One of the stages of grief is anger. I'm pretty sure that the anger I am feeling isn't the kind that you usually get with grief. I am angry over all the things that went on in the hospital.

Oh I'm sure somewhere inside I am angry that my grandpa had to die and go away; BUT that isn't what I'm "feeling" angry about.

Today I had my appointment with the psychiatrist; you know the one who prescribes you medication. Well much to some people's surprise, dismay, etc... I am not any of the mental illness' they wish I would be. You know the people I'm talking about. The ones who are so fucked up in their own life and psychosis that everyone else must be nuts too. I am also not depressed. I am however anxious and sleep deprived. These are the words that came out of the psychiatrists mouth. So yayyyyy all those who wanted me to be as crazy as a shit house rat are going to have to just deal with their being wrong.

The doctor said that I don't need an antidepressant. What I do need is something for the anxiety and the sleeplessness. So I am now the proud owner of two prescriptions. I have lorazepam(generic for ativan) for the anxiety and Ambien samples and a generic form of it for when the samples run out.

I couldn't believe it. I was given prescription medication. They never give me medication. It's like in a former life I was a drug seeker or something. Now I've done my fair share of other peoples medication, but never in a way that would make me a drug addict or seeker.

I must say I kind of like the medication for anxiety. It seems to work rather quickly and it's nice to go from all fucked up anxious on the inside to calmer and able to think clearly. I used to have lunesta for sleep and I loved it. It kept me out and I was rested in the morning. Tonight I am soooo thankful that I will have something to put me beddy bye!

Last night was another night where I was out for an hour and then up, then out and then up. The Doctor said yea that's not really the kind of sleep you need to be getting. So he dug up some samples and got me a script. Hell I even have a third medication for when the samples run out. Trazadone to help sleep. THANK YOU thank you thank you for seeing that the sleep deprivation really really sucks!

He did ask if I thought I needed the therapy portion of this cocktail. I just kind of looked at him and was like what? um yea! The anger portion of what's going on is what sucks. I also had my therapy appointment today and she asked me the same thing. I gave her the look and was like well I think so, what do you think? She said yea she thought I did and another appointment was made. I think maybe they were testing me lol. I don't know but I do know that what I have going on sucks monkey balls and they really aren't that tasty.

I read a blog awhile ago where being medicated was put down. You were weak if you couldn't get through the grief process without help. Ummmmm I can get through it without help. But ya know the help is there to assist me with getting through it. Not to diminish what I'm feeling, but to help me manage and cope. I am not going to apologize to anyone for being STRONG enough to go seek help. To make sure that I am taking care of myself so I can take care of my daughter.

So the other half of my life is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA out of control. They are still fixing the house up and I've been without a shower for either 2 weeks or going on 3 weeks. Today I was informed that we would now be without water in the house for maybe a week...maybe more! WTF...seriously....that means more begging showers, and a place to stay while they get it done. So this week I will be playing my mom and driving back and forth to her house for work. I wish the kids dad still was doing the part of his work program where he didnt have to be on the phone all the time because we could hang out there Friday. But ya know how it goes!

And this Saturday will be the first day I open! So I have to be there early to work. I don't know if my mom and dad are going to keep Mae this weekend or not. She was begging them to keep her yesterday so maybe we will all just spend the weekend down there...who knows!

Anyways...I think it's time to pop in a movie or the tv series I FINALLY GOT lol. I'm a season behind on all the hbo shows because we havn't had that channel for 10 years maybe. So True Blood Season 2 here I come, or maybe Valentines Day here I come...or better yet...SLEEP HERE I COME!!!