Lets see how long it sticks in my moms head. She kind of realized tonight that what I'm feeling and probably Mae is different then what they are feeling. We lived with Grandpa. We are a family unit. Our own family unit.

We have lost one of our members. We saw him every morning and night. We had a totally different relationship with him than anyone else in the family. My mom, uncle, and cousins who lived with Grandpa havn't had that family unit like we did in a long time. They graduated to adult relationships with him.

We were still that family unit. Up each others butts, and butting heads. Loving, laughing, fighting, arguing. Here's the other thing that sucks ass about this. I know how many times a week people called Grandpa. I know how often they came over to see him. I know! And while everyones pain is different, because its my feelings, I feel something different.My mom lost her dad. I get that! But I lost my Grandpa who was like a dad. He was that male figure in my life as well. I was lucky I had him and I have my dad.

But I still hurt. I still feel a loss. I know this isn't my house. But it was our home. I spent the weekend watching people load up his junk, and just was numb. Poor Mae came home while they were still taking things out. I didn't think it would be a problem. Wrong! Problem!

They were taking the couches out to get rid of them and she was mad at my Uncle and just sobbing. She was upset that they were taking away the couches. I had to have mom talk to her because she wasn't getting how I was trying to soothe her.

It's hard. I'm tired of saying thank you. You can only take so many condolences before you want to choke the next well meaning person who says something.

I found a 3 second video in my files on my computer tonight. I wanted to cry more, but I just can't get it out. It's all sitting on my chest, trying to come out, but not quite making it. But on the video is Sidney, Mae and Grandpa. They were doing yard work. He turns to Mae and says Did you haul that by yourself Chula? I miss him!