I swear to god! I swear I swear I swear I swear!! I'm glad I was laying down when my phone rang. I was especially glad I was laying down when my phone rang and it was one of my besties husbands on the other end!

I'm glad that I'm not too squeamish! I'm glad I have a friend who is willing to come over and watch Mae so I don't have to take her anywhere! I am glad that I know my friend will help me if I never need help.

IT'S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Those nasty lil critters called lice and nits!

Today started out pretty good. I woke up all tired but got right into the swing of things. Went to church with my G.Aunt and felt better. It wasn't the greatest day since I was still kind of crying, church does it to me lol.

I had a $10 gift certificate for Applebees and was nice(even though some people can't just say they read your blog have to fish for the info so they can talk about it lol) and asked the kids dad if he had any money. He thought I was asking for money for me. LOL not this time lol, and it's really not like I ask him about money enough he should even think that. BUT I digress.

I asked if he had money for his dinner. Sooo we went out. Surprisingly he treated me like a Queen. I'll admit it was nice to be treated nice, but I'm afraid of the price I'll have to pay later. He bought the drinks, and omg they were good(expensive) and this huge dinner thing for an appetizer. We were having a nice time and talking. We were conversing about Kitchen Nightmares w/ Gordon Ramsey. I love that show! And it was soooo funny/ironic that two seconds after that I went to take a bite of food and there it was...A HAIR lol. OMG seriously lol.

Dinner was finished and off to WalMart we went. I forgot half of everything i was supposed to get lol but he did carry the stuff to the car. Yay for men who carry lol.

Sooo anyways. I take him home and he buys me smokes. I swear it must be be nice to me day lol.

While we were at WM I saw my friends mom who gave us the good news that my friend is going to be able to get the medication she needs to hopefully stay alive.

Ya know i totally forgot what i was writing about lol so im going to stop. Just know that while your enjoying your night out lol I am off being superfriend and picking nits outta kids hair and a beautiful head of hair!!!

Ya know the strangest thing since Grandpa died is that I go to church. It's not the fact that I go to church that is strange, but the NEED to go to church. I'm sitting here tonight and I can't figure out what my problem is.

I feel restless in body, mind, and soul. I felt like this last week, and the week before; all at about the same time. Then last week I figured out what it was.

I need to go to church. I need to sit for that hour and be. I've never claimed to be a good Catholic, Chrisitan, or anything. BUT church has been helping me get through the week.

It's like this insanity with me and MEAT lol. If I go a period of time without eating meat( mostly beef) my body starts feeling bad. I get yucky and crappy and crabby.

That's how it's started to be with church. Last weekend I was at my mom's and had to do all that driving on Sunday so I had to cancel with my Great Aunt. BUT I just knew, felt, needed to go to church. I could feel myself getting all wound up, and not being able to calm down. Yes, I have medication for that, but this wasn't one of those things medication could fix. Nooo I didn't try to fix it with meds I just knew it wouldn't work.

So I asked mom to borrow her car, because it has air conditioning, to go into the small town of Chelsea. It's about 12 minutes from her house. They have Saturday service there at 530. She decided to go with me. Surprised me too.

But I was feeling grumpy, and snappy, and just wanted to bite the head off everyone who even thought to look at me or try to talk to me. I could just feel this nasty building up wanting to spill out and rain all over everything. Which when that happens usually means that people don't talk for awhile.

Well I got to chuch and got inside. Kneeled and just prayed a shitty prayer. I don't pray well, sue me lol. But it didn't take long after lighting my candle, kneeling, and then just sitting to start feeling better.

I could feel myself becoming lighter. I don't know why but chuch is helping me. I go because I promised my Grandpa. Now I don't know if I'm going because of the promise or because how it makes me feel.

I know I will never be an ideal christian/catholic. But I'm getting out of it what God intended me to get out of it.

Tonight I'm sitting here all restless and amped and just feeling out of sorts and it hit me...tomorrow is chuch. I need to go to church. How crazy is that? Maybe I really am psychotic lol.

I tend to cry a lot in church. I think of my grandpa and I try to not let my mind wander. But really the way it makes me feel is the best thing. I feel better, I feel like I can handle things. I don't know if it will last this feeling, but I'm going to enjoy it while it does.

I'm just having a hard time, and sometimes I think people expect me to be getting over his death. But I'm not getting over it. Driving home yesterday I went to rock out with Mae in the car and just lost it. I don't know when it's supposed to get easier, but it's not! I guess maybe that's why church helps. Because God is supposed to heal you. Well him or jesus...like i said bad Catholic.

I really really miss him. I really really just want a hug. Hell just something. The other night i was sleeping and i swear to god i heard my grandpa calling me. Calling me like the time we first went to the hospital. And noone was up in the house. I tell you what...I have no idea what I'm going to do when its time for my parents to go. I know thats years away and this is "practice"(you know what i mean) but I just don't think I have it in me. I can't let go. I know I'm supposed to so that it gets easier. But the pain is soo much, too much.

My heart hurts. My soul hurts. My world hurts. I just want my Granpa. I can't help it. I'm glad I write this for me because I'd get sick of reading all this if i was just a reader. But that's my life right now...hurt and broken, and scared, and alone, and fearful. I know he's in a better place, but I'm not. I really really just want to hold his hand, hug him hard, and just have him here. Sitting out in the living room, calling me on Friday, asking if he can have an ice cream......ok yea I need to stop the snot is cloggin up my nose and I don't feel like losing consciouness cuz I wouldnt stop typing to blow my nose.

So I'm still alive and kicking. Just havn't been at home for what seems like forever. In reality I think it's been like 2 weeks or so. They are redoing lots of things in the house.

Staying at my mom's house and in hotels has really taken a toll. I havn't stopped being real emotional and the upheaval isn't helping any.

It's hard to try to blog at my mom's because there isn't any privacy to just sit down and let go.

Though there has been some changes on the search for a home. My mom and dad had a talk. And the end result is that WE ARE KEEPING THE HOUSE! My mom is going to take her money, her house equity, and my share of the inheritance and we are going to stay here.

Though there are some catches, they are catches that I can live with. There are some people out there who frown upon living with relatives as an adult. In my world however, it seems the most natural thing to stay living with my family. I think I get it from my granpa. The wanting to always be close.

My mom joked to my dad that I wanted to stay with my parents. Well it's not a joke. I want to live with my family. I want to be close. I don't want my own home, at least not now. The good part is I don't have to be really really worried about the job situation, but I still have to be worried. I'm still looking for work.

I will be paying my way here a bit more than when Grandpa was alive. But that's ok, Grandpa wouldn't take more of the little money I had. I never wasn't willing to give up money for staying with him.

So now there will be budgets made and the catches. Mom and dad will be staying here in town at the house during the week sometimes. So I will and won't be living alone with Mae.

I really don't know if I'm happy or sad about the new deal. But I am happy that we aren't selling the house.

Though I am ready to be back home. I don't know how many more days or weeks it will be til it's finished. I do know that I don't have to uproot Mae and if later on we want to sell the house I will have money from it.

So like I said I'm alive and kicking, just a bit displaced. I've been keeping up with blogs, but maybe I'll be able to get back to blogging soon. Hotel tonight here I come...why I'm not sure, but I guess I'm staying there tonight lol.

Well the hunt is on now for showers and a place to sleep lol. They have started doing things that require the water to be shut off at the house. Last night we stayed in a hotel, tonight we are at my moms, and tomorrow we are at a hotel, and then Friday I'm at my friends and Mae goes to her dads.

Fathers day is Sunday so since I'm broke ass, and my dad doesn't want anything materially....I am, ok so Mae and I (but really me lol) making chocolate chip cookies for him. That man LOVES LOVES LOVES LOVES cookies. He really loves peanut butter but mom ran out of sugar and the double batch of chocolate chip ones took it all lol. So he will be getting peanut butter cookies another time.

So I was catching up with blogs and gave Brenda a call. I was feeling all envious of her and the fact that she has kids old enough to put the groceries away and bring them in from the car. THEN I thought...god a Mt. Dew would be great but I don't want to walk downstairs to get one. DING DING DING....bright idea!! I have a 4 yr old who can walk the stairs lol.

And thats when I got envious of her again lol. Mae brought up a Root Beer lol but with a little direction and having to...WAIT FOR IT...walk downstairs lol and showing her which was which lol I got my Mt. Dew!

I have another blog in my head but I don't think I'm going to do it at the moment. After all I am baking cookies and baking is about love and the other blog is all full of hate and mean spiritedness towards Gary Coleman's "wife". I tell you what that woman really makes me mad. Mad enough to need a pill lol.

So until then...if you think you smell the delisiousness of chocolate chip cookies...that would be my moms house!

One of the stages of grief is anger. I'm pretty sure that the anger I am feeling isn't the kind that you usually get with grief. I am angry over all the things that went on in the hospital.

Oh I'm sure somewhere inside I am angry that my grandpa had to die and go away; BUT that isn't what I'm "feeling" angry about.

Today I had my appointment with the psychiatrist; you know the one who prescribes you medication. Well much to some people's surprise, dismay, etc... I am not any of the mental illness' they wish I would be. You know the people I'm talking about. The ones who are so fucked up in their own life and psychosis that everyone else must be nuts too. I am also not depressed. I am however anxious and sleep deprived. These are the words that came out of the psychiatrists mouth. So yayyyyy all those who wanted me to be as crazy as a shit house rat are going to have to just deal with their being wrong.

The doctor said that I don't need an antidepressant. What I do need is something for the anxiety and the sleeplessness. So I am now the proud owner of two prescriptions. I have lorazepam(generic for ativan) for the anxiety and Ambien samples and a generic form of it for when the samples run out.

I couldn't believe it. I was given prescription medication. They never give me medication. It's like in a former life I was a drug seeker or something. Now I've done my fair share of other peoples medication, but never in a way that would make me a drug addict or seeker.

I must say I kind of like the medication for anxiety. It seems to work rather quickly and it's nice to go from all fucked up anxious on the inside to calmer and able to think clearly. I used to have lunesta for sleep and I loved it. It kept me out and I was rested in the morning. Tonight I am soooo thankful that I will have something to put me beddy bye!

Last night was another night where I was out for an hour and then up, then out and then up. The Doctor said yea that's not really the kind of sleep you need to be getting. So he dug up some samples and got me a script. Hell I even have a third medication for when the samples run out. Trazadone to help sleep. THANK YOU thank you thank you for seeing that the sleep deprivation really really sucks!

He did ask if I thought I needed the therapy portion of this cocktail. I just kind of looked at him and was like what? um yea! The anger portion of what's going on is what sucks. I also had my therapy appointment today and she asked me the same thing. I gave her the look and was like well I think so, what do you think? She said yea she thought I did and another appointment was made. I think maybe they were testing me lol. I don't know but I do know that what I have going on sucks monkey balls and they really aren't that tasty.

I read a blog awhile ago where being medicated was put down. You were weak if you couldn't get through the grief process without help. Ummmmm I can get through it without help. But ya know the help is there to assist me with getting through it. Not to diminish what I'm feeling, but to help me manage and cope. I am not going to apologize to anyone for being STRONG enough to go seek help. To make sure that I am taking care of myself so I can take care of my daughter.

So the other half of my life is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA out of control. They are still fixing the house up and I've been without a shower for either 2 weeks or going on 3 weeks. Today I was informed that we would now be without water in the house for maybe a week...maybe more! WTF...seriously....that means more begging showers, and a place to stay while they get it done. So this week I will be playing my mom and driving back and forth to her house for work. I wish the kids dad still was doing the part of his work program where he didnt have to be on the phone all the time because we could hang out there Friday. But ya know how it goes!

And this Saturday will be the first day I open! So I have to be there early to work. I don't know if my mom and dad are going to keep Mae this weekend or not. She was begging them to keep her yesterday so maybe we will all just spend the weekend down there...who knows!

Anyways...I think it's time to pop in a movie or the tv series I FINALLY GOT lol. I'm a season behind on all the hbo shows because we havn't had that channel for 10 years maybe. So True Blood Season 2 here I come, or maybe Valentines Day here I come...or better yet...SLEEP HERE I COME!!!

One month ago tomorrow

May 9, 2010, one of the worst experiences in my life happened. Something that I know eventually I will get through and move on from. From my previous blogs you know that Saturday May 8th I came home late to sleep. Like everyone else who went home at night I took my chances on my Grandpa passing away while I was gone. Somewhere between when I came home on that Saturday and 5:30 am that Sunday, mothers day, May 9th; I had a dream.

My grandpa came to me in a dream. I don't know what my grandpa was telling me. I have no recollection of any words being spoken. I do know that we were talking and then while I watched He just kind of swirled away in my dream.

I woke up scared as hell. Knowing that I was supposed to be at the hospice. It took me an hour to get to the hospice. I got clothes ready, I took a shower. While I was taking my shower I cried the whole time. I kept saying outloud and in my head...I'm coming Grandpa, please just hold on I'm coming.

I don't know how I didn't speed to get there. But I managed through my tears, anxiety, and just plain scaredness to get there safe. I all but ran into the hospice home. I walked very quickly to his room. I was sooo scared. I was afraid. I was soo very very afraid that I wasn't going to get there in time.

When I got there everyone was either sleeping or just starting to stir. The first person I saw besides my grandpa in the room was my mom. I was very upset and I was crying. She asked what was wrong. I stood there and told her about my dream. How my grandpa came to me and wanted me to be there. How I had to get there. How I was so very afraid that I wasn't in time. She held me while I cried and then I went and sat by my grandpas bed and touched him.

I told him how much I loved him. I told him how greatful I was for him coming to me in my dream to get me up there. How greatful I was that he was still with us. I told him over and over and over how much i loved him. I told Him that I would be ok, lying my ass off! I kissed him, and whispered everything to him.

I had to go out to WalGreens, which is just down the street, to pick some things up. I don't remember if this was before or after the Dr talked to us. I just can't. I do know that I sat on one side of Grandpa and Katie sat on the other side. I was talking to her and talking to Grandpa. He was in a coma at this point and still had some eye movement. And even though he was in this coma I am choosing to believe that he still heard what we were talking about.

I was telling Katie some stories and then started talking about food. That's when his eyes would move. I was talking about the chili we would eat, all the meatloaf, and the chicken legs. How much he loved just about everything. The Dr. startled me as I relieved somethings with Katie. He said mmm sounds good.

We went out in the family room to talk to with the Dr. At that point he said that maybe another day IF Max wanted to see him again. We wouldn't get that extra day. An hour or maybe it was two later he was gone.

I sat in the room with my dad and grandpa for awhile. The selfish person I am told my grandpa to please not go on Mothers day. My dad said, Maybe he wants to see his mom. That's when I looked at my grandpa and told him it was ok to go see his mom if he wanted to. It wasn't the first time I had told him it was alright. I didn't want him to suffer and what better present for him then to see his mom and his wife. I didn't want to say it, I didn't want it to happen, but truth hurts!

DJ had brought Mae up instead of taking her to the park, at my insistance. I wanted her to see him. I needed to see her. DJ ended up going to WalGreens too and I had him pick me up a mothers day card for my mom.

My mom was coming down the hall from the bathroom and I was headed to it. As I passed her I handed her the mothers day card. Thank god I pee fast! I know youve heard it before but thank god i pee fast.

I was on my way back out and my dad was coming for me. They said we needed to come now. I put a big hustle in my step and got into the room. I got over to the side of the bed. Sank to my knees and grabbed hold of his hand. I held it and I held it and I held it!

I remember the nurse saying I don't feel a pulse. I held on even tighter. I started to cry. Then I heard her say I have a faint heartbeat. Then the worst thing possible I have ever heard was said. He's gone! My poor mom. My poor cousin. My poor uncle. My poor Katie. Poor everyone!

My mom hadn't heard the nurse say what I heard. She didn't realize he was gone. The nurse shut off his oxygen and my mom started to lose it. She cried out No don't turn that off he needs it. I held his hand i held his hand I held his hand.

I remember someone rubbing my back. I have no idea who it was. I just cried and cried and cried. I held his hand and wouldnt let go. I couldn't let go! I couldn't not touch him. I wanted to do what I wanted to do the whole time he was sick. I wanted to crawl in bed with him, I wanted to hold him. I didn't want him to be gone. I do remember telling DJ he needed to call Tammy and Kimmi for me as I cried and shook.

I didn't let go of him for a long time. I couldn't do it! This was the one man in my whole life who loved me with all he had, who didn't hurt me, who didn't disappoint me, who was my world. Next thing I knew I looked up and over and there was Tammy sitting. I found out later she drove 50 all the way from across town to get there for me. I had been thinking to call my friends earlier to say come if you want to see him one last time. My poor Aunt Teresa got there moments after he passed along with my Aunt Alberta.

He got cold so fast. I wanted him to be warm. I wanted him to be with us. I kissed him and held him and just kept holding his hands. I couldn't leave him, it was so hard to leave him. This man who was my everything had just been taken from me. I went outside to smoke and didn't know what to do. I asked if I should get on Facebook so those who werent with us would know. I don't even really know what i put, I just did it.

The funeral home came to take him away. People kept trying to make me leave the hall because they would be bringing him out. I COULDN'T LEAVE! I had to be there. I had to see them take him away. I gave the Funeral people the rosary I had bought and had blessed by the priest to put in his hands. They tried to make me leave again. My Aunt Teresa let me stay and basically told them to back off.

I watched as they put him the back of the hearse. I watched as they pulled away. I watched as that one very special person was taken away. My sister and cousins went behind them as they were taking him home. They drove into the drive way. My grandpa just wanted to go home. All that time in the hospital he would ask to go home. They pulled into the drive and told him he was home. He never came in his home but his drive was close enough. Because we always would say were home once we hit the driveway.

I can't blog anymore right now, the tears are too much to handle. I guess the next blog will be about the after. I miss him so damned much. I have finally started to cry for real. I cry a lot. I cry so much that Mae at times is begging me please don't cry anymore mama. So before I start to lose it I tell her mama is very sad right now so she knows what's going on. I know it will get better but right now....I can't even see the edge of better. I want to be 4 years old and not really know and not really have much change in my life. Mae is doing so good. She doesn't ask about him like coming home or anything. She just talks about him being dead and now he's in a casket not a box. So I'm greatful that she is doing ok. Someone has to be.

Grandpa I love you so very much and I just want to hold you close to me again. I want to hear you in your bedroom trying to sleep. I want to see you come to my door and talk to me, I want to laugh at and with you for looking into Mae's room even though shes not there and you saying good night and i love you to her.

One day I will let go of the anger I have surrounding my Grandpa's death. At least I hope I will. My mom got a letter the other day from the hospital about the incident. Well she let me read it but only after she was well and gone out of the state. She was very very right in doing that. My cousin who came over to do some work on the bathroom, she wasn't so lucky. She read the letter and so did her man. Her man agreed with the way I read it. So I'm a bit happy about that.

The letter was basically a it wasn't our fault letter. BUT the problem I have is in this letter, the way I read it and the way he read it, the nursing staff LIED to us about the use of restraints.

They told us that it was against their policy and the law to use restraints. That they couldn't tie the patient down. That hell they couldn't even put all four bedrails up because it was considered restraint. Hell one nurse told me that they couldn't put all the rails up but they couldn't stop us from doing it. Hell me and my cousin both put them up after that was said.

But the letter said that it bothered the patients family about the restraints and that's why they don't do them. Um hello my granpa fucking fell because he was able to get out of bed. There was no fucking bed alarm hooked up. Oh and we aren't going to see or know what happened from their investigation.

I am angry as fuck! I have never had to be put in the psych ward and if this fall hadn't have happened I wouldn't have had to then either! But because of all the stress and not being able to restrain him. We had to do it, I fucking broke down with a panic attack and needed admitted.

I want a fucking lawyer to take them to court. I don't want a ton of money, I want enough to cover my medical bills. They are almost $5000 and the bills just keep coming in. I want them to pay for that, I want them to awknowledge they had a fault. But you know it wont happen.

I am angry angry angry angry. I don't know when it will subside or if it ever will. I apologized to my cousin for being so angry. I don't know! I just know that this letter says, the way I read it and her man read it, that they could have used those restraints!

God how much better for us would it have been for him to have been tied down instead of us having to hold him down, fight him down, yell at him, cry to him, beg him......I don't know...all I know is that there is some ambulence chaser out there who will work on contingency and I may as well do it!

Really nothing new going on...still baby daddy drama. Today he sends me a text and is like today or tomorrow for Mae. I was driving and couldn't text, so like the idiot I am...I called him.

Told him that she wasn't coming this weekend....BECAUSE HE HAS PLANS. Ooo that started the drama meter going.

He started going off on me. Telling me that I take advantage of him. That I know his weakness is his daughter. That's about when I hung up.

I tried to remind him that HE TOLD ME he wanted to go to this benefit tomorrow for a former coworker of mine who is dying of cancer. Ok so I remember that he says this to me, and I don't want him drinking in public with her, AND I'M THE BAD GUY!

How the hell am I the bad guy when for once I knew about plans he was making. Plans he told me he was going to do. Plans that he confirmed on facebook as going to this benefit. But I'm the one who is doing something wrong.

Hell as it is, I'm kind of afraid someone at his end of things has "touched" her. I'm not "accusing" anyone, but some of the behaviors that have come out of her recently make me nervous. Especially when he said something to me about the family curse. Yea not so happy. She has taken to touching herself and pinching her nipples, and trying to suck on my fingers. I have concerns.

So we will be talking to her about that when she goes to see the psychiatrist.

BUT back to the whole drama. How have I taken advantage of him? If you can't or don't want to have Mae with you on a certain day or time..BE A FUCKING GROWN UP and tell me. If you don't tell me how am I supposed to know?? I am not a mind reader and have never claimed to be.

Oh wait...maybe I took advantage WHEN MY GRANDFATHER WAS IN THE HOSPITAL DYING! Oh wait...how can you take advantage of a person WHEN THEY OFFERED?? Oh wait I forget..just because you offer doesn't mean you should take that person up on it. I tell you what though, even with the hell we went through at the hospital and how angry it made me, I am greatful he took her. It gave me more time with my grandpa, even if it was a bad time.

So fuck him! He gets his kid way more than some parents do and there are parents out there who would kill to have their child as much as he does. Next weekend she can go, BECAUSE as far as I know...he doesn't have any plans. Yea i made plans for him this weekend because i'm so controlling of his life. When oh When I want to know will he ever grow up and take responsibility for his life?

Personally it's a real shitty time in my life right now and I don't have time, energy, or desire to do whatever the hell it is he claims I'm doing now.

Anyways...it's getting closer to letting it all out.