Back to feeling like crap about Christmas! As you know i feel crappy about having to ask for the help with Christmas. Well last night was the icing on the i feel like shit cake!

My Aunt C called me last night. I was kind of shocked, i thought something bad may have happened. My Aunt and i were really close when i was growing up and into my early twenties. Then some how we lost connection. I love my Aunt dearly and she was one of the people i will always have respect for.

Well nothing bad happened. She was calling because her company is the one that adopted our family. She said she was like hey i know who that is. She was calling because they wanted to know something else that my grandpa might want because all we asked for was a lot of goodies, treats for him. I told her that he hadnt wanted anything, but you know he could use a new tv tray.

I went on to tell her what was going in in my life, what i had accomplished and that i felt horrible about having to ask for help. She told me not to feel bad because if it wasnt us, someone else would get it. She didnt make me feel bad, she didnt make me feel like well your mom has money why are you asking.

Shes been there, done that. I know! She had a child young too and she struggled and she got her shit together. Which is what im trying to do with my life. In the description of my family it was said Im a single mom, raising my daughter, and taking care of my grandpa. You know i dont think of it as a big thing my taking care of gramps.

I feel that its my job, my responsibility, what i owe, what you do, its just plain and simply the right thing. Hes taken care of me my whole life, well its my turn to help take care of him at the end of his. No hes not dying, hes just in the process like the rest of us.

I get frustrated, and i get irritated, but i do it because i love him and family takes care of family. One of the reasons i havnt been looking as hard as i should for better employment is because of him and mae. Mae is easier because they have later clinics if i had to take her in. But gramps docs are the normal 9 to 5'ers. Plus we dont want him to do some things because of his age, mostly the driving.

So i take care of him, i rearrange schedules, i make sure he has medicine, i make sure he picks it up(with me or without), and i make sure that he has decent enough food to eat. He'd eat Taco Bell, McDonalds, Long John Silver's etc.. all the time if you didnt watch him. Ive also noticed recently that hes not into doing dishes. I found his cup one day and it was nasty. I washed it.

He would try to eat soup all the time too. Well i can cook, we have food, and i can make sure when i grocery shop that i get what he needs.

Still with all that i do, i still feel bad and guilty about asking for help because i cant provide the kind of Christmas's ive provided for Mae in her first 3 christmas's. How funny is it that this is her 4th Christmas and shes only 3 lol. But the first 3 i was able to get 'er done and get gifts for the rest of the family. This year i cant! The help im getting will enable me to get my other daughter a gift, even if its crappy. I can afford to get my dad 5 dollars worth of cologne and my mom 6 dollars worth of lipstick.

Ive gotten 2 cheap presents for my niece n nephew. I have one present bought for Mae already and i need to go out and get 2 more. Plus the picture frames i need to get(thank you Dollar Tree). Even that will put a bit of a cramp in my money situation.

I still feel like crap, but my Aunt helped me not feel soo bad about it. Im hoping next year is better. Then i will have the chance to pay it forward.

Sometimes in life you lose those that matter and then they come back and you remember why you love them and can try again to recconnect.

Heres to feeling like crap and someone helping to pull you out!