Ya know the strangest thing since Grandpa died is that I go to church. It's not the fact that I go to church that is strange, but the NEED to go to church. I'm sitting here tonight and I can't figure out what my problem is.

I feel restless in body, mind, and soul. I felt like this last week, and the week before; all at about the same time. Then last week I figured out what it was.

I need to go to church. I need to sit for that hour and be. I've never claimed to be a good Catholic, Chrisitan, or anything. BUT church has been helping me get through the week.

It's like this insanity with me and MEAT lol. If I go a period of time without eating meat( mostly beef) my body starts feeling bad. I get yucky and crappy and crabby.

That's how it's started to be with church. Last weekend I was at my mom's and had to do all that driving on Sunday so I had to cancel with my Great Aunt. BUT I just knew, felt, needed to go to church. I could feel myself getting all wound up, and not being able to calm down. Yes, I have medication for that, but this wasn't one of those things medication could fix. Nooo I didn't try to fix it with meds I just knew it wouldn't work.

So I asked mom to borrow her car, because it has air conditioning, to go into the small town of Chelsea. It's about 12 minutes from her house. They have Saturday service there at 530. She decided to go with me. Surprised me too.

But I was feeling grumpy, and snappy, and just wanted to bite the head off everyone who even thought to look at me or try to talk to me. I could just feel this nasty building up wanting to spill out and rain all over everything. Which when that happens usually means that people don't talk for awhile.

Well I got to chuch and got inside. Kneeled and just prayed a shitty prayer. I don't pray well, sue me lol. But it didn't take long after lighting my candle, kneeling, and then just sitting to start feeling better.

I could feel myself becoming lighter. I don't know why but chuch is helping me. I go because I promised my Grandpa. Now I don't know if I'm going because of the promise or because how it makes me feel.

I know I will never be an ideal christian/catholic. But I'm getting out of it what God intended me to get out of it.

Tonight I'm sitting here all restless and amped and just feeling out of sorts and it hit me...tomorrow is chuch. I need to go to church. How crazy is that? Maybe I really am psychotic lol.

I tend to cry a lot in church. I think of my grandpa and I try to not let my mind wander. But really the way it makes me feel is the best thing. I feel better, I feel like I can handle things. I don't know if it will last this feeling, but I'm going to enjoy it while it does.

I'm just having a hard time, and sometimes I think people expect me to be getting over his death. But I'm not getting over it. Driving home yesterday I went to rock out with Mae in the car and just lost it. I don't know when it's supposed to get easier, but it's not! I guess maybe that's why church helps. Because God is supposed to heal you. Well him or jesus...like i said bad Catholic.

I really really miss him. I really really just want a hug. Hell just something. The other night i was sleeping and i swear to god i heard my grandpa calling me. Calling me like the time we first went to the hospital. And noone was up in the house. I tell you what...I have no idea what I'm going to do when its time for my parents to go. I know thats years away and this is "practice"(you know what i mean) but I just don't think I have it in me. I can't let go. I know I'm supposed to so that it gets easier. But the pain is soo much, too much.

My heart hurts. My soul hurts. My world hurts. I just want my Granpa. I can't help it. I'm glad I write this for me because I'd get sick of reading all this if i was just a reader. But that's my life right now...hurt and broken, and scared, and alone, and fearful. I know he's in a better place, but I'm not. I really really just want to hold his hand, hug him hard, and just have him here. Sitting out in the living room, calling me on Friday, asking if he can have an ice cream......ok yea I need to stop the snot is cloggin up my nose and I don't feel like losing consciouness cuz I wouldnt stop typing to blow my nose.