I am utterly and totally ashamed of myself as a person and as a parent! Christmas is right around the corner. You know that November flies so fast just to speed it up to the end of December.
I wish i could say the reason im so broke is because i partied my money away. I wish i could say that im so broke because i went to the casino and gambled it away. I wish i wish any of the dozen other excuses people have for being broke.
Plain and simple im broke because i quit my job back in March. Im broke because i married a man who when losing his temper took me down with him.
Though i am applying for other jobs, they just arent coming through. Im going to apply at another place today, yay Subway! Lets hope that it comes through because i could at least get a paycheck before Christmas that way.
Yesterday i had to explain to Mae that her mama is so bad that she couldnt buy her the Christmas tree we wanted because my check was so little and i had to buy her snow boots. Hell im such a bad parent i had to go to her dad and ask him for money for the stupid boots!
I have two bills that i have to pay. Ok so 4 bills. I have my cell phone, yes that is a necessity. I have my car insurance, also a necessity. I have the never ending empty gas tank. And of course the daycare bill. Between child support and my job i barely scrape by.
Entertainment for us is grabbing movies from the video store. Lucky for me shes still little enough that its enough for her. But Christmas....shes not old enough by far to understand no presents or just two presents under the tree.
I have 6 kids to buy for and then 7 adults to buy christmas for. Im working on making a baby blanket for the baby, the adults are all getting school pics of mae, my dad is getting cookies, my brother in law is easy he just wants a popcorn tin. But the kids!
They deserve to know the christmas's we knew! The reason i couldnt buy the Christmas tree yesterday was because i took the last 20 dollars i had in the bank and ordered my nephews present. The oldest of the kids are getting calendars this year for christmas.
Its so bad moneywise that i have to use communicty services to put presents under the tree for Mae. So today or tomorrow i will be heading to Salvation Army and signing up for Christmas Assistance.
Im so ashamed and horrified that my behaviour is causing me to go this route. I wish that i was a better person, but obviously im not. But Mae deserves to have a christmas even if its not all from mommy mommy.
Im still thanking god for Dollar General and Family Dollar because next weeks money im going there and will be forking over money i really dont have. BUT again these kids deserve some kind of Christmas.
Ive already told my family that the only kiddo getting more than one present from me is Mae. I just cant afford it this year! The previous years, even the one i was preggers with Mae, i had cash coming in. I was able to spend on everyone.
I just feel like a complete and utter failure that i have to go and ask for a hand out. Asking for a hand up is one thing, but a pure and simple hand out. God im not that girl!
Hell i even called WIC today because again money is tight and hell nothing wrong with WIC??
I dont know...Tis the season to feel like crap, utter failure, and just plain horrible!
Did i mention that my grandpa feels bad and is getting us our tree today? Yea im feeling like a complete utter and total failure. But thankfully we have some help. But still....yea thats about it lol
Heres to next year being better!
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You shouldn't feel bad and you aren't a bad parent. The majority of us have been there at one point or another in our lives.
ReplyDeleteI went through a time when I had 3 little girls and I couldn't afford anything for Christmas. I had to rely on the kindness of strangers so my girls could have a Christmas. They absolutely loved it though nothing was big and expensive. Mae is still young enough to enjoy Christmas without a bunch of expensive toys and such.
Just my opinion, but you don't need to worry about buying gifts for adults. Just concentrate on Mae and Katie...they are who are important.
I know it's hard not to feel like a failur and my telling you not to feel that way doesn't really do much. But I'm doing it anyway...so pfft.
STOP IT!!! You are a great mom and Mae will remember that. I know...my girls are moms themselves now and all those times I felt bad, they just remember they were happy and loved.
*big hugs*
i know the feeling all too well hon. but we all make it through somehow. i don't know how.
ReplyDeletei spent the day bowing and scraping to the people at the department of human resources or whatever that place is. the place to go when you have no where else to go. trying to find some help for me and my mom.
but we will find a way. and so will you. just make sure she feels lots of love. and trust me, at 3, she wont remember the presents, she will remember the magic of the tree and the lights, she will remember mom holding her and smells in the air and tespecially the love.
i know as a daughter of a single mom myself. many christmases we only got 2-3 toys each. or a bunch of toys from the store where everything is $1. and many christmas baskets with toys and food and clothes from the local churches or salvation army. we didn't care. i was more happy that it was one day mom didnt have to work, one day her whole purpose of being was to laugh and love.
ohhh, and the christmas choir at church! omg, i would exhaust myself waiting for the midnight mas. even if you arent religious, it is something that is free to do that will bring her such joy to see and hear the choirs sing. and driving around to see christmas lights, sitting on santa's lap. watching him for what seemed like forever, always so happy.
lol, ok, long enough comment. luv ya hon, you will make it:)