One month ago tomorrow

May 9, 2010, one of the worst experiences in my life happened. Something that I know eventually I will get through and move on from. From my previous blogs you know that Saturday May 8th I came home late to sleep. Like everyone else who went home at night I took my chances on my Grandpa passing away while I was gone. Somewhere between when I came home on that Saturday and 5:30 am that Sunday, mothers day, May 9th; I had a dream.

My grandpa came to me in a dream. I don't know what my grandpa was telling me. I have no recollection of any words being spoken. I do know that we were talking and then while I watched He just kind of swirled away in my dream.

I woke up scared as hell. Knowing that I was supposed to be at the hospice. It took me an hour to get to the hospice. I got clothes ready, I took a shower. While I was taking my shower I cried the whole time. I kept saying outloud and in my head...I'm coming Grandpa, please just hold on I'm coming.

I don't know how I didn't speed to get there. But I managed through my tears, anxiety, and just plain scaredness to get there safe. I all but ran into the hospice home. I walked very quickly to his room. I was sooo scared. I was afraid. I was soo very very afraid that I wasn't going to get there in time.

When I got there everyone was either sleeping or just starting to stir. The first person I saw besides my grandpa in the room was my mom. I was very upset and I was crying. She asked what was wrong. I stood there and told her about my dream. How my grandpa came to me and wanted me to be there. How I had to get there. How I was so very afraid that I wasn't in time. She held me while I cried and then I went and sat by my grandpas bed and touched him.

I told him how much I loved him. I told him how greatful I was for him coming to me in my dream to get me up there. How greatful I was that he was still with us. I told him over and over and over how much i loved him. I told Him that I would be ok, lying my ass off! I kissed him, and whispered everything to him.

I had to go out to WalGreens, which is just down the street, to pick some things up. I don't remember if this was before or after the Dr talked to us. I just can't. I do know that I sat on one side of Grandpa and Katie sat on the other side. I was talking to her and talking to Grandpa. He was in a coma at this point and still had some eye movement. And even though he was in this coma I am choosing to believe that he still heard what we were talking about.

I was telling Katie some stories and then started talking about food. That's when his eyes would move. I was talking about the chili we would eat, all the meatloaf, and the chicken legs. How much he loved just about everything. The Dr. startled me as I relieved somethings with Katie. He said mmm sounds good.

We went out in the family room to talk to with the Dr. At that point he said that maybe another day IF Max wanted to see him again. We wouldn't get that extra day. An hour or maybe it was two later he was gone.

I sat in the room with my dad and grandpa for awhile. The selfish person I am told my grandpa to please not go on Mothers day. My dad said, Maybe he wants to see his mom. That's when I looked at my grandpa and told him it was ok to go see his mom if he wanted to. It wasn't the first time I had told him it was alright. I didn't want him to suffer and what better present for him then to see his mom and his wife. I didn't want to say it, I didn't want it to happen, but truth hurts!

DJ had brought Mae up instead of taking her to the park, at my insistance. I wanted her to see him. I needed to see her. DJ ended up going to WalGreens too and I had him pick me up a mothers day card for my mom.

My mom was coming down the hall from the bathroom and I was headed to it. As I passed her I handed her the mothers day card. Thank god I pee fast! I know youve heard it before but thank god i pee fast.

I was on my way back out and my dad was coming for me. They said we needed to come now. I put a big hustle in my step and got into the room. I got over to the side of the bed. Sank to my knees and grabbed hold of his hand. I held it and I held it and I held it!

I remember the nurse saying I don't feel a pulse. I held on even tighter. I started to cry. Then I heard her say I have a faint heartbeat. Then the worst thing possible I have ever heard was said. He's gone! My poor mom. My poor cousin. My poor uncle. My poor Katie. Poor everyone!

My mom hadn't heard the nurse say what I heard. She didn't realize he was gone. The nurse shut off his oxygen and my mom started to lose it. She cried out No don't turn that off he needs it. I held his hand i held his hand I held his hand.

I remember someone rubbing my back. I have no idea who it was. I just cried and cried and cried. I held his hand and wouldnt let go. I couldn't let go! I couldn't not touch him. I wanted to do what I wanted to do the whole time he was sick. I wanted to crawl in bed with him, I wanted to hold him. I didn't want him to be gone. I do remember telling DJ he needed to call Tammy and Kimmi for me as I cried and shook.

I didn't let go of him for a long time. I couldn't do it! This was the one man in my whole life who loved me with all he had, who didn't hurt me, who didn't disappoint me, who was my world. Next thing I knew I looked up and over and there was Tammy sitting. I found out later she drove 50 all the way from across town to get there for me. I had been thinking to call my friends earlier to say come if you want to see him one last time. My poor Aunt Teresa got there moments after he passed along with my Aunt Alberta.

He got cold so fast. I wanted him to be warm. I wanted him to be with us. I kissed him and held him and just kept holding his hands. I couldn't leave him, it was so hard to leave him. This man who was my everything had just been taken from me. I went outside to smoke and didn't know what to do. I asked if I should get on Facebook so those who werent with us would know. I don't even really know what i put, I just did it.

The funeral home came to take him away. People kept trying to make me leave the hall because they would be bringing him out. I COULDN'T LEAVE! I had to be there. I had to see them take him away. I gave the Funeral people the rosary I had bought and had blessed by the priest to put in his hands. They tried to make me leave again. My Aunt Teresa let me stay and basically told them to back off.

I watched as they put him the back of the hearse. I watched as they pulled away. I watched as that one very special person was taken away. My sister and cousins went behind them as they were taking him home. They drove into the drive way. My grandpa just wanted to go home. All that time in the hospital he would ask to go home. They pulled into the drive and told him he was home. He never came in his home but his drive was close enough. Because we always would say were home once we hit the driveway.

I can't blog anymore right now, the tears are too much to handle. I guess the next blog will be about the after. I miss him so damned much. I have finally started to cry for real. I cry a lot. I cry so much that Mae at times is begging me please don't cry anymore mama. So before I start to lose it I tell her mama is very sad right now so she knows what's going on. I know it will get better but right now....I can't even see the edge of better. I want to be 4 years old and not really know and not really have much change in my life. Mae is doing so good. She doesn't ask about him like coming home or anything. She just talks about him being dead and now he's in a casket not a box. So I'm greatful that she is doing ok. Someone has to be.

Grandpa I love you so very much and I just want to hold you close to me again. I want to hear you in your bedroom trying to sleep. I want to see you come to my door and talk to me, I want to laugh at and with you for looking into Mae's room even though shes not there and you saying good night and i love you to her.