a gift. The gift of being alone!

Im feeling a little bitchy, can you tell, but i need to figure this out. I dont know how and since i cant afford to go to a lawyer, this is my forum!

Here here to free advice....anyone got some?

Could someone please explain to me how you dont pay your bills? Especially bills that you have a contract(verbal, written, or otherwise) for? I mean seriously how do you have money in your account every week, two weeks, or month and just feel that you do not have to pay someone.

Then on top of not paying them you go out and buy all kinds of things, you call them and are all nicey nice, or you text them a million times. Acting like its ok that you didnt pay for what you got?

I dont know about you, but i have to pay my bills. I think its pretty pathetic that people wont pay their bills. Hell i have to scrape as it is to pay my bills. But my bills are all paid.

I know that if i dont pay my bills i dont get the services that i need. Hell daycare alone eats a good 1/3 of my check! But i pay my bill every week faithfully because i recieved a service and i need to pay for it!

Ive been screwed over too many times by people who think they dont have to pay up like the rest of us. So the true test in keeping my mouth shut will be on the 18th of July.

Theres this one chick who just thinks that the rules dont apply to her and i say they do. So on the 18th i will be keeping my mouth shut as i look at this stupid bitch and praying that when my mouth does open, that its all flowers.

If its not all flowers that blog will be about how i had to be bailed out of jail lol.

Anyways i just wanted to rant on about people not paying the debts they owe. Whether it be 10 bucks or 900 bucks, its all taking money out of a childs life.

Ive been accused by several people of using Mae as a weapon to hurt her dad. The thing is, i dont care enough about him to do anything to hurt him. He can do that all on his own.

While i was thinking about that accusation, i came to a realization. Im not the one using that sweet girl as a weapon, HE IS.

Anyone who knows me well knows that my biggest fear in the WORLD is that Mae will be taken from me. That something will happen and Mae will be no more. That something will happen and Mae will be kept from me. That something will go wrong and i lose Mae.

All my actions that i have taken regarding Mae are for the good of Mae and making sure she stays with me. Ive told my story too many times regarding my Katie and those who matter, know that story forward and backward. I know loss of a child and i know loss of a child when other people are helping to keep you away from a child because of your words/actions. No, i never did anything to Katie. I did let her go, and i did threaten to bring her home with me. That threat has resulted in the past few years my being pulled further and further away from her.

Because of this situation i try so hard to be a good mom. I try so hard to keep Mae's world pretty for her. Ive put my social life on the back burner because im afraid that i could be selfish and let myself get wrapped up in that life and Mae would suffer.

But the accusation of using her as a weapon was on my mind tonight as i was watching tv. Thats when it hit me, her father is using her as a weapon. Anytime he wants to hurt me, he throws out some bullshit!

Last time it was the calling of names while holding Mae. This time it was the threat of Maybe. A time i never blogged about before he kept her in his arms and ran to his room and slammed the door so i couldnt get to her.

Im tired of feeling like im failing. Im tired of feeling that the person who is supposed to love her like i do will do something so i lose her.

I dont know how to take that power back, i dont know how to forgive that.

I have to find a way to get over the fact that he will always use her as a weapon with me. I have to find a way to let her have visitation with her father. I have to find a way to let her go to his home and know in my heart that when i show up to pick her up she will be coming home.

I grew up without my bio dad and even though hes a POS, i still wanted a relationship. I had a great dad growing up. But i think kids always want to know and be with their bio dads. Its not something i can cut out of her. Its not my place to paint him in a bad light. I dont have to do that. He has done a fine job of that all on his own.

I just want to find a way to make it stop. I want Mae to see her dad, I want her to know that her father wants her. But how do i do that when her father cant just get it through his head that she isnt a weapon. That when you tell a mother Maybe they will freak out and leave.

What do i do? How do i do it? How do i let go of that fear? Letting go is easier said then done. Hell look how long it took me to extricate myself from the hold he had on me. I dont know what to do.

I cant talk to my mom because her answer is the simplest and right one, but when the other person wont follow through...what do you do? Does anyone have any advice? because im all out of ideas.

I just know im tired of not being able to count on the one person who is supposed to be able to be counted on.

Being a single parent is hard. Its much harder when your trying to do it better then you did the first time around. Im not going to get married because i want to be a family with someone. Im not going to rush into a relationship so i have help with my child. I have to be able to do it alone. And i am doing it alone, i just think i care too much sometimes.

I have to remind myself that all i have to do is make sure Mae is available to him. But how do you do that when the other person just cant stfu and be happy that they have time with their child.

There are many many men and women who want to see their kids that cant because the other parent doesnt allow them. Here i am more than willing to let her go and have that relationship, but its not that important to him.

How do i make him understand how important it is for Mae to have time with him? How all the bullshit he has going on in his fucked up head has to be put aside because there is a little girl who loves her daddy and wants to see him. How do i explain to this child when shes old enough all the bullshit that went down while i was trying to do the right thing?

Im not perfect, i have never thought i was. I have and always will do my best to do whats in Mae's best interest.

I just dont have any good advice for myself. Anyone got any free advice theyd like to share?

As the rage, outrage, and hate continue in me i have to remember that that person doesnt even make a half percent of my life,day, or anything. While i will rage and vent and spew all the garbage in me, i think that today i should probably at least leave something good behind.

Im going to my moms after work and i dont feel like screwing with their computer to enable cookies and all the crap you have to to get blogger, blogspot to work.

So lets have something good from this side of the world.

My sister who is in the hospital had some good news. They think they can get her to at least 35 if not 36 weeks before they take the baby. She just has to stay calm. Its hard on her because she lives so far away and my mom cant be there like she wants her to be.

The baby at the last ultrasound was practicing her breathing. If they get her to like 35 weeks i think they said thats when they will do the amnio to see how developed the babys lungs are. I guess after 36 weeks it goes from being about the babys health to the mothers health.

We have a little Maya(im assuming thats how they are spelling it) added to our HUGE family. My sister is like 33 weeks now, if not almost 34. I cant keep up, i just keep up to date on how shes doing.

They have her on xanex to help keep her calm, and the bleeding isnt bright red, which is awesome.

My life is good. I may not have the best job, but at least im working, even if its only 2 shifts a week. I keep putting applications out there and maybe ill get something better. But at least im doing something to keep everyone sane.

Yesterday was the first day shift i worked and it liked to have killed me. But i survived and again i went home with all of my fingers intact. I dont know how people ever get unscared of the meat slicer. I did use the tip that Kimmi told me to and it worked better. Now i just have to get the menu down so i can look at the stuff and go oh thats a 25 and thats a 3.

I should know better then to play his game. I should know better then to let others effect me the way i let them. I just cant help but be vocal about the good the bad and definitly the ugly.

Maybe one day i will be able to blog just about nice rosey sunshiney stuff. But until then anyone who decides to read this will just have to go with the ups and downs. This is my life, its real, im living it, and i may be screwing it all up, but at least im trying, at least im doing what needs to be done.

Another great song lyric.....Wrote the book on pain but im still here to explain

I can understand having no respect for me. I dont understand not having respect for a 3 yr old!

Awhile ago her dad got into contact with his kids. Back when that happened there was a conversation that took place about those kids and Mae.

Together, as parents, the decison was made that the older child if he wanted could have updates and pictures of Mae because he was sane and doing what your supposed to be doing. Together, as parents, the decision was also made that the younger child was to HAVE NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND with Mae.

Why was that made? Because his youngest child and mother have some serious issues with the father. Sounds familiar doesnt it? And that because he was threatening to tell Mae, a 3 yr old, all about how awful her father is.

Yesterday that point was reiterated when the father and child were on the phone screaming and cursing at each other. It was reiterated because the child has continued to make bad choices that now are resulting in a weapons charge.

Together, as her parents, it was again said she was to have no contact with this person because Mae is 3yrs old and does not need to have someone elses bullshit mar her existence. Mae will make her own choices in life, but at 3 yrs old there is no reason to have contact.

Then not even 20 minutes later in the power struggle that was going on between these two people i hear....You better be nice your sister is on the phone.

EXCUSE ME?? what the hell is she doing with the phone? What the hell happened to the fact that we both decided that she wasnt to have any contact.

What kind of poor excuse for a man does that to his 3 yr old? Youve been screaming and carrying on for 2 hours and then you put MY CHILD in that position?

You dont have to respect me, thats not your job, you do have to respect MAE!

I am all for keeping mae in her 3 yr old world. She doesnt need to be dragged into someone elses bullshit drama scheme.

Im begining to think that maybe i really should contact these mothers and ask for the scoop. Figure out what their problems were with this asshole. Find out what exactly made these mothers keep their children away from him, so much so that they didnt even go for child support!

Im so mad about all of this. I dont understand how you can go from saying let me be nice to you, let me give you gas money since you spent yours on mae, thanking me for letting you be a part of her recovery.

Then to bitch and moan that i wasnt greatful, that i never said thank you. To call my mother and try to have attitude with her. To tell the story you tried to con her with, and then when she hears it from me and my friend what happened all day yesterday, her go...oh well if i would have had all the information i wouldnt have said anything i said to him.

Call my mother, ambush my friends, but what your going to find out is they dont like you, they dont care about you, and they only tolerate you because they, like me, want you to be able to see Mae. They want you to be a part of her life. Not for you, but for her! While this was being discussed last night my dad goes, He isnt EVER allowed down here again!

You know you have to be some kind of piece of shit to get denied that. Hell even my ex cousin inlaw, who has done some shit in his life, is still allowed to go down there.

Im thinking that if her father is a smart man he will man up to his bullshit mistakes and ask for her on the weekends. But i dont expect that to happen. I expect him to continue being the victim and whining to the few people who tolerate him and not change.

I would like to know though what kind of therapist tells someone that "your right you dont have to do therapy for you". Last i knew therapy was about fixing yourself so you could fix what was/is wrong in your life.

My dad did get on me a little bit last night about being over at the kids dads house, so did my mom. The truth of the matter is, i was there not because i had some desire to be in his home. I was there because my 89 yr old grandpa isnt much help with a sick kid. I was there because the help was offered. Hell lets not forget the fit that was thrown when i said no you cant be there for the surgery. Hell i stood in the kitchen at the kids dads house and reiterated the point of your not appropriate in these situations. He said your right! And that was also the reason he didnt go to the ER with Mae and I.

You want to be apart of your childs life you sit down and shut the fuck up. You say yes, you say no and thats all. Not speaking to the childs father and not seeing him except for those 5 minute pick ups and drop offs was the best thing for me. I have no desire to be included in his life. I have no desire to be part of his drama.

I do have a desire for my child to know her father, but maybe ive been wrong in thinking that. Hell there are two other women out there who kept kids as far away from him as possible.

What the hell am i doing wrong? i still cant figure out how hurting me is more important then being with your child. i still cant figure out how drama is more important than your child.

Oh and one last thing....When a man stands over you as your saying goodbye see ya sunday and they say Maybe and say nothing else. They dont mean maybe you have to work, maybe you wont get here on time, or whatever bullshit you tried to sell to my mom. Even my fucking dad knew what was implied with that MAYBE!

Another great line....Ive come to far to go back now!

I just wanted to let you know that the next few blogs wont be nice probably. and if they are then cool, but im in such a hateful place at the moment that its just going to be my personal drama that i spew.

i dont care if it offends anyone and i dont care if it makes people think bad of me.

i blog to vent because your friends only want to hear it so many times.

Something about friends that i blogged about in the past is loyalty. my friends are loyal to me. never ever doubt that my friends have my best interests at heart, they dont sugar coat it, they dont lie to me, and they sure the fuck always have my back.

my friends care about me the way you care about people. they dont hide from the truth. they are my friends because they are always on the up and up with me. despite what other people would like to believe.

my friends are my friends and for a minute i thought it was me not sharing them. but the truth of the matter is they arent willing to share me with some people. BECAUSE they have my best interests at heart.

they want me to make the right decisons. they want to support me in my life. they want me to raise mae in a safe sane healthy environment. and if being my friend means supporting me during the hard decisions, the rougher times....guess what they are there for me!

again i made the right choices a while ago and thank god i did. if i hadnt i cant imagine how horrible all this drama bullshit would be. i dont need drama in my life. i have enough drama thats actually called life. life is dramatic and mine changes daily. but i can live with that kind of drama. i dont deal well with drama bullshit thats not entertainment. there is a difference between the two. and im sure most people know the difference.

im going to live my life, love my family, love my friends and be thankful that i have them to help me deal with the psychoticness that surrounds some people.

Lets end with a great song lyric..... GO FIX YOURSELF!

In about 5 minutes im leaving to take Mae to my mothers house. Why am i going so late? Because the kids dad is such an incredible asshole!

He threatened to not let me have Mae back on sunday when i was kissing her good bye! I said mommy will see you sunday and he popped off with Maybe.

I dont know about you but to me that is not a good sign. I thought his therapy and time off because of his actions/words had taught him that your actions/words have consequences.

Obviously it did not! Now i have to find daycare for saturdays when needed. I have to start paying for daycare if i want to go out.

I dont know how long to keep her away. All i can think is now someone has to go to a lawyer and get something in writing. Because i will not lose mae to his psycho ass.

He has said some things today that he shouldnt have. he went places he shouldnt have. he assumed things he shouldnt have even when told the truth.

Those are not the reasons she is going to my moms like this. MAYBE is the reason why! I will not tolerate it! I wont! i dont have to my job is to keep Mae safe and coming back to her mama. If thats even a question then she wont be going back.

So DJ, since your such a lying asshole about reading my blogs, which i know you were and have been. Go talk to your therapist and be honest with her and everyone else you talk to. Stalk my blog, read my blog, masterbate to my blog, whatever it is you do. Just know one thing. I am not a doormat, i never have been. I have no respect for a man who will posture to a 16 yr old boy. I have no respect for a man who says one thing to me and then pulls stunts like this. I do not care that your reading i do not care about your life. And as for who im fucking who im not fucking and who was or was not at my childs birthday party....maybe you better get a real good clue and maybe you have better think back over everything you have said and done. Take a real hard look at your life and see where you fucked it all up. I will not be threatened. I will not be cowed. I will not be disrespected. You have no control in anything that happens with Mae! You are not in charge and i highly doubt you have ever been in charge.

Change is something you do not something you say. And unfortunatly im not buying your lip service. So kindly go back to your therapist, thats the person who has an interest in what your doing with your life. Oh and maybe you should be honest with her about how much your drinking and how much your on the internet. Dont ever tell me shhh dont tell, because those days have been over for a very very long time!

So my day has changed lol glad i can roll with the changes! As you know from the previous blog i was up way way early. Luckily Mae let me sleep a bit more while she watched tv in my bed.

I was sleeping way way good and then at 7 something my phone rang. It was my friend Kimmi and she was frantic!!!

Her daughter has head lice! OH GOD...as mothers we all dread hearing that! So Sid cant go to daycare and Kimmi was supposed to open the store. I was scheduled at 4 and she wanted to know if i could go work a short shift then my shift.

Um hello i come from the working class and if you have to work a 12 hour shift thats what you do! Well luckily she remembered that she had asked the other new girl if she could cover for me if Mae wasnt doing well today.

So now im blogging quick before i go grab a shower. i called Brigitte and was like hey how many kids and appointments do you have today can i bring mae and filled her in on Kimmi. Well yay for good friends!

Brigitte is going to take Mae until 2 and drop her off at her dads. Then she is going to go over to Kimmis and help her with Sidney. And when i get off work im going to go and help the kids dad with Mae.

You know for a long time i chose the wrong friends because i was stupid and selfish. Well one thing thats happened in the last year is i started making good choices for my life. One of the best choices i made was to make friendships with people who are real, who are good, and who know what it means to be a friend.

I thank all thats good for sending people to my life that truly care about me, my welfare, Mae and Mae's welfare. Sometimes all it takes is opening your eyes and accepting what is right.

Thank you to my friends online, who have proven to be friends, and thanks to my friends in real life. As we all know its about putting the right ones in and dumping the trash!

It's been a long week and for me my 2 shifts a week are starting today. If you notice its almost 530am and Mae just got up. The only thing I'm sure of at this point is I'm going out of my mind. I havnt got as much sleep as i would like becuase Mae has been getting up about this time if not an hour earlier the last 4 days. Ok hell we have been up at this time since Monday because of the surgery.

First let me say this....stop using WalMart pharmacy if you have to give your child medication. Take it to WalGreens or any pharmacy that flavors their medicine for you. Ive never had a problem giving Mae medicine. She has always taken it and then taken a drink. The loratab tastes like shit! So much so that she would cry like she used to when we took her to the doctors.

Now she wont even take the tylenol that she used to drink down, one shot, no issue. Now she spits it out and wont take it. I dont know how to make her take it without threatening that mama will have to spank her if she doesnt or she is going to have to go to the hospital and get more needles. Yes i know, thats not the way to do it. BUT it seems to work enough to get her to take almost all of her dose. It makes me feel like shit, but for christs sake if anyone has a better idea let me know. Im open to suggestions at this point.

Monday we did ok except for the hyper. Tuesday she spiked a fever and Wednesday it wasnt gone. This time though she was throwing up. Ill be honest, i think im supermom and can handle it on my own. For the most part i can, this time i needed help.

So Tuesday we ended up at the kids dads house. We spent 2 days there. He took the couch, i took the bed and together we did our best to put our differences aside for Mae. For me personally it wasnt the most comfortable but you do what you have to do for your child.

Wednesday morning i ended up taking her to the ER. She was throwing up, the fever was still there and we couldnt get her to drink or take any medicine. Luckily she wasnt dehydrated. They stuck her on an iv and that helped so much. She ate her breakfast which was awesome and we went back to the dads house.

Its been long and its been hard and it keeps getting worse it seems. She doesnt want to drink, which i cant figure out since thats whats supposed to keep her throat from hurting. She doesnt want popsicles all the time and half the time im lucky to get a half one in her. I still cant get the medicine all in her and its very frustrating.

Its enough to make you go, why o why cant they just stay in the hospital for a day or two after. Just to make sure they keep hydrated. The ER nurse said that if id have called the dr he may have just admitted her. Now i know i just said why cant they stay, but really noone wants to have to stay at the hospital.

So now its on her dad to keep her drinking and give her medicine. I have to work today and tomorrow morning so its all him. Sadly again i think of me as supermom and NOONE can do it as good as i can. Yes hes capable, but letting go enough to let him do it is another thing.

I know how he gets frustrated VERY EASILY and i know how VERY TRYING Mae is. It scares me to leave them alone. Especially when Mae isnt in the best of moods and is sick. What am i supposed to do though? Hes her dad and he wanted to be involved. Well now hes involved lets see him continue to step up to the plate.

Im really sleep deprived and havnt been getting as much sleep as i should. The night before last Mae was in my bed until 430 and then up a couple hours later. Right now shes watching Disney channel in my bed and im trying to get this all out in hopes of grabbing at least another 2 hours of sleep.

Im hoping today that Mae will eat. Yesterday she only had a couple bites all day. I wonder if thats not also making her attitude one that i dont want repeated till shes a teen.

I dont know, im just out of sorts. I never want to have to do anything like this again. And whats with all the damn snot? I cant keep her clean to save my soul. I gave her a bath yesterday and 10 minutes after getting out her face was all dirty again. Its the snot and noone said anything about snot!

Ok well i better get myself back to bed and hopefully get a couple more hours. Seriously...what was i thinking when i said cool to more than her tubes!

430 am...exhausted

Dawn, i have no idea how to send you a message lol. Id have messaged you your own update but this is going to have to do.

Things moved rather quickly today and Mae was taken back about 730 and i was talking to the dr by about 10 after 8.

Just like last time he pulled a whole lot of nastiness out of her ears and put tubes in both. She did great with the tonsills and adnoids he said.

After about 45 minutes they moved her to the peds unit and gramps and i moved our cars. We got up there and she was unhappy with us for about 5 minutes, if that!

Ya know, i know this sounds bad, BUT, why o why do i have to have the kid who is jumping on the bed, trying to rip her iv out, doesnt want to sleep, wont sleep with the narcotics, wont do the 30 minutes of quiet time the nurse wanted without watching tv, and just in general being her normal self except for asking for popsicles and jello!!

In other words, she did great! Right now i have her laying down in her bed after she spit out her first dose of at home medicine, hydrocodone, generic loratab. Managed to get the whole dose in her. If she sleeps, which i doubt, ill have to wake her up for more meds and a drink at 930-945, and then 130-145, then im sure by the 5 am dose shes going to be up raring to go!

Im freaking exhausted! We ended up at the kids dads house for a little bit because of course i had to go to walmart and get a prescription filled. I wasnt taking her to walmart right after the tonsils because lord knows our luck. Shed find the one person with something that would complicate her surgery.

He was cool and was going to let me take a cat nap, but that girl just wouldnt, couldnt, didnt go down.

I seriously dont understand it. You give me a hydrocodone and im loopy and ready to just veg as i pass out. Mae, hell no, shes up and rarin to go. Again i know this sounds bad but im kind of hoping that day 2 knocks her butt down so she has to rest.

Hell the medications even made her nasty! At one point it was i dont want the damn bear as she threw it. OMG! I have no idea what got into her but thats really not normal. I mean if you go oh shit, she might say it then and there but never just on her own.

Im exhausted! Its a hot nasty day here and i just want mae to sleep so i can sleep and i dont know lol just do what shes supposed to be doing.....RELAXING AND TAKING IT EASY!

Its 430 am and im hot! I woke up about 20 minutes ago my hair soaked with sweat. So i got up and turned the air on. 5 minutes later my grandpa got up and turned the air off.

Im already on edge because of the surgery. I went to bed early and didnt sleep for crap. And now im sweating like a dog in heat.

Ahhh the joys of living with old people. You sweat in the winter and you sweat in the summer.

So im a little grouchy this morning! I wanted to sleep but i didnt get anything you could call good. Im going to get myself in the shower here in a minute.

I just am so out of it. Sleep is a very important thing! Ive got a headache from lack of sleep and im hot. Yayy those are just the things that bring on a migraine!

Only one of us gets to be bitchy today, and its not me! So ill be bitchy right now and hopefully things wont be so bad.

I should use this time to get a couple dvds and the portable dvd player ready, that way we dont have to rely on tv.

God! Im hot, tired, cranky, i want my AC~!

The fridge is stocked. Stuffed to the gills. Totally packed! At least the fridge is ready!

Im not ready. I know I know I know and somewhere im sure i believe....that Mae will be ok. That she wont be admitted tomorrow for not drinking. That she will not be allergic to the codeine in the tylenol.

I have movies, movies, and more movies. I have clean sheets on the bed, the bed will be made and Mae can hang with mommy in my room. Im hoping that she isnt horrible so i dont have to take her over to her dads house.

I just want to get the move on. I have the alarm set for 5am. That should give me enough time to take a quick shower, get Mae up and in a pull up, and get to the hospital by 6am.

It will be ok, but the mother in me still has that fear. Heck my mom says she knows mae will be fine. That woman worries about everything under, over, and beside the sun. I should just go with that.

But the mommy in me, just cant wrap my head around the fact that we have the good doctor doing her surgery. That she is a strong girl who will be one of the bouncing ones.

Ok so now if only i could slam that into my head.

The more i listen the more i feel its all just another game. The more things that are told the more i just think its another lie. I dont understand it, and i really dont want to.

You have to prove to me that your doing whats right, whats helpful, whats in the best interest. I havnt seen it and i cant believe it. Its not my job though to believe it.

I do hate how quickly the irritation sets in. Ive been asked how did i do it? Hell i dont know how i did it. I think i immersed myself in what i needed to to deal.

Another game, another con, another manipulative device. Fortunatly for me, im not as easily manipulated as i once was. By no means am i leaps and bounds better. I am however baby steps better.

Moral of the story...dont brag about changes unless you have tangible proof....i know all about that one....ive handed over the tangible proof in spades!

Its been a long unproductive weekend. Luckily i called the kids dad to tell him this weekend she would be there later because i went out and had to much fun on friday. Which meant i was in bed nursing myself back to myself saturday.

There went my plans to get everything i wanted accomplished accomplished. So today ill be doing everything i should have done yesterday. Le Sigh!

I know its stupid, but im getting more anxious about Mae's surgery. The surgery itself, again, isnt whats really got me on edge. Its the recovery period starting with day 1.

I remember how bad she had it the first time around with the tubes. She did not like coming out of the anesthesia. This time though its not just the anesthesia we have to be thinking of.

For tonsils and adnoids you get a recovery period in one room just for the anesthesia. Then they ship the kids on over to the Peds unit until they drink so much.

I have a stubborn kid and if she doesnt do what they want her to do then they will admit her. That is the last thing i want to be thinking about.

Hell we already have my sister in the hospital. Like the family needs anymore stress.

I dont know, i think its just the mama in me being stupid. Hell its not like she is the first and last kid to ever have this done.

Well back to the grind and maybe a nap. 130am Drama Calls are not my thing, but i take them!

I have no idea how i do it! I really have no idea i swear! My life just gets crazier and crazier as every day passes!

There isnt really anything i can do except turn off the phone and hide in a closet. But then again i dont like missing anything.

Today started really early with a call from the hospital. They needed to do the preadmissions work up. Luckily Mae wont be restricted to just juice and popsicles for the healing process. Anything soft she can have! Wooo!

Today at 11 is the physical for Mae. Then i need to come home and make sure grandpa has his bag packed with all his medication because he is going with my parents to see my sister who is in the hospital.

She has started the first bleed and right now are trying to get it to stop, or at least go to just an ooze. They are going to try and keep her in the hospital for 2 to 4 weeks. Depending on what the situation does. The baby though is almost 4 lbs so if they have to go early the baby should be fine. They have her on steroids to help with the baby's lungs.

She really needs mom to be there and mom and them are going today.

Mae has her surgery FINALLY on monday. Ive got the fridge stocked full of stuff. Ok so i have to put all the stuff in, but ive got a big lead on stuff for her to eat. I need to go back to the store and buy yogurt, cottage cheese, and plain spaghettio's. I wish shed eat mashed potatos but hey shes a kid their picky.

Yesterday i got a surprise phone call and im really really excited and really really hopeful! If it happens then im going to be one tired grouchy ass girl! But it will be worth it!

I think things with John are officially done. He hasnt texted me since the wedding. Not that i expect him to text me or anything. I mean who really dumps someone or takes a break from someone at a wedding. And then has pictures taken with people. Yea i know, sometimes i just suck. He had invited me to go swimming this weekend but i dont think thats going to happen.

I think that ill just text him out of the blue one day and tell him im having drinks if he wants to come have one with me/us then cool. He said he wanted to stay friends. Well thats about all i can offer.

My life is going good, just a lot of hectic drama filled days. And now my text messages are going off lol. Guess thats my cue to go shower and get ready for the day.

Ahhhh blissfull real life drama....yea i can handle it.

Survived!~~

I have been home about 10/20 minutes! I didnt get off early, I didnt get sent home. Nope its a normal night! Woooo! The worst it will be is just getting home now from what i can understand and thats only if you dont do your work for closing when the lil sheety tells you to!

Mmmmmmm im also sitting here enjoying my free sub! Maaaaaaaan let me tell you what! Its not subway baby its SubCity West! Best damn subs in town! Fresh sliced meat and cheese when you order! Half a sub will fill you up to the point past stuffed! Big ass sandwhich and just a little more than subway. To be honest even before i started working there i thought they were the better sub! Hell ask the kids dad lol thats one of the first places i took him too!

So tonight was again the first night! I survived! Hell i even texted my friend who is the assistant manager to tell her i survived. She texted me back too much to text back while at the stop light lol. So i called her and told her that it was ok and people were nice to me. Heck to my surprise and hers the boss texted her to tell her that i was doing a good job! She said he normally doesnt do that, she has to ask him. Soooo im assuming that its a good thing lol.

One of the girls said i need to be on toppings more, but those be scary man! LOL the register is soooo nice lol just hectic because you get the drinks and stuff. But tomorrow ill be parking my ass at the topping station and trying to figure out how to work the stupid slicer.

Though i did learn an important lesson the easy way tonight about the slicer. If you drop the blade while cleaning it DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE GRAB FOR IT! Let that bitch fall! I only screwed up toppings one time and learned another lesson. If its normally in the cooler put it back! I thought i was putting the vinegar on a sub, but it was the Russian dressing. Yea we had a lil chuckle and i learned scrape and start over!

I tell ya what though, after 3 months of not working my ass is dog tired! Its great to be back in the workforce even if its not many hours a week. From what i understand i shouldnt have a hard time picking up shifts. But for now im going to be happy that i have a job thats even 2 days a week. Lord knows i end up with enough drama in my life to keep the psychos of the world happy, its nice to have a job that i can work around.

Maaaaaaaaan im tired!

I know this is a stupid thing to blog about but its bothering me. I joined a fet website because i wanted to follow a blog. Well what did i find instead? I found that my ex is part of it. God im so sick of finding out that he was playing me along with everyone else.

I devoted myself to him and ive let myself be compltely fucked up over him. I have issues now with good men now because of the situation i let myself be in.

All the while that i was true and faithful he couldnt even bother with either of them.

I have issues and its ok. Im dealing with it as best as i can and ya know blogging is a good way to do that. The only problem is that im sure my blogging will be misconstrued and THATS OK.

Im just tired of being the one who says oo its ok that he lied cheated and decieved me. Its not ok then and its not ok now. Im just a lot late in saying it!

Trust is something i tend to give blindly and it always bites me. I cant believe im still hurt by his actions. Maybe its just that im finding out about them after the fact and all the time he would say no im not doing blah blah, it was true and i didnt have to feel stupid for doubting and questioning.

One day ill stop finding him on the web and it will be all good. But swear to god, if i was looking for him when i should have been maybe it wouldnt be so bad now. I have no reason to look for him, and i didnt go looking for him. Jesus!

Save me from all the men who think its cool to fuck up a woman while fucking up another one at the same time!

Change..you better roll with it~~~

Yesterdays blog or maybe this mornings, dealt with how my self worth and esteem tends to go along with my employment status. Well today that took a big huge hit!

I got up and was going to apply at Money and More. So i got cleaned up and when i got out of the bathroom i had a missed call. Figured it was my mom because the number didnt come up on my caller id.

Listen to my messages and it was Affina calling. OMG that would have been the best job. Ok so work wise i dont know but bennie wise it was the best. Like 9 bucks to start and benefits!!! Then the big SNAG. Their training classes start June 22nd and you can not miss any days during that time. It was with a sad sad heart that i turned that job down. Mae is having surgery that day. Im not putting off a surgery she has already had to wait like a month for! Mae comes first!

Called my mom and a friend and bascially pity partied myself to them. They said the same thing Mae comes first! So off i went with a heavy heart to apply for this other job. I dont want to work there but im almost desperate enough to go kill hogs! Yea pathetic i know! So im applying for this job and just going maaan, why am i even here. OH yea i need a job to survive!

I texted my other friend and was like i had to turn this job down and shes like well didnt so n so call you yet. No he hadnt and thats why i was off applying for other jobs.

Well a minute after i answered her text.....So n So called! Sorry i didnt get back to you over the weekend blah blah....Can you start today at 5? Let me call my daycare and ill call you right back!!!

So im off to work tonight! I will be the newest employee at SubCity West! Now it may not be glamorous and it may not pay a lot, and the hours ill have to fight for. The point is I AM BACK IN THE GAME! My selfesteem is back up and yes goddamn it I AM THE SHIT!

They are willing to give me the 3 days i need off right away, and unless i get fired im their newest bitch. At least until june/july 2010!

I wish i could say this was karma, but karma is something people say when they cant blame their bullshit on the right person. I got this job because i know the right people and i know how to smile big and i know what a work ethic is!

Yes, i am one of the employed again...bring on the bitching about work blogs!

I think im hot shit, i act like im hot shit, truth is im not and i know it. Why do i act like i am? I think its called self esteem and it makes me feel all pretty lol.

This whole not being able to find a job in my field and not finding a job period is knocking my selfesteem hard core! It also didnt help that it was my 15 year high school reunion.

I used to say it didnt bother me that i was going to be one of the low rent wannaber's, but now it kind of does. I mean hell, who wouldnt feel like that after 2 years of school and a job that sucked and not being able to get hired in your field because of SOMEONE elses actions?

I have pinpointed when i went downhill. It would be in high school when i just kind of gave up. I stopped studying because i thought i was smart enough to get easy a's. Then i decided that i needed to hang out with the not so right crowd. That it was ok to not have much as long as you have friends.

Well i still believe that last line. I just am not cut out for being unemployed. I like money and i like to spend it. I like knowing that the money i have i can buy what i want and its on me. I hate that im jobless at the moment. I mean for the next couple weeks it will be ok because of mae's surgery.

But honestly, im a worker. The only way i wouldnt be unhappy not working is if i was someones housewife. Taking care of the house, the man, the kids, doing the cooking, the shopping the cleaning. Just ask my kids dad, i was pretty darn happy when thats what i was doing. I dont know if thats my subbie nature or just the way i think.

Ive always thought it was the mans job to take care of his family and it was my job to take care of him. Sadly i was born into the wrong era. I should have been born in the 40s so that the 50s i would have been right on track.

I am just so damn disappointed that i put in the work and i cant reap the rewards. I mean im willing to work any freaking shift. Im willing to work almost anywhere, yes there are expceptions. I just wish that i could find a way to deal with the crap i have to deal with and hope that in a year that i can find a job.

Anyone looking for a housewife, wannabe sub, lost and lonely, happily flawed girl?

I really know how to screw shit up! I really didnt want to go to that wedding yesterday. It meant meeting Johns whole family and knowing that im not trying to be his girlfriend. He kept asking and asking me what was wrong, and saying that i didnt want to be there.

Finally i was like ok, we need to talk! Maaaan a wedding is really not the place to have that conversation!! So i tried to explain to him how im not ready for a relationship. That i do really like him, but seriously....it was 5 years pretty much with the kids dad. My head is sooo not screwed on right after that. I may have had time to be alone, but this dating thing is really weird for me.

I dont see any need to jump into a sexual relationship, hell i dont even own a BOB. I dont have a job so im not contributing anything but my company to these dates. Mae is having surgery in a week and thats almost 2 weeks of recovery. And i just not really ready to do more then date and see someone occasionally.

He was asking me if he had done anything and you know all the questions. Im not real articulate when it comes to expressing myself when im not angry. So my answers were crap and then of course i did it all wrong AGAIN!

Told him i still wanted to be his friend, and then because he looked so hurt and lost, i did my normal. Try to make people feel better. Yeah probably not the best to be hugging and kissing, but cmon we have been seeing each other for like 3 months.

Oh hell, if i had considered him my boyfriend, like everyone else, yesterday would have been a 3 month anniversary. God i really am a shit! But i dont want to lead him on anymore. He doesnt care that he has to pay for things, and that i have mae, and blah blah.

Those things matter to me though! I have to be able to provide or else i cant do any taking care of. I guess thats just my fucked up nature.

John's aunts LOVE me! Everyone i met i guess just liked me a whole lot. Hell his sister Chrissy/Krissy(guess ill have to find out how to spell her name) was doing the photography for the wedding. She had us take a picture together. I have a thing about babies, I MUST TOUCH/HOLD/KISS ALL BABIES!!! John's neice is a like a year old or 16 months and adorable. So of course i was holding and playing with her. Next thing i know, Chrissy/Krissy is taking a picture of me and her daughter. Oh good lord, im in deep!

The margaritas flowed! They helped a lot. My nerves were so shot my eye was freakin twitching.

Before the ceremony the dogs got out, and this was right after our conversation. There i was sitting on the brides side, by myself, and the time seemed to be ticking away. Must have been my nerves. I sent him a text asking if he was coming back, right? I was worried i was going to be sitting there all stupid. He came back, he had to get the dog hair off. Maaan not fun.

Brigitte and Mick road with me because they only have the truck and she wasnt feeling well. She was able to tough it out and then Mick needed to go home. I didnt mind leaving early because i was on my way to the bad tequila place. I should have gone back but it wasnt happening.

So now i guess im going swimming next saturday with John at his house. See i really dont know how to do this thing!!

I have been pure lazy today! Lazy and a lil hung over. This was the first weekend Mae has been to her dads in a month and a half. I needed time off. I love my girl, but man my patience needs working on and most days i dont think im grown up enough for that lil girl.

Hopefully though her dad has learned that your actions have consequences...SO CONTROL YOURSELF! Ive heard a couple times how i dont know what its like to not have your kid, be able to see your kid, talk to your kid. Um soo not true. I know exactly how it is and feels. I also know that part of my reasons are my actions and i am still paying the consequences years later. I have in the time thats past learned the lesson really well. If i have to learn it and live with that lesson, then everyone else should too.

Mae was quite happy to be going to her daddy's and as bad as this sounds, i was probably a lot happier. Its been hard work with Mae. Everyday she picks up something new and every day i have to knock out whatever bad habit shes trying to get. I know parenthood, its a bitch, then you become one. But together we are working with each other.

Its been especially hard because after the first few nice weeks in may, the weather has been crap. we have been cooped up inside, looking outside at the pool and swingset. Mae needs to play outside lol run the snot out of her. Worn out kids are good kids, until they get to worn out and tired. The weather needs to change so we can get back outside.

Last night i went out and had myself a pretty decent time. Im working my way back to bed because i have a wedding that i have to go to. I just dont know what the hell John is expecting. A night to remember, and asking if im excited. What the hell, its your cousins wedding, and i dont really want to go. But trying to tell a guy that wont make them feel well. I know im going to make him unhappy when i drop the bomb that i think were better friends, but tonight isnt that night.

Last night had drinks with the guys. Maaan i missed having adult time. I missed having cocktails! I know i know, sad and pathetic. It was nice to be with adults and talking about adult things, partaking of adult things, being irresponsible adults lol. You know how it goes lol.

So thats about it i guess, i need to take a nap so i can go to this wedding. Brigitte is my excuse to duck out early. Her inlaws took their van and she doesnt want to get in and out of the truck since her surgery yesterday. So ill be driving and then when shes ready to go i have an out. God how sad am i, that im willing to let a nice guy go?

Queen of the Quickie~~

Ok for those who are dirty minded lol no its not sex lol.

I found out by accident that my 15th high school reunion is this weekend. I guess I'll be going to Fridayloo to see the old class...woohoo!

Also at 430 today i have an interview for a crap job, but hey 2 days a week is much better then the 0 days i have right now. I never intended to be jobless this long, but man all the aps ive put in havnt materialzed.

So there ya have it...Queen of the Quickie!

Miley Cyrus~~

Mae is in love with Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. At 3 she is even smart enough to know that they are two different people. I will have to admit i am also a fan of the show. After you watch it 18 million times and rent it 19 million more, it kind of grows on you. My grandpa even likes the show. Cmon its funny and its better than having to watch cartoons 24/7.

I did a blog before about her being a role model for kids. I still say that Hannah Montana is the role model because again, shes fictional, and always has the right lines. Miley Cyrus on the other hand is so far looking like a pretty normal teenager, just a lot more money and a lot more fans!

I was reading on the wonderwall on msn about how she broke up with her boyfriend. Sorry to hear that, BUT, to be honest im kind of glad. As a person who always, until recently, dated men who were older than me i know how it is, and how it is is just one of those things.

So then i follow the link to us magazine where they have a photo gallery entitled Mileys Scandalous Year. Yes, i clicked, you know im opinonated and nosey. What i really have to say is that um, shes a freakin teenager and thats what they do!

They trash their friends, they trash their ex's, they dont wear a seatbelt in the backseat(here in good ol iowa you dont have to wear one after a certain age), they post stupid shit on the web, they take stupid pictures, and i still am not upset about the annie pics!

While we are all judgemental people i dont see what was all that scandalous about her year. Its not like she was Paris Hilton making sex tapes. Its not like she was Brit Spears showing off her coochie and C section scar. Its not like she was Lindsey Lohan and back and forth from rehab. Its not like she was any of the other celebrities out there doing god knows what.

To be honest, unless she ends up pregnant or pulling a David Hasselhoff with cheeseburgers, Im not going to worry. So far it seems to me like shes just being your average teenager and unless she does something completely stupid(ie pregnant, cheeseburger,Winona,dui) im going with BUILD A FUCKING BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT!!

The teen years are pretty freakin sucky to begin with, but i cant imagine it with her life. Anytime she gets to be a normal teenager seems like its pretty much sucked away from her because of work.

While i still dont think shes a role model, i do think she is a model of a typical american teenager. The media really just needs to back off and let the girl be a girl. Havnt they figured out yet that kid stars go bad when you dont let them be KIDS!

Yes, i know a bit of a subject change from a few minutes ago, but hey thats how i roll!

Babies~~

This hasnt been the best year for pregnancy in my lil circle. So far i know three people who are pregnant and all three have issues that are trying for all involved.

My sister is expecting her 3rd child. She had a miscarried about 4 or 5 years ago and then had a healthy little girl. Now she has placenta previa. The doctors had hoped that her placenta would move to the right position. Unfortunately it didnt and now she has new worries. With this disorder you generally always go early and now she definitly has to have a C section. Thankfully they live where she can get good medical care. She just has to take care of herself now.

My friend's sister found out shes expecting too. Shes about 16-18 weeks along and when she went to her ultrasound they discovered that the baby most likely has down syndrome. They took her in for an amnio and are waiting the results. This pregnancy wasnt planned and sometimes i dont think she realizes what being pregnant, being a mom, and just being healthy means. My friend is doing all she can to help her sister, but sometimes i think she takes too much on herself. Ok i flat out think she takes to much on, but its family. She is doing what any of us would do because family is important.

The last pregnancy that i know the people is the absolute worst. Its the reason why im blogging, hoping that i can stop thinking about it. I dont know the people know the people, but ive met them on several occasions and they are a nice young couple. The other day they found out the amniotic fluid was either low or almost non existent. They had the ultrasound today and i was with my friend when the news came in. She is also 16-18 weeks along and it was not good news! It was the worst news a parent can get. The baby has many many cysts on his kidneys, which if he didnt have other problems he would have to have a transplant immediately. The rest of it is, he has no stomache, or not enough to become one. The rest of his organs are either not there also or are only partially there. This baby wont survive after childbirth and im assuming that the pregnancy wont make it to the end because of the treatment. They have to terminate the pregnancy! That has to be the most horrible thing ive ever heard. This couple also has struggled with miscarriages and they waited to tell the family and now this. They are struggling with the decision to have a funeral or not, i think they should, you know closure. If that wasnt enough, she has to wait a freaking week to have this procedure. I wish they would tell the family that abortion is just the medical term that is used, that they arent doing something that would normally being wrong for them.

I feel really bad for everyone in all three situations. There isnt anything i can do to help, but i will get out my good thoughts and prayers for them. Im also really greatful that my child is relatively healthy. (Remember i said that for next blog where im complaining about Mae) I just cant believe that this has to happen to good people.

Babies are supposed to be joyous and sometimes it seems like we are in the middle ages or something. I guess the only thing i can do is keep doing what ive been doing. Saying prayers and just thinking positively.

Babies.....kiss em hug em and hold em tight!

New Batteries~~

Like new socks, i love new batteries! Things work better, faster, stronger then you remember them working! Oh how used to battery operated devices i have become. I love my battery operated devices, though when the batteries are winding down, i dont like them as much.

Ive been on the last leg of my battery for a LONG time now. So long that if you pulled the battery out and played with it a little bit and put it back in, it would work. For another couple days!

Well no more! I was at WalMart today and i almost walked out without my new battery! I remember in the nick of time and proudly came home with my new battery.

I have gotten so tired of having to use my fingers, i mean fingers do where out! And the menu...god i hated not being able to get to that! Oh yea lol did i mention that the battery is for my dvd player remote lol.

That new battery is a strong sucker because i can almost be around the corner and that bad boy is working!

Wooooo i surely do love me a new battery!

From the dating scene~~

I think that this relationship is about to run its course. Its been a lot of fun and it was a great experience. The killer to this relationship? Sex.

I don't know what my problem is, I just don't want to have sex with John. I'm sure at some point I would, but how do you convey that to the guy. Hey i really like you,your great to me and my kid, your polite, your sweet, your blah blah....but I dont want a sexual relationship.

Im not trying to fall in love, though my friends are convinced that hes already there. I just am soo not ready for anything serious. Its serious enough that ive spent my weekends with him for the past like 3 months, but i just cant turn it into sex.

I know he really really wants to have sex, but i just am so not ready, or maybe its im not ready for sex with him. I have no idea. I just know that here is this really great guy and i just cant bring myself to go all the way and move it forward.

Its totally got to be me because he is always wanting to spend time with us and i just have my own life going on. I guess it really comes down to, i dont want anything serious. i dont want a boyfriend, i want what i have. Which is a weekend date. When does it become unfair to him and i have to give it up?

Why should i have to feel like i have to give it up. I never promised sex, hell i was a lil intoxicated the night of the birthdays and it went way farther then i wanted it to. All he can think about is how i sounded and when can we finish it.

Hell i dont even know how to have sex with a big guy. In the Cosmo subscription my mother gave me it says that you have to be on top either facing front or back. HELLO...... thats my least favorite position. Im pretty sure im just to fat to do it right, its not a natural spot for me. So how am i supposed to be comfortable. Im sorry im a vanilla girl a lot of times. I like missionary sex, i like being able to kiss and look into eyes, and well most men hate it.

What the hell am i supposed to do? Ive pretty much decided that no im not going to the wedding and because i dont want to have sex i cancelled on him for the trip to Adventureland. That was just way too expensive for a relationship thats just been dating.

Good lord, will i ever get it right?

TBall~~

I promised pictures of Mae from TBall and I was unlazy this morning and uploaded them. Enjoy!

Psssst....

hey Dawn if your on messanger sometime, if we could chat that'd be cool, because your the blogger queen here and i need assistance lol.

Le Sigh~~

I am soooo tired of being the only one taking care of this sick kid. That is not a slam on anyone thats just a fact! I'm very frustrated at this point and I don't know if I'll be able to make it till the 22nd of June!

Today when Mae woke up she actually let me cuddle and rock her. There wasnt any put me down, let me go, leave me alone! She hung out and let me rock her and murmur to her. She is hurting and in pain, there isn't anything I can do.

She made it through TBall pictures, though she didnt make the end of the game. She was crying and screaming and very uncooperative. I was beyond done at that point. I was a very bad sport parent! I took her by the hand and we walked straight off the playing field. I know I know! Seriously...it was that or kill myself in the middle of the field.

I have pictures that I'll be sharing in the near future, I just have to figure out how to do that here lol.

Le Sigh!

Garage Sale

It's that time of year again when everyone and their brother cleans out the house and moves it to the garage! Following suit my friend is having her annual garage sale. This year I was/am a big contributor. Last night she came over and got my stuff, the whole time talking about how she is surprised I even have all the pieces.

Well when you have just one kid playing with stuff and a mom who is a pack rat lol you get all the pieces lol. I found them in the bottom of the toy box, but shhh im not telling lol.

Mae isn't the smallest of kids so I don't really stress anymore over what size the tag reads. Brigittes daughter is teeny tiny at 9 years old and that meant Mae got to play dress up today.

I went and put my resume in this morning and I ended up hanging out with Brigitte and the daycare kids. While I was there, she was still trying to talk herself into buying my toys. It helps when the toys I had were all great big Fisher-Price toys, the high dollar ones at that! Also it helps that these are toys that she wanted to buy for her daughter but just didnt want to shell out close to 80 bucks on some of them. I priced mine at 30 dollars because they were in great condition, clean, and I had the pieces.

While at Brigitte's she decided she was getting the toys and the move was on. She was trying to figure out what to do with Aly's crib and I was all like why not put her in Toni's bed since Toni doesn't sleep there. Also she already climbs out of the bed whats the difference in which bed she sleeps in. So down came the crib, the rearranging of her playroom, and it was on like donkey kong.

As the kids all ate lunch we went outside and raided the garage sale! She is letting her daycare parents in tonight to look at it and tomorrow and Friday is the sale. I ended up snagging about ten bucks worth of clothes for Mae.

She will be decked out in Hannah gear for the summer. I also was able to get her a couple pairs of pants that are perfect. Too bad the lil booty shorts didnt fit her because she looked so cute. Mae was dancing around the living room in her new clothes just having a ball! It was fun when we had to put our plain jane dress back on lol.

I also picked up some outfits for the kids dads house. Hell I was there right? I made a phone call and asked if he wanted to buy them and he was ok with it. He also is paying for half her tball pictures and the tball glove. Way to step it up!

Brigitte called him back to see if he wanted to put his stuff in the sale too, hey were trying to be civil for the sake of mae, and he was for that too. So today i get to run over there and pick the stuff up.

Then its run back to Brigittes house so i can take Mae to tball. Good lord for not having anything but Tball today its been a busy day!

Smile pretty its picture day at tball!

Yesterday i did my friend a favor and watched her daycare kids while she took her sister for an amnio. I was in the middle of feeding one of the babies and my phone rings. Its the kids dad. I pick up long enough to say its a bad time ill call you later.

So i call him later and he says he wants to call a truce. He doesnt want to go to war with me. Um...hellllllooooo....i wasnt at war with him. I was fed up with his bullshit and his thinking he had any kind of right to treat me with blatent disrespect in turn disrespecting his daughter. Your actions have consequences. Thats all no more no less.

Obviously i wasnt sitting around plotting ways to make his life hell, plotting about getting a lawyer. And that restraining order...yea that was never a threat, which i pointed out many many times, it was reality. Reality of the situation is/was he was calling and messageing all the time. Every little detail he wanted. Well ya know what, i dont/didnt have time for that shit! Reality sucks and sometimes you have to live in it and not just vacation there.

He has decided he will pay for the tball glove and half the pictures. Way cool, thanks man! Tells me hes in therapy...good for you man...now work with it! I dont know how long hes been in therapy but its my unprofessional opinion that he needs a lot more of it. I was listening to him speak and i could hear whatever professional help he is getting come out, but always at the end of something where i thought there was a breakthrough...was all the same old crap.

Good lord, this man actually thinks i wanted to take his daughter from him. Hellooo....all ive ever said to my friends is that i dont get that choice. She knows her father, she loves her father, and wants to be with her father. Im the one though who has to decide if its right or wrong for her to be over there after any given outburst.

Id love to be able to throw a pity party about Mae, but i dont get to. Im the parent, im responsible, i have to be in control of not only me, but her. I think that once you realize its not all about you anymore then you become a better parent.

I know im a better parent this time around because ive figure lots of the little things out.

Like you dont involve people with your life who dont have your best interests at heart. You dont condone other peoples behaviors. And you certainly dont do a myriad of other things that im too lazy to write about.

He told me he has been leaving comments and shit for me, what part of i dont think anything is about me doesnt apply. Hell i know he hasnt deleted me from his messanger like ive done him, because he knew about the ball and bat i wanted for Mae. He also went on to inform me that the psycho was telling him that i was bragging about Mae calling someone else daddy.

That is the precise reason i told him to not talk to that psycho about Mae and me. I have never bragged about Mae calling anyone daddy because she only calls one person daddy. But some people think that they have the right to interfere in absolutely everything because they are unhappy.

Again funny that im the one who was thought to be at war, but the war was all one sided with help from his friends. Im the one who was pissed off because he should have been able to control himself and wasnt, resulting in visitation being cut. Ya know they do that shit in court too! If you start being abusive and stuff the court will cut your visitation too.

I dont know why he thinks im stupid, why he thinks im not looking out for Maes best interests, and i certainly dont know why he thinks im out to get him. It just really is irritating knowing that you have been trying to do the right thing and no matter how far you bend....your the one who is psycho, irrational, mean, bad, whatever ya know?

So im going to do my best to believe someone who for 5 years consistently lied to me is trying to get his life together for the sake of my kiddo, its all i can do. You know when it blows up in my face ill be back blogging about how stupid i was YET AGAIN!

Heres to people actually moving on in their life and remembering that not everyone on the internet is looking out for you, there mostly looking for free entertainment!

I dont get it, and i dont really want a lesson. I just want to vent that I don't get it. I'm sitting here watching the news about the local dealerships that have to close because of the GM thing.

What I dont understand is how these people own a business and the bigger business gets to close them. I'm smart enough to figure out it has to be the bigger company has its own money in it, hence, there ability to close them down.

Truthfully, I don't get it. How can you have a business for many many years, then be told today's your last day? That kind of business makes no sense to me. Its like I open up a store and buy from the store next door, they go out of business and I have to close. Ok that one didnt work because you can go with maybe they are the only place that supplies...you get where I'm going.

Like I said, I don't want a lesson. It just hurts my head to think about it. Then again, after watching the movie Country, I began to wonder how the farmers felt. They went through their own crisis and it took the government a minute to help them. Though I'm betting it wasn't on the scale of this bailout.

This is why I'm not into politics. I think to much with my heart and emotions. I can't get perspective on some subjects. Especially the ones that are just crazy. You own a business. You have owned this business for years. Then they say your closed, even if your books were letting you stay open. As in not hemmoraging money.

Oh well, I'm not supposed to understand everything.

Im sitting here tonight with my friend, i had just gotten done tagging all Maes toys for the garage sale. Shes talking to her mom and my phone rings. I look at the number and i have no idea what number it is.

I answer and the person is like heather, yea..this is danny. Im like danny? danny who. The photographer danny. OOOOOOOOO hey how ya doing man. Did you graduate from your program and are you working in your field? No why. My chiropractor needs a receptionist for 30 hours a week and if you go and apply you can use me as a reference and ill tell them how good you were at the video store and blah blah.

OMG HOW PERFECT WOULD THAT BE? Problem...i dont remember a damn thing from school lol. im hoping its stuck up there somewhere and that it comes flooding back cuz um, i need a job!!!

Ive applied for another job and now there is this job possibility. Id rather have this one! Im going in the morning to apply right away. I was also lucky this afternoon i found my microsoft office!

When my computer burped on me i didnt think to tell them to save my windows, so i havnt had office. I applied for another job that wanted a resume and i had to go to the library to do it. Fun Fun!

So i got my office installed again and i made up a handy dandy resume and im all set except for stopping and picking up a hard copy tomorrow.

Im thinking i really need to get my ass in gear and make sure to be there as close to 9 am as possible! Hell brigitte said that she would take mae to tball for me since their office closes at 6. The only thing is i would have to beg for the 2 days off for Maes surgery right up front. From what i understand though the doctor is having her own baby.

Also its a chiropractors office. It wont be as much, im thinking, as the other doctors.

I dont care the hours are 9 to 6 and you know thats got to be monday through friday. Good god, keep your fingers crossed for me!

Wooo!