Better to blog about it then to let it float inside my head. I have a really really really good (bad) feeling that when I ask Katie about spring break that the answer will be no.

I love my daughter, and I hate to think like that. BUT from all previous attempts to spend time with her, I hear that No.

I really wish I could get someone other than my friends on my side for my wanting to have her come visit. She already told me there isn't any school activities going on. Just whatever they are doing at their house. I DON'T CARE! I'm SELFISH. I want to spend time with her. WITHOUT my sister and the whole freaking clan.

She already calls my sister mom. I lost that fight! Do you know how hard it is to be the mom, because bottom line I am her mother! Even that my mom will say. When she was here for that over night my sister was asking her if everything was ok, and whatever else. Like something was going to happen. Oh wait, I might actually parent my daughter.

I buy my Katie A LOT of crap! I was thinking about how much crap I buy her today, and it's a lot. I was putting groceries away and I went to put stuff in the bottom drawer and there was the boxes of Twilight SweetTarts I bought for her. She's a Twilight FREEEEEAK. Then I came upon another bag. Told my grandpa that I was going to put it in his room. More crap for my Katie! Yes, Twilight! Hell, taxes come in, I'm going to be a big ol dork and buy her the Edward standup. She's Team Edward...ALL THE WAY! It was in a text so it must be real :)

Well as my low self esteem, and feelings towards the situation with my girl; my brain went into overdrive with bullshit. After the "adult" conversation with Katie the other day, I went that way again today.

Her phone called our house phone while she was in school today. Soo weird to be going um hello, hello, and listening to the background noise. I admit, I listened for a minute. It was good hearing her be a kid. Love my girl! I texted her and she texted me. Said she would call tonight. Yay she called!

Anyways, I said to her that I had bought her a lot of crap again. I always buy her crap lol. I told her that I love her very much and since she isn't here for me to show her blah blah, I buy her crap. I know your not supposed to buy your kid's love but that's not why I was doing it. I only buy her stuff like that because I don't see her. If she lived with me it would be like it is with Mae. If I have the money yes, If I don't no.

So I talked to her like an adult again. Because I wanted something, horrible of me, but I want to see her. I want her to know the reasons why I do things, and how much I love her, miss her, and that it's real. It's not some whatever teenagers can invent in their heads. I don't know what my sister says about me, but after that text, I can imagine. So I have to, or at least I feel like I have to, defend myself against real or imagined things.

I want Katie to know that I love her, regardless of the gifts. That the gifts are the only way I know to put some kind of image in her head of me that is real. I didn't say those last two things to her. But I did try to explain to her somethings.

I don't know how to impress on her that her sister needs to see her more too. Mae talks about Katie. Mae asks for Katie to come visit. I feel sad that I always have to tell her no. I don't know why they are still so against me not seeing Katie alone, Ok so many years ago I said I would just get Katie. I have been punished enough! Katie isn't with me because I did something to her. I don't know where it came from, because it came out of nowhere. I did the right thing. Yes, it hurts like hell, but I know I did the right thing.

I expected my sister to do the right thing as well. I expected to see Katie. I expected to talk to Katie. I expected that her AUNT would be her AUNT. Katie knows me as her mother, the world knows me as Katies mother. Katie had a life before the one she has now. Katie doesn't remember this. So for my sister to even say yes to her being called mom. Well that was, in my eyes, the worst hurt and betrayl I've had.

So I'm trying a different way in dealing with my Katie situation. And unfortunately, I already know the answer is No.

Heres to blogging to get it out of my head. If you get it great, If you don't I'm sorry, and If you just wanna slap me, Get in line lol