I think im hot shit, i act like im hot shit, truth is im not and i know it. Why do i act like i am? I think its called self esteem and it makes me feel all pretty lol.

This whole not being able to find a job in my field and not finding a job period is knocking my selfesteem hard core! It also didnt help that it was my 15 year high school reunion.

I used to say it didnt bother me that i was going to be one of the low rent wannaber's, but now it kind of does. I mean hell, who wouldnt feel like that after 2 years of school and a job that sucked and not being able to get hired in your field because of SOMEONE elses actions?

I have pinpointed when i went downhill. It would be in high school when i just kind of gave up. I stopped studying because i thought i was smart enough to get easy a's. Then i decided that i needed to hang out with the not so right crowd. That it was ok to not have much as long as you have friends.

Well i still believe that last line. I just am not cut out for being unemployed. I like money and i like to spend it. I like knowing that the money i have i can buy what i want and its on me. I hate that im jobless at the moment. I mean for the next couple weeks it will be ok because of mae's surgery.

But honestly, im a worker. The only way i wouldnt be unhappy not working is if i was someones housewife. Taking care of the house, the man, the kids, doing the cooking, the shopping the cleaning. Just ask my kids dad, i was pretty darn happy when thats what i was doing. I dont know if thats my subbie nature or just the way i think.

Ive always thought it was the mans job to take care of his family and it was my job to take care of him. Sadly i was born into the wrong era. I should have been born in the 40s so that the 50s i would have been right on track.

I am just so damn disappointed that i put in the work and i cant reap the rewards. I mean im willing to work any freaking shift. Im willing to work almost anywhere, yes there are expceptions. I just wish that i could find a way to deal with the crap i have to deal with and hope that in a year that i can find a job.

Anyone looking for a housewife, wannabe sub, lost and lonely, happily flawed girl?