One holiday down, one to go! I've already got a place lined up for me and Mae to hang out at on Christmas. Mom decided when Grandpa died that we should have Christmas at the house. I don't know what happened to the house, but I think it's shrunk. I remember there being lots of people for a holiday, but now...there are just way to freaking many of us to fit into the house.

How do I know this? Because last weekend I threw two of my closest friends a dinner birthday party. I made meatloaf, mashed potatos, corn, and best of all a triple chocolate fudge cake with triple chocolate fudge chip icing! There were four adults and two little girls (4 and 5) and it was a squeeze. So much so that I had to ask my oldest friend if she could possibly leave the two teenagers at home because I had no idea where I was going to put them.

My mom has invited, including her and my dad, like 15 to 20 people. I have no idea how they are going to fit in here. Plus if she wants the kids to eat in the living room she better buy a damned sheet of plastic to put on the floor. In the summer you can get away with that many people because for the most part we hang outside. But Christmas? Yea, I'm not holding out much hope.

Anyways back to yesterday. I fought all day with myself about going down. Like I said, I really really didn't want to go. But I got up took my medication and chilled out for a while. Got up, got the two of us ready, picked out enough clothes and then sat on my ass. That's when the text messages started lol.

Are you still coming? Are you coming for the 1 to 3 like you said? Dad says he will bring Mae into town so she can stay the night. So I jumped on that one lol. I'm sorry but a little break from Mae is always welcome. Come on she's four and four year olds don't know how to STFU lol.

Drove the hour down and the car was fine. Driving the hour back the car decided it wanted to work on over heating and oh yea NO HEAT. Maaaan, I tell you what!

But I got down there and said hi to my dad, my uncle, kissed all my neices and nephew. Said happy thanksgiving to my mom. Ooo did I forget to mention that I had to take part of a xanex 20 minutes into my trip down. Its only an hour drive!

As I got closer to the 15 minute mark of the trip I could feel my chest getting tight and I could feel it just rising. I was a smart girl this time and my medication was in my purse. I stopped at a stop sign and broke one into 1/4ths and by the time I got there I was feeling better.

I'm glad I only stayed long enough to have a smoke and give my uncle and sister the pictures I had for them. My mom said hi but wouldn't look at me. Then she sat at the other end of the house. Let me tell you, AWKWARD! Mom and dad went to do something and I figured I'd make my escape then.

I didn't even have a beer with my Uncle because I was leaving so soon.

I kissed everyone good bye, hollared bye to Katie who was in the shower, and then to my Dad.

I get outside and here comes my dad. He tells me happy thanksgiving again and that it will be ok. I looked at him and told him I hope so.

I knew that my mom wouldn't be able to handle it and I knew it would be awkward. So I'm glad that I left and she got her house back. Hopefully since I didn't go to Thanksgiving and I have no intention at this time to be here for Christmas she won't tell me I can't go to the hotel in February.

My three good sets of friends are going, wouldn't it suck ass if I got uninvited?

So thanksgiving at my house wasn't all bad. I made some hamburger helper, I watched tv, and I freaking slept off and on til I finally went to bed. Sometimes I think the whole not sleeping thing is what makes the anxiety and depression worse. But now I've got a grief counselor, a therapist, and a psychiatrist who can help me process all that I have going on.

The funny thing is, is I know what I'm supposed to do. Hell the therapist just kind of laughs and says your right that's what you should do. But my mother...ahh my mother disagrees. Good to know the person with the degrees says I'm doing a good job at avoiding the conflict.

Anyways...that's about it. I'm going to either take a nap in bed or hit the couch with the remote in hand. Wait for Mae to get back and then just chill. I think I may have enough money left after getting gas to rent a movie. Have a great weekend.