No decision to make Saturday night! The combination of drinking and headbanging took its toll on John. Brigitte and I had to take him home because he got sick and had to much party!

There was a huge fight with me and my mom and that freed up my sunday. John had said lets get a hotel in an earlier text this week and i had declined. Well obviously he didnt know that i was thinking of saying hey lets, or else im pretty sure he wouldnt have just let loose like he did.

I was totally into letting loose! It had been a month since i had gone out and done anything and i needed it!

I dont know what my problem is. John is a really nice guy and i like hanging out with him. Im cool with the hugs and kisses, but come to sex and i just want to hide. I dont know if its because hes a big guy and ive never been with a big guy, i dont know if im just stupid, i just dont know.

I know that im not as sexual as i used to be it seems. I dont pleasure myself and i just dont think about it. I used to be a masterbating fool, but i stopped a few years back because of lifestyle stuff. Now i dont know whats wrong. I cant seem to kick start my sex drive.

Im pretty sure that id like to at least try sex with John but i really have no idea how to have sex with him. First hes way tall and hes a big guy. I dont have any idea how to make the parts fit! Im scared to have sex with him i guess, but i dont know why. But its really putting a damper on things.

I also am smart enough to know that you cant really progress anywhere without the sex part. Sex is important to me and id hate to hate the sex and be stuck in that kind of relationship.

He also wants to take Mae and me on vacation. I dont know why, but im not really feeling it. Im not as comfortable with it as i should be.

What the hell is wrong with me??