I really know how to screw shit up! I really didnt want to go to that wedding yesterday. It meant meeting Johns whole family and knowing that im not trying to be his girlfriend. He kept asking and asking me what was wrong, and saying that i didnt want to be there.

Finally i was like ok, we need to talk! Maaaan a wedding is really not the place to have that conversation!! So i tried to explain to him how im not ready for a relationship. That i do really like him, but seriously....it was 5 years pretty much with the kids dad. My head is sooo not screwed on right after that. I may have had time to be alone, but this dating thing is really weird for me.

I dont see any need to jump into a sexual relationship, hell i dont even own a BOB. I dont have a job so im not contributing anything but my company to these dates. Mae is having surgery in a week and thats almost 2 weeks of recovery. And i just not really ready to do more then date and see someone occasionally.

He was asking me if he had done anything and you know all the questions. Im not real articulate when it comes to expressing myself when im not angry. So my answers were crap and then of course i did it all wrong AGAIN!

Told him i still wanted to be his friend, and then because he looked so hurt and lost, i did my normal. Try to make people feel better. Yeah probably not the best to be hugging and kissing, but cmon we have been seeing each other for like 3 months.

Oh hell, if i had considered him my boyfriend, like everyone else, yesterday would have been a 3 month anniversary. God i really am a shit! But i dont want to lead him on anymore. He doesnt care that he has to pay for things, and that i have mae, and blah blah.

Those things matter to me though! I have to be able to provide or else i cant do any taking care of. I guess thats just my fucked up nature.

John's aunts LOVE me! Everyone i met i guess just liked me a whole lot. Hell his sister Chrissy/Krissy(guess ill have to find out how to spell her name) was doing the photography for the wedding. She had us take a picture together. I have a thing about babies, I MUST TOUCH/HOLD/KISS ALL BABIES!!! John's neice is a like a year old or 16 months and adorable. So of course i was holding and playing with her. Next thing i know, Chrissy/Krissy is taking a picture of me and her daughter. Oh good lord, im in deep!

The margaritas flowed! They helped a lot. My nerves were so shot my eye was freakin twitching.

Before the ceremony the dogs got out, and this was right after our conversation. There i was sitting on the brides side, by myself, and the time seemed to be ticking away. Must have been my nerves. I sent him a text asking if he was coming back, right? I was worried i was going to be sitting there all stupid. He came back, he had to get the dog hair off. Maaan not fun.

Brigitte and Mick road with me because they only have the truck and she wasnt feeling well. She was able to tough it out and then Mick needed to go home. I didnt mind leaving early because i was on my way to the bad tequila place. I should have gone back but it wasnt happening.

So now i guess im going swimming next saturday with John at his house. See i really dont know how to do this thing!!