Ive been accused by several people of using Mae as a weapon to hurt her dad. The thing is, i dont care enough about him to do anything to hurt him. He can do that all on his own.

While i was thinking about that accusation, i came to a realization. Im not the one using that sweet girl as a weapon, HE IS.

Anyone who knows me well knows that my biggest fear in the WORLD is that Mae will be taken from me. That something will happen and Mae will be no more. That something will happen and Mae will be kept from me. That something will go wrong and i lose Mae.

All my actions that i have taken regarding Mae are for the good of Mae and making sure she stays with me. Ive told my story too many times regarding my Katie and those who matter, know that story forward and backward. I know loss of a child and i know loss of a child when other people are helping to keep you away from a child because of your words/actions. No, i never did anything to Katie. I did let her go, and i did threaten to bring her home with me. That threat has resulted in the past few years my being pulled further and further away from her.

Because of this situation i try so hard to be a good mom. I try so hard to keep Mae's world pretty for her. Ive put my social life on the back burner because im afraid that i could be selfish and let myself get wrapped up in that life and Mae would suffer.

But the accusation of using her as a weapon was on my mind tonight as i was watching tv. Thats when it hit me, her father is using her as a weapon. Anytime he wants to hurt me, he throws out some bullshit!

Last time it was the calling of names while holding Mae. This time it was the threat of Maybe. A time i never blogged about before he kept her in his arms and ran to his room and slammed the door so i couldnt get to her.

Im tired of feeling like im failing. Im tired of feeling that the person who is supposed to love her like i do will do something so i lose her.

I dont know how to take that power back, i dont know how to forgive that.

I have to find a way to get over the fact that he will always use her as a weapon with me. I have to find a way to let her have visitation with her father. I have to find a way to let her go to his home and know in my heart that when i show up to pick her up she will be coming home.

I grew up without my bio dad and even though hes a POS, i still wanted a relationship. I had a great dad growing up. But i think kids always want to know and be with their bio dads. Its not something i can cut out of her. Its not my place to paint him in a bad light. I dont have to do that. He has done a fine job of that all on his own.

I just want to find a way to make it stop. I want Mae to see her dad, I want her to know that her father wants her. But how do i do that when her father cant just get it through his head that she isnt a weapon. That when you tell a mother Maybe they will freak out and leave.

What do i do? How do i do it? How do i let go of that fear? Letting go is easier said then done. Hell look how long it took me to extricate myself from the hold he had on me. I dont know what to do.

I cant talk to my mom because her answer is the simplest and right one, but when the other person wont follow through...what do you do? Does anyone have any advice? because im all out of ideas.

I just know im tired of not being able to count on the one person who is supposed to be able to be counted on.

Being a single parent is hard. Its much harder when your trying to do it better then you did the first time around. Im not going to get married because i want to be a family with someone. Im not going to rush into a relationship so i have help with my child. I have to be able to do it alone. And i am doing it alone, i just think i care too much sometimes.

I have to remind myself that all i have to do is make sure Mae is available to him. But how do you do that when the other person just cant stfu and be happy that they have time with their child.

There are many many men and women who want to see their kids that cant because the other parent doesnt allow them. Here i am more than willing to let her go and have that relationship, but its not that important to him.

How do i make him understand how important it is for Mae to have time with him? How all the bullshit he has going on in his fucked up head has to be put aside because there is a little girl who loves her daddy and wants to see him. How do i explain to this child when shes old enough all the bullshit that went down while i was trying to do the right thing?

Im not perfect, i have never thought i was. I have and always will do my best to do whats in Mae's best interest.

I just dont have any good advice for myself. Anyone got any free advice theyd like to share?