Theres something wrong with me and i just have to make myself fix it. Here i have this really nice guy who sends me texts telling me im beautiful and i just cant make myself call him on the phone and chit chat.

Last night would have been the perfect time to call him because Mae was asleep and i wasnt doing anything but reading and being lazy. Do i think of this last night? Oh hell no i think of this just a bit ago.

I really dont know how to do this dating thing. How long do you date someone before they are your boyfriend? Do i really want a boyfriend? How do you explain that when you have cash coming in you pay for things? How do you not feel like your taking advantage of someone because they are doing all the paying?

Maybe those are normal things to think, but how the hell am i supposed to do this? Im not a teenager anymore, no matter how stuck in 16 i am. I have lots of things to think about and have to make sure Mae is taken care of in all aspects. How am i supposed to make this all work?

Gawwwwwwd! Sometimes being me isnt the most pleasant. I have so many screwed up things in my head and sadly i let those things be planted in my head. I got used to being treated like crap and having to do the taking care of. How come i cant just let this guy do for me what he wants?

Maybe it all comes back to sex. I dont know if im ready to have sex. Its not like i would be having a one night stand where there isnt any expectation. This will be with someone that ive been seeing. Its been over a month now. Eventually he is going to want sex, if he doesnt want it now.Sex just complicates things even more and god...i think this guy actually likes me.

So what the hell is wrong with me? Here is this nice guy who is pretty much everything i asked for and im all wishy washy sketchy! I just really dont want to have another bad relationship! I dont want to miss the warning signs, or deliberatly ignore the warning signs and still go ahead.

Maybe im growing up a little bit or im taking someone else into consideration(MAE) instead of just what i want. It is nice though having someone to do things with.

Its nice that the person im doing things with knows how to be in public. I dont have to police actions and attitudes and be ready for whatever. How do you relax with a person after almost 5 years of social ineptitude, lack of common courtesy, phonyness, lies, etc...How do you not expect something bad to happen.

I know that John is not my ex, any of them, but how do i retrain,reprogram myself for a normal way of life? I dont have the answer but i am working very hard at it. Hell tomorrow is a big step and you never know what will happen. I guess i had better just enjoy it while i can.